27.1.19 Dancing On Thin Ice

Here we go again, another 2-hour session of - mediocrity blended with utter shite, cliches and patronising crap - all mixed with pointless utterances.

James Jordan 31.5

"What a way to start the show," said Phil, right on cue.  Apparently James was "on point" according to Christopher Dean. 

Saara Aalto 27.0

Steady and safe, a careful routine with a fair amount in it.  Her positive approach is commendable, not that I could cope with her myself - probably because I am too lazy.  Banjo said nothing of interest, and Jason told her she was thinking of "little finesses".  "It's about your flow over the ice," said Christopher Dean.  So, skating then . . . . .

Ryan Sidebottom - Couldn't dance this week


Didi Conn 18.5

For 67 years of age, she is certainly rather agile.  But how then should she be judged, in comparison with skaters who are actually trying to move around under their own steam?  A sweet old woman?  How, though, is it feasible to assess the performance? 

Gemma Collins 16.5

Her mum is much bigger than her!  Gemma went up and down, pointlessly - then face-planted!  "She is skating now," said her partner.  Errrrr, face first?  They all pandered for her - fuck knows why.

Melody Thornton 32.5

Very good!  She did a lot of skating with some rather good moves.  Wow! 

Wes Nelson 29.5

A good skater, no doubt.  Jason said "appree-see-ate" and pissed me off.  It was a good performance, despite a couple of minor issues.

Brian McFadden 24.0

A bit better than last time, so worth the extra points.  Jason mentioned "finessing" and I yawned. 

Saira Khan 24.0

The queen of melodrama annoyed in the VT, and then it was the performance.  Better than last week for sure, and I mentioned this to Mrs MWSC.  "She's still got the grace of a slug." said Mrs MWSC.
She is so loud it's frightening, and of course annoying as fuck. 

Jane Danson 21.5

A sack of spuds being carted around, I'd say.  What a disaster.  Line dancing is a dire theme at the best of times.  "Awkward body positions," said Banjo, rather generously. 


All the skaters were on screen for the review as the voting closed - except Gemma Collins, again.  She wasn't there last week either.  Too many allowances are being made for this tosser.

We had an update on Gemma Collins from her other half, to ensure even more pandering to the woman.

She got through, of course, because this show is not about dancing on ice, ironically.  Didi and Saaaaara in the skate off, it turned out.  Hardly any doubt regarding the winner, so putting the kettle on was not going to deprive me of anything.

So there we have it, a 67-year-old magnanimously leaves the show after skating rather better than a self-obsessed twat who face planted on ice.

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24.1.19 Liam Fox Speaks

Listening to Radio 4 this week, I was utterly appalled to hear Liam Fox being interviewed, and struggling to speak English.  Not only was his view on Brexit utter bollocks, he was unable to pronounce . . . . . initiate.

That's right, a simple 8-letter word managed to scramble his brain to the point where he completely failed to manage the third of four syllables.

He contrived the following:

IN - I - SEE - ATE

What a fucking joke.

20.1.19 Dancing On Ice - More Moronic Mess

Two hours and ten minutes this week, which suggests an improved level of content and efficiency while at the same time confirming that the two-hour running time for the last two weeks, for half the number of competitors was a criminal piece of ITV scheduling.

Dodo 16.5

The not quite extinct Didi Conn is sixty-seven years old, so in many respects she cannot be blamed for offering so little on the ice.  Her forte seems to be being hauled around and lifted.  In summary, she is being patronised by all around her.  Her highest score so far, claimed Schofield, not a hard task considering this was her second outing.  Her task was to incorporate three spins during the routine, and she managed just two, Chris told us all.  Banjo congratulated her for performing well "week in and week out" - this was her second cunting 90 second skate!

Jane Danson 20

She was carted around the ice a bit more this time, and her first skate was a bit better.  Jason wanted regret, remorse and a few other things to have shown while she was going round the rink, and he apparently didn't see all that . . . . the guy is no doubt overly-opinionated and permanently in danger of twatishness.  Jason seems to have a bit of a downer on Jane.

Richard Blackwood  18

An unmemorable performance if ever there was one.  The only interest was that Carlotta, his professional dance partner, is tiny and good to watch.

Saara Aalto  26

Very good; she took some risks in dancing solo for decent periods, and moved quickly compared with the others. 

Brian McFadden 22

He spent so much of the routine picking her up, dropping her, and generally chucking his partner, Alex, around.  "Brian, when you lift your partner, you've got to make sure she's landed before you let go of her."  Excellent advice from Jayne Torvill.

James Jordan 27

Although I understand that the "ice" part is new to him, James has a clear advantage in terms of dance ability and performance, so he should indeed be getting good scores.

Saira Khan 18.5

Continuing to annoy, Saira again made reference to being Asian rather needlessly, and after her first performance when she was lugged around like luggage, she this time contributed very little - again  It was a weak effort all round, and after being overly rewarded last week, she was this time ..... overly rewarded!  She has an inflated view of herself.  "It felt Mark was moving you around the ice," said Ashley Banjo.  Yes, indeed, and she managed two spins, not three.  "At some point, there's going to be some solo skating," said Chris Dean, warning her appropriately that she needs to start skating.

Ryan Sidebottom 19

Last week he was very slow, and was always going to feature in the skate off.  He survived because xxx was worse, and both Dodo and Gemma Collins have enough fans (why?) to vote and save them.  This time, Ryan was dressed as the Beast as his Partner (Beauty) flitted around him. It was a tame effort, but better than last week.

Wes Nelson 29.5

Very confident.  They perhaps tried to put a bit too much into the lifts at the end, but he went for it.  Consistent scores from all judges.  I am still struggling to work out how a Love Island contestant is a "celebrity" but then he's not alone in being in such a position; the term is a joke these days.

Gemma Collins 13

A complete fucking joke of a "performance".  She did fuck all cunting skating!  A fair voting approach would have been 6 points.  "It's great that you turned up and are here," said Banjo, and that says it all - commenting on attendance rather than skating.  What an unpleasant waste of space, and utterly horrible personality.  Sadly she still has a good chance of getting through because arseholes addicted to ITVBe will vote for her.  This is everything that's wrong about these shows.

Melody Chapman 20.5

3.5 from Jason and 6 each from T and D, so Jason, who wants people to really go for it, marks them down.  The Jason, you wanker!  You gave 3 points to the walrus who did fuck all skating!

Matt Chapman 3.5

The compere talked shit to a phenomenal level this week, and we all had to suffer the drivel he delivered at an unacceptably noisy and nauseous level.


At the round up and recap ahead of the voting closing, 10 of the 11 entrants were on camera to chat with Phil and Holly; missing was the Essex fridge.

The voting was a complete joke, as Richard and Saira were left to skate against each other for survival.  I have no wish to see (and hear, because she shouts rather than talks) Saira again, but for Collins to have survived demonstrates 100% why the format for these shows is so massively fucked up beyond belief.

Richard was quite slow, but then again was expected to lift Carlotta all over the place.  Meanwhile, Saira was quite content to be the one lifted, so she had less to do.  Lots of holding on and imitation of a Garfield sticking to a car window. 

Jason saved Richard
Banjo saved Richard
Dean the twat saved Saira
Torvill did the cuntin same, with the casting vote

What a wanking load of crap!

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19.1.19 Shopping in the UK

How can retailers defend their approaches to the public when their antics are so deplorable?  There are far too many examples of poor behaviour, conning people and offers that are simply not offers at all.

The Co-op

The Co-operative has a weird interpretation of what constitutes a 'Clearance' offer, and provides numerous and regular examples of stupidity.  The one shown here is for a fajita kit at the exact same price it is normally sold at.  The sticker is simply a wish on the Co-op's part to clear stuff for their own benefit.

B&Q

How the DIY store management decided that a two pence 'saving' from an alleged usual selling price of a ludicrous £1.02 was worth drawing our attention to, and the printing of a 'clearance' sign is beyond me, and any other sane person.  Pathetic indeed, B&Q.

Asda

This really is the mustard.  The 100g jar is £1.10, and next to it, Asda has decided that 170g is worth 85p, less than half the price, yet it's not actually "on offer".  Madness.

The Co-op

A recent sore throat caused me to consider buying something to ease the annoyance, and I looked at the options - and the prices of course.  I have never been much of a fan of Honey and Lemon, so I tend to gravitate to fruit flavours or menthol.  It was a massive revelation to see that a single fucking sweet is now 19 cunting pence!  The country has gone fucking mad.

Jacob's Club / McVitie's

The well-known chocolate biscuit does not give us quite as much chocolate on our biscuit as was once the case.  Further than that disappointment is the inability of the manufacturer to cover the fucking biscuit in a wrapper.  The cost-cutting shenanigans have extended so far that there is now insufficient foil paper to reach all the way around the biscuit, even allowing for the thinner layer of chocolate, and consequent reduction in girth!  The missing foil is hidden behind the outer coloured wrapper denoting the flavour.  What a poor show.

Asda's Pictoral Claim

Asda's Reality

It probably comes as no surprise to see these images, but that's no reason to excuse such blatant misrepresentation.

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19.1.19 The Voice UK

Sadly The Voice UK has degenerated massively, and the biggest factor is undoubtedly the fact that ITV airs the show.  When it was on BBC1, there was a sense that the important element in play was the voices of the fucking entrants.  These days, it's completely about the judges, their egos and their antics.  A poor show indeed for the people hoping for a chance to go somewhere (not that anyone winning the show ever actually gets anywhere).

I have tonight watched the programme at the behest of Mrs MWSC and so at 8:00pm it got underway.  I have just started typing, after having watched Olly Murs sing (as if we don't know what his fucking voice is like already) and a time-check reveals it is 8:50pm and we have seen just FOUR fucking people taking part!

It's not about 'The Voice', it's about the four judges, and adverts.  Three of the first four got through - should have been just two.  It's a painful experience watching this shit.

"I almost went then," said Tom Jones, after no one turned for a woman.  I wish he fucking had.

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13.1.19 Dancing On Ice Farce

The ITV schedules for last Sunday and today have taken the piss out of the viewers.  Two hours devoted on both days, for some ice skating by so-called 'celebrities'.  I am forced to use the inverted commas simply because there is no way some of the entrants should be referred to as celebrities.  What the cunting fuck about being on Love Island makes you a celebrity?

                                Musk Ox                      Gemma Collins

The format is a joke.  Six two minute dances for each show means twelve minutes of fucking dancing on ice.  With some allowance for the training VT and marking, then an hour would have been fine for the whole thing, each week.  But no, there was no such protection for us from the painful stretching out of the whole process.

Jason Gardner is a dick, of course, and Phil Schofield's best contributions were arguably in the voice-over for the We By Any Car adverts in the numerous/relentless commercial breaks.

What a painful four hours that all was.

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5.1.19 'Festive' As Ever

As usual, the 'peak' day for use of the term 'Festive' in the TV Guide was Christmas Eve.  This year, there has been no let up in the annoying use of the word, and after four years of reviewing the pathetic vocabulary of the creators of the TV Guide, I find that the serving up of this shit is consistent and relentless.

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