The last time I was wandering around in Tesco, struggling to find the Marmite (as usual), I inadvertently caught a glimpse of the kiosk area and realised that there were cigarettes for sale. In an instant, all my dreams came true, and I was drawn by an invisible force towards the counter, while rummaging around for six quid in my pocket. My desperation was phenomenal, and I just had to buy some cigarettes. There was no way I had planned any of this, and I certainly hadn't got up that morning hankering for a fag. But the small packets on display sent me loopy, and I just had to have some Lucky Strikes. The cunning approach of the cigarette manufacturers, working closely (conniving, even) with the supermarkets, fooled me into thinking I ought to smoke. The bastards had trapped me; I could do nothing but buy 20 cigarettes and smoke each of them down to the but - during which time my shopping was reclaimed by a member of staff and returned to the appropriate shelves.
The above is of course completely UNTRUE. But it demonstrates how absurd the planned legislation is on the sale of tobacco products. Considering the biggest single threat to the nation's health is actually obesity, why the cuntin fuck doesn't the government ban the open displays of cream cakes? In actual fact, if there's even a single person saved from himself/herself through shops not displaying fags, and he/she gives up or maintains the non-smoking approach if 'giving up' has already commenced, then it is quite likely that the person is at risk of putting on weight. It is commonly acknowledged that those giving up smoking eat more to divert attention and/or accommodate the cravings. Replacing cigarettes with food or sweets means weight-gain. So, will the next step for the cunts in office be to consider banning cakes and sweets from open display in supermarkets?
How will smokers know what cigarettes are available, and the prices? Comparing will be a nightmare. How about this:
"Can I have 20 Windsor Superking Smooth, please"
[ assistant fucks off behind a screen, shags the guy from Bakery, and returns 3 minutes later holding a packet of fags ]
"That's £5.45 please"
"How much for the ordinary size, then, because I think they're cheaper?"
"Hang on, I'll go and have a look"
[ assistant tries to find 20 Windsor, but has no luck ]
"Sorry we haven't got any"
"Well what have you got that's equivalent, for around the £5.30 mark?"
[ assistant struggles to come to terms with having to engage the brain and compare products ]
"I'm not sure - there are too many types, and I'm not a smoker"
"You might not be a smoker at the moment, but what with you going behind that screen every 5 minutes, you'll soon be so fucking tempted to smoke that you'll be on 40-a-day; the government has clearly failed to consider the plight of shopworkers exposed to the rays of the advertising slogans associated with cigarettes and the packaging. Maybe you ought to wear a blindfold and serving would then be like blind cunt's buff, or pin the tail on the donkey!"
[ assistant squirms, and considers lighting a fag in her lunch break ]
"What shall I get for you then?"
"Here, take my iPhone and take a photo of the racking behind that screen, and then I can have a look at what is available, and choose something!"
[ assistant starts to shake her head ]
"I am sorry, but we're not allowed to take photos - it's against company policy"
"And there's me thinking that would be better than trying to sketch the pissin' display on an A2 pad using a stick of charcoal!"
"There's no need to be sarcastic, I'm only doing my job"
"Ah, but you're not, are you! - I want some cigarettes and you are unable to provide the service; I want to browse and see what's on offer"
"Sorry, but it's all part of the new government approach, and it's designed to help people give up smoking - every little helps"
"But this is a fuckin' kiosk that is supposed to sell fuckin' fags, so encouraging people not to buy them seems rather counter-productive, don't you think?"
[ the assistant took the last three words as an instruction, and did not think - instead she stood there, fidgeting, and craving a cup of tea and 3 Gauloises in her break ]
I left the shop in a foul mood. Outside, I had to struggle to get past 7 people loitering by the doors, eating cream cakes, and 5 Tesco staff puffing on cigarettes. As I left the car park, I nearly ran over a gang of school kids; all of them were smoking Marlboro and slugging on cheap vodka. I wondered whether the next stupid twattish thing the government might do would be to raise the price of alcoholic drinks for the whole country in the vague hope that underage drinkers would opt instead to consume lemonade.
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