In the style of Michael Portillo and his references to his Bradshaw's guide on Great British Railway Journeys, I find myself referring to my Daily Mail TV Guide while reviewing the offerings this week. There is not too much of note or interest this week, but I do need to mention just a few things.
ITV has proved itself to be lazy as fuck; after a recent nauseating run of Harry Potter films that mercifully ended a few months ago, Saturday afternoon saw the pointless and unnecessary reappearance of HP and the Chamber of Secrets. Disgraceful milking of a film, shown immediately after Never Say Never Again, the James Bond film that you may have seen 39 times before. Then, on Sunday afternoon, as if withdrawal symptoms would threaten mankind, ITV served up A View To A Kill, with the dire waling of Duran Duran in the background. Monday at 3pm sees HP and the Cuntin Prisoner of Azkaban resurface.
Cookery dominates the schedules as ever, and the BBC loves to ram down our throats (repeatedly - and I mean that literally) anything it can if there's a food theme. So we get served Mary Fucking Berry and Paul Hollywood in The Great British Bake Off Easter Masterclass , which, seeing as it's a repeat, must be from last year?
Mary Berry
On BBC2 on Monday, there's an outrageous piss-take with an hour of The Great British Bake Off Revisted. Later on, just before Restaurant Wars, we get another portion of the Great British Menu. It gets worse on Tuesday, when BBC1 shows Spring Kitchen with Tom Kerridge, and my Daily Mail Guide tells me that: "The chef prepares a range of springtime dishes as he celebrates the best of the season's ingredients." What bollocks, and as if I needed telling that! Over on BBC2, after Great British Menu, we have our patience tested by the irritating Fern Britton, in The Big Allotment Challenge. I suppose we must be grateful in one single respect only - the name of the programme contains "Big" rather than "Great". Fern (the one who advocates a staple diet of stomach shrinkage while denying any surgical procedure) is looking marginally smaller than when she used to fill a sofa, and is touting her crappy competition that will test a few herberts from the gardening world who are keen to go before unheard of judges, to listen to criticism and sob. This week a challenge is, according to the Daily Mail: "To present Jim Buttress [me neither] with six perfectly matching, snappily crisp, blemish-free runner beans that must also be as straight as possible." Laughable entertainment.
On Wednesday, with only Great British Menu, Spring Kitchen with Tom Kerridge ["The chef prepares a range of springtime dishes as he celebrates the best of the season's food."] and a repeated edition of The Great British Bake Off Masterclass, BBC1 decides to top up the cookery shit with Masterchef. This involves another 6 amateurs, but shouldn't that be eight, to include John Torode and Greg Wallace? The four-way cooking assault carries on for Thursday and Friday, although Mary Fucking Berry gets a half-hour slot as well on Friday morning.
Robin Williams
On Saturday night, on Movie Mix, there was the excellent film One Hour Photo, with Robin Williams. Rather better than the relentless mix of 007 films and Potter piss from which you cannot escape - Harry Potter and A Prisoner In Your Own Home.
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