This week's television guide throws up some notable shit, and so with nothing else to do for half an hour on a Sunday, I will enlighten you. My copy of TV Choice is filled with shit plus a smattering of relevant information on the handful of programmes that might be worth watching during the week.
Obviously the inside of the front cover is devoted to half-price cotton rich bras. A pack of two costs £12 and for the avoidance of doubt, the feature draws my attention to what this means for me, the reader. "That's just £6 per bra!" Well I cuntin never!
On page five I was given cause to shudder. Why does everyone make a song and dance about Mel and Sue? It seems their latest invasion of my world is courtesy of "Let's Sing And Dance For Comic Relief". This was actually on yesterday evening, and obviously I gave it a wide berth. Page seven presented a smiling Fern Britton, touting Wiltshire Farm Foods. Sorry, but this is the woman who failed to disclose her gastric band when claiming to have lost weight through willpower. I suggest she is not qualified on any grounds to promote food.
I looked at the advert for a Quingo electric motability chair (laughingly called a 'scooter') on page 24. The contract hire package was quite scary. £22 per week for 156 weeks plus a £250 up front payment. At the end of the three years, it will have cost you £3563 and it's not yours! I never realised it was so expensive to move at 4mph.
Sunday
Today's television offering is as weak as I've ever seen it. With no RBS rugby this weekend, the schedule is barren. I see that at 6.00pm on BBC1 there is the The Big Painting Challenge (4th of 6) with Mariella Frostrup and Richard Coles. This programme is not to be confused with the 11.25pm BBC1 programme The Big Painting Challenge that airs on Tuesday, with Una Stubbs and another Richard - Bacon. This is actually a repeat of the last series. Milking it rather than painting it, BBC.
There are two more highlights, and a low-light. First, I see a film called London Road, and the write-up say; "Ipswich residents' real accounts of a series of murders committed in their neighbourhood are recounted in song." Yes, that's right, some sort of weird musical relating to the murder of five sex workers in 2006. WTF?
Second, I see at 5.10pm on Channel 5 a programme entitled; Cruising With Jane McDonald. Haha!
Third, and the obvious 'low light', three-and-a-half hours from 9.00pm on Channel 5 devoted to Bruce Forsyth. Criminal indeed!
Monday
Alarmingly BBC2 offers us a dose of foul viewing in the form of Griff Rhys Jones - for a fucking hour, no less! Rivers With Griff Rhys Jones is clearly an affront, and part of the weird obsession that the BBC holds in trying to ensure it occupies the once-upon-a-time funny chap. He has long since lost his ability to make anyone laugh. What is this latest fixation with rivers? Portillo's got his trains, and canals are spoken for by Timothy West. Rivers are now the subject of great competition. The BBC wants to push GRJ, Channel 4 is airing Rivers With Jeremy Paxman and of course ITV has been driving us nuts with Jeremy Wade and his River Monsters for years now.
At 8.30pm on BBC2, there is Mary Berry Everyday. Why the BBC misuses the language (Everyday) is only trumped by the more fundamental question - why the fuck does it relentlessly give time to Mary Berry? This weeks she is pissing about with a rich bolognese sauce, and a warming soup, as if we need input on either.
Tuesday
Morning television on BBC1 is of course crap. I would really like to see a slight switch of line up so that instead of Homes Under The Hammer and Dom On The Spot, we might be treated to Homes On The Spot and Dom Under The Hammer.
Wednesday & Thursday
Nothing of merit, or even worthy of comment.
Friday
The evening game of RBS rugby means something will be salvaged for the week. Overall, the schedules are pathetic.
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