10.3.13 Dancing On Ice Final

So, the final is between Matt, Beth and Look, based on Bleakley's bleats. Sadly Gareth had to be eliminated last week as he could not 'Piss about on a wire above the ice' - the name of the show last week.

Beth & Dan - Showcase

'Car Wash' - what a crap song.  I thought it was 'pass the parcel' when Beth was passed about between the male dancers; sadly the music didn't stop.  Her own personal skating was missing, although she made a lot of nodding her head, something a nodding dog on the parcel shelf of a car can manage just as well.  The 'Chamois Shake' was hardly impressive.  It seemed the male bdies were the most impressive thing on the ice.

36.5 points but I cannot understand how she was "giving me sass", as Jason said.  'You were getting tossed around from man to man," said Ashley.  So she was a tossee, then.  Shame she wasn't tossed off.

Look & Jenna - Showcase

"Up next an Olympic Gold-medal winning boxer who always comes out fighting," said Bleakness.  I never knew he was a boxer, an Olympian or a medal winner - this is a revelation, Bleakest!  Yawn!

'Crazy Think Called Love' (Luke?) was hardly entertaining, so it matched Look. I've just thought, his partner should be called 'Learn' because then we could have Look 'n' Learn.  The most boring routine imaginable.  The 'Wagon Train Roll Up' - I was looking for a spliff!

34.5 points and as Ashley managed to say for the 800th time, "You were having fun, we were having fun, it was fun, . . . .  blah blah."  Good job, Ashley. Look claims he 'found the beat' - yep, he looks beaten.

Matt & Brianne - Showcase

'Mr Pinstripe Suit'; sadly this reminded me of Mr Selfridge, but it was rather good - scoring 40 points.
"This is what it's about - ennertainment [sic] . . . . . ."  Thanks, Ashley.  It should be noted as well that Matt has got the very best skating partner in Brianne.

Death & Ban - Favourite

'Clown'.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!  Emeli Sande, for fuck's sake.  Is there any chance that this obsession with her will pass?   Sorry, Beth, but I can't take you seriously; I'm sure you're lovely, but I can't get emotion from you.  37.5 points but not really sure why.

"It's been a journey for you."  Thanks, Ashley- good job.

In the adverts, there was an O2 advert, with a burst of Emeli Sande!  "Next To Me" blasting from the TV.

Look & Jenna - Favourite

'Little Things' - One Direction.  32.5 points.  One little thing; you almost fell over.
Ashley - "I was so excited when you picked this piece.  I say 'Well Done' and kudos to you."

Look, Look, [that's look, Luke if you're not Bleaker] will you please NOT mention that you're an 'Olympic Champion' all the time.

Matt & Brianne - Favourite

'Turn Up The Music' had a good beat to it.  They were both excellent.  The chap standing in for Tony Gubba is simply unable to match the maestro.  40 points was definitely earned.


Bringing Back the Others

Then we had all the other starts turning up.  Emeli Sande (again!!!) for Pamela Anderson, and Read All About It.  Enough Is Enough for Oona King.  Puppy Love for Anthea Turner.  Shane Ward arrived with Vida Loca.  Hippy Hippy Shake for Pasquale.  Keith Chegwin brought T-Rex with him, and Barbie Girl announced the arrival of Samia and Longchambonbonbon.  Gareth Thomas (who should have been in the final) came on to the rink.

The Result - First Stage

"In no particular order."  Thanks, Phil - there are only three bloody couples!  Beth and Matt get through (in that 'no particular order').

Look 'n' Learn left the competition.  I loved the "Bronze medal position" comment by Philip Schofield, that must have been clocked by the gold-medal winning Olympian.  Bleakness helped us all out with the synopsis, by confirming that either Beth or Matt would be the winner.  Thanks, Bleaker-than-ever.

The Proper Final

Schofield: "It's all come down to a straight fight between Beth and Matt."  I'd like to see that!

Dean: "You start on your knees, and finish lying out."  Normal day at work, then.

Beth & Dan

Technically brilliant, but strangely of no great interest to me.  "Clinical" was the best way of summing up the performance.  "It was sexy, it was sultry, there was attack."  Thanks, Ashley, for that complete twaddle, regarding Tweddle.

Matt & Brianne

Fan-fucking-tastic !!!!!!!  For the record, though, it's important to note that Matt would perhaps not have been in this position without Brianne, who is simply perfect.

The Proper Result

Death and Ban declared the winners?

Fucking Fucking Fucking Farce !!!

So ITV has precised over what can only be described a s a complete joke of a contest, where twats voting are allowed to make a second-best contestant the winner - !!!

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