Flags
Owners and users of flags ought be be tested on their proficiency before being allowed to display them. It has now gone beyond a joke in relation to use of the Union Flag. Passing a lay-by in Bridlington, I could not fail to be aware of a hot food wagon parked there, dispensing all sorts of food (and perhaps illness?) for anyone willing to stop. I was less drawn to a stop for a sausage as I was drawn to the flags. The generic approach meant I saw the usual mix of Union Flags and Flags of St George fluttering in the cold wind. The Union Flag was back to front! Not upside down, you understand, as the Union Flag cannot be upside down. Its inherent rotational symmetry means that to fuck up, the flag waver/owner must affix it to a stem or pole back to front. The George Cross is a rather simpler design that protects the thick from making any error. I considered, as I drove past, whether I'd be prepared to eat a sausage sandwich prepared by someone who can't fly a flag properly, and decided that this was enough of a basis to boycott the establishment. It's not enough to 'fly the flag' - one needs to 'fly the flag properly'.
Pigs
Further along the road, I came to a sign, with a directional arrow to the right, that said, simply:
Coniston Swine. This was not a home-made sign but a proper one. I considered whether Coniston was a place full of pigs, and someone with a sense of humour in the road signage department of the local council had decided to highlight the fact. Then I wondered whether there was a piggery which housed a particular breed of pigs known as 'Coniston'. Neither seemed to fit the bill. I struggled with this for a minute or two, as I progressed about a mile - and saw another swine sign. This time, it simply said:
Swine. I looked to the right and saw nothing much. Maybe there was some sort of basis for insulting locals who lived off the main road (to the right) and labelling them all 'Swine'. Maybe like the domestic pig, these locals were large even-toed ungulates, with the scientific name 'Sus Scrofa Domesticus'. Who knows.
Cats
I mentioned in the section above, the word 'piggery', the rather unimaginative name given to a place where pigs are kept. It's not an adventurous word, and of course strays not an even toe away from the name of the inhabitants. Still, it sounds quite nice. Dogs, of course, get a completely different word - 'kennel'. Again, it's not unlikable. I like the pig/piggery sounds. Dog/kennel is okay. However, after seeing a sign to my left with the name of a 'Cattery', I decided instantly that this is a horrible word, and cat/cattery just does not work on any level. I have no idea why pig and piggery sound fine whereas cat and cattery sounds completely shite! All I do know is that the word 'cattery' should be banned. Surely there are some bored primary school kids somewhere, who are in need of a project, and could devise a new form of reference for a place to keep cats?
Sweets
I called in at a company last week, and stood at the counter waiting for service. As I waited for the bell I'd pushed to have an effect [it eventually did so, and a zombie appeared] I noted there was a small display of sweets in a cardboard tray that served to promote at £1 per packet some charitable input from visitors, and perhaps staff. The printed message included:
"Sweets For Life Ltd gives 67% of it's profits to the Great Ormond Street Hospital". You may already have clocked that I've just typed an apostrophe [it's] and I must emphasise that this was what was on the box, and not a mistake by me. Yes, sadly the massive entity that is world renowned, and that is the target for some "do-gooding", is mentioned in a sentence that contains a grammatical error. This confirms how dumbed-down the country has become. This error I found annoying. However, I was also perplexed on seeing a further note across the front of the cardboard; "Not to be sold to children" was not quite the message I'd expected. How on earth can sweets not be for sale to children? Is it because the £1 packets contained so few sweets for £1 that it was the confectionery equivalent of a Wonga rip-off? Is it that the sweets are far from healthy and only adults can be allowed to go down an unhealthy route, rather than children, who are the main focus of the hospital's endeavours? Whatever the reasoning, I feel there is a flaw in the whole approach.
Strepsils
These are not sweets of course, but lozenges. I am not totally sure what makes something a lozenge rather than a hard sweet - the criteria have, I feel, never been properly considered, and I've never seen a Dimbleby on
Question Time put forward lozenges as subject matter. Strepsils is a brand name, and the manufacturer is the wonderfully named: Reckitt Benckiser Healthcare International Limited. Inside a box (for tins are sadly a thing of the past) you will find a paper note with information. I do not use the term 'useful' to qualify the word 'information' because there is within the considerable text a lot of tosh. Here are a few extracts and comments.
How to take Strepsils extra strength blackcurrant lozenges
Remove one lozenge from the foil blister packaging
Replace the foil blister pack into the cardboard carton
Place lozenge into the mouth allowing it to dissolve slowly
Have you become over-excited by this scintillating advice? Me neither. Apart from the grammatical error [using 'into' instead of 'in'] I think they've missed out steps 1 & 2. 1-Buy some Strepsils, and 2-Open the cardboard carton.
Remember that young children can choke on lozenges
If symptoms persist for more than 3 days or if anything unusual happens please consult your doctor.
The first comment is hardly something that I've been struggling not to forget, so I didn't need to be told the bleeding obvious. Maybe there should also be a warning that children can cut the inside of the mouth with a shard of lozenge. The second comment is not as qualified as it should be. I don't think my doctor would be too impressed if I consulted him and mentioned that the Co-op has started selling food at reasonable prices - that would most certainly count as something unusual happening!
Do not take a double dose to make up for a forgotten lozenge. Continue to use this product normally.
What a completely wonderful yet bizarre piece of advice. A 'forgotten lozenge', indeed! As for using a lozenge 'normally', what the fuck do Reckitt Benckiser think I am going to do with it, other than suck the cunt?
Further information - What Strepsils Extra Strength Blackcurrant Lozenges looks like
A round purple lozenge
You couldn't make this stuff up (unless you're Reckitt Benckiser of course) and for some reason they added an 's' to look. I have kept the leaflet, in line with the opening statement on page one, which says: "Keep this leaflet. You may need to read it again."
Irish Lotto
I was invited on Saturday, via one of the useless unwanted inserts in my Daily Mail, to participate in the Irish Lotto, especially in view of jackpots being "statistically 42% easier to win that the UK National Lottery" (renamed 'Lotto' a few years ago, by the way). This makes it seem a no brainer;
42% easier to win is certainly attention-grabbing. However, the difference comes from having to pick correctly the six balls from a total in the draw of 45 rather than the 49 that are in the draw in the UK. So, the Irish have four fewer balls, but are talking more bollocks with the dubious use of '42%' to gain interest. The funniest and oddest sentence in the advert (with a freepost fold, lick and stick design) was as follows:
"From the comfort of your own home, the official Irish Lotto can be played twice weekly, and has a history of producing winners!"
Well, aside from the assumption that my home is comfortable, the very least I would expect from a lottery is that there are some winners! I won't be participating because the form requires me to open the floodgates on direct marketing and the ongoing junk mail virus, after gathering data including date of birth, email, mobile and landline numbers, and shoe size. [I made the last one up].
Tesco Paper & Card
The cellophane contained some small squares of card (postcard sized, actually) and some enveloped. All were plain. On the reverse was a small white label with a warning:
"Not suitable for children under the age of 36 months as small part(s) may be generated - choking hazard."
What complete madness and complete bollocks! How can paper and card be a choking hazard? How come the word 'generated' is used? Is this all in case a thick twat rips up the card and envelopes and force feeds a small person? Tesco Twattishness.
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