15.10.14 This Week's TV Lowlights

TV Guide Observations

River Monsters  Jeremy Wade sits alongside a 17ft anaconda.  Last in series.
Sadly the anaconda wasn't hungry enough to do us all a favour and consume JW.  Still, at least it's the end of the series.

Gogglebox Celebrity Special for SU2C  Nicole Scherzinger performs with a choir of children who survived cancer.
Surely these kids have suffered enough without having to endure this extra ordeal?

Derren Brown and Martin Freeman for SU2C  Derren Brown performs a stunt for Martin Freeman, plus Jack Whitehall is on hand to raise awareness of testicular cancer.
So it's Jack Whitehall talking bollocks yet again.

Paul O'Grady: For the Love of Dogs  Paul helps to remove matted hair from a neglected German shepherd.  See Pick of the Day.
For once, the extra information after the colon is useful, or I'd have assumed Paul was going to groom a bloke from Bavaria.  I like the 'pick of the day' coincidence as well.

Do We Really Need the Moon?  Maggie Aderin-Pocock explores Earth's relationship with its satellite.
What a pathetic fucking concept for a programme.  This is not a question worth asking, as there's hardly any choice.  Maggie needs to find something more useful to do with her life, and other questions to tackle, questions that might lead to proper consideration and even affect outcomes.  For example, "Do we need HS2?"  Now that's a question with an obvious answer, and the programme would last just a few seconds for the 'No' to be stated in response.  Maggie could then get back to knitting a colander.

The Kitchen  The Barry-Powers face an uphill battle to get eight-year-old Cerys to school.
Yawn.  No mention of it being downhill on the way home!


Lowlight of the Week

Loose Women  Jonathan Ross joins the panel to discuss the return of his chat show.

As for Channel 5, and its appalling lack of quality, the schedules demonstrate just how pathetic the offerings are.  Take Thursday's running order, as an example:

8.00  Benefits, Babies and Jail
9.00  No Foreigners Here - 100% British
10.00  Hey Big Spenders! Shopaholics Exposed
11.00  Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away
12.00  SuperCasino

The Daily Mail TV Guide is littered with diabolical abuses of the English language, and one particular annoyance is the obsession with making singular things plural.  Examples:

Antiques Roadshow:  The team visit . . . .  VISITS
Our Girl:  As the unit prepare to . . . .  PREPARES
Carry On Matron:  A gang of crooks try to . . . .  TRIES
Flog It! Trade Secrets:  The team explore . . . .  EXPLORES
Only Connect:  A team of orienteers take on . . . .  TAKES
Cagney & Lacey:  The duo witness a shooting . . . .  WITNESSES
Home Away from Home:  A family from Essex swap homes with . . . . SWAPS
Cagney & Lacey:  A gang of robbers impersonate police officers . . . . IMPERSONATES
The Job Lot:  The team are put under pressure . . . .  IS


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15.10.14 ITV.Be and BBC Desperation

The Chase

The depths to which television 'entertainment' can sink to are truly astounding.  Last week I endured a supposed 'celebrity' version of The Chase, featuring the irritating Ken Bruce, and the thick-as-pig-shit support trio of David Haye, Laila Morse and Paul Ince.  Ken went for the £30,000 and was ejected by The Chaser, Anne Hegerty.  Ince was also ejected, leaving two heavyweights (ref body weight) who proved to be lightweights on the intellectual scale.  This pair managed to get through to the chase, and were given the opportunity to display a level of shite that has never before been seen on the programme.  Their score was 7.  That's 'SEVEN'.  Seven fucking correct answers, when usually the final chase involves The Chaser attempting to get anywhere between 15 and 23 points.  At one stage, Anne was asked a question which required her to state the primary colour associated with something, and her answer of 'RED' was incorrect.  Laila Morse and David Haye looked non-plussed, and then she offered her alternative answer on behalf of the pair.  I thought that with only two options available, the 50% chance of success would see them have a chance of clawing back a single point. However, Laila's answer (remember, a primary colour other than 'red' was needed) was 'BROWN' - wtf?

ITV.Be

On the one hand, it is a welcome development that ITV has created a new channel, because this has necessitated filling it up with programmes, and the process appears to have involved collecting all the complete shit and putting it in one place.  The result is that I can choose to ignore for all time ITV.Be, and regain some small percentage of the sanity taken from my my the previous exposure to shit.  The only downside of the mopping-up exercise is the mad level of promotion of this awful channel.  The result of all the shit residing in one place is a beneficial one, as long as ITV starts very quickly to tone down its deluded view that we need to be told about the bollocks that the twats in charge have scooped up and put there!

BBC2 Desperation

Just as ITV has decided we need a supplement to the main programme, and has given us via ITV2 The Extra Factor, the BBC has decided that we are desperate enough to clamour for extra helpings.  Thus, BBC2 serves us endless Bake Off helpings, whether it's the "Extra Slice" edition, or the milking of a concept via its "Masterclass" programmes.  This is of course aside from actual repeats, which litter the corporation's output.  BBC2 is also the home of "It Takes Two", the vehicle for Zoe Ball to annoy the fuck out of humanity with her garish style of presenting the tittle-tattle surrounding Strictly Come Dancing.  We are now set to endure Dara O'Briain chatting to the week's cast-off from the Apprentice, with his "You're Fired" programme.  I have no idea why it's become so fashionable to force extra programmes out of the dregs of the main one.

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12.10.14 The Sunday Results

Strictly Come Dancing

The dance-off was contested between the wrong two pairs.  Don't get me wrong, both couples were pretty awful, and one could argue that on this basis, ejection of either would have served a purpose.  What's so annoying, though, is the system for scoring that sees the horrendous Judy Murray survive for yet another fucking week.  This travesty is one that undermines the whole programme.  Bruno made a telling comment regarding her 'performance' when he said that during her dance, she went "from Nelson's Column to a blob". Elsewhere, Tim Whatacock was saved by the bored housewives who no doubt watch daytime TV, and whatever antiques show he pisses about on. Scott Mills is simply embarrassing.  Let's hope that over the next three weeks, we lose each of those three in turn.  Sadly, the public vote is so unpredictable that idiots with phones will bugger up proceedings, I fear.

Jennifer Gibney   &   Simon Webbe

The dance off was between Miss Fritton/Rupert Everett, and the most boring of the Blue mob.  There was not an ounce of entertainment in the painful efforts that saw the St Trinian's headmistress make her exit.  The good news for all is that the awful Donny Osmond is also exiting this week.  His scoring has been the most random pot of toss that one could have imagined.  Let's hope he's not invited back.


The X-Factor

The results show commands an hour of the TV schedule, despite there being need of only about fifteen minutes to do the necessary.  Sadly this programme is designed to allow guests to tout their albums, and Pharrell Williams [the culprit responsible for the 'Happy' song] was invited to annoy us in person this week.  His performance was shite, flat, uninspiring, and self-indulgent.  What sort of example is this to set for the sixteen contestants behind the stage?  "Get your hands up high, move them side to side" - with lyrics like this, Pharrell needs to get a brain to put inside that silly hat.

Next up was Taylor Swift with a song so annoying, light-weigh and forgettable that my mind has gone as blank now as it did when she was 'singing' the wailing playground jingle that included much use of the word 'shake'.  I suspect the word was used around 70 times!  The four judges stood at the right moment, I think coinciding with the electric shock that Brian Friedman sent to their chairs as a prank.  Dermot thanked Taylor Swift rather than head-butt her (shame) and it was then time for the nauseating competition details.  So, half an hour in, and not a sniff of relevance to the 'results'.

The roll call was interrupted by an ad break, and the last three were revealed.  Out of the competition went Blonde Electra.  Well, considering they should never have been included, this was no loss at all.  Overload Generation and Stephanie were left to compete in the 'sing-off'.

Overload Generation bored me with the usual weak warbling, face pulling, flat notes, and general gormlessness which Simon referred to yesterday in respect of the middle one of the five.  This was an unmemorable performance.  Stephanie, by non-contrast, was equally unable to sing.  Her weak voice contained a few warbles, and this tame effort was only 20 decibels above heavy breathing.  The disgrace of X-Factor is that one of the two had to be saved!  I am sure that the Mel B school of man management would have seen both kicked off.

Simon - "Shockingly bad" for Overload.  Cheryl followed suit, but Mel B sent Stephanie home.  Would Louis go to 'deadlock?  Of course.  So, at 2-2, the public vote was used to decide the outcome.  The fewest votes were scored by Overload Generation, and the five went home.  It seems the group of them was around just about long enough to add a word to the name, but not long enough to count to two.

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12.10.14 X-Factor Live Shows

Louis Walsh . . . . . Why?

In the numerous breaks for adverts, I watched the supermarkets trying to outdo each other.  Sanctimonious Sainsbury's managed to suggest that when their 'deals' are over, unlike Tesco the prices don't jump back to the previous high levels.  So, both might offer something at £2 but when Tesco puts the price back to £4, Sainsbury's sets it at £3.  Excuse me, if both of you cunts can sell something at £2 when it suits, then both £3 and £4 are piss-takes.

Meanwhile, Morrisons is apparently charging £5 for tubs of chocolate sweets, while Asda is selling them at £4.  Ner-ner-neeeeer!  At the same time, Morrisons is three quid cheaper than Asda on Bold washing liquid - na-naa-na-naa-naa!  This pathetic bickering in the breaks was most annoying.

Back on X-Factor, the same pathetic bickering was evident.  The judges are a pain in the cunt.  The jostling and put downs are so puerile, and instead of concentrating on the singers [no, there are no grounds yet for calling them 'artists'] we are expected to be interested in the bluntness of Mel B, the vowels of Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Pancho-Sanchez-Versini-Technicolor, Simon's pontification, and Louis Bloody Walsh period.  Meanwhile, Dermot presides over a drawn out mess of a programme that on Saturday took up two-and-a-half hours in the TV schedule.  Obviously the time wasted on competition announcements, useless recaps and nine advert breaks meant actually one-and-three-quarter hours of programme, within which the singing accounted for 24 minutes!

The mammoth test of endurance to get to the live shows included the Judges' Houses stage, where one set of hopefuls went to Simon's house, while the three other judges found a location to hire for their own rabbles. Whittling down the six to three in each category was an arduous task, accompanied by much wailing and crying, plus the obligatory begging, pleading, moaning and affirmations that this meant 'everything' to them. Eventually, 24 became 12 - more than enough for us to find a winner from in the coming weeks.  Then the Wildcard phenomenon kicked in.

It did more than that, it proved a kick in the teeth for common sense, because the phenomenon became phenomena!  I recall the Wildcard from a previous time, when the 12 became 13.  That was in keeping with the concept of a Wildcard, singular.  This time, each judge allocated a Wildcard for another judge, giving us FOUR more to listen to.  So, the Judges' Houses stage was in fact largely a farce that allowed Sinitta to parade in feathers, Tulisa to test her new pouty look on us,  Cheryl to call in Tinie Tempah to try and look cool, and Mel B to get grinning input and inanity from Bunton. As the end result was in fact to lose just two per category, it was ostentatious padding for the TV schedules.

16 singers or groups last night, what a marathon.  NB: The next idiot who refers to one of the five or the eight blokes as a "band" instead of a group will be the subject of a voodoo curse.  Here's the five-star round up of the performers:

Paul Akister =  ***
Lola Saunders =  ***
Overload Generation =  *
Jay James =  **
Stephanie Nala =  *
Jack Walton =  *
Chloe Jasmine =  ***
Stereo Kicks =  **
Stevi Richie =
Lauren Platt =  ****
Blonde Electra =  *
Ben Haenow =  ***
Jake Quickenden =  **
Fleur East =  ****
Only The Young =  **
Andrea Faustini =  *****

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12.10.14 Strictly Unnecessary

What aspect of Strictly Come Dancing might be deemed 'unnecessary' then? Well, a number of things.

1  - By far and away the most annoying thing about the programme is that Tess Daly seems to have been ordained as main presenter, and is doing a fantastic job at annoying the cunting fuck out of me just as much as Bruce Forsyth did.  This brash Foghorn Leghorn persona is simply unsuited to any of the media other than journalism.  You see, a newspaper article does not have any sound (let alone a volume control).  TV or radio options should not be extended to Tess, whose next gig is to stand in for the Eddystone lighthouse when the maintenance means downtime for the lights.  Her voice will uncomfortably warn ships of the rocks, and give every ship's crew the fucking shits at the same time.

2  - Donny Osmond made a guest appearance this week, offering his input from the panel of judges.  His input, aside from referring to anyone/everyone as 'baby' was as useful as Judy Murray is to Anton du Beke.  The silly whooping from females scattered in the audience when Osmond enthused about something was pathetic, and whilst phrasing most commonly switches this comment around, we was sorely welcomed, and will be gladly missed.

3  - There are simply too many contestants who serve as padding.  I don't as in the case that could be made for Alison Hammond, refer to the bulk involved, but the pointlessness of extending the length of the programme through inclusion of people not worth a jot.  Gregg Wallace should have been left to wallow in a kitchen somewhere, and fortunately he was ejected at the first opportunity. Tim Wonnacott  is just irrelevant, as is the Bloke from Blue. This is a title shared by a few chaps who seem to pop up with some regularity on all manner of programmes on TV.  This time it's Simon Webbe who has blocked participation from one of the others - for your reference, and to help you avoid anything they ever feature in, they are Antony Costa, Duncan James and Lee Ryan.  Jennifer Gibney reminds me of Rupert Everett in his role as Miss Fritton at St Trinians.  Scott Mills should go home. There's an ex-rugby player (isn't there always?) whom I've never heard of, and a 'wildlife presenter' of some sort.  Finally, the overweight one is included, this year it's one who's about one-and-a-half of Lisa Riley.  Mark Wright is of course in it as well, because this chap seems destined to be forced upon us, whether by the BBC idiots or the direst of dicks running ITV2. He's a nice enough chap though, and with a brain he'd possible have some uses.

4  - Judy Murray deserves special mention, under a bullet point of her own. Hmmmm . . . bullet.  Anyway, I digress.  Unfortunately for the viewing public, Judy Murray is being presented as someone in whom we have an interest.  I believe she has a famous son, one who plays a game for a living and has recently got quite good.  Obviously playing games is qualification these days for being a 'celebrity'.  It now seems that being the mother of someone who can hit a ball is also deemed suitable as qualification for such a status, and gives reason enough for the TV Licence payers to stump up (sorry, that's cricket) serve up thousands of pounds so she can grin at the screen and scare my dog.  Poor Anton du Beke.  What has he done to deserve getting the dross each year?

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4.10.14 Terrible Television

ITV recently decided that Craig Charles needed to tell us, via a 90-minute programme, which was The Nation's Favourite Motown Song.  Who the fuck bothered to vote on that?  I would also like to point out, for the seven people in the UK who just might be interested, than in the other ITV programme entitled Peter Andre's 60 Minute Makeover, there is no attempt to spruce up Peter, and in fact the confusingly named show involves him fronting some shit where people's houses get some attention.  I made sure a couple of months ago that I missed Rio in Rio, a 50-minute ungrammatical offering by the BBC, as I would have squirmed in coping with that much of Rio Ferdinand.

Sky Living recently brought us Obese: A Year to Save My Life USA, with the content apparently amounting to "A 23-year-old who weighs 32st."  I wonder if there will be a follow up, if she makes it, perhaps with the content of "A 32-year-old who weighs 23st."

Sometimes it can be amusing to see the running order of programmes on some channels, and I occasionally see if a trio can amuse me.  Whilst some channels are devoted to certain themes, others clearly are not.  On More4 last month, I spotted these three:

10.00 Britain's Fattest Man
11.05 The Perfect Penis
12.15 Grand Designs

Elsewhere, recently, there was Kids with Cameras: Diary of a Children's Ward, and the TV listing causes some concern with its comments on what to expect - "A 12-year-old boy recovers from a stroke."  Hmmm . . . surely that's a bit dodgy!

Last week and this week I see from the TV listings a basis for mild annoyance, as a result of the unnecessary and unwarranted airing of films starring Nicholas Cage.  For some reason, Channel 5 last Sunday decided we needed him the the 198th time on our screens in Gone in 60 Seconds, and then had to endure another dose in Bangkok Dangerous.  Two days later, BBC1 joined in with the needless glut with his film Honeymoon in Vegas.  It was rather disappointing to see in today's listings for the coming week further offerings, with Cage starring in Next and Adaptation.

Pointless Shitty Television

The schedules are littered with crap; I would like to share a few example that demonstrate just how useless the Cunts In Charge are at endorsing decent entertainment, and offering anything worthy of viewing.

ITV- Who's Doing the Dishes?  Singer Joe McElderry hosts a dinner party for four strangers who try to guess their mystery host's identity, with the aim of winning a cash prize.  Dire indeed!

BBC2- The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice  Jo Brand is joined by three celebrity fans to discuss how the competitors fared in the semi-final, and also chats to the baker who was eliminated earlier tonight.  What a waste of half an hour!  Bake Off can fuck off, and an extra fucking slice is certainly NOT needed.

Channel 5- The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door  A dispute with the residents of a mobile home leads to a man being attacked with a hammer, and a woman decides to tackle a dog mess problem in her council block.  Is this really supposed to be entertainment?  WTF?

This week's low-lights include more desperate efforts to cram celebrity versions of shows into our visual menu.

ITV- The Chase: Celebrity Special  Radio 2 Presenter Ken Bruce, former England Midfielder Paul Ince, Eastenders actress Laila Morse and boxer David Haye take on the show's resident trivia expert in a test of their general knowledge.  Bradley Walsh hosts.

A review of this line-up quickly confirms desperation in full.  Ken Bruce is a radio presenter for a particular reason - he does not belong on fucking TV! Paul Ince is a waste of space who does not deserve or warrant any airtime at all!  I would have thought that after his inclusion in a cringe worthy edition of Mrs & Mrs, ITV would have learned its lesson, and discarded Ince to the wastelands of the backs of our minds, where only occasionally do we recall his footballing days, and that penalty shoot-out when Ince did not take one. Laila Morse is the sack of spuds who appeared disastrously on Dancing On Ice, then on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, and now apparently warrants more indulgence.  David Haye, another IACGMOOH has-been is simply irrelevant.

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2.10.14 Ryanair Baggage Advice "Service"

I know the can of lager is something that cannot be taken on to the plane (440ml) as I need instead to purchase something on board at approximately ten times the price, but the other two items apparently are a no go.

Live Chats

Judit[11:42]#!#library

Judit[11:42]Hi TMWSC, I'm Judit from Ryanair, how can I help?

[11:45]Hi - I have just purchased from Lidl two small motoring items that I am hoping to take in my hand luggage in 4 weeks. I have checked the terms and see no reason why they would not be acceptable but would like clarification/confirmation. 1 - small 1.7kg compressor which plugs into a car’s cigarette lighter, and means I can blow up a flat tyre, and 2 – a small 0.3kg battery pack that can be used to boost a flat car battery

Judit[11:48]Is it a wet battery or dry batter included in it?

[11:50]not wet, dry. tiny thing that goes in glove box in case battery goes flat. Seems to be a glorified battery that you'd get on a laptop.

Judit[11:52]I see.

Judit[11:52]Let me check this for you.

Judit[11:57]I apologize for the wait. Thank you for your patience.

Judit[11:58]I have checked this for you, it is not possible to take it unfortunately.

Judit[12:00]Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Judit[12:03]If there is anything else I can assist you with, please come back to us.

Judit[12:03]#!#library

Judit[12:03]Goodbye TMWSC, thank you for using our Live Chat Service. You will shortly receive by email an overview of our conversation. If you do not receive this in your inbox please check your junk mail.

[12:03]What a weird world we live in . . . oh well. NB

At this point, the communication was closed, and my further point (NB) that I typed was not recorded and went nowhere.  I queried whether it was okay to take the mini compressor, and whether the advice was from Ryanair or in synch with the Security people who vet baggage at the airport.  I therefore had to try again.

Re-engage

Judit[12:10]Hi TMWSC, I'm Judit from Ryanair, how can I help?

[12:11]hi - you just closed down my further query before I could hit the button. Having declined to carry a small dry battery charger, I was left without confirmation regarding the mini compressor. This has no power, and plugs into a car's cigarette lighter. Can I carry this item?

Judit[12:17]I am sorry, but it is not possible to take the compressor either as it can contain gases.

[12:18]It contains absolutely nothing !!!! It plugs into a lighter in a car, and then sucks up air, pushing it into the flat tyre !!!!!!

Judit[12:21]I see. In this case you can take it but it cannot have pressure in it.

Judit[12:25]Is there anything else I can help you with today?

[12:25]Is this for sure, or just your opinion? I need to know that after packing my bag and arriving at Security, someone is not going to say 'no' to a simple gadget that can blow up flat tyres (and balloons) causing me to have to bin it . . ?

Judit[12:27]I have double check this for you and it is possible to take it if it does not contains gases and has no pressure in it.

Judit[12:27]If you wish you can also call the airport security and they can confirm it.

[12:29]I'd appreciate some peace of mind that your own advice is in sync with the people who are based at the Security dept, because they might have a different view on what's okay . . thanks . .

At this point I went to the loo, and upon my return, saw the Goodbye message, and had no visibility of the following four lines, and thought that Judit was actually going to check with Security.

Judit[12:30]where are you travelling from? At which airport?

Judit[12:33]Are you still there?

Judit[12:34]If there is anything else I can assist you with, please come back to us.

Judit[12:34]#!#library

Judit[12:34]Goodbye TMWSC, thank you for using our Live Chat Service. You will shortly receive by email an overview of our conversation. If you do not receive this in your inbox please check your junk mail.

At this point, I considered I had received no proper advice, and certainly nothing I could rely upon.  I therefore had to try for a third time.  I logged a chat request, and up popped Robert.  I typed an overview for him, in the hope that he would be able to add some sense to the equation, but just as I was about to hit the ‘send’ button, the facility closed!  The transcript logged is thus rather shorter than my input!

Re-engage

Robert[12:43]#!#library

Robert[12:43]Hi TMWSC, I'm Robert from Ryanair, how can I help?

Robert[12:45]How can I help?

Re-engage

David[12:53]#!#library

David[12:53]Hi TMWSC, I'm David from Ryanair, how can I help?

[12:53]I missed the answer from Judit, ref Security's comments on the mini compressor

David[12:54]How may I help you today?

[12:55]I have just typed ?

David[12:57]You cannot take it to the plane due to security reasons, if that would be the question.

[12:58]I am confused. I asked about the mini compressor and Judit said that was ok. She was double checking with Security . . ?

David[13:00]We cannot check this by the airport security you have to ask it from the airport.

[13:02]Right; Judit says, after my extensive emails, that the mini compressor is okay for hand baggage. The offer was made to check with security, so that when I pass security, I am allowed to proceed by them. Do you speak just for Ryanair, or for the Airport security who actually check the baggage for you?

David[13:03]We cannot speak instead of the airport, some items are not airline restricted items its depends on the airport if they are allowing it or not.

[13:05]What on earth is the point of me asking you if something can be carried if there's the probability that you'll say yes, and then when I arrive for my flight and go through Security, I am told I cannot take it?

David[13:08]If you would like to make sure that you can take the item contact with the airport, as I wrote some items are not airline restricted.

[13:10]This 'service' is a complete farce

David[13:11]Thank you for your feedback.

David[13:11]If there is anything else I can assist you with, please come back to us.

David[13:11]#!#library

David[13:11]Goodbye TMWSC, thank you for using our Live Chat Service. You will shortly receive by email an overview of our conversation. If you do not receive this in your inbox please check your junk.

At this point I checked my junk, and found I still had a dick and two balls, though not as much in the way of bollocks as the advice line managed.  Judit had managed not to really understand what I was wanting to carry on board, and her final ‘yes’ gave me as much confidence as might be gained from holding a cushion in front of me in the face of an oncoming train.  The speed with which any chat communication is closed (whether manually of automatically) means that unless something is actually transmitted every minute, the thread will be lost; once the screen flicks to the Thank You message, and a request to give feedback, there’s no view of the exchange.  Needless to say I ticked the “No” to confirm I was not satisfied with the responses.

In summary, there is absolutely no point in asking anything of Ryanair, or perhaps any other airline, regarding what can and cannot be carried in luggage/baggage, because it's got nothing to do with them at all. Instead, there needs to be a line to the security people who on behalf of the airlines decide what can be allowed. The conclusion is that what is acceptable under the terms for any airline must in fact be identical. I've never seen Security people say that 200ml of liquid is okay for Easyjet but not Ryanair, or that a toothpick is fine for Ryanair to Dublin but not Jet2 to Barcelona.

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