Did you know that the name 'Valerie' has seventeen syllables? Neither did I. Apparently, though, that's exactly the required level of pronunciation according to Che Chesterman. The first song of the evening was a rather limp warbling marathon, while every man and his hot dog was wiggling on stage as part of the backing troupe. The performance overall was not quite good enough.
Reggie 'N' Bollox were next up, and I shuddered at the thought. While I shuddered, I saw on the VT that two girls aged thirteen or so were screaming like mad ahead of a performance in Newcastle. Poor delinquents. When it came to them (allegedly) singing, the pair of them made Louis Walsh's Wagner sound like Andrea Bocelli. "That was a bit cruise ship for me," said Rita. Shame they aren't on one, in the Pacific.
Louisa believed she could fly, and told us this many times in a rather boring effort, backed up by so many singers on stage. In fact the number of backing singers was the same as the syllables in Che singing 'Valerie' four times. The crowd cheered, though not as loudly as when Budgie 'N' Bollox finished. Cheryl Tweedy felt the need to tell us Louisa is seventeen years old. Simon Cowell called her an angel, and then reconfirmed to us that Louisa is seventeen years old.
There was a break from the singing next. The interruption to any form of entertainment came from Ben Haenow, proving that total mediocrity can triumph on X-Factor. Fortunately we had Leona Lewis joining in. Even then, though, the twosome made a combined racket that I could have done without. Ben, you were super . . . . superfluous, that is!
Then it was Flack's turn to talk shit.
Fracking is the process of drilling down into the earth before a high-pressure water mixture is directed at the rock to release gas inside. Water, sand and chemicals are injected into the rock, allowing the gas to flow to the head of the well.
Flacking is the process of drilling into people's heads with a high-pressure mixture of bollocks and waffle, until you're driven to want to gas her. Annoyance is injected, and the desire for silence wells up until you are about to explode.
Che was then brought out for his second attempt at winning our votes. The slightly more sedate delivery was welcome, although when he introduced Rod Stewart, I went to the loo, knowing I'd heard it all before.
Next up, Veggie 'N' Wally, and a complete fucking racket. I'd no idea who the other bloke was who joined in half way through, but he wasn't much better. As a trio, it was a joke. Then I discovered it was Craig David, and wondered what his motivation was for associating himself with this auditory assault.
Louisa was then on stage and joined by Rita. Of the two, I'd say that Louisa was the better!
Then there was a complete fuck-up by ITV. This resulted in there being no recap, so, hardly any loss, eh? Flack fracked her way to introducing Fleur East and Little Mix, who mashed something up on stage. After that, we had the five minute warning.
It turned out that the warning was for the second worse act of the night. Obviously Dodgie 'N' Collie were the worst, but Rod Stewart pushed them hard for the honour. Flack sucked up to him, with the usual chit-chat at the end of his noise.
Ten minutes after Olly's five-minute warning, he was back with Flack to introduce back on stage the three acts and the judges.
RESULT: Louisa was first to be named safe, followed by R'N'B. This left Che in third place. Who the fuck is voting for Stodgie 'N' Rollie?
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