Driving along the motorway, I was surprised to see an overhead gantry showing the instruction "Check Your Fuel Level". I'd never before realised that the car I was driving needed fuel; I had to that point simply driven where I wanted to go - after all, my car is like the Magic Porridge Pot, though producing combustible liquid rather than gloopy breakfast. Are we all now that fuckin' thick that we need to be told to check a fuel gauge? What next?
"Check your windscreen wash"
"Have you got a piss bottle with you?"
"Are your tyres inflated?"
"Oi, you cunt, turn your lights on!"
We have long since got used to the "Tiredness Kills, Take a Break" slogan. I'd already guessed that if I went to sleep while driving at 70mph, it would be a bit foolish, and could possibly cause me to lose control of the vehicle, especially if I used my extra comfy pillow. So thanks to the regularly received advice that tiredness can kill, I choose to sleep when I'm in my bed.
When I am buying alcoholic drinks, I do not need to be told, "Eating first will help you to retain control". However, the Co-op clearly thinks its customers need this advice. As far as I am concerned, the little sign on the shelf that relayed this gem of wisdom was asking to be removed, less because I was annoyed at being lectured to, more because the message itself is flawed. Eating before drinking alcohol does not help anyone retain control, as no amounts are given. If I eat a Mars Bar and then have ten pints, I reckon I will retain enough control to do little more than fall asleep somewhere other than a dual carriageway. If I drink two pints on an empty stomach, I'll be fine. Further, if I eat a lot, then I'll have to drink even more to get pissed, so the Co-op's cautionary note is likely to increase the consumption of alcohol, as people struggle to overcome the barrier to drunkenness that food provides. The other pathetic sign on the shelf stated that: "Consuming water in between alcoholic drinks helps you avoid the effects of dehydration". No fuckin' shit, Sherlock! I was sorely tempted to put my own sign up, next to the Evian and Perrier, saying: "Consuming alcohol between taking in water help you to avoid being a boring cunt".
Don't cross the road unless it's clear to do so, don't slip between the train and the platform, always use a condom [never understood that one - they're not much use at all, really; useless for stirring Angel Delight]. The world is now full of crappy directives and advice, as unseen forces have decided that we're all thick and need prodding.
By the way, I opened a tiny pot of black pepper at the weekend; written on the side of it was "May contain traces of nut". How can traces of nut get everywhere on the planet, even into a tiny pot of pepper! If there is ever a virus that will wipe out the planet, it will take the form of a trace of nut. Based on the evidence [arse covering notes all over the place] it apparently gets into almost every foodstuff on the planet now - never used to, though.
Driving to Edinburgh last week, a roadside instruction said "Slow Down". No, it wasn't one of the new signs that flashes if a sensor picks up on the fact you're going too fast. It was a fixed, standard, metal sign - so whatever speed I was doing, I was apparently expected to slow down. I had to anyway, as the literate snail that was crawling near the gutter in front of me did an emergency stop, and I had to do the same . . .
A sign of the times
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