I was struck with a bit of misfortune today. The first element was the necessity to get up at 4.45am, and set off on a long journey at 5.15am. Such an early start is fortunately a rarity, so my disposition was not unduly affected, despite only sleeping for four hours. The real misfortune surrounded what was available on the car stereo.
For reasons that I won't go into, I was using a loan car from the garage, and was unfamiliar with the Suzuki Swift's controls relating to the radio. Whatever I did, including step by step manual searching, it seemed to delight in not providing me with any decent reception on any channel - until I found just the one pre-set channel via FM2. The third channel was Radio 1. I had no idea what to expect at 5.30am, but I soon discovered the bollocks available.
Like the backend of a DJ's session at a shit nightclub, I discovered the 'talents' of someone called Reggie, who managed to annoy the fuck out of me. These days, no one seems allowed to have a look at anything, listen to anything or consider anything; no, it is now apparently com-fuckin-pulsory to "check it out". Relentless drivel seems to be available only in voice-over form, that is, Reggie talking shit over background music that is better described as non-musical noise at grating levels of annoyance. I was hit with the usual Radio 1 insistence on the echo-effect for many useless snippets. I was with Elvis on this one ['We're Caught In A Trap'] and had no other options on the listening front. This tripe on Radio 1 was awful, and I was losing the will to live. If this is what the youngsters of today are subjected to, then I have little hope for the future of mankind in the UK. It was less of: "By The Time I Get To Phoenix She'll Be Rising" and much more: "By The Time I Get To Derby, I'll Be Doo-cuntin-lally!"
I wasn't going to Derby, but south on the M1, and estimated that around the Derby area would be when my head exploded. Luckily, at 6.30am, Chris Moyles came on and saved the day. I can honestly say (and will ensure I log this vital piece of information) that pre-6.30am, there is no point in turning on the Radio if there's a chance that Radio 1 is likely to come through the speakers.
Before I finish, a word about the nauseating delivery of news via the Newsbeat segments. At regular intervals, these suck brain cells from your head and dispose of them without you realising. The repetitive shit this morning meant chances to be bombarded with shit from illiterate cunts.
"Many teenagers didn't realise that your boyfriend or girlfriend can abuse you as well as a stranger."
Read this sentence a couple of times - you'll realise that apparently there are multiple meanings from such a badly constructed sentence.
1) The Boyfriend/Girlfriend is able to abuse strangers as well as having a go at you.
2) The Boyfriend/Girlfriend is competent at abuse and can match the performance of a stranger who decides to have a go at you.
The further line from the newscaster was: "Many don't think rape counts as assault." Well, to my mind, rape counts as fucking rape! The word 'assault' is too general, and sounds rather less traumatic and terrible than 'rape'. This wordplay bollocks all shows how cuntin thick people at Radio 1 are.
So, in summary:
a) Wait for Chris Moyles, before tuning to Radio 1 in the mornings.
b) Ignore all news bulletins.
c) Always have a CD with you when travelling.
...
Monday, 5 March 2012
Friday, 2 March 2012
2.3.12 Friday Frustrations
Radio 4 kicked off with some annoying failures regarding use of the Queen's English. Sarah Montague managed the unforgivable fuck-up regarding 'bacteria' which is of course plural. "Higher than normal levels of a bacteria have been found . . . . . "
A few minutes later, when some or other tit gave us some weather information, I heard that because of fog, the Met Office had issued a 'Yellow Alert'. Yellow? Since when has an amber warning turned fucking yellow? Is this an effort to pander to some nobs in an unnecessary department, and turn everything into nice easily recognised forms, after they became obsessed with the Teletubbies? Whoever decided that yellow was the way forward was probably looking "through the arched window".
I was followed by a Mercedes C250, driven by a twat. I knew he was a twat because it was 8.25am, and no one was using headlights or sidelights. The 'no one' actually included this bloke, because he was using fog lights. Now, despite the Yellow Fucking Alert, there was no fuckin' fog in this area. His use of the lights was for posing purposes only, with the multiple-dot style lights piercing my retinas. [NB: I prefer the 'retinae' as the plural, but it seems that fuckers have already got in with their lazy 's'-adding and both forms are acceptable]
Walking into the town centre, I passed a van which was sign-written (as most are) with the company name. However, these days no one owning or running a company is content with that. A logo and a company name are not enough now, because all companies feel obliged to include a strapline, to serve as an explanation of what the company does. This pathetic practice extends to institutions, and even the police. I have blogged on this before, with all the police force variations of unnecessary one-liners, things like "Wessex Police - Worse than Wet Wipes" or "Brothshire Police - Spoon Serving Communities". Today, the offender was Aquajet GB Ltd. It had, alongside this, the phrase "Intelligent Drainage Solutions". Even if I forgive the solution/liquid pun, there is a real problem here, because a drainage solution cannot be intelligent. It may well be the case that the company employs an intelligent person, and that this boffin comes up with good solutions relating to drainage issues, but that's the only possible link to intelligence.
I finished my McDonald's breakfast (my own one actually, not his) and noticed a church with its notice board at the front. I mused that the perfect example of indecision is a church called "All Saints".
I bought a paper from WH Smith, and was encouraged by the woman on patrol to use the self-serve machine. I say on patrol, because she was loitering in front of the main till and counter, next to a group of three scanners for the customers to do their own checkout work. [I got the impression that this woman would not stay at the kitchen sink or cooker for very long.] For a thirty pence transaction, I decided not to demand she provided personal (proper) service, and I scanned the paper. It was a painless process but it rapidly turned into one that fucked me right off! Why? I was asked on-screen if I'd like to add a chocolate item to my purchase; three little pictures popped up, each showing what was available for a further £1. I resent a cunt of a machine forcing me to comply with an upselling suggestion. I already get this cuntin' shite from nobs on the tills at petrol stations, motorway services and even fuckin' Poundland. Now machine are taking over. We'll be getting automated, computer-generated telesales calls next, to home phone numbers, even when the number is ex-directory. I know! It was a dollop of sarcasm because I've been getting that shit for years!
The question for today's competition on This Morning was hardly very challenging: "Who was the male lead in the films Staying Alive and Grease?" How superbly fucking challenging.
A: John Cleese
B: John Hurt
C: John Travolta
Safari Vet School this evening on ITV1 provided proof that vets do not have to have any English skills and that it's perfectly acceptable to be a narrator without having a basic understanding of what's singular and what's plural, and as a result what form the verb should take. Shouldn't the trainees all be sent to ordinary school first? I was hit with:
"The herd are on their way."
"The team are preparing."
"The herd gallop off."
There were so many more that I prayed for one of tranquiliser darts to be shot at me as well as the poor giraffe. Well, that's about it, other than a final moan about the smallprint at the bottom of adverts for fancy phones. It seems that in line with any smallprint and/or 'terms and conditions', the truth is less appealing than the apparent offer. "Sequences shortened" seems to appear briefly, to say basically that what we've just seen as a quick and marvellous facility is, in real life, a pain-in-the-fucking-arse cuntin' ball-ache of a task that will take ages and your fingers will struggle to tap out what's needed without your piece of technology deciding to hang/freeze or provide something for which it has not been asked. A visual lie is the correct term for this approach.
...
A few minutes later, when some or other tit gave us some weather information, I heard that because of fog, the Met Office had issued a 'Yellow Alert'. Yellow? Since when has an amber warning turned fucking yellow? Is this an effort to pander to some nobs in an unnecessary department, and turn everything into nice easily recognised forms, after they became obsessed with the Teletubbies? Whoever decided that yellow was the way forward was probably looking "through the arched window".
I was followed by a Mercedes C250, driven by a twat. I knew he was a twat because it was 8.25am, and no one was using headlights or sidelights. The 'no one' actually included this bloke, because he was using fog lights. Now, despite the Yellow Fucking Alert, there was no fuckin' fog in this area. His use of the lights was for posing purposes only, with the multiple-dot style lights piercing my retinas. [NB: I prefer the 'retinae' as the plural, but it seems that fuckers have already got in with their lazy 's'-adding and both forms are acceptable]
Walking into the town centre, I passed a van which was sign-written (as most are) with the company name. However, these days no one owning or running a company is content with that. A logo and a company name are not enough now, because all companies feel obliged to include a strapline, to serve as an explanation of what the company does. This pathetic practice extends to institutions, and even the police. I have blogged on this before, with all the police force variations of unnecessary one-liners, things like "Wessex Police - Worse than Wet Wipes" or "Brothshire Police - Spoon Serving Communities". Today, the offender was Aquajet GB Ltd. It had, alongside this, the phrase "Intelligent Drainage Solutions". Even if I forgive the solution/liquid pun, there is a real problem here, because a drainage solution cannot be intelligent. It may well be the case that the company employs an intelligent person, and that this boffin comes up with good solutions relating to drainage issues, but that's the only possible link to intelligence.
I finished my McDonald's breakfast (my own one actually, not his) and noticed a church with its notice board at the front. I mused that the perfect example of indecision is a church called "All Saints".
I bought a paper from WH Smith, and was encouraged by the woman on patrol to use the self-serve machine. I say on patrol, because she was loitering in front of the main till and counter, next to a group of three scanners for the customers to do their own checkout work. [I got the impression that this woman would not stay at the kitchen sink or cooker for very long.] For a thirty pence transaction, I decided not to demand she provided personal (proper) service, and I scanned the paper. It was a painless process but it rapidly turned into one that fucked me right off! Why? I was asked on-screen if I'd like to add a chocolate item to my purchase; three little pictures popped up, each showing what was available for a further £1. I resent a cunt of a machine forcing me to comply with an upselling suggestion. I already get this cuntin' shite from nobs on the tills at petrol stations, motorway services and even fuckin' Poundland. Now machine are taking over. We'll be getting automated, computer-generated telesales calls next, to home phone numbers, even when the number is ex-directory. I know! It was a dollop of sarcasm because I've been getting that shit for years!
The question for today's competition on This Morning was hardly very challenging: "Who was the male lead in the films Staying Alive and Grease?" How superbly fucking challenging.
A: John Cleese
B: John Hurt
C: John Travolta
Safari Vet School this evening on ITV1 provided proof that vets do not have to have any English skills and that it's perfectly acceptable to be a narrator without having a basic understanding of what's singular and what's plural, and as a result what form the verb should take. Shouldn't the trainees all be sent to ordinary school first? I was hit with:
"The herd are on their way."
"The team are preparing."
"The herd gallop off."
There were so many more that I prayed for one of tranquiliser darts to be shot at me as well as the poor giraffe. Well, that's about it, other than a final moan about the smallprint at the bottom of adverts for fancy phones. It seems that in line with any smallprint and/or 'terms and conditions', the truth is less appealing than the apparent offer. "Sequences shortened" seems to appear briefly, to say basically that what we've just seen as a quick and marvellous facility is, in real life, a pain-in-the-fucking-arse cuntin' ball-ache of a task that will take ages and your fingers will struggle to tap out what's needed without your piece of technology deciding to hang/freeze or provide something for which it has not been asked. A visual lie is the correct term for this approach.
...
Thursday, 1 March 2012
1.3.12 Football Grammar - February
Scott Parker
"Every one of us understand the situation."
Stuart Pearce
"That is what this team are going through and the individuals within in."
Alan Shearer
"I think them three should be further forward."
"He done that three weeks ago against Stoke."
"He didn't want to go forward or get into the box but that can't be accused of this guy."
"I know there was one or two question marks asked."
Sports Report - MSN
"Fabio Capello had a meeting with the FA today, and tended his resignation."
...
"Every one of us understand the situation."
Stuart Pearce
"That is what this team are going through and the individuals within in."
Alan Shearer
"I think them three should be further forward."
"He done that three weeks ago against Stoke."
"He didn't want to go forward or get into the box but that can't be accused of this guy."
"I know there was one or two question marks asked."
Sports Report - MSN
"Fabio Capello had a meeting with the FA today, and tended his resignation."
...
1.3.12 February Quotes of the Month
1st Place - "I just get behind her and give her everything I've got." [Daniel Whiston, on Dancing On Ice, talking about Jennifer Ellison]
2nd Place - "It looks like a snatch that's gone punk." [TMWSC, ref Kevin Prince-Boateng's haircut]
3rd Place - "He makes bread sound like liquid." [Liam, regarding Harvey's eating of a sandwich in the noisiest way possible]
4th Place - "She's a victim of her own flexibility." [Rosemary Conley, regarding Jennifer Ellison, who cut her head with her own ice skate]
5th Place - "Dead people will be kept on artificial ventilators." [Channel 5 news reporter]
6th Place - "You're not going to grow your beard till it's touching your food, are you?" [Jess, to TMWSC]
7th Place - "He really is a Mr Muscles; I bet he could clear out a few drains." [Tony Gubba, regarding Sebastien on Dancing On Ice]
8th Place - "I know there was one or two question marks asked." [Alan Shearer]
9th Place - "At least he skates better than George drives." [Tony Gubba, referring to Sam who was dressed as George Michael, on Dancing On Ice]
10th Place - "You wouldn't see me wearing camouflage." [TMWSC]
11th Place - "I can sell shit to the arabs." [Quote from a doorman who was boasting about his skills on the Channel 4 programme Bouncers]
12th Place - "He looks like he's just come out of a pond." [TMWSC ref David Moyes looking rather goggle-eyed in an interview on Match of the Day]
13th Place - "Ligging is lazy lurking." [Mrs MWSC, explaining the difference to TMWSC]
14th Place - "Help! Help! Post Office vehicle under attack; please call the police." [Alert sounding from a van parked next to the post office, with the driver sitting in the front seat on a mobile - no one was paying any heed to the very loud alert/alarm at all]
15th Place - "There are just too many post mortems - I think it's overkill." [TMWSC]
16th Place - "It fell to her former ex-husband, Bobby Brown, to . . . . . . " [TV Newscaster]
17th Place - "I can't say his name, but I don't give a shit! Get innnnn." [Jess, by text, ref Jutkiewicz scoring for Boro against Sunderland]
18th Place - "Once the thought's in your head, you're not eating with confidence, are you? [TMWSC, ref the problem with carrying on with the cooking of a chicken that smells a bit suspect, and why it's necessary to chuck it]
19th Place - "Can I interest you in any of our eggs; two for a pound? [Shell petrol station worker trying to upsell on autopilot to TMWSC]
20th Place - "All right then, okay then, right-o then." [Said in one burst by a woman on a mobile phone in the street]
...
2nd Place - "It looks like a snatch that's gone punk." [TMWSC, ref Kevin Prince-Boateng's haircut]
3rd Place - "He makes bread sound like liquid." [Liam, regarding Harvey's eating of a sandwich in the noisiest way possible]
4th Place - "She's a victim of her own flexibility." [Rosemary Conley, regarding Jennifer Ellison, who cut her head with her own ice skate]
5th Place - "Dead people will be kept on artificial ventilators." [Channel 5 news reporter]
6th Place - "You're not going to grow your beard till it's touching your food, are you?" [Jess, to TMWSC]
7th Place - "He really is a Mr Muscles; I bet he could clear out a few drains." [Tony Gubba, regarding Sebastien on Dancing On Ice]
8th Place - "I know there was one or two question marks asked." [Alan Shearer]
9th Place - "At least he skates better than George drives." [Tony Gubba, referring to Sam who was dressed as George Michael, on Dancing On Ice]
10th Place - "You wouldn't see me wearing camouflage." [TMWSC]
11th Place - "I can sell shit to the arabs." [Quote from a doorman who was boasting about his skills on the Channel 4 programme Bouncers]
12th Place - "He looks like he's just come out of a pond." [TMWSC ref David Moyes looking rather goggle-eyed in an interview on Match of the Day]
13th Place - "Ligging is lazy lurking." [Mrs MWSC, explaining the difference to TMWSC]
14th Place - "Help! Help! Post Office vehicle under attack; please call the police." [Alert sounding from a van parked next to the post office, with the driver sitting in the front seat on a mobile - no one was paying any heed to the very loud alert/alarm at all]
15th Place - "There are just too many post mortems - I think it's overkill." [TMWSC]
16th Place - "It fell to her former ex-husband, Bobby Brown, to . . . . . . " [TV Newscaster]
17th Place - "I can't say his name, but I don't give a shit! Get innnnn." [Jess, by text, ref Jutkiewicz scoring for Boro against Sunderland]
18th Place - "Once the thought's in your head, you're not eating with confidence, are you? [TMWSC, ref the problem with carrying on with the cooking of a chicken that smells a bit suspect, and why it's necessary to chuck it]
19th Place - "Can I interest you in any of our eggs; two for a pound? [Shell petrol station worker trying to upsell on autopilot to TMWSC]
20th Place - "All right then, okay then, right-o then." [Said in one burst by a woman on a mobile phone in the street]
...
1.3.12 February Jess of the Month
1st Place - "The whole panel are virgins." [Ref Homerton-Cambridge, on University Challenge]
2nd Place - "In this house, ethnic banter is accepted" [Jess defending herself regarding her use of various approaches to make her point]
3rd Place - "Ooh, I do love a Banker's Gamble." [A comment on Deal Or No Deal]
4th Place - "Black people are bad timekeepers - they're always late."
5th Place - "No! It just looks like two gays on the ice, doesn't it?" [Ref Jennifer Ellison and Daniel Whiston on Dancing On Ice, both dressed in black suits]
6th Place - "It's a pube, basically." [Jess's view of facial hair / a beard]
7th Place - "One of my mum's workmates gave her one." [A sourdough cake]
8th Place - "Because he's an unknown, no one knows him." [Ref Sebastien on Dancing On Ice]
9th Place - "I hate this, it's like we've all got amnesia or something - we've just watched it!" [Ref the recap of the performances on Dancing On Ice]
...
2nd Place - "In this house, ethnic banter is accepted" [Jess defending herself regarding her use of various approaches to make her point]
3rd Place - "Ooh, I do love a Banker's Gamble." [A comment on Deal Or No Deal]
4th Place - "Black people are bad timekeepers - they're always late."
5th Place - "No! It just looks like two gays on the ice, doesn't it?" [Ref Jennifer Ellison and Daniel Whiston on Dancing On Ice, both dressed in black suits]
6th Place - "It's a pube, basically." [Jess's view of facial hair / a beard]
7th Place - "One of my mum's workmates gave her one." [A sourdough cake]
8th Place - "Because he's an unknown, no one knows him." [Ref Sebastien on Dancing On Ice]
9th Place - "I hate this, it's like we've all got amnesia or something - we've just watched it!" [Ref the recap of the performances on Dancing On Ice]
...
1.3.12 February Oxymoron Moments
I was travelling on the M1 early in February, and was passed by a really drab and dated Ford, driven by 'Mr Average'. As the vehicle went past me (I was doing about 65mph and the Ford was going at about 75mph) I clocked what was written on the back of this blob on four wheels, next to the word 'Focus'. Quite inappropriately, the manufacturer has decided to add the word Style.
'Fitted Sheets' do not generally perform in the way that their name suggests, and it is so disappointing that their main attribute (ie. fitting) is lacking. I would suggest that henceforth these things are renamed 'Elasticated Sheets', to avoid dissatisfaction among those who buy them expecting them to fit.
I passed an establishment in the early afternoon, one day in February, which was called 'Aspire'. Inside, I saw people sitting and supping drinks - people who quite clearly wouldn't be able to spell 'Aspire', let alone actually have any aspirations! There should be a door policy where a vetting process could exclude those whose outlook means they are less than aspirational.
...
'Fitted Sheets' do not generally perform in the way that their name suggests, and it is so disappointing that their main attribute (ie. fitting) is lacking. I would suggest that henceforth these things are renamed 'Elasticated Sheets', to avoid dissatisfaction among those who buy them expecting them to fit.
I passed an establishment in the early afternoon, one day in February, which was called 'Aspire'. Inside, I saw people sitting and supping drinks - people who quite clearly wouldn't be able to spell 'Aspire', let alone actually have any aspirations! There should be a door policy where a vetting process could exclude those whose outlook means they are less than aspirational.
...
1.3.12 This Week's TV
The weekly TV Guide presents me with an opportunity to consider the various offerings, and this week I have highlighted a few of my observations.
Saturday
6.15pm BBC1 - Pointless Celebrities
The title of this programme is absolutely perfect; rarely does any title properly reflect the nature of the show and the attributes of the participants, so it is wonderful to see this entry for the early evening. The 'Pick Of The Day' section provides a small write-up on this 55 minutes of tosh, as follows:
In this special edition, Alexander Armstrong questions a gaggle of celebrities who will be hoping to win a bundle of cash for their chosen charities. Among the competitors are Penny Smith and Jon Culshaw, Monica Galetti and Michel Roux Jr, and Christopher Biggins and Lesley Joseph.
What utter bollocks. These are, in the main, most certainly 'pointless celebrities'. When did the collective noun for celebrities become 'gaggle' then?
9.20pm ITV1 - The Jonathan Ross Show
The host subjects another trio of celebrity guests to no-holds-barred questioning.
No he fucking doesn't! He sucks up to three visiting celebrities who are plugging something, makes the whole hour more about him than them, and tries relentlessly to introduce a sexual innuendo on each and every topic of discussion. As for 'questioning', he tends to ask more than one question at once, and then get in first with the replies, so that we get his version of the answers. Tit.
Sunday
10:00am BBC2 - Something For The Weekend
This programme contained a completely shit section presented in a completely shit way on how we might consider buying three shit things. One of the shit things was a popcorn maker at a cost of £100. Fucking pathetic!
5.00pm BBC2 - Songs Of Praise
Inspired by the story of Noah's Ark, Aled Jones visits a zoo and introduces hymns and songs in celebration of Creation.
This entry is hilarious! I dare not say any more, as the whole concept for the programme is pure gold, and this one sentence is divine.
6.00pm BBC2 - I'm In A Boy Band
Contributions come from members of the Four Tops, the Jackson Five and One Direction. If we had some input from the Three Little Pigs and Tupac, that would give us 5-4-3-2-1.
9.00pm BBC1 - Upstairs Downstairs
Have a go at my multiple choice questions, and see how you do.
Having learnt she can't have any more children, Lady Agnes throws herself into
a) Hosting a dinner party
b) The path of a bus
c) The River Thames
Meanwhile, Lady Persie finds herself in a
a) Perilous situation
b) Penniless situation
c) Brothel
Sadly, the answer in both cases is a) but any of the other options would, I feel, have provided for better viewing, or in my case, some viewing at all!
Monday
12.15pm Channel 5 - The Removal Men: Pickfords
A 76-yard house-move proves surprisingly troublesome.
Does this really warrant an hour of our fucking lives?
3.10pm FILM: Channel 5 - Killer Flood: The Day The Dam Broke
I wonder what this could be about?
6.30pm BBC2 - My Life In Books
Anne Robinson asks a brace of celebs to reveal their favourite books, and explain why they are so important to them.
Since when do celebrities come in 'braces' then? What complete misuse of a term, and I am talking about this word rather than my usual criticism of the use of 'celebrities' for well-known people. The abbreviated 'celebs' is cringeworthy.
Tuesday
10.00am BBC1 - Homes Under The Hammer
Properties in Somerset, Dover and Norfolk.
Why there is more specificity with the second location (instead of saying 'Kent') I don't quite understand. More of a shame is that this programme is not about demolition, but auctions.
11.30am BBC1 - Cowboy Trap
A couple in Ipswich whose house was ruined.
I kid you not; this is indeed the line used to tell us about the programme. It is not a sentence. It makes no sense at all, and I am asking (with little interest, I must say) "What about the couple in Ipswich, whose house was ruined?"
2.15pm BBC2 - Weakest Link
Back-stabbing general knowledge quiz.
This description is misleading; if only the offering did include back-stabbing, because this would make it much more entertaining!
7.30pm ITV1 - River Monsters
Jeremy Wade enlists the supernatural help of a local witch doctor to catch a specimen of the ferocious Goliath tiger fish in the Congo River.
I think that Jeremy should 'wade' in, and stay there - leave these fucking fish be, you nuisance!
Wednesday
2.00pm ITV1 - Dickinson's Real Deal
Dickinson and the team visit Swindon, Wiltshire, where the best deal of the day is a gold charm bracelet.
What a dire summary of what would like to suck from you a whole hour of your life. I don't need to be told Swindon is in Wiltshire, thank you, and a gold charm bracelet is a fucking gold charm bracelet - it's not a deal! The selling of it at a certain price might well make it a good deal for someone, but you cannot say the bracelet itself is a deal.
Thursday
5.15pm BBC1 - Pointless
Quiz show hosted by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman.
This entry nicely compliments Saturday's one regarding the celebrity version. The TV Guide is set out so that there is no line break, and so it reads "Pointless Quiz show . . . . . "
Friday
8.00pm BBC2 - Mastermind
Specialist subjects include Queen Victoria's family and the sitcom Porridge.
What a weird contrast and a sad reflection on what society now has to accept as laudable.
8.00pm Channel 5 - Eddie Stobart: Trucks And Trailers
This programme is laughable, with the way it builds up drama and suspense over trivial matters. Delivery blokes with big vehicles move around the roads, doing their jobs. The 'Pick Of The Day' section notes an intriguing part of this week's hour-long haul [see what I did there?]
Lee has to drive seven miles from the northwest London depot. And he's doing that three times a day, for two whole days, in order to pick up no fewer than 64 boxes. Haulage doesn't get tougher than this.
...
Saturday
6.15pm BBC1 - Pointless Celebrities
The title of this programme is absolutely perfect; rarely does any title properly reflect the nature of the show and the attributes of the participants, so it is wonderful to see this entry for the early evening. The 'Pick Of The Day' section provides a small write-up on this 55 minutes of tosh, as follows:
In this special edition, Alexander Armstrong questions a gaggle of celebrities who will be hoping to win a bundle of cash for their chosen charities. Among the competitors are Penny Smith and Jon Culshaw, Monica Galetti and Michel Roux Jr, and Christopher Biggins and Lesley Joseph.
What utter bollocks. These are, in the main, most certainly 'pointless celebrities'. When did the collective noun for celebrities become 'gaggle' then?
9.20pm ITV1 - The Jonathan Ross Show
The host subjects another trio of celebrity guests to no-holds-barred questioning.
No he fucking doesn't! He sucks up to three visiting celebrities who are plugging something, makes the whole hour more about him than them, and tries relentlessly to introduce a sexual innuendo on each and every topic of discussion. As for 'questioning', he tends to ask more than one question at once, and then get in first with the replies, so that we get his version of the answers. Tit.
Sunday
10:00am BBC2 - Something For The Weekend
This programme contained a completely shit section presented in a completely shit way on how we might consider buying three shit things. One of the shit things was a popcorn maker at a cost of £100. Fucking pathetic!
5.00pm BBC2 - Songs Of Praise
Inspired by the story of Noah's Ark, Aled Jones visits a zoo and introduces hymns and songs in celebration of Creation.
This entry is hilarious! I dare not say any more, as the whole concept for the programme is pure gold, and this one sentence is divine.
6.00pm BBC2 - I'm In A Boy Band
Contributions come from members of the Four Tops, the Jackson Five and One Direction. If we had some input from the Three Little Pigs and Tupac, that would give us 5-4-3-2-1.
9.00pm BBC1 - Upstairs Downstairs
Have a go at my multiple choice questions, and see how you do.
Having learnt she can't have any more children, Lady Agnes throws herself into
a) Hosting a dinner party
b) The path of a bus
c) The River Thames
Meanwhile, Lady Persie finds herself in a
a) Perilous situation
b) Penniless situation
c) Brothel
Sadly, the answer in both cases is a) but any of the other options would, I feel, have provided for better viewing, or in my case, some viewing at all!
Monday
12.15pm Channel 5 - The Removal Men: Pickfords
A 76-yard house-move proves surprisingly troublesome.
Does this really warrant an hour of our fucking lives?
3.10pm FILM: Channel 5 - Killer Flood: The Day The Dam Broke
I wonder what this could be about?
6.30pm BBC2 - My Life In Books
Anne Robinson asks a brace of celebs to reveal their favourite books, and explain why they are so important to them.
Since when do celebrities come in 'braces' then? What complete misuse of a term, and I am talking about this word rather than my usual criticism of the use of 'celebrities' for well-known people. The abbreviated 'celebs' is cringeworthy.
Tuesday
10.00am BBC1 - Homes Under The Hammer
Properties in Somerset, Dover and Norfolk.
Why there is more specificity with the second location (instead of saying 'Kent') I don't quite understand. More of a shame is that this programme is not about demolition, but auctions.
11.30am BBC1 - Cowboy Trap
A couple in Ipswich whose house was ruined.
I kid you not; this is indeed the line used to tell us about the programme. It is not a sentence. It makes no sense at all, and I am asking (with little interest, I must say) "What about the couple in Ipswich, whose house was ruined?"
2.15pm BBC2 - Weakest Link
Back-stabbing general knowledge quiz.
This description is misleading; if only the offering did include back-stabbing, because this would make it much more entertaining!
7.30pm ITV1 - River Monsters
Jeremy Wade enlists the supernatural help of a local witch doctor to catch a specimen of the ferocious Goliath tiger fish in the Congo River.
I think that Jeremy should 'wade' in, and stay there - leave these fucking fish be, you nuisance!
Wednesday
2.00pm ITV1 - Dickinson's Real Deal
Dickinson and the team visit Swindon, Wiltshire, where the best deal of the day is a gold charm bracelet.
What a dire summary of what would like to suck from you a whole hour of your life. I don't need to be told Swindon is in Wiltshire, thank you, and a gold charm bracelet is a fucking gold charm bracelet - it's not a deal! The selling of it at a certain price might well make it a good deal for someone, but you cannot say the bracelet itself is a deal.
Thursday
5.15pm BBC1 - Pointless
Quiz show hosted by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman.
This entry nicely compliments Saturday's one regarding the celebrity version. The TV Guide is set out so that there is no line break, and so it reads "Pointless Quiz show . . . . . "
Friday
8.00pm BBC2 - Mastermind
Specialist subjects include Queen Victoria's family and the sitcom Porridge.
What a weird contrast and a sad reflection on what society now has to accept as laudable.
8.00pm Channel 5 - Eddie Stobart: Trucks And Trailers
This programme is laughable, with the way it builds up drama and suspense over trivial matters. Delivery blokes with big vehicles move around the roads, doing their jobs. The 'Pick Of The Day' section notes an intriguing part of this week's hour-long haul [see what I did there?]
Lee has to drive seven miles from the northwest London depot. And he's doing that three times a day, for two whole days, in order to pick up no fewer than 64 boxes. Haulage doesn't get tougher than this.
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