10.5.14 Eurvosion Grand Final 2014

Prologue

The final is being contested this year by 26 countries.  The "big five" were automatically eligible to be in the final, along with Denmark, the winners last year.  What is a shame is the fact that the two semi-finals resulted in the 31 other countries being reduced to 20.  I cannot use the term "whittled down" because it seems mad to me that on Tuesday, only six didn't make it and on Thursday only five were sent home.  I firmly believe that it should have been the other way round, not least because of the dreadful rackets produced by so many countries, and that would have produced a more manageable and more appropriate 16 countries from which to choose a winner.  Instead, we are saddled with numerous also-ran acts and quite frankly, dead wood.

• Armenia
• Austria
• Azerbaijan
• Belarus
• Denmark
• Finland
• France
• Germany
• Greece

• Hungary
• Iceland
• Italy
• Malta
• Montenegro
• Norway
• Poland
• Romania
• Russia

• San Marino
• Slovenia
• Spain
• Sweden
• Switzerland
• The Netherlands
• Ukraine
• United Kingdom

The semi finals have of course allowed me to assess the lack of talent that proliferates in Copenhagen, and there were some awful voting outcomes that saw some 'reasonably good' acts ejected, while some howlers (literally) went through!  It is the case that 'reasonably good' is an aspiration for most countries, as we all know that in reality, 92.7% of everything associated with the competition is completely crap in commercial terms, and so in most cases "pleasant enough" is the best verdict that can be hoped for.  I will be typing as I go, reviewing on a song-by-song basis.

I have decided that I will award, alongside my comments, a colour score, according to the following key:

    Good - by Eurovision standards  [Star = better]
    Worthy / Acceptable
    Weak / Limp - even for Eurovision !
    Fucking Dreadful


The Final - Saturday 10th May 2014

"Europe, are you ready?" said the announcer, ignoring the fact that there are countries outside of Europe which are included in the Eurovision Song Contest.


1    Ukraine - Tick-Tock (Mariya Yaremchuk)      

Pretty catchy, and almost a 'green' grade.  I just feel that the song was particularly limited, repetitive and did not allow Mariya to give the best of herself.  The bloke in the 'hamster wheel' was an unnecessary distraction, and I've no idea how that had any relevance at all.  Obviously he's not needed in eastern Ukraine to fight off the Russians, who've recently invited themselves to take over, in case you've not heard.


2    Belarus - Cheesecake (Teo)      

An instrumental version would have been so very much better.  Singing about cheesecake is simply twattish, and means this 'song' deserves never to be heard again.  Seeing as they can't sing, the subject of the song is pathetic, and the oom-pah-pah noise sounded like a barrel organ playing forever in a Duracell advert, it got a RED grade from me.


3    Azerbaijan - Start a Fire (Dilara Kazimova)  *  * 

This was original, and interesting.  After the first two dollops of pointless noise, this was a welcome change of direction.  I liked this.


4    Iceland - No Prejudice (Pollaponk)      

I am convinced they stole tune from the J Geils Band (Centrefold) and messed about with it, sandiwched it between some bollocks, and chanted it at us.  Na, Na, na na na naaa.  Then I suddenly recalled S Club Seven, and "Bring It All Back To You".  No wonder this crap was catchy - it's lifted loads!


5    Norway - Silent Storm (Carl Espen)      

I didn't so much like it, as want to slit my wrists to it.  The sincere performance introduced a bit to much gloom into my life (as if I haven't enough) and thus the merits of Carl were wasted a bit.  Still, there is a lot worse in the competition.


6    Romania - Miracle (Paula Seling & OVI)      

The only merit this song has is for those who want to indulge in moving on a dance floor at 3am, while plastered to fuck.  She didn't pronounce a word properly, and it was a miracle that this formulaic synthesizer shit was deemed any more valuable than a metronome.


7    Armenia - Not Alone (Aram MPS)      

This fairly slow song brought me down from the acid-trip that was Romania's effort, and the 'grounding' was useful, as I poured another drink to the rumbling piano.


8    Montenegro - Moj Svijet (Sergej Cetkovic)      

This was a bit too dreary, and whilst it was attempting to be a solid effort, it failed.  The fact that he smiled a lot was not grounds for joy.  His impression of Chris 'Finchy' Finch from The Office did not get him extra kudos.


9    Poland - My Slowianie / We Are Slavic (Donatan & Cleo)      

Unsurprisingly, this has not improved in any way since the semi-final performance, and how the fuck it got to the final I've no idea.  Offensive to my ears. and the onslaught of this racket while a woman practised her "milking" technique.  The fact that a horny woman can rub-a-dub-dub, and fondle a pole (wooden pole, not Pole . . . although, actually . . . ) while her four mates in the background squeal and shout is not worth a good score . . . in a song contest. If the judging were on any other basis, I am sure this would have done rather well.


10  Greece - Rise Up (Freaky Fortune ft. RiskyKidd)      

Horrendous funeral music, followed by pretentious rapping/shouting.  "Rise Up" they said!  "Bury this cunt of a song!" I say.  (By the way, the rip-off of the 'Americano' tune means there even more reason for this Greek tragedy to be wiped from the memories of all viewers.  If This shit won, who'd pay for next year's competition?)


11  Austria - Rise Like a Phoenix (Conchita Wurst) *  * 

Tom is in the vein of Shirley Bassey, and does rather well in providing us with a strong James Bond theme tune.  This has to do well.


12  Germany - Is It Right? (Elaiza)      

With such an affected voice, I simply could not enjoy this warbling annoyance. I think someone should have told her to sing without a verbal version of Parkinson's Disease.  It was simply messy, strained, self indulgent and weak. You're NOT 'Pink', luv, but my score for you IS.  In answer to your question - "No, it's not right."


13  Sweden - Undo (Sanna Nielsen) *  * 

That was good, and is one of the favourites to win.  It is most definitely a rip-off of something, but I can't think of the song.  I expect this to be in the running to win.


14  France - Moustache (TWIN TWIN)      

After the song about cheesecake, I didn't think there could be anything worse . . . then this shit came along.  The lead singer couldn't sing, and I view that as a drawback in a singing competition.  The pathetic antics on stage served to add insult to fucking French-induced quadriplegia.  ["Injury" just didn't cut it.]


15  Russia - Shine (Tolmachevy Sisters)      

These two simpering twins on a seesaw managed to spout some naff, run-of-the-mill message about shining, though no mention of occupying Crimea (?) in the performance.  I think they leave that to Putin and the boys.  Fit women is not the basis for voting/judging - sadly for them.  I can't put my finger on which song has been sampled for this entry.


16  Italy - La Mia Citta (Emma)      

Fairly reasonable all round, with a 'pop' feel that confirms it was worthy enough for automatic entry to the final.  However, having said that, Emma was nervous at the start, and a bit severe looking.  The live performance affected her voice a bit; it was a bit flat, and in a lot of places, not tuneful at all.  I think she just got away with it because we were carried along by the band.  I've given the benefit of the doubt here.


17  Slovenia - Round and Round (Tinkara Kova)      

After the few seconds of a flute introduction, the singing got underway.  Too much "Whooaa" giving, and it was this lack of singing that was its downfall.  I would have been happier if it had ended after the flute, but it went on, and round, and round, and round again.


18  Finland - Something Better (Softengine)      

This was interesting, a bit quirky, and sounded pretty decent!  The only problem with this song is that whilst it's got a reasonable sound while it's being performed, I forgot it completely within a minute.  That suggests it is not going to be remembered by people voting, even though it's a happy noise.


19  Spain - Dancing in the Rain (Ruth Lorenzo)      

The X-Factor's Ruth managed to give a solid performance, even if the song felt a bit 'safe'.  Still, I think overall it managed to entertain quite well.  By the way, who's Lorraine?


20  Switzerland - Hunter of Stars (Sebalter)      

The Swiss (who are not in Europe, of course) provided us with some upbeat folk music, with a special contribution by Percy Thrower (whistling).  Sadly the bloke couldn't sing for toffee or emmental.  I have decided to be very generous because the music was quite enjoyable, and this saved it from a    .


21  Hungary - Running (Andras Kallay) *  * 

Quite a different approach, slow-fast-slow; inventive.  I expect this to do well, deservedly.


22  Malta - Coming Home (Firelight)      

I wonder if the inspiration for the song title came from the shooting of many thousands of birds?  Every April the Maltese sanction the killing of migrating birds - the ones "Coming Home".  With so many not making it, I suggest that this song deserves not to make it.  It's a shame that it's not too bad.


23  Denmark - Cliche Love Song (Basim)      

Certainly a cliche pop song, with a slightly whining voice, a touch too high pitched.  Still, inoffensive, and most surely catchy enough to get lots of marks - especially as Denmark is hosting the competition.  Unfortunately the cliche element is actually its downfall.  It will do well, though; teenage girls will like him, no doubt.


24  The Netherlands - Calm After the Storm (The Common Linnets) *  * 

I like this one; simply, tuneful, relaxed, and different from every other entry. Well done The Netherlands, for having the guts to go with something that stands out, and has a touch of quality!  A proper song!  My favourite.


25  San Marino - Maybe [Forse] (Valentina Monetta)      

This is the woman who thinks she's Julie Covington singing "Don't Cry For Me Argentina".  Then it switched to a Shirley Bassey 'James Bond' piece.  As I posted on Tuesday, we also had a bit of "The Day Before You Came" by Abba.


26  United Kingdom - Children of the Universe (Molly)      

A bit repetitive, but then most songs are.  Better than most years, by a mile.  I wonder if being last to sing will be mirrored by the position after the voting (?) and whether the rest of the countries will deny the UK any votes (while in rather too many cases taking advantage of the NHS etc.).  The UK suffers for political reasons in this competition, and so I have no doubt this good effort will not get the proper recognition.  It is a typical Eurovision-style song.  "Molly is better than Katrina & The Waves, and they won!" said Mrs MWSC.


The Danish rewarded Graham Norton with recognition, and some confetti sprayed into his cubicle (not a euphemism).  It was like the Crystal Maze. Then there was a spray of streamers in the arena, and Graham said: "It's like the gay wedding I'll never have."

So, it was time for the lengthy recap, while I reviewed the 26 performances - to find that only five scored a GREEN STAR from me; just five out of twenty-six. With another five getting GREEN, that means 9/26 were good, and a "shit percentage" of 65%.

Then some blokes on ladders confused the fuck out of me.  Singing a song straight from a 1970s school play, some people in white garb garbled garbage. The three Goons (presenters) followed this weirdness with their own portion, singing about 12 being a mind-blowing number.  If it's such a wonderful number, why has the imperial system been replaced by the metric system?  This song challenged for the "shit-of-the-night" award.  What the fuck has China got to do with this?  The lyrics made mention so many times, and made as little sense as Australia being the focus of the performance/padding on one of the semi-finals.  Denmark, you fucked that bit up.

"Go and shoot a bird," I shouted at the screen when an 11-year-old Maltese girl appeared on stage - apparently the winner of Junior Eurovision.  Then, when she wailed like a cunting peahen, I called for someone to shoot her!  What a complete racket.  I was pleased to get another recap of the 26 acts instead of the pathetic goings on served by the three Goons.  Then one of them surprised me with some amusement and history.  Sadly, we had to return to the auditorium and listen to the awful voice of the woman host, talking to performers and annoying the hell out of me.  Thank God for Emmelie de Forest, as her performance of last year's winning song brought a halt to the awful input from the Goons, especially the one with an obsession for all things Chinese.


The Results

• Azerbaijan gives 10 points to Ukraine and 12 points to Russia.  Disgraceful.
• Greece gives Russia 10 points.
• Poland gives 8 points to Germany (?) and this defies any logic.
• Albania gives 12 points to Spain - well done Albania.
• San Marino gives 5 points to the UK, to get us going.  12 points to Azerbaijan - well done.
• Denmark gives 12 points to Sweden - what a surprise - hmmm.
• Montenegro gives 8 to Slovenia, 10 to Armenia, and 12 to Hungary.
• Romania gives 8 to Austria, 10 to neighbours Hungary 
• Russia - Boos ring out, quite rightly.  10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Belarus  CUNTS.
• The Netherlands gives Austria the 12 points; well done.
• Malta - a bird (who hadn't been shot) called Vanessa confirmed the 12 points for Italy.
• France provided a woman with a mustache (around her neck) to give 12 to Armenia.
• United Kingdom - 10 points for Malta (WTF?) and 12 to Austria; well done.
• Latvia - a bloke in baggy clothes gave 12 points to The Netherlands - well done
• Armenia - Belarus 8, Russia 10, Montenegro 12.  Not political, then.
• Iceland - Denmark 8 points, of course.  Netherlands 12 points!
• Macedonia - Hungary 10 points and 12 to Montenegro.
• Sweden rewards Denmark with 8 points, 10 for The Netherlands and Austria 12.
• Belarus gives a pathetic 8,10,12 to Ukraine, Armenia, Russia.  Yawn.
• Germany gives Poland 10 points for some weird reason; 12 to The Netherlands!
• Israel gives its 12 points to Austria.
• Portugal gives 8 points to Sweden, with 10 to The Netherlands, 12 to Austria.
• Norway: 8 to Sweden, 10 to Austria, 12 to The Netherlands!
• Estonia gives 8 to Ukraine, 10 to Sweden but 12 to The Netherlands.
• Hungary - Austria 10 points, The Netherlands 12 points.
• Moldova - 8 for Russia (and boos) with 10 for Ukraine.  Romania 12 points - WTF?
• Ireland gave us Mickey, who relayed 8 points for the UK, 10 to The Netherlands, 12 to Austria.
• Finland - a twat representing and trying to rap? "That wasn't embarrassing at all - well done," said Graham.  Netherlands 8, Sweden 10, Austria 12
• Lithuania - Norway 8, Austria 10, and  12 to Austria.
• Austria, and a bearded woman confirms 10 for The Netherlands.
• Spain gives 8 to Romania (?) 10 to Sweden and Austria gets the 12 points.
• Belgium gives only 8 to The Netherlands.  Sweden gets 10 and Austria get 12 points.
• Italy gives Poland 8 points (why?) with Ukraine getting 10.  Austria again for the 12.
• Ukraine - no tanks in the background, or Russian troops.  Austria gets 8, and Armenia gets the 10.  Sweden turns up with 12 points.
• The Goons announce Conchita is the winner, as he cannot be caught.
• Switzerland - The Netherlands 10, Austria 12
• Georgia - Russia 8 points and lots of boos.  Austria 10 and 12 for Armenia.  Yawn.
• Slovenia - 10 for The Netherlands and 12 for Austria, its neighbour.

1st Austria

2nd The Netherlands

3rd Sweden

Well, the top three were in my top five. Cochita Wurst was a worthy winner - congratulations - he deserved it.  (Sorry, a man with a beard and a dick in a dress is a 'he' so I do need to refer to Tom as 'he', however nice he is, and talented of course.)  My own result would have reversed the order of Austria and The Netherlands.  I suspect the 'beard' thing tipped the balance, and was enough for him to have the edge on The Netherlands.

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