3.5.12 Admiral

It was the day after that Dawn called me.  The day after I'd been online, and filled in a few details on a succession of screens, to find out what I'd pay for car insurance.  Yes, last week I thought I'd better check to see whether my Direct Line renewal notice was showing a competitive price.  This led to a decision being necessary on my part - one that could then lead to a lot of grief, or managed grief.  I opted to follow the path of the latter, and get a quote from one other insurer, to gain a 'benchmark'.

I could of course have opted to be 'confused' and run to confused.com for a price.  I could have sought to 'compare' via gocompare.com for some input.  With moneysupermarket adverts annoying me more than most, I decided they could fuck right off.  Considering my similar views on the other two, I thought I'd go to either Aviva or Admiral.  I chose Admiral because earlier this year a scouting mission for Junior led to a favourable quote for him - I say 'favourable' in terms of it being "sub-fuckin-two grand", the amount wanted by some arseholes!

Anyway, I duly tapped away, and arrived at the final screen with a price for my insurance on a basis that was pretty much the same as that offered by Direct Line.  Unfortunately the price was £117 more.  I was very mildly disappointed, but not at all surprised, and in a way it confirmed quite nicely that I need to nothing at all, and allow the automatic renewal to go through.  I did notice an annoyance before I logged off, which was the option for insurance for 10 months rather than a year.  Now, I know the world's gone metric, and there are probably some thick cunts who love a price that can be divided by 10 to get a monthly equivalent, but to my mind I'd rather work in full years, than on a ten-month rolling loup.  I may be old fashioned, and like being able to lob a dwarf seven feet and six inches rather than 228.6cm, but I was not prepared to re-engineer things by dispensing with the last thing that is 'imperial' rather than decimal.  I did not 'save the quote' but shut the window and decided to watch something on ITV Player.

The next day, as I say at the top of this post, Dawn called me on my mobile - the only number I'd entered on the Admiral site.  The caller ID revealed nothing in advance, so I was surprised when she announced who she was, after I'd answered on the second ring.

"I noticed you got a quote from us yesterday, and wondered what you thought.  I notice you didn't go ahead so was it not competitive?"

I resisted any urge to suggest the reason I'd gone online was to avoid a painful conversation, and managed a reasonably good demeanor.

"Unfortunately it wasn't, which was why I didn't go ahead.  My Direct Line renewal was £117 less than your quote so obviously there was no point in considering Admiral for anything."

"Oh, I see.  What exactly are you looking for when it comes to insurance?

"To fulfill my legal obligations at a price that's not stupid.  I have to have insurance, and at my age for a small car that's as powerful as a hairdryer, I need nothing more than straightforward no-frills cover.  I was looking then for a reasonable price, but you're too expensive - and by a lot."

"Ah.  I see.  What were you hoping to pay?"

I thought this was a dumb question, and decided the conversation was at an end.  My relatively amicable disposition was threatening to leave me, and I feared for Dawn if it were allowed to go before I ended the call.

"The bare minumum, and not £117 more than I can get by automatically renewing for the same cover with my existing insurer, with no effort at all.  I think that's it, then.  I've got to go."

"Okay, well hopefully we'll be able to help you next year.  Thanks."

The pointlessness of the whole thing is obvious.  I cannot understand how it's appropriate for the online approach to be fucked up by a phone call to follow - especially from someone who could add nothing to my life, my decision-making process or anything at all worthy of the cost of a phone call.  Still, I let it go and thought no more of it.

A day later my phone rang, and I saw an 08000 number on the display.  I answered, and a bloke introduced himself as Mark from Admiral.

"Sorry, but I've already had one pointless call from Admiral yesterday, and I really don't need another, thank you.

"Ah, I see.  Okay then."

Admiral but certainly not admirable, in terms of premium or tactics in winning me over.  Still, at lease I was not bamboozled and ripped off by the comparison sites.

...

3.5.12 And Another Thing

Eco-this and Eco-fucking-that!  The prefix should be "Echo" because I've heard it all before.  There seems to be no limit for the marketing people of the world to plonk 'Eco' in front of something and make out that it is a product or service that is environmentally friendly.  Most of the time it's fucking bollocks and a con to make us think we're saving the planet.  It has now lost its meaning and any trust in the term that once existed has been lost.  The benefits of anything described as 'Eco' ought to be available/included anyway.  I wonder if Martha and the Muffins knew in 1979 when they recorded 'Echo Beach' that the band was so close to coining a phrase that will no doubt be applied to any fucking beach the tourism authorities want us to visit in the future.  As for Umberto Eco, I feel sorry for him.  Once upon a time he had a surname that was quite cool and distinctive.  Now, he sounds like a tumble dryer with the 'Eco' tag to denote efficiency.

and another thing . . .

Michelin - in the UK it is pronounced 'Mitchelin' and not fucking 'Mee-shell-ann".  These cuntin' cookery crackpots insist on being poncy as fuck with this forced buggering-up of a straightforward word.  Try going into Kwik-Fit and asking for a new set of 'Mee-shell-ann' tyres and you're likely to get lumped with a socket wrench by a tattooed bloke who thinks you're chatting him up and want a fuck!  It's the same fucking entity; Michelin in the UK was 'Mitchelin' until the obsession in this country with cooking programmes, and the introduction of narrators who try to spice up the language, and the intonation, and in effect audition for a spot on a new M&S advert.  While I'm at it, any cunt who thinks he's clever saying 'om-argj' for 'homage' is a pretentious twat.

and another thing . . .

(Q) What language do penguins speak?  (A) Fin-nish  This shitty 'joke' on the wrapper of a penguin biscuit was not funny, nor was it properly researched.  The first point I'll make is that the biscuit tasted awful.  The second is that the supposed joke links the bird with a country near the North Pole, to try and be clever.  A shame then that Penguins are not found anywhere near Finland at all.  They are in the Southern Hemisphere, although the northern Galapagos islands have a small number.  So, linking Finland with penguins is flawed as fuck!  I would also challenge the idea that 'fin' is a reasonable link anyway, as penguins cannot all be said to have fins.  Apparently it's claimed that Emperor penguins have small one hidden below their wings, but this is hardly well known, nor is it a visible trait or at all representative of the anatomy for penguins generally.  So, McVitie's, sort it out!  While you're having a scout around ahead of withdrawing all offending wrappers, make sure there are no others that suggest "Pole-ish" as the answer, please.

and another thing . . .

Twins On Board - this was the useless sign displayed in the rear window of a car I followed recently.  Inside the car was a woman driving and a kid in the back.  I was instantly annoyed by what was most likely misrepresentation.  Obvious it was not a completely clear-cut case, because in theory, the woman driving could have been one of twins, whilst the girl in the back could have been one of twins herself.  However, I felt that this level of benevolence on my part would be ludicrous, and that the driver was more probably ferrying around one of her spoilt brats.  If the car were unlucky enough to be rammed by a juggernaut driven by someone who didn't see the sign and as a result felt free to plough into the back of the Renault Scenic (why wouldn't he, without proper reason to avoid a particular vehicle?) then the emergency services and/or the undertakers would not realise they could stop looking for remains after finding the first squashed child.  Hopefully a medic could establish that the mother was not the other twin - unless very severe squashing had occurred.  Even then, the fact that one was in the driving seat and one was behind should mean the thickest investigator would realise they were likely to be a few years apart.  So, the use of the sign was wrong, and it was not only sending out the wrong information to me, it would mislead others in other circumstances.  The mother should of course have dispensed with all signage, because who gives a fuck who's in a car?  If she is adamant that there must be a display, then she should invest in multiple signs and swap them over when appropriate.  I suspect she feels safer with some sort of sign, because without announcing 'child on board' or something similar, we all know that she will be the target of murderous drivers who can't wait to feign ignorance and ram her off the road!

and another thing . . .

The official 'Take Me Out' Flirting App has been released.  What the fuck?  What a dire, dreadful planet we live on, when a pathetic piece of software is produced to encourage pointless behaviours and random shagging, and what's worse, on the back of a shit programme like 'Take Me Out', which should be renamed (and the show reformatted in accordance with the name and intended outcome) 'Take Me Out and Shoot Me'.

and another thing . . .

£10billion for the IMF - I thought we were skint?  Somehow, George Osbourne managed to find this amount to give to the IMF for a Euro bailout (and we're not in the fucking Euro!) the other week.  Where did he find that?  I must start looking through the pockets of my various trousers, and see if I'm that lucky.

and another thing . . .

Putting People First - a commendable notion, I'm sure you would agree.  However, the positioning of this phrase after "Cleveland Police" is NOT what I want to see.  The police forces of this country should be doing rather more than 'putting people first'.  I want them to catch thieving cunts, lock up offenders, and concentrate on stopping crime.  I want others in society to put people first, people who are paid to do so, like those in charitable organisations, those whose careers are in the service industry, tourism, social services, even lollipop people.  But NOT the police.  'People' would of course include the cunts they are trying to catch!  I suggest that there would be more respect for a police force with a rather more targeted and appropriate strapline, if there's insistence on having one; how about Cleveland Police - Catching Cunting Criminals.

and another thing . . .

Knife Crime - if there are now 40 robberies per day carried out at knifepoint in the UK, and the so-called "knife culture" is a growing problem, why the fuck don't we arm the police?  Go to Spain or Italy and weild a knife, and a copper will shoot you.  That's what the UK needs, some fucking balls and a will to put some real fear and a deterrent in place.  This country is fucked, and has no ability to do anything.  It seems impossible for Her Majesty's Government to control crime, to deport lunatics, foreign criminals, political activists or illegal immigrants, or to stop anyone (worldwide) from abusing the systems.  In fact, claiming to have 'systems' is laughable really.  Until the UK starts to control its own destiny and show some balls, we'll forever be reading about how some tosser of a judge has sided with a cunt and we are paying millions to try and beat a loophole.  Mad.

and another thing . . .

Strikes - they should be banned.  Many years ago there was perhaps a basis for collective bargaining and unions to support all workers.  These days, we rarely see issues where people's lives are put in danger by unscrupulous employers, and there are measures in place for workers to get a set minimum wage.  We now find ourselves in a challenging position, with the economy struggling and jobs at risk.  So, you'd think that striking to try and retain perks and benefits that are totally wrong and out of touch with reality would be inappropriate.  Yet, we see the threat of strikes all the time.  The country is skint, and some are bickering about pensions which are many times better than the arrangements in place for most people.  As for striking or threatening to strike and disrupt everything, I believe it should be outlawed in many more professions than the few that are already not allowed to entertain strike action.  If the Police cannot strike, why the hell should teachers be allowed to strike?  Get real, and realise that whatever the challenges in your profession, you are still pretty much guaranteed a job for life, and unbelievable perks.  Train drivers?  Same applies; disruptive fuckers have the ability to lose the country (whether businesses, individuals or the government) many millions of pounds, and that is undemocratic!

and another thing . . .

Fucking cheek, Asda!  I shopped last week and after loading the boot, found myself ready to put the trolley back in one of the trolley parks.  I looked around and was flabbergasted.  I was exactly in the middle of the large car park, and somehow two small shelters that were there the week before were nowhere to be seen.  The fuckers in charge have tarmaced over the two bays which were previously the sites for some small covered drop-off points for trolleys.  I suspect that the gain of two parking spaces was not the objective; rather, I believe there will have been a cut in the staff allocated to collect trolleys and put them by the store entrance, ready for new customers.  This penny-pinching measure is disgraceful, mean and pathetic.  If you think I will be returning the trolley to the front door for you, piss off.  You've already taken the piss with the self-service approach on tills, and I'm not going to be doing more work for you.  I give you notice now, Asda, that I will be abandoning my trolley once I've loaded my car from now on.  Fuckin' 'ave it!

and another thing . . .

Can I get a rebate please?  I am not happy that the BBC has spent £24million on The Voice, or as I refer to it, The Farce.  Can the cunt in charge please let me know when I'll get my discount voucher to use against the licence fee, based on my not watching this shit anymore.  There is no call  for paying so much money for so little, especially TomTom Drum and i.am.a.nikon, who as a pair are less impressive than a jelly mould!

and finally . . .

HTC adverts - can someone please sort the problem asap?  The letter 'H' is spelt aitch and so there is NO fucking 'H' at the beginning.  That mean it should be pronounced like the letter 'A' but with 'tch' after it.  In fact, pronounced similar to 'eight' - the IQ of the nobs from HTC who have sanctioned an advert with the mispronounced first letter of the product.  They are not alone, unless the same people were responsible for the HMV adverts (before the demise of that company).  H is the 8th letter of the alphabet.  'Aytch is the eighth letter of the alphabet.'  Will that help any heavy breathers to remember?

...

3.5.12 Today and Radio 4

If enough people fuck something up, the fucked-up version becomes the norm, and the proper version becomes 'wrong'.  However, before it becomes 'wrong' it lives in purgatory for absolutely ages, and people who hanker after it retaining its rightful status (of being correct) are castigated for being pedants and perfectionists.  The English language is abused to fuck by two types of people.

1) Thick Cunts
2) Trend Setters

The thick cunts are people who often paid no attention at school, or have parents who grunted at them (when not farting or drinking) in their early years.  The consequence was that they never learned the basics.  They litter the country now, spreading their ignorance, and attacking anyone who dares to point out how they might improve their skills.  The country is thus swamped with extra apostrophes, particularly to make things possessive when there's no need, and most particularly to write it's when it should be its.  As for trying to get across the difference between infer and imply, well, a pointless exercise 49 times out of 50.  People in the media, and especially those who write, are doing even more damage if they are in the first category.  This is because their written efforts constitute to others in that same category (or to floaters) a confirmation of correctness - on the basis that it wouldn't be printed if there was a mistake.

The second category contains a few people who want to create new ways of using words, and (often for the sake of it) make up short cuts or introduce new slang, trying to be cool.  However, many of the people who like to think of themselves as 'Category 2' are in fact most often already VIP members of 'Category 1'.  The excuse for getting something wrong is that it was done on purpose, and it's the 'new way' or 'acceptable now'.  The "It's accepted now" bollocks is a widely used phrase to excuse Category 1 offenders (thick cunts, if you've lost the plot) and allow them to wallow in their ineptitude.  Teachers even condone such an approach.  Apparently you can pass any exam now, even if your English sucks to fuck.  The argument is simply that to get an 'A' in History, you don't have to be literate.  That's a good approach to education, don't you think?  In fact, even in fucking English exams, if you "get your meaning across", then some cuntin' Category 1 examiner is probably itching to award a pass and probably a grade 'A'.  I believe that Will.i.am thinks he is in Category 2, and I noticed in last week's The Voice his use of the term [I cannot use 'word' for obvious reasons] "Prolly" instead of "Probably".  I was under the impression that the diabolical "Probaly" was as bad as things could get, with Category 1 arseholes making it pissing ubiquitous.  But no, along come the Category 2 twats, and they shorten the fucking word again! 

On Radio 4 yesterday morning, on the Today programme,  I suffered the ramblings of Sarah Montague, who dabbled with membership of Category 1 for a fair while.

"The British Library are interested in hearing from you."
" . . for somebody who's got something, that thinks it might be . . ."
"'Rupert Murdoch is not a fit person to run an international company', so say a committee of MPs"

Charles Clarke came on the programme, and managed to enlighten us all with:
"There were a large range of issues . . ."

Sarah conducted a debate (well, an inconclusive spat between two guests which went nowhere, and which was ended before either party had achieved anything because she had to 'move on' to some other less important news) on trials of GM crops.  One of the guests told us:
"We attract in parasitic wasp which attack the aphid."
Oh, where to start?  Attract in?  Attract is okay on its own, or say bring in, but get it right, please!  I know for cuntin' sure that the plural of wasp is wasps.  Ordinarily, I'd forgive the use of aphid on the basis that the speaker was meaning it in general terms.  However, in light of his clear membership of an aforementioned category, I reckon he should have simply used the plural which is fucking aphids, especially as I suspect there's more than one of the cunts to be got rid of (or will that one day in the UK be "gotten rid of" when American English [what an oxymoron!] prevails?). 

Minutes later I heard "snuck" instead of "sneaked" and after a quick check, realised that I was not in fucking Wyoming (I was near Wetherby, actually) and that already the American invasion was in full swing.  What with Category 1 usage of "Dove" instead of "Dived", I fear for the linguistic health of the nation.  Where once upon a time globalisation was linked with the prevalence and adoption of English, it is in fact now the American English that's winning.  I will hold out till the day I die, and onto is not a word, it's on to.

James Knockerty did a piece on the sinking of the Belgrano, and fantastically said in the preamble to a guest's input: "We don't want to get into argy bargy about it."  Brilliant.

Later in the day, Martha Kearney came out with: "The IMF are impressed because . . ."

I switched over to some music, and left all Category 1 and Category 2 members to self destruct.

...

2.5.12 My 2.22 Sausages

The cuntin' Co-op is at it again; ripping off customers.  This retailer is the most schizophrenic of the lot, because for every one really good deal within its stores it has 82 fucking rip-offs.  Co-op is an abbreviation for 'Champions On Over Pricing', but I prefer to call it the Cunt-op.

Anyway, we all know that sausages come in eights, and weigh a pound.  I'm not talking about the fancy ones in trays, and cardboard sleeves that explain why the contents are worthy of the £4 price tag (usually to do with the inclusion of a bit of apple, or some green herbs, to replace a bit of the sawdust).  Nor am I talking about Richmond sausages, which are technically not sausages at all, whether skinless, spineless or meatless.  I am talking about normal sausages.  1lb of pork sausages, eight of them, in a string, usually slightly squared-off because they have been squashed together.  This last aspect means it's easy to stop them rolling around the frying pan.  So, you know where I'm coming from.  The most recent packaging for sausages from all the supermarkets is the waxy paper that you cannot see through, and on the outside there's usually a colour-coding to distinguish Pork from Lincolnshire from Cumberland etc.

I opened the packet of sausages (pork) purchased from the Cunt-op and my first thought was that the packet seems rather less 'solid' than usual, and that the sausages seemed to have room to move a bit more than usual.  This was duly explained when I realised the cuntin' packet contained 6 sausages!

I checked the front of the wrapping and saw that there were indeed supposed to be six sausages within - a fact that was given little prominence, with writing small enough so that a casual glance would suggest it was an '8' and not a '6'.  A double-check of the weight confirmed 340g and not the 454g that it should have been.  The cunts at the Cunt-op have re-designated the means for offloading pork sausages, and now it's six at a time.  Junior was expecting our shared packet to mean he'd get four, but we had to settle for three each.  What with the product actually consisting of 74% pork, it actually mean a true figure of 2.22 sausages each, at the full pork equivalent.

Before I sign off, I would like to suggest a change to the ludicrous claim written on the side of the Cunt-op delivery lorry [ Driving Responsibly to Reduce Emissions ] so that it announces: Packaging Sneakily to Reduce Contents

...

1.5.12 Poor Liverpool

What a sad state of affairs at Liverpool FC.  How ironic is it that today Liverpool (not so long ago managed by Roy Hodgson) managed to lose to Fulham (a team previously, and very successfully managed by Roy Hodgson) on the day that Roy Hodgson is named as England Manager.  A look at the table shows that Liverpool, the once mighty club, is now just three points ahead of lowly West Bromwich Albion - that's right, the team that for years hasn't been able to work out whether it's Premiership or Championship material.  Roy Hodgson has done a sterling job at WBA, and has proved his worth.  Well done Roy, and well done WBA.

Meanwhile, then, Liverpool go from weakness to weakness.  Okay, it's not the end of the world, but it's a bit more than the most over-used word in football (ie. "disappointing).  Roy was not really given a chance at Liverpool, not by the fans and not by Kenny Dalglish.  I got the impression he sat watching Roy struggling, just waiting for his chance to become 'King Kenny'.  Roy was not all of a sudden a shit manager.  Still, he moved on, and Kenny sat while the Liverpool faithful hailed him and crowned him.  He did some good things, riding on a wave of enthusiasm and spirit shown by all at the club, with people doing what they might have done for Roy if they'd felt like it.  However, £35million for Carroll?  Madness!  Still, Kenny wasn't to know that the FA would introduce a new rule meaning anyone who passes to Andy Carroll will be shown a yellow card - for time wasting!  That was a joke, by the way.  Apparently there was a suggestion that Liverpool would send Andy Carroll back to Newcastle for nothing, but Newcastle reported Liverpool for threatening behaviour.  (That was another one)

As well as Carroll, there were mutiple arrivals in the shapes of Ashley Young (who cannot seem to keep on his feet) Charlie Adam (something of a non-event) and Stuart Downing (a truly expensive flop).  Many, many millions for so little!  The only player whose arrival has led to some sort of benefit was Suarez - but he has also brought with him some massive drawbacks as well, eh?  Let's not open that can of corned beef.

So, let's forget about the team being a complete mess and look at the manager; how has Kenny Dalglish generally managed himself?  Rather badly, I'd say.  His diplomatic skills are appalling.  His judgement over the Suarez incidents was atrocious.  His displays in front of the camera in interviews after matches have been mostly catastrophic.  He is quite simply a PR disaster.

Contrast all of this with the successes at Everton, and the brilliant management of David Moyes.  I think it is highly amusing that as things stand, Everton have 3 points more than their neighbours, having spent about £37.50 this season.  Ha!

...

1.5.12 April Grammar Issues

1st  -  "For me there's no way; he did what he done."  [Alan Shearer - who else!]

2nd  -  "I'm doing all the stadiums in Europe and the Arena in America."  [Oops - 'stadia' and 'arenas', dearie!  Marina, from Marina and the Waves]

3rd  -  "The world are about to see . . ."  [Jessie J on The Farce/Voice]

4th  -  "The quality of his goals are there for all to see."  [Sam Allardyce]

5th  -  "To see those pieces together are absolutely wonderful."  [Twat on Antiques Road Trip]

6th  -  "Once I've prepted the food . . ."  [A chef on Great British Menu, deciding that 'prepped' as an abbreviation for 'prepared' needed some enhancement!]

7th  -  "He's just played flawless so far."  [Snooker commentator, without a clue on what an adverb is]

8th  -  "The Met Office have issued a warning."  [ITV local weather forecast committing the usual sin]

9th  -  "A batch of emails were released."  [Chris Ship on News At Ten - so poor]

10th  -  "Are you confident the mix of bold flavours are working on the plate?"  [Great British Menu judge making a foul-up of the English language]

11th  -  "A seven-man crew of a boat, which ran into problems off the coast of Wales, have been rescued."  [Have it, indeed!  That's Radio 4 News for you]

12th  -  "Man Utd's march towards the Premier League title no longer looks to be a precession."  [MSN news confusing procession with precession - very different things]

13th  -  "Gardeners' World: Monty Don celebrates the simple seed by explaining how they work."  [The Daily Mail TV Guide rather mixes up the rules of grammar]

14th  -  "Dad's Army: Walmington-on-Sea's platoon assume responsibility for some heavyweight artillery."  [Another TV Guide faux pas of the same ilk]

15th  -  "Only two days had lapsed . . ."  [Michael Fowler, author of Heart of the Demon, meaning 'elapsed' on page 55.  NB: Page 51 = "indentions" instead of "indentations"]

...

1.5.12 April Quotes of the Month

1st Place -  "Penguins are the scum of the biscuit world."  [Jess, passing severe judgement!]

2nd Place -  "How do you cut your eyelashes, cos they're close to your eyes, aren't they?"  [Faye]

3rd Place -  "You can't imagine him going to the doctor or doing anything normal, can you?"  [Jess, regarding the unusual Will.i.am]

4th Place -  "My grandmother's mother was originally Scottish."  [A comment from Antiques Road Trip]

5th Place -  "I'm in a shit car with skinny wheels and no oomph - I've no business harassing a Volvo!"  [TMWSC, getting irate with the exceedingly slow and erratically driven car in front]

6th Place -  "Glastonbury has a cauldron of different diversities."  [Radio interview, regarding the supposed 140 religions in the area]

7th Place -  "I don't think I could even bounce a ball against a wall and catch it with one hand."  [Jess, after watching The Cube and assessing her own skill level]

8th Place -  "He was 33 centimetres; that's just like a 30cm ruler."  [Faye, ref Charlie when he was born]

9th Place -  "Clearly taking your hands off the wheel while driving creates unnecessary risk and increases the possibility of accidents.  We advise all drivers to pay attention to what is going on around them at all times."  [RAC spokesman, stating the fucking obvious, or what!]

10th Place -  "I hate those wire things; they go straight through me."  [Jess, on why she doesn't remove the tea stains from her cup with a Brillo pad]

11th Place -  "Some cunt of a chump has to get involved when he's got fuck all to do with it.  [TMWSC on a typical rant]

12th Place -  "There could be torrential heavy downpours tonight."  [ITV local weather report; as if there could be a torrential light downpour!  Also, "could be" is not much of a fucking prediction!]

13th Place -  "Men do have camels like bladders."  [Faye]

14th Place -  "The spotlight was shined on a troubled part of the world."  [Dan Roan, on BBC1 News]

15th Place -  "That zit is bigger than anything I've seen this side of 1987."  [TMWSC ref Harvey's 'friend']

16th Place -  "I want you to show us who you are as a human being."  [A preposterous comment from Oliver Peyton, a judge on Great British Menu, displaying a ludicrous appreciation of what he should be doing - the chef cooks fucking food and doesn't need to reveal his politics, religion, inner thoughts or DNA!]

17th Place -  "Now you can unmiss your favourite shows."  [Said in an advert for 4oD]

18th Place -  "I'm not sure what that did to the fractions in the dressing room."  [Lee Dixon, who meant 'factions']

19th Place -  "So, Will.i.am's gut is female then!"  [TMWSC, watching The Voice]

20th Place -  "When my gut talks to me, I listen to her."  [Will.i.am talking shit on The Voice]

21st Place -  "It's a whole nother Avengers."  [Mark Ruffalo talking non-English to Graham Norton]

22nd Place -  "Very wet for some."  [Lunchtime weather forecast, 26.4.12 and not particularly helpful]

23rd Place -  "Airwick Refills sponsor ITV Afternoons."  [Clever things, these refills.  This news came at 6.45pm on a Saturday - not good at timing though, are they!]

24th Place -  "It's not the most important thing, but it's intragal to who I am."  [Woman's Hour on Radio 4, and the guest meant integral, of course]

25th Place -  "There's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears in the kitchen this week."  [A judge on Great British Menu, giving a very worrying picture of things; I certainly don't want blood, sweat or tears in any kitchen if it's where my food is being prepared!]

...