12.3.17 Flaunting At The Daily Mail

As ever, the Daily Mail is obsessed with 'flaunting' as the primary activity of supposed 'celebrities', with the odd flash of flashing'.

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8.3.17 Lethal Weapon

The first episode of the new pointless series was aired on ITV last Friday evening at 9.00pm.  Prime time viewing indeed for this unnecessary and baffling tosh that is never going to justify itself.  Why the lame writers of TV programmes decided to regurgitate Lethal Weapon when no extended version was ever going to match the films is anyone's guess.

Aside from the poor standard of television, I am still fuming at the cuntish ITV exploits in ramming the shit down our throats.  No content with the 9.00pm slot on Friday, the Saturday schedule contained the exact same programme at 10.00pm.  Fucking diabolical.  The next episode is on this coming Friday, but to make sure no cunt in the UK could inadvertently miss the shit, it was on again tonight at 10.45pm on ITV4.  In trying to piss off as many people as possible, ITV is showing the fucker yet again tomorrow, at 10.45pm again.

The only thing 'lethal' is the risk posed by ITV to innocent viewers who will be savaged by the relentless touting of shit.

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5.3.17 TV Choice

This week's television guide throws up some notable shit, and so with nothing else to do for half an hour on a Sunday, I will enlighten you.  My copy of TV Choice is filled with shit plus a smattering of relevant information on the handful of programmes that might be worth watching during the week.

Obviously the inside of the front cover is devoted to half-price cotton rich bras. A pack of two costs £12 and for the avoidance of doubt, the feature draws my attention to what this means for me, the reader. "That's just £6 per bra!"  Well I cuntin never!

On page five I was given cause to shudder.  Why does everyone make a song and dance about Mel and Sue?  It seems their latest invasion of my world is courtesy of "Let's Sing And Dance For Comic Relief".  This was actually on yesterday evening, and obviously I gave it a wide berth.  Page seven presented a smiling Fern Britton, touting Wiltshire Farm Foods.  Sorry, but this is the woman who failed to disclose her gastric band when claiming to have lost weight through willpower.  I suggest she is not qualified on any grounds to promote food.

I looked at the advert for a Quingo electric motability chair (laughingly called a 'scooter') on page 24. The contract hire package was quite scary.  £22 per week for 156 weeks plus a £250 up front payment.  At the end of the three years, it will have cost you £3563 and it's not yours!  I never realised it was so expensive to move at 4mph.

Sunday

Today's television offering is as weak as I've ever seen it.  With no RBS rugby this weekend, the schedule is barren.  I see that at 6.00pm on BBC1 there is the The Big Painting Challenge (4th of 6) with Mariella Frostrup and Richard Coles.  This programme is not to be confused with the 11.25pm BBC1 programme The Big Painting Challenge that airs on Tuesday, with Una Stubbs and another Richard - Bacon.  This is actually a repeat of the last series.  Milking it rather than painting it, BBC.

There are two more highlights, and a low-light.  First, I see a film called London Road, and the write-up say; "Ipswich residents' real accounts of a series of murders committed in their neighbourhood are recounted in song."  Yes, that's right, some sort of weird musical relating to the murder of five sex workers in 2006.  WTF?

Second, I see at 5.10pm on Channel 5 a programme entitled; Cruising With Jane McDonald.  Haha!

Third, and the obvious 'low light', three-and-a-half hours from 9.00pm on Channel 5 devoted to Bruce Forsyth.  Criminal indeed!

Monday

Alarmingly BBC2 offers us a dose of foul viewing in the form of Griff Rhys Jones - for a fucking hour, no less!  Rivers With Griff Rhys Jones is clearly an affront, and part of the weird obsession that the BBC holds in trying to ensure it occupies the once-upon-a-time funny chap.  He has long since lost his ability to make anyone laugh.  What is this latest fixation with rivers?  Portillo's got his trains, and canals are spoken for by Timothy West.  Rivers are now the subject of great competition. The BBC wants to push GRJ, Channel 4 is airing Rivers With Jeremy Paxman and of course ITV has been driving us nuts with Jeremy Wade and his River Monsters for years now.

At 8.30pm on BBC2, there is Mary Berry Everyday.  Why the BBC misuses the language (Everyday) is only trumped by the more fundamental question - why the fuck does it relentlessly give time to Mary Berry?  This weeks she is pissing about with a rich bolognese sauce, and a warming soup, as if we need input on either.

Tuesday

Morning television on BBC1 is of course crap.  I would really like to see a slight switch of line up so that instead of Homes Under The Hammer and Dom On The Spot, we might be treated to Homes On The Spot and Dom Under The Hammer.

Wednesday & Thursday

Nothing of merit, or even worthy of comment.

Friday 

The evening game of RBS rugby means something will be salvaged for the week.  Overall, the schedules are pathetic.

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26.2.17 No Pot of Joy at ASDA

The tactics at ASDA are a fucking disgrace.  This week I had on my list some loo roll, and was disgusted to see that the shelves were devoid of anything other than Shades, the ASDA own-brand. Not a cunting roll of Kleenex was on sale, or Andrex.  I suspected foul play and this view was enhanced with my visit yesterday.  The toothpaste available was limited to just Colgate and Oral-Cuntin-B, and one small version of Sensodyne.  Clearly there are backhanders in place for pushing certain lines.

It is most annoying that aside from the small Co-op, the nearest supermarket to me is ASDA, and it is fast becoming a source of fucking fury.  A week ago, a box of 20 cans of Carlsberg was on offer at £10.  This was after a recent drop from £13, a price which had held for a couple of months following a long stint at £11.  I went to pick up a box on Thursday evening and found it was on sale at fucking £15.00!  What the fucking fuck?  Shopping at ASDA is like playing the cuntin stock market, and prices fluctuate more speedily and erratically than and index in existence.  This is exemplified by the commodities prices, and specifically yoghurt.

Activia is definitely a substance that fluctuates more than most, and whether it is simple variations in supply and demand that forces the ups and downs in ASDA pricing, or some sort of yoghurt cartel [a dairy equivalent of OPEC] that sets the barrel price of yoghurt is something that needs clarification. What is clear, though, is that there is some piss-taking.  It is unlikely to be Danone making the running - rather, it will be ASDA arsing about.  A four-pack of Activia has for the last three months jumped around in price, between a low of £1.00 and a high of £2.40. This is outrageous.  As for Pot of Joy, it is indeed 'joyful' when available at £1.00, but for every week it is sold at that price, it spend six weeks on the shelf above a price tag of fucking £2.00.  On those weeks the product would be better named as Pot of Mild Amusement.

The 400ml bottle of Nivea cream was back up to £6 yesterday, from its offer price of £4.  ASDA's buying power is clearly inferior to that of Bodycare, where it's sold at a standard rate of £2. Peperami packs were in the mid-range position, £1.50 in the general spread of £1.00 to £2.50.  Meanwhile, Pringles are up 25p.

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26.2.17 A Selection of Quotes From 2016

The only sausage I ever wanted was your father's.  [Old woman in Lidl, talking to her daughter and son-in-law]

Millionaire underwear typhoon Michelle Mone . . . [Mail Online, meaning 'tycoon']

It is still prudent to air on the side of how it can be related to the role.  [Mail Online, again displaying journalism and English ability of the lowest standard]

We're down to the last four, which means that one of you will just miss out on being in the top three. [Declan Donnelly, on BGT]

Gilded with gold.  [Twat on Radio 4]

I don't like being lopsided.  [Mrs MWSC, referring to carrying shopping bags]

In and around the pink ball.  [Ken Doherty, being an idiot while commentating on the snooker]

If Ding gets his teeth in front . . .  [Steve Davis at The Crucible]

They've found a new "specie".  [Allegedly intelligent woman archaeologist on Radio 4]

You've got two minutes; it's high octane!  [Mark Durden-Smith on Freeze Out, a painfully awful and laboured quiz show]

They are all numerically numbered.  [Worker on Grand Designs, who was dismantling something brick by brick, but not managing to appreciate 'numbered' needs no qualifier of 'numerically]

Recommending the very epicentre of Scotland.  [Paul Murton on BBC2 being a wanker with his use of language and pretentious blurb - there had not been an earthquake, by the way]]

Has he been carcerated ?  [Mother of TMWSC about the dog, meaning to say 'castrated']

Supporting a nutritional foundation for life.  [SMA advert, saying shit-all]

Everything's lopsided if there are two of them: bollocks; tits; curtains  [TMWSC]

It seems to be deja vu all over again.  [Robert Peston, arse, on Radio 4]

I'll never forget that film, what was it?  [Mrs MWSC]

It was maroony pinky red.  [Debbie DW talking shit]

You'd put your foot in it if you could find it.  [TMWSC to Debbie DW]

I'm lacking in the neck department.  [Paloma Faith]

I quite like having a big one from time to time.  [Mrs MWSC]

If you're awake, you drink.  [Mrs MWSC]

Fuck off with your shrinking kids.  [TMWSC]

I'm not gonna die if I don't have a copper bat.  [TMWSC]

Always keep away from children.  [Advert for Ariel, referring to the product rather than kids]

Do they work?  [TMWSC to DDW after she announced her new boyfriend has nice eyes]

It has weakened its strength.  [Narrator on The Ice Hotel]

For Arka, it's deja vu all over again.  [Narrator on The Ice Hotel]

Fuck off with your cinnamon.  [Debbie DW]

You can't change history but you can change the future.  [Darts commentator, profound indeed]

It would have been worse if senior managers had been fingered.  [Radio 4, ref J Savile report]

If you don't come and have a look at these things, you won't see it will you.  [Anon]

I've got to kill this, I've got to smash it.  [First pathetic words of Vivica Jade on The Voice]

I don't bother with popcorn.  [TMWSC]

I struggle if I hit the back of my throat with my toothbrush!  [Mrs MWSC after discussing the Britain's Got Talent amazing sword swallower]

She's like a marrow with legs.  [TMWSC regarding the woman with Pudsey on BGT]

I'm vaguely at war.  [Sue Scarrott]

I  must have a bigger right knee, or do more on it.  [Jess, after TMWSC highlighted worn trousers]

Here's another numerical stat.  [Twat weather forecaster on Radio 4]


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19.2.17 S-Factor: Smugness

The contenders for S-Factor are all desperate to win the title, and if you want to vote for your favourite, then the numbers will come up at the end of the review.

Slick or Oily?

Alastair Stewart manages to squint and deliver a smug, patronising commentary on things, whether related to 'Police, Camera, Action' or his more recent gig, 'Unbelievable Moments Caught On Camera'.  His precious, laboured manner and mincing style of delivering tripe is worthy of a place on the leader board.  In his most recent TV offering, he relayed details of an accident on the mountain, and a rescue that followed.  Avalanche was pronounced more than once - as "Avalonshsh".  What a cuntish fucking offensive utterance.

Superior or Condescending?

Victoria Coren Mitchell hosts the quiz show Only Connect.  The format of the quiz is interesting, and challenging.  The budget for this programme is obviously miniscule, and apart from VCM's wages, the expenses amount to covering the research and paying a cameraman.  Her annoying tone when posing questions, and uttering prepared claptrap combines to display smugness at an excruciating level.  This is enhanced by a real inability to be 'clever' with smart comments; her wittering is proof to any listener that whatever she thinks of herself, she is simply not entertaining, and NOT funny in the least.  If there is a scriptwriter in the budget, then he/she should be shot.

Cocky or Conceited?

Kevin McCloud must without question be included in anyone's top five, with a smugness level that blows the roof off.  His manner is outrageous at times. and he feels entitled to create monologues that are nauseating.  Someone needs to tell him that he is not Shakespeare, and that his pompous preaching is out of order.  Get over yourself, Kevin.

Precious or Pointless?

Giles Coren, sibling, of Victoria, was equally annoying when he fronted the quiz show 500 Questions.  The prissy way he posed the questions and generally delivered his lines was irritating int he extreme.  Whenever he appears, I find myself grating my teeth.  I have no idea why he is indulged at all, and as is the case with all of the contenders on S-Factor, there is an air of entitlement.


To vote for your favourite, phone the emergency services and plead for his/her instant removal from the world of television.

Call 999 and choose - 01 for Alastair, 02 for Victoria, 03 for Kevin, 04 for Giles,

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19.2.17 Diabolical English

The rogue donor advertises what he calls his 'magic potion', and there are no shortage of takers. [Anon]

The crowd was on their feet.  [Amanda Holden]

There was so much complaints.  [Ken Doherty, commentating on the snooker]

That player hasn't often showed up.  [Peter Ebden, commentating on the snooker, meaning 'shown']

The paper say it didn't run the story because . . .  [Reported on Radio 4]

It has weaved its way around the country.  [Ore Oduba on BBC2, avoiding 'woven']

Our biggest range of new cars ever are available . . . [Bristol Street Motors advert]

It's every man for himselves.  [Idiot on ITV trailer for the Tour de Yorkshire]

A series of major reforms are being considered by the government.  [Daily Mail]

It finds its way into all sorts of arena.  [Arsehole deciding that 'arena' is plural]

To go through these sequence of questions.  [Sarah Montague talking gibberish]

The gulf between he and the two others.  [Golf commentator]

I think Vardy should have been given a reprieval.  [Kevin Kilbane, inventing a word]

Two brace of serve.  [Tennis commentator - absolute wanker]

It was a scorcher, as he thread the needle, and put the lid on it.  [Tennis commentator]

Lidl have got two succulent cod fillet for £1.99.  [Fillet is not fucking plural!]

It's only in the last few years that erosion of the sea have worn them away.  [Julia Bradbury]

The IRA are . . .  [R4]

The team are about ready to . . . . [TV advert]

It is not a common phenomena.  [Twat on Radio 4]

Recent market turbulence have caused . . .  [Radio 4]

We've got both set of parents.  [Shane Richie]

He's had very little touches so far  [Rugby commentator, meaning 'very few']

A gang of four men were responsible  [Radio 4 news]

The paper say . .  [Nick Robinson]

The government themselves have . . . [Radio 4 News]

She must of practiced for hours.  [Facebook comment, illiterately]

Our biggest choice of used cars are now available.  [Bristol Street Motors advert]

You can see that writ large.  [Rugby presenter]

Don't judge a book by it's cover.  [Awful screen spelling on Catchphrase]

If charity want to do this type of work.  [BBC News]

You was here last year.  [Olly Murs]

The number of passes are taken into account.  [John Humphrys on Mastermind]

Scrutinistic  [Paloma Faith]

Disablised  [Radio 4]

Social Media is . . .  [Radio 4]

This is when the battle for the nominations get real.  [Radio 4]

The bacteria has already caused damage.  [Radio 4]

I don't know how you extrapolate the numbers down.  [Radio 4 - wtf?]

Great Britain have won two golds.  [Radio 4 sports reporter]

The UK government can argue amongst itself.  [Radio 4 gibberish]

A naked photo of her.  [Radio 4 newscaster, who meant "A photo of her naked"]

Discriminacies.  [Radio for guest talking shit, and inventing a word for instances of discrimination]

Australia are our best option for a quick trade deal.  [Radio 4 twaddle]

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