A weird music and dance performance got us underway. There were violins, some jiggling bodies, and lights. I have no idea what was trying to be achieved, and have no idea what I thought about it. It was as interesting as jam on a spoon.
The three goons came on to the stage, and we were set for another strange evening. The combined voices of the three twats welcomed "Europe" again, and as I said on Tuesday, this is NOT a contest for Europe, but for countries in the zone that receives certain broadcasts; Eurovision is all about satellites and broadcasting zones.
Malta started us off. After hundreds of thousands of migrating birds have been slaughtered by guns trained on them by people in Malta for the 19-day season (Armageddon) from April 12th to 30th, the Maltese had the nerve to attempt to entertain through singing. It was not a success.
Israel - There is no better proof that Eurovision does not mean Europe than the participation of Israel. I can confirm that the three women needn't have bothered turning up, as the wailing was not tuneful or kind on the ears.
Norway managed, with its performance of 'Silent Storm', to introduce some peace and quiet to the arena, with a quieter song that was inoffensive, though rather pointless.
Georgia gave us a singing (wailing) drummer, and a disjointed racket of a 'song' which was simply a fucking mess. His singing, along with the harmonies from other attendees, was flatter than a steamrollered bollock, and the woman who thought she was a lispless Toyah Wilcox was truly dire; why she got the gig is a complete mythtery. "Three minutes I'm not gonna get back" from the super Laura Whitmore summed up the situation perfectly.
Poland gave us "We Are Slavic", and I think there was a typo - 'Slavic' should have been 'Shit'. The bird who'd being given responsibility for the microphone was irresponsibly using it to create an assault on my ears, evening, life and existence. The three women behind her were equally guilty because they kept joining in with shit.
Austria gave us its queen, Conchita Wurst, and she gave us her worst. I say "she", but a bloke in drag is still a bloke - until a proper sex-change. Anyway, the performance was not too bad actually. Not quite Celine Dion, s/he did manage to hold a decent note and warble about a phoenix from the ashes, and other tosh in a reasonably tuneful way. Whilst comparisons with Dana International are possible, Dana International was transgender and lost the appendage in 1993. Conchita still has a fucking beard!
Lithuania attacked me via the bloke and woman in black, neither of whom had a voice useful for any more than abusing a deaf earwig. It was shockingly awful; dire!
Finland sang "Something Better", and somehow it was, because so far, with the exception of Austria, everything had been shit. Well done Finland, as it sounded not too bad.
Ireland was built up massively by Whitmore, and we were 'treated' to a woman singing, while two blokes skipped around in dresses. There was a violin, of course, and a typically Irish sound to it, with a strong beat. The singing was a bit dodgy in places, but pretty good overall.
Belarus decided that it was appropriate to call a song "Cheesecake" and this was not a good start. When the five chaps started exercising their vocal cords, they did so without any complement to the chords being played by invisible musicians. I hate cheesecake, and I have discovered I hate songs about cheesecake as well. They all wailed out of tune and talked shit/cheese/cake.
The Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia was not too bad; there were a few unusual notes, but overall quite interesting. No idea why there was a bod wearing white, prancing round on stage.
Switzerland gave us banjos, a violin, whistling, flat singing and waistcoats. Half way through I realised the lead singer was singing in English, but nothing being said was of any interest at all. The music was good, and so an instrumental version would have been so much better.
Greece gave us an onslaught of crap with "Rise Up" and it is indisputable that none of the three could sing a fucking note. If I ever hear this again I will vow never to visit Greece again.
Slovenia provided us with a song called "Round and Round", from a woman in blue, and her flute. The three backing singers wore black, and joined in here and there, with the "round and round" chant. Another woman with a forced, abrasive voice rather than one that delights or entertains.
Romania gave us "Miracle", but sadly not a miracle. Instead, a noisy beat accompanied by a bloke and a woman who would have been better sticking to their own language, as little was pronounced properly. I suppose it's a miracle that they ever got the Romanian nomination to compete.
These fifteen performances were of a lower standard than the sixteen on Tuesday. Tonight was a night for instrumental versions of nearly all the above. Such a move would have improved (marginally) almost every entry. While votes were being logged, we were entreated to allow Australia to be part of Eurovision. Considering how barmy the whole thing is, I see no reason why Australia couldn't be deemed eligible. This view was reinforced massively when after the dancing, a woman dressed in gold came on to the stage, and made a cunt of a fucking racket. She could no more sing than I can fucking pole vault, and so she is perfectly qualified to participate officially next year. Jessica somebody-or-other is apparently (as advised by Whitmore) very successful in Australia. I can only assume there are some deaf wallabies that need entertainment, outback somewhere.
One of the Goons suggested I might need help making my minds up who was my favourite. His suggestion was wide of the mark, but I still had to listen to a recap of the whole fucking shit. The tragedy tonight is that ten of these acts will go through, and five will be on an Easyjet flight in the morning. It should really be the other way round. Austria, Finland, Ireland and FYR Macedonia were the top four, and I'm really struggling for a fifth. We then had some dancing which was quite interesting, and didn't involve anyone trying to impress with their voice!
With the voting closed, and after more padding than a Mr Blobby suit, we discovered the counting had taken a bit too long - the judges were not ready. Sadly this led to yet another cunting recap of shit. A polished turd is still a turd, even after multiple polishes - especially the Polish turd. The Lithuanian one was no better. The preview of the six automatically in the final revealed that there is a chasm between the best and worst in this competition. It was notable that the Danish entry this year is very likely to win. "We have a valid result," said the judge.
The ten put through were:
Switzerland
Slovenia (WTF?)
Poland (What the fucking fucking cunting fuck?)
Romania (WTF?)
Norway
Greece (What the fucking fuck?)
Malta
Belarus (What the fucking cuntin fuck?
Finland
Austria
The fact that so much shit has been shovelled tonight is pathetic. Then we had to listen to the ten who got through on a re-re-re-recap.
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