3.11.19 What's At Steak? Terror at the Checkouts

A few weeks ago, I had to show my receipt to an Asda security bloke who approached me with the comment "It's probably steaks".  He was correct, and it was my purchase of three steaks for a tenner that had caused the major alert, and audible bollocks.  A cursory look at the long till receipt meant I could proceed.  It was laughable that many items I'd purchased were rather more valuable than a few lumps of cow at £3.33 each.  I learned that if I want to steal something from Asda, I could either: a) avoid steaks and steal other things I might fancy that will not trigger alarms, or b) include steaks in a future shopping trip as cover for stealing other items, in the knowledge that my purchase of steak would protect me from any suspicion resulting from an alarm going off.

Of course this is all hypothetical.  In fact, before I get anywhere near the exit, trained Asda staff would most likely have sent me loopy with mental torture - inane questions posed to me at the checkouts.  Worse than water-boarding, the interrogation techniques are designed to suck out of any shopper's brain the will to live, let alone complete an act of theft.

There is one approach that might conceivably be a protection, but it requires some balls to effect it.  This involves a preemptive strike, to turn the tables on a programmed checkout operator.

"Hi - Before you ask,

I have got my own fucking bags,

I am totally fine with packing my own shit,

I am sufficiently prepared not to require separate little useless bags for fresh meat which is in fact already wrapped to a satisfactory standard,

No I did not manage to find everything I was looking for, but your asking me if I have gives no value to my shopping experience and you don't give a shit anyway,

Please don't open the egg carton to inspect the eggs because I am not a moron and have already done that,

No, I have no need of a fucking hanger, thanks,

What I have done so far today is none of your fucking business so don't ask,

What I am doing with the rest of my day is also my business, so stick to scanning,

Before you exceed your remit, I will have no enthusiasm for discussing with you ANY of my purchases, and hearing whether you like something at any level,

Don't you dare resort to comments on the weather!

Thank you."

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2.11.19 Why ITV Is Fucked

It cannot escape the attention of anyone looking at today's TV schedule that ITV is fucked beyond any reasonable level.  The line-up of shite demonstrates so easily that ITV is a disgrace.  From midday to midnight, it's cunting crap.

12:15 The Mountain (Repeat)
A year in the life of Snowdon

12:50 Ninja Warrior UK (Repeat)
A whole hour devoted to a repeat of the obstacle course challenge

1:50 You've Been Framed (Repeat)
Another lump of repeated video clips

2:55 Midsomer Murders (Repeat)
A lazy 2-hour padding out of a Saturday afternoon

4:55 Tipping Point (Repeat)
Another cunting hour of repeated shite

5:55 News

6:15 The Chase Celebrity Special (Repeat)
The word 'celebrity' has, as ever, been misused

7:10 Take Me Out (Shit)
The first programme not to be a repeat, but a completely disgusting use of airtime, to abuse viewers with an hour and twenty minutes of pure shit, hosted by the nauseating Paddy McGuinness.  Never in the field of viewing has such a pile of cack been presented as prime time entertainment on terrestrial television.

8:30 X-Factor Celebrity (Shit)
A pile of piss, featuring Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, Nicole Shitslinger, Dermot O'Dreary and people who can't sing.  An hour and fifty minutes of torture.

10:20 The Jonathan Ross Show (Shit)
I don't like the fucker

11:25 News

11:40 Lethal Weapon (Shit)
The poor and corny as fuck series that has no place on TV or reason for being

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30.10.19 Cunt of the Day

Driving like an arsehole is a common phenomenon these days, and today I was treated to a display by the bloke in

NL10 LCG

who was more than eager to tailgate, undertake, and push into a fast lane that had no real available space for his little red car. 

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28.10.19 Priti Pathetic Patel et al

News At Ten included a small section on the comments by the horrendous Priti Patel in the House of Commons.  While trotting out some guff that said little at all (her forte on all matters) she called the human traffickers "unscrupable" - a word that simply does not exist.  What a twat.

After she "went rogue" in Israel, denying putting a foot wrong but having 12 meetings without the Foreign Office being aware, she was quite properly sacked.  Some holiday, that, and an outrageous set of actions.  Then two years later, she is made Home Secretary by Boris Johnson.  How the cunting fuck is she fit for such a role?  As bad as her being elevated to this position was the utter lack of judgement and pure cuntism of the PM in appointing her.

There is no decency at all in the Tory Party.  A few older hands do command some respect, Ken Clarke for example, and actually, Heseltine.  But the front bench is inhabited by a useless lying bunch of wankers - BJ, Sajiv Javid, Patel, Gove, Rees Mogg, Raab.  Then there are the useless fucks who add zero value to anything - Liz Truss, Leadsom, Hancock, Barclay. 

There is simply no justification for voting Conservative, with this shower of shit in power.

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27.10.19 Awful Weather Forecasters

Once upon a time, weather forecasters were people with some sense of integrity, gravitas and education.  This has long since been superseded by 'personalities' who are simply presenters with no real talent, and a penchant for being cuntish in their pathetic use of the English language, for dumbing down of anything meteorological, and for glibness that deserves a kick in the cunt/cock depending on what sex they purport to be.

Here are just a few of the unfathomable utterances of weather nobs.

As temperatures slip away - Lucy Verasamy
As we make our way overnight - Ross Hutchinson
Bits and pieces of cloud - Ross Hutchinson
The odd bit and piece of rain - Radio 4
A rash of showers off the North Sea - Louise Lear
A rash of frequent showers - Louise Lear
Bits and pieces of rain - Louise Lear
Quite a few bits and pieces of cloud - Louise Lear
It's very messy out there today - Louise Lear
It'll likely be a quite week for weather - Louise Lear
A quiet story across the country today - Louise Lear
The cloudy and damp conditions continue to journey eastwards - Kerry Gosling
The weather will be quietening down - Louise Lear
A quieter day tomorrow - Louise Lear
Here it could be a bit cool and disappointing - Louise Lear
Quietening things down for the week - Louise Leer
Some nuisance rain - Louise Lear
Rain showers rattling along - Sarah Keith-Lucas
There will be a few tricky moments out there - Louise Lear
This front will weaken off considerably - Louise Lear
One or two splashes of rain - Matt on Radio 4
Plenty of sunshine overhead - Matt on Radio 4
Bitterly cold temperatures - Amanda Houston
Plenty of perky sunshine - Lucy Verasamy
Temperatures responding quite well - Lucy Verasamy
Clouds will sprout up from almost nowhere - Radio 4
North of The Wash, I'm hopeful the cloud will pop away - Radio 4
A colder week of weather - Abbie Dewhurst
One or two dribs and drabs of rain - Tomasz Schafernaker
It will be a quieter week - Tomasz Schafernaker
We'll have showers, some of them quite lively - Susan Ray
The rain will plonk itself over the region - Ross Hutchinson

Other mutterings include this nonsense:

A quiet night
It will become drier and cheer up later
Temperatures will really struggle
Some wintriness on the hills
The satellite picture shows this big lump of rain
A short sharp thrust of gusty wind

What a load of shite.
As for Becky Mantin, her winking is a fucking affront, so someone at ITV ought to tell her to sort herself out!

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27.10.19 Pundit Bollocks

Most pundits and commentators suffer from a serious deficiency in grammar, common sense and the ability to make decent contributions.  Here's a selection of the tripe that they relay in the course of their various roles, and unbelievably they get paid a lot of money for it.

Henderson came off his perch
Glenn Hoddle

Danny rose has gotta be really careful now and play within himself
Glenn Hoddle

That's two shots from either player that have been top drawer
MOTD commentator

Don't be surprised if them two, including Fernandinho, continues in the back four
Phil Neville

He's beginning to show the kind of form that I think he can do
Phil Neville

Next up, the teams who've had the least amounts of goals
Gary Lineker

As a keeper, you've got to hold your hands up
Paul Ince

Even though they lost the fewest amount of matches
Sports Reporter on BBC News

We were sat in and around their fans
Martin Keown

Play positive
Jermaine Jenas

His feet are like paint brushes
Martin Keown

Watford will be kicking theirselves if they let this run away from them
MOTD Commentator

They will have to face a game that neither of them want
Alistair Mann

They work as a tandem
Paul Ince

They wasn't poor but they wasn't quite at the races
Jermaine Jenas

Zuma was in and around him
Ian Wright

The goalkeepers can really make a hero for themselves
Ian Osment

He give them such an option
Danny Murphy

Everyone in the stadium are up on their feet
MOTD Commentator

Look at the players in and around him
Dion Dublin

With a number of Newcastle players in and around him
Alan Shearer

On the right hand side, whether it was Iwobi or Awellbeck
Alan Shearer

Getting themselves into those situations are hard enough
Jermaine Jenas

There's nothing that VAR have seen to change the decision
MOTD Commentator

Provided VAR don't see a reason
MOTD Commentator

Look at the amount of bodies they get forward
Jermaine Jenas

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26.8.19 Cash Converters - Hard Times

I was shopping on Saturday and on seeing a Cash Converters shop, decided to have a look at what was on offer.  The short answer to "What was worth buying?" is "Nothing."  It was a sorry state of affairs, seeing stuff that had so little merit, but the reason for this brief post relates to the credit terms that are available on all items in the shop.

I can understand how having six weeks to pay might be of real benefit to people, especially those on benefits, and credit terms sort of go hand in hand with the whole purpose of Cash Converters and its business model.  But on Saturday, I considered that things have now gone a bit too far.  The reason for this conclusion?  Simply the option to spread the payments over six weeks for a purchase at ONE POUND.  That's right, a quid.

On offer, by the counter, were some DVDs, and whilst in years gone by they would have commanded a pound each, the climate is now rather different.  The going rate is £1 for five DVDs.  This lowly pitch for finding them a new home was enhanced by the management, through an offer to extend payment over six weeks.  The up-front requirement was 22 pence, and this allowed the balance to be cleared at 13p per week over the following six weeks.  What a pointless exercise indeed.

Per DVD, this means I could have paid a deposit of 4.4 pence, and then taken the next six weeks to settle, so 2.6 pence per week.  I was, and still am, dumbfounded by this level of commercial interaction.

The saddest part is that even with such low prices, and credit beyond the limits of sensibility, I saw none that I could summon up enthusiasm for.  This must be the definition of 'worthless'.

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