30.12.15 Gorilla Gawping

Who'd be a Rwandan gorilla, eh?  Talk about a heavy schedule.  These poor chaps are in such demand that they don't even get a break at Christmas. Someone at ITV has really fucked up this year.  First the decision was made to let Steve Bishop loose in the jungle to gawp at gorillas.  Second, the same cunt decided to let Griff Rhys Jones out of his cage to tell us that it will yet again be alright on the night.

The gorillas obviously had to check their Filofaxes to give Bishop a slot, because they most certainly have little respite from people all over the globe trotting to Rwanda, gnashing their teeth, and being desperate to endanger the endangered species.  What with Joey Essex recently being pointed in the direction of some gorillas, I would have thought the primates would have banned UK visitors.  Still, if every country is sending idiots, comedians, survival nobs and 'celebrities' to have a gawp, then the 365 days in the year must be well and truly spoken for.

It was probably a blessing for the Rwandan tribe to learn that the BBC had used its allotted time, what with Attenborough scratching around every year, and that Gordon Buchanan had booked with the Grauer Gorillas of the Democratic Republic of Congo.  Still, at least he is a wildlife cameraman, rather than someone with no business bothering a chimp, let alone a gorilla.  So, back to Bishop, then.  He's a nice enough chap, even if he does speak at 1.3 mph, and labour every joke more than the warden in a fucking prison camp getting inmates to split rocks.  There is no excuse, though, for sending a comedian to the jungle, when he opts not to be funny at all.  The logic is nuts and the reasoning bananas.  ITV may as well have sent Barbara Windsor - in fact, that would have been Jackpot Cunting Joy for all, surely?  [Obviously with NO cameras and NO return ticket]

Tonight, Griff Rhys Jones will hog the ITV screen, causing more offence than Michael Bublé and his crooning, let alone the accented 'e'.  Still, Bublé only seems to escape his bubble at Christmas, so perhaps I ought to be thankful. GRJ gets rather more (too much) exposure for my liking.  He is basically as pointless as 2012 remake of the Spiderman film.  Yesterday ITV showed The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) which added completely fuck-all to the 2002 original, and no doubt cost many millions to make.

Channel 5 has, for New Year's Day, lined up Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.  Sadly it has been "edited for blood and violence". This cautionary note is, I think, confirmation that the cunts have removed some of the original film, rather than put some extra portions in.  This tampering is despicable, and wholly out of order.

On a final 'gorilla' note, I saw that Greg Wallace proved himself to be a twat on Masterchef - not that there was ever any doubt whatsoever.

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30.12.15 The Fucking Festivity Factor

It seems to be the case that 'Festivity' climaxes on 24th December.  I say this for good reason, and in the light of a review of my TV listing that covers the period from Saturday 19th December through to Friday 1st January.  Over the two weeks, on the five main terrestrial TV stations, the compilers of the schedules have chosen to include the word Festive in a way that begged further investigation.

The reason for my delving stemmed from the annoyance felt through seeing the relentless use of this word when there was little need for such.  The unwarranted prevalence of this often superfluous, useless and pointless word drove me to check on the usage in a more calculated way.  First, though, let's have a look at some examples of the text in the guide.

Keep It in the Family - A festive-themed edition of . . . . . .
Porridge - Festive special, with Ronnie Barker.
Best Christmas Bakes Ever - Jane Asher introduces festive recipes . . . .
The Christmas Big Sing - . . . . festive music from the Royal Albert Hall
Countryfile: Cornish Coastal Christmas - Festive reports from Truro . . . .
Simply Nigella: Christmas Special - A guide to stress-free festive cooking . . . .
Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas - Festive spin-off . . . .
Mock the Week Christmas Special - A festive edition . . . .
My Crazy Christmas Obsession - . . . . who take festive decorating to the extreme.
The Supervet at Christmas - Festive edition . . . .
A Question of Sport Christmas Special - A festive edition . . . .
All Star Mr & Mrs - Festive special . . . .
Posh Pawn at Christmas - . . . . struggles to get into the festive spirit.
Celebrity Come Dine with Me - . . . . get into the party spirit in a festive special.
The Simpsons - Four tales celebrating the festive season.
Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! Christmas Special - moral dilemmas during the festive period.
The Snowman - . . . . festive tale . . . .
Jamie's Night Before Christmas - . . . . festive dishes . . . .
My Crazy Christmas Lights - . . . . festive lights . . . .
Rude Tube Christmas Cracker - . . . . 50 festive internet clips.
Through the Christmas Keyhole - Keith Lemon has a festive rummage . . . .
Christmas with the Double Acts - An hour of festive fun . . . .
Chas & Dave's Xmas Knees Up! - Festive entertainment from 1982.

Are you bored yet?  Most probably.

The spread of the word Festive during the 14 days of television throws up the following results:

The fifty instances of "Festive" show a clustering on Christmas Eve, when there was the most use of the word.  The other finding was a most definite recognition of each channel's level of festivity.  Channel 4 was by far the most festive, followed by ITV, then Channel 5.  The BBC has clearly lacked festiveness this year.

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13.12.15 X-Factor Final - Part 2: Sunday

Tunnels, Exchange Rates, Tears and Comedy

The nation's task was to decide on an X-Factor winner, from the remaining two acts - one of them a rather talented individual who, though disposed to giving rather formulaic renditions of popular songs, clearly has a future as a singer, and, the other act a farcical coupling that emits out-of-tune noise that has somehow managed not so much to light Cheryl's fire, but flamethrower her fucking bush!  Why she seems intent on adulating the two children's entertainers presented as Reggie 'N' Bollie I simply do no know.  Would the UK decide to go with the singer, Louisa Johnson. or the comedy act, and thus fuck up the last dribble of integrity that the show retains?

Lauren Murray  and  Rotherhithe Tunnel

This week, we have learned that Lauren Murray never wants to do another reality show, and it is a sad state of affairs that she had not come to this conclusion before she decided on entering X-Factor this year.  The headline of "Lauren slams Cheryl" was interesting until I realised this was not a report on a wrestling bout; a missed opportunity for real entertainment, I'd say!  I noticed, while reading this claptrap there was a link to yet more non-newsworthy stuff via the following:

Read more: Caroline Flack reveals that it’s a lot harder to be a woman on TV

Well, the solution is simple - get off the cunting telly!  The same really ought to be said of Wally Murs.  He is without doubt a nice guy, but that's clearly in no way a qualification to be given the job of co-hosting a show on television.  Aside from the weird version of English that he speaks, I am convinced the sparring between his two brain cells is affecting his ability to say anything that an ear might be remotely interested in receiving.

Polymers - chemical compounds that are made of small molecules that are arranged in simple repeating structures to form larger molecules [simple definition]

Olly Murs - a comical compound made up of tiny molecules, who simply repeats himself, with no structure, to form the output of a mule [simple]

Last night, Cheryl Fer-fuck-sake-Tweedy was introduced by voice-over man as "flawless", which just proves how misdirected ITV is.  Anyone who speaks that fucking slowly needs more than a nudge, although it does mean she gets less shit from her brain to her mouth to my ears.  The other actual flaw was Olly referring to Rod Stewart as "rock royalty".  Most-used word of the night was "amazing" (67), devaluing the word on all exchange markets.  The latest exchange rate actually puts one "amazing" as equal to 0.72 of a "cunt".


Tonight got underway with Olly claiming there was a contestant called Louisa Johnstone.  Good to see he'd done his research, even if elocution lessons are not yet booked.  I suppose I am being a tad unfair, and that this little slip was just the latest in a list of 142.  The recap of last night's performances reminded me why Wedgy 'N' Bollocks are the novelty act of the year.  The finalists then all lined up for a communal warble 'n' wail.  Downtown was served up as a warning to anyone silly enough to be considering seeing the X-Factor Tour.  It was worse than the finale of any primary school play.  I realised that fifteen minutes in, I'd wasted 15 minutes of my life - then it was time for a break.

J'abhor Dior

Coldplay arrived next.  It probably sounded better for those in the arena.  I can't say I thought it was up to much, other than slightly self indulgent.  As for the participation of gorillas, WTF?

CCTV introduced Budgie 'N' Goalie, who told us they would be singing a One Direction song.  So, things could get worse.  The vocals were fucking dire.

As ever, it was a 'mash-up' and so after an awful 90 seconds, the noise progress to them telling us that they liked to 'move it, move it for another minute. The cheering was insane, so I suspect there are many subversive people trying to destroy the show.  Time for another ad break.

Schwartzkopf Live Colour - Built-in Vibrancy Serum my arse!

Louisa told us it's a man's world again, and did so at 152 decibels for the most part.  I wish she'd picked something else.  Clearly better than R'N'B, of course. Simon told us she is seventeen.  Rita felt the need to tell us this as well.  Time for another break.

Rihanna: Anti World Tour - Well I won't be going to that!  I'll be at the Anti Rihanna Event.

One Dimension were on next, to sing to their fans, predominantly 6-to-13-year-olds.  It was pretty awful, and if this is supposed to be the best group in the world, then there are clearly too many 6-to-13-year-olds on the planet.  A second song was for some reason required, and 'History' was ironically the choice, ahead of their break from performing.  I wonder if history is what they'll be.  It mainly depends on what happens regarding the disclosures on certain matters of sexuality, I reckon.  Time for a break.

That man on the moon is annoying as hell; nearly as annoying as John Lewis suggesting to kids everywhere that the moon is that fucking close.

Olly welcomed us back and managed to refer to "Louisa Donson".  First up with the winners single were the two lads, who proved beyond any fucking doubt that they can sing for toffee.  I absolutely pissed myself through the whole cunting racket.  If they were auditioning at the outset with this crap, they'd be ejected by security.  COMEDY GOLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Lovely people without question, but is that enough to win a national competition like this?

Louisa managed to sing it without defaulting to comedy version.  All rather predictable, and I certainly won't be buying it, though.  Who rights these formulaic songs to be dolled out by a generic winner, and a troupe of backing singers?  The song is boring tripe.

I have just discussed with Mrs MWSC who is going to win, and neither of us give a toss.  I rightly blame Cheryl for so much, and she should be ejected. Another break.

Bleu de Chanel - no thanks.

Adele decided to torture me with 'Hello'.  I am already fed up of this song; it is everywhere.  The vote closed, and we were herded towards yet another break.

"When heavy cold or flu strikes, try Day & Night Nurse."  No.

The votes, counted and verified, were in.  "The winner of X-Facta two faaaarsand and fifteen is . . . . . . . .  Louisa Johnson"

Tears flowed, Rita wailed like a market trader on speed, and CCTFV annoyed. The competition came to an end, and the hype that was relentless would be subsiding at last.  The future of X-Factor looks grim, though.  I reckon Dermot O'Leary knew something.

Banksy's Latest Effort

Sadly for us all, there is going to be a final series next year.  Despite X-Factor being on its arse, and apathy reigning over voter-land, there will be one more deluded effort to squeeze the puss out of the UK's youth, and find a singer to head the boil.

...

12.12.15 X-Factor Final - Part One: Saturday

Did you know that the name 'Valerie' has seventeen syllables?  Neither did I. Apparently, though, that's exactly the required level of pronunciation according to Che Chesterman.  The first song of the evening was a rather limp warbling marathon, while every man and his hot dog was wiggling on stage as part of the backing troupe.  The performance overall was not quite good enough.

Reggie 'N' Bollox were next up, and I shuddered at the thought.  While I shuddered, I saw on the VT that two girls aged thirteen or so were screaming like mad ahead of a performance in Newcastle.  Poor delinquents.  When it came to them (allegedly) singing, the pair of them made Louis Walsh's Wagner sound like Andrea Bocelli.  "That was a bit cruise ship for me," said Rita. Shame they aren't on one, in the Pacific.

Louisa believed she could fly, and told us this many times in a rather boring effort, backed up by so many singers on stage.  In fact the number of backing singers was the same as the syllables in Che singing 'Valerie' four times.  The crowd cheered, though not as loudly as when Budgie 'N' Bollox finished. Cheryl Tweedy felt the need to tell us Louisa is seventeen years old.  Simon Cowell called her an angel, and then reconfirmed to us that Louisa is seventeen years old.

There was a break from the singing next.  The interruption to any form of entertainment came from Ben Haenow, proving that total mediocrity can triumph on X-Factor.  Fortunately we had Leona Lewis joining in.  Even then, though, the twosome made a combined racket that I could have done without. Ben, you were super . . . . superfluous, that is!

Then it was Flack's turn to talk shit.

Fracking is the process of drilling down into the earth before a high-pressure water mixture is directed at the rock to release gas inside.  Water, sand and chemicals are injected into the rock, allowing the gas to flow to the head of the well.

Flacking is the process of drilling into people's heads with a high-pressure mixture of bollocks and waffle, until you're driven to want to gas her. Annoyance is injected, and the desire for silence wells up until you are about to explode.

Che was then brought out for his second attempt at winning our votes.  The slightly more sedate delivery was welcome, although when he introduced Rod Stewart, I went to the loo, knowing I'd heard it all before.

Next up, Veggie 'N' Wally, and a complete fucking racket.  I'd no idea who the other bloke was who joined in half way through, but he wasn't much better.  As a trio, it was a joke.  Then I discovered it was Craig David, and wondered what his motivation was for associating himself with this auditory assault.

Louisa was then on stage and joined by Rita.  Of the two, I'd say that Louisa was the better!

Then there was a complete fuck-up by ITV.  This resulted in there being no recap, so, hardly any loss, eh?  Flack fracked her way to introducing Fleur East and Little Mix, who mashed something up on stage.  After that, we had the five minute warning.

It turned out that the warning was for the second worse act of the night. Obviously Dodgie 'N' Collie were the worst, but Rod Stewart pushed them hard for the honour.  Flack sucked up to him, with the usual chit-chat at the end of his noise.

Ten minutes after Olly's five-minute warning, he was back with Flack to introduce back on stage the three acts and the judges.

RESULT: Louisa was first to be named safe, followed by R'N'B.  This left Che in third place.  Who the fuck is voting for Stodgie 'N' Rollie?

...

7.12.15 For One Light Only

Last night, I noticed while driving for just five minutes, five cars that had only one headlight working.  As an experiment, on the way to work this morning, I counted the cars I saw with just one headlight working, and was absolutely amazed to count them over a 66-minute period.  55!  This is absolutely criminal. On the return, I counted 40.

These figures exclude all the cars with one headlight working, but pointing in the wrong direction.

Once upon a time, drivers felt obliged to give a shit, and in turn, the police were interested in maintaining standards on the road.  These days, no fucker seems to worry about driving a defective car at night, and the police are too busy trying to catch those speeding at the expense of all other levels of input.

The only benefit of this phenomenon is that counting defective headlights at least relieves the boredom of a testing journey.

...

6.12.15 X-Factor: Semi-Final Result

Cheryl Cole-Tweedy

The judges took to the stage, and Cheryl Fandango Verruca was dressed in yellow, in a totally impractical dress.  On her right shoulder, I noticed something odd, and Mrs MWSC simultaneously made mention of the same.  I suggested it looked like a dead armadillo, while Mrs MWSC settled on a tumour!

The communal song got under way, with Louisa sounding great.  Che was next to start singing, and was fine.  Then the wailing Lauren grated my brain.  What was left of my brain was then exposed to Budgie 'N' Bollox, who had no business being on stage.

Flack was flanked by her shadow, Olly Murs.  Jason Derulo was introduced with more hype than I've ever seen for a performer.  I then endured some sort of generic noise that was supported on stage by a running advert for everything and anything in red and black.  Whoever kicked Jason in the nuts just before he came on was accurate as fuck, leading to a high-pitched whine in his range of squeaks.

"Be an individual," said Jason, after his performance of a generic, unimaginative, cliche song.  After more adverts, we finally got to a performance from Sia, someone who is most certainly individual and interesting.  Yet more adverts followed, and I think we are all now supposed to have forgotten completely about TalkTalk managing to lose millions of records to computer hackers.

Flack announced that over three million votes have been recorded.  That's pitiful, considering anyone with the App will be able to vote five times for nothing, instead of paying via mobiles.  In essence, there are likely to be no more than half a million people in the UK who give a shit.

Into the final =

Veggie 'N' Bollox 
Louisa Johnson

I have no idea on the exact maths, but clearly there are about 200,000 nutters in the UK, whose hearing is defectrive, leading to VFRNBS.  This serious and debilitating disease does not unfortunately lead to inactivity, but a ludicrous growing desire during November and December to vote irresponsibly.  I blame ITV for not reminding viewers about possible help from the Samaritans, and via voteaware.co.uk, which supports the 'Vote Responsibly' mantra.

* VFRNBS = Vote For Reggie N Bollie Syndrome

This left Che to fend off Lauren Murray in the head to head.  "She's intoxicating," said Rita when introducing Lauren.  No, Rita, infuriating.  Lauren shouted and wailed, off key here and there, and confirmed her mouth is as wide as a goalmouth.  The performance was simply dreadful.  She bobbed up and down while shouting her tits of.  Che came on and sang a Simon and Garfunkel song that meant my ears could rest a bit after the assault by Lauren.  Despite his warbling and extended syllables, it was still better than Lauren's racket by a mile.

Cole sent Lauren home, leaving Simon to confirm Lauren's exit, or send it to deadlock.  The stupid twat milked it, and then bottled it by "letting the public decide".  WANKER, COWELL!

Lauren received the fewest votes from the public, so was rightly ejected. Meanwhile, Cowell was allowed to escape responsibility for not making a decision and being a wimp.  She fanked her mentor REET-aaah.

...

5.12.15 X-Factor: Semi-Final

Well, here again for another desperate portion of shite from most of the singers left in the competition.  It is a blessing that this series is to be the last one, after ITV bought the rights to The Voice.  I hope there is no attempt to squeeze in another run before the switch in schedules.

I despair at the quality of the show, seeing as the vocal quality is questionable. When did the standards drop?  Why were we not informed of the changes?   This week, we had input from Lionel Richie looking like a weird version of the chap who sang "Hello" in 1983, coincidentally called Lionel Richie as well.

ROUND ONE

Veggie 'N' Bollox

The show got off to an abysmal start, with the two nice chaps providing a serving of complete and utter crap.  There was not even any of that pathetic component that apparently makes anything shit okay - 'fun'.  Instead, we endured an awful noise.  Get real, UK!  NO ONE will buy their fucking album.  - 4/5  [That's MINUS FOUR]

Lauren Not Mint

Lauren Murray was horrendous.  "She looks like a mattress stuffed in a pillowcase," said Mrs MWSC and I had to agree.  More annoying, though, was the wailing that she was providing, which was complemented only by the howling gales that I could hear outside, as 'Desmond' (the name of this storm) did his stuff.  Some duff notes added minor variety to the racket.  0.5/5

Che Chesterman

The annoying pitch of this song (Would I Lie To You?) meant that I was turned off within seconds.  Yes, he has a talent, and a voice that can on occasion be superb.  However, when he sings at the high pitch and decides to outdo Lauren with the wailing, I actually think her deeper voice is more bearable - comparatively of course.  "You can sing anything you want," said Rita Bore-us-to-death.  I wish, therefore, that he had sung something else.  2.5/5

Louisa Johnson

Well, that showed the others, eh?  The performance was super and put the previous acts to shame.  No contest.  4.5/5


ROUND TWO

Che Chesterman

This effort was rather better than the first song, and I liked it.  The word 'iconic' was used by Tweedy, and then Cowell.  Cowell said it was 'ordinary'.  "How do you feel after them comments," said Olly, abusing the English language.  4/5

Louisa Johnson

It's a Man's World - I shuddered when I heard the song title, and then got annoyed when Louisa said "I'm interpreting this as girl power".  WTF?  Still, she is good, and it survived, by the skin of it's fucking teeth.  Too much wailing, though.  "You blew me away; how many times are you going to do this to me?" asked Rita.  "Until you fucking don't come back," said I, from my sofa.  2.5/5

Lauren Murray

"Running", she sang.  I puzzled at her lack of horizontal movement, and tried to work out what the squatting was all about while she finished on a couple of bum notes.  Cheryl talked shit.  Cowell talked shit.  Rita talked real shit, with a riddling of cliches.  1.5/5

Budgie 'N' Dolly

A "mash up" is for when doing one song properly is beyond the capabilities of a performer.  Fandango-Vagina thus opted for a mash-up for them.  The dodgy vocals persisted, along with some shouting.  I rushed to pre-order my copy of their album.  No - I cuntin' didn't!  The second half of the performance confirmed they liked to "move it, move it" and it was less annoying than usual.  The first song was so bad that it was impossible for them to get back the lost points and get positive.  2/5


TOTALS

Louisa 7.5
Che 6.5
Lauren 2.0
R & B Minus 2.0

...