It's only 26th October, and I have today seen my first 'Guy'. Bonfire Night is still 10 days away, and we have all yet to get past the awful Halloween shit that's engulfed the fuckin' country. So, on Friday night there will be mayhem nationwide as different factions of the population adopt approaches that fit with their various outlooks. Some will get pissed because it's a special occasion; some will go to a party and get pissed, possibly dressing up as well; some parents will accompany their offspring and knock on doors, annoying occupants but getting away with it; some parents will have no clue where their kids are or why all the eggs have gone missing from the pantry (or the fridge, in households where there remains a mistaken belief that eggs require such an ambience). Some teenage cunts will cause terror and havoc with stunts, threats, criminal activities and thuggery, all convinced that 'trick or treat' night gives them the excuse to interpret things slightly differently, so that they have an opportunity to 'extort and/or punish'.
The majority, who will be at home watching TV, will hope that no one knocks the door, throws eggs at the house, scratches the car, digs up flowers, or breaks a window. If there is a knock at the door, a secondary wish will kick in, relating to a hope that a couple of Quality Street will be enough to make the caller(s) fuck off without reaction and dire consequences in line with the aforementioned.
From Saturday onwards, the shops will be trying to sell off the shitty costumes and props associated with Halloween, but no one will want them. The streets will be littered with fucked-up pumpkins, and egg shells.
All the shelf space will immediately be given over to Christmas shit, to complement the crap that's been on shelves since cuntin' August.
As for today's sighting of a 'Guy', I must highlight the state of the country as reflected in the quality of the 'chap' in question. Two scallies decided to stand outside ASDA in full chav regalia and look like refugees. The 'excuse for a Guy' on the floor in the corner was something the average 3-year-old could knock up in a 30 minute craft lesson at Nursery. I considered walking up to them (for a laugh) and waiting for the standard request - 'Penny for the Guy'. Upon hearing this, I would have proffered quite simply a penny. I am sure the twats would not have got the joke. Whilst it would have been well worth a penny for entertainment value, I had shopping to load into the car, some destined for the freezer, so had no time to waste.
I wonder if this week there might be the first sighting of carol singers, in which case we could all enjoy a melee (or perhaps a medley) of inputs, with calls for "penny for the guy" mingling with "Jingle Bells", under a showers of eggs. Roll on Easter.
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