This first show opened with last year's effort, Teardrops, which led to the arrival of the best part of Europe (and a whole load outside Europe) in Denmark. On this particular point, I will have to avoid massive repetition of my gripes in recent years, and the inclusion of countries which should not be in the competition at all.
Confusion was introduced by the trio of comperes, who bellowed "Hello Europe" and completely missed the point that "Eurovision" is NOT synonymous with "Europe",. Twats, but what can one expect from this who fiasco.
Armenia made a noise to get us going. It served to give me a benchmark for the show, and set my standards low enough that someone was bound to be better. It was mediocre. For some reason Latvia thought we might need to hear a song about baking a cake! The "Bake That Cake" rubbish was like something one might hear on a children's TV programme - the Rainbow team could have delivered this noise, and would have sounded less flat. When the main singer shouted "Come on" to the crowd, I considered he'd well and truly lost the plot.
Estonia gave us a song called 'Amazing', but it was unsurprisingly a long way short of amazing. I would have called the song "Drab". Sanna from Sweden followed this, with "Undo", a ballad that was very formulaic. Still, she could definitely sing, and in a singing competition, that's a bonus. I'd like to say it was essential, but in this madcap environment, that's a fucking luxury.
Iceland sang about "No Prejudice", while dressed as Showaddywaddy. Sadly (and I do actually mean this) they did not sing as well as Showaddywaddy! They were rather dire. Albania surprised me with a very unusual song, and probably a risky one considering what the voters like. Nevertheless, there was something of Evanescence in this performance by the woman with a tattoo of the Albanian flag on her back. This was strangely rather good.
Russia took a break from invading Ukraine, to send twins to the stage. The two women provided a typically weird effort; not so much the singing, but the entwined hair, plastic poles and a fucking seesaw. Azerbaijan (obviously not in Europe) turned up with "Start a Fire", and again, I was pleasantly surprised by the woman who sang - slightly less so by the woman on the trapeze.
Ukraine dodged some bullets and avoided some hooded thugs with batons, to let a woman turn up with her human hamster. She sang "Tick-Tock" while he literally ran inside a large wheel. This song was vacuous in terms of lyrics, and so repetitive. I do know that the YouTube version comes across a whole lot better. Belgium lost all sense of reason and sense, sending to the stage a bloke who reminded me of the Fat Controller, wailing in vain at his engines. He was in fact singing a song called "Mother", and it was a revelation. Complete shit, and I think he really ought to get mother to tuck him up in bed with a sedative getting to grips with his body, and most particularly his mouth.
Moldova then took over the stage, and re-enacted a Game of Thrones scene. The scary woman was horrendous, shouting, demanding and scaring. "Mercy", she sang/shouted, and I echoed the fucking sentiment. Called "Wild Soul", the noise was threatening and awful. San Marino arrived in the shape of a lovely woman who sang a song called "Maybe". This was her third time trying to get through, although there can be no doubt that the song had stolen some sounds from "Don't Cry For Me Argentina", and I caught a snippet of "The Day Before You Came", by Abba. Still, maybe Maybe will manage.
Portugal rustled up "Quero Ser Tua", which was quite frankly poor; there's little more I can say. Then came The Netherlands, with a risky, quirky, slower song that was super. The beat started and made me think of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police, but the singing was almost Country. Very good.
Montenegro gave us a chap singing in his own language; "Moi Svijet" came through my speakers and I was none the wiser, so I concentrated on the skater who was gliding across the stage. Can't really comment on the song, as it just didn't register as worth listening to, however nice I suspect the bloke is. Finally Hungary surpassed itself with a modern song that had a decent speedy beat as it went on.
The ten through to the final, announced randomly (and fucking slowly), were:
Montenegro
Hungary
Russia
Armenia
Azerbaijan
San Marino
Ukraine
Sweden
The Netherlands
Iceland / Showaddywaddy
We had a "Goodnight, Europe" from the Goons, and so they ignored all those watching who are NOT in Europe. Roll on Thursday, for the same again.
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