Well, here again for another desperate portion of shite from most of the singers left in the competition. It is a blessing that this series is to be the last one, after ITV bought the rights to The Voice. I hope there is no attempt to squeeze in another run before the switch in schedules.
I despair at the quality of the show, seeing as the vocal quality is questionable. When did the standards drop? Why were we not informed of the changes? This week, we had input from Lionel Richie looking like a weird version of the chap who sang "Hello" in 1983, coincidentally called Lionel Richie as well.
ROUND ONE
Veggie 'N' Bollox
The show got off to an abysmal start, with the two nice chaps providing a serving of complete and utter crap. There was not even any of that pathetic component that apparently makes anything shit okay - 'fun'. Instead, we endured an awful noise. Get real, UK! NO ONE will buy their fucking album. - 4/5 [That's MINUS FOUR]
Lauren Not Mint
Lauren Murray was horrendous. "She looks like a mattress stuffed in a pillowcase," said Mrs MWSC and I had to agree. More annoying, though, was the wailing that she was providing, which was complemented only by the howling gales that I could hear outside, as 'Desmond' (the name of this storm) did his stuff. Some duff notes added minor variety to the racket. 0.5/5
Che Chesterman
The annoying pitch of this song (Would I Lie To You?) meant that I was turned off within seconds. Yes, he has a talent, and a voice that can on occasion be superb. However, when he sings at the high pitch and decides to outdo Lauren with the wailing, I actually think her deeper voice is more bearable - comparatively of course. "You can sing anything you want," said Rita Bore-us-to-death. I wish, therefore, that he had sung something else. 2.5/5
Louisa Johnson
Well, that showed the others, eh? The performance was super and put the previous acts to shame. No contest. 4.5/5
ROUND TWO
Che Chesterman
This effort was rather better than the first song, and I liked it. The word 'iconic' was used by Tweedy, and then Cowell. Cowell said it was 'ordinary'. "How do you feel after them comments," said Olly, abusing the English language. 4/5
Louisa Johnson
It's a Man's World - I shuddered when I heard the song title, and then got annoyed when Louisa said "I'm interpreting this as girl power". WTF? Still, she is good, and it survived, by the skin of it's fucking teeth. Too much wailing, though. "You blew me away; how many times are you going to do this to me?" asked Rita. "Until you fucking don't come back," said I, from my sofa. 2.5/5
Lauren Murray
"Running", she sang. I puzzled at her lack of horizontal movement, and tried to work out what the squatting was all about while she finished on a couple of bum notes. Cheryl talked shit. Cowell talked shit. Rita talked real shit, with a riddling of cliches. 1.5/5
Budgie 'N' Dolly
A "mash up" is for when doing one song properly is beyond the capabilities of a performer. Fandango-Vagina thus opted for a mash-up for them. The dodgy vocals persisted, along with some shouting. I rushed to pre-order my copy of their album. No - I cuntin' didn't! The second half of the performance confirmed they liked to "move it, move it" and it was less annoying than usual. The first song was so bad that it was impossible for them to get back the lost points and get positive. 2/5
TOTALS
Louisa 7.5
Che 6.5
Lauren 2.0
R & B Minus 2.0
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