Cheryl Cole-Tweedy
The judges took to the stage, and Cheryl Fandango Verruca was dressed in yellow, in a totally impractical dress. On her right shoulder, I noticed something odd, and Mrs MWSC simultaneously made mention of the same. I suggested it looked like a dead armadillo, while Mrs MWSC settled on a tumour!
The communal song got under way, with Louisa sounding great. Che was next to start singing, and was fine. Then the wailing Lauren grated my brain. What was left of my brain was then exposed to Budgie 'N' Bollox, who had no business being on stage.
Flack was flanked by her shadow, Olly Murs. Jason Derulo was introduced with more hype than I've ever seen for a performer. I then endured some sort of generic noise that was supported on stage by a running advert for everything and anything in red and black. Whoever kicked Jason in the nuts just before he came on was accurate as fuck, leading to a high-pitched whine in his range of squeaks.
"Be an individual," said Jason, after his performance of a generic, unimaginative, cliche song. After more adverts, we finally got to a performance from Sia, someone who is most certainly individual and interesting. Yet more adverts followed, and I think we are all now supposed to have forgotten completely about TalkTalk managing to lose millions of records to computer hackers.
Flack announced that over three million votes have been recorded. That's pitiful, considering anyone with the App will be able to vote five times for nothing, instead of paying via mobiles. In essence, there are likely to be no more than half a million people in the UK who give a shit.
Into the final =
Veggie 'N' Bollox
Louisa Johnson
I have no idea on the exact maths, but clearly there are about 200,000 nutters in the UK, whose hearing is defectrive, leading to VFRNBS. This serious and debilitating disease does not unfortunately lead to inactivity, but a ludicrous growing desire during November and December to vote irresponsibly. I blame ITV for not reminding viewers about possible help from the Samaritans, and via voteaware.co.uk, which supports the 'Vote Responsibly' mantra.
* VFRNBS = Vote For Reggie N Bollie Syndrome
This left Che to fend off Lauren Murray in the head to head. "She's intoxicating," said Rita when introducing Lauren. No, Rita, infuriating. Lauren shouted and wailed, off key here and there, and confirmed her mouth is as wide as a goalmouth. The performance was simply dreadful. She bobbed up and down while shouting her tits of. Che came on and sang a Simon and Garfunkel song that meant my ears could rest a bit after the assault by Lauren. Despite his warbling and extended syllables, it was still better than Lauren's racket by a mile.
Cole sent Lauren home, leaving Simon to confirm Lauren's exit, or send it to deadlock. The stupid twat milked it, and then bottled it by "letting the public decide". WANKER, COWELL!
Lauren received the fewest votes from the public, so was rightly ejected. Meanwhile, Cowell was allowed to escape responsibility for not making a decision and being a wimp. She fanked her mentor REET-aaah.
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