14.6.17 Stage Musicals

DEFINITION:

People who can't really sing, singing songs that aren't really songs, about stuff no one gives a shit about.

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11.6.17 Three Women Fuck-up

It is clear for all to see that the fuck-ups in recent weeks have seen the UK inflect self-harm at a phenomenal level.  The election result was a surprise to the arrogant Mrs May, and most Tories.  The view was (no doubt) that she could march ahead and get a massive majority, and that she had the leeway and freedom to piss off pensioners, the disabled and the vulnerable along the way. That level of arrogance had to be punished - and it was.  Theresa May, useless twat, fucked it big time.  She is a woman who fucked things big time.

On the other side of the political divide, Jeremy Corbyn, a deluded wreck of a person, has managed to create a manifesto that was dreamland in economic terms, but was a tactical masterstroke.  The young were bribed, and the slogan of 'for the many, not the few' was equally well considered.  JC winning a majority would have been a disaster for the UK - and yet there is some weird romantic view being peddled that he was the real winner, and but for a couple of thousand well-placed votes, would have taken office as PM and saved the day.  Sorry, but this is a farcical notion.

The thing that saved the UK from a Corbyn victory was perhaps his belligerence regarding the retention of the dubious services of Diane Abbott. His decision to keep her on board displayed a definite error of judgement to match many of his other poor decisions over the years, to support all manner of dangerous and awful people.  Make no mistake, the diabolical human that is Diane Abbott brought nothing but damage to the Labour Party.  She single-handedly  managed to reduce the Labour vote by enough to keep the Tories in power.  So, she is the second woman who fucked things big time.

The third in the trio of fuck-ups is the Scottish Faux Pas.  Yes, if it were not for Nicola Sturgeon's obsession with touting the independence issue and another referendum in Scotland, then there is absolutely no doubt that the Tories would not have gained 12 seats in Scotland.  Tories will be glad of Nicola's obsession, while the SNP and Labour will be frustrated at that approach.  The whole Scottish Independence palaver has ensured that the Tories have the chance to create a majority if the DUP plays ball.  That option should not be open to the Conservatives at all, but it is, because of |Nicola Sturgeon, who is the third woman who fucked things big time.

The irony here is that Arlene Foster fucked up big time a while ago, with the fuel scheme in Northern Ireland, and the bill that topped half a billion pounds.  On her watch, there was a fuck-up.  Now, as the Tories try to step the nightmare of a Labour administration, she is the woman who fucked up, but may now be a desperate solution for May, one of the trio of women who fucked up!

This country is FUCKED - Never has FUBAR been more appropriately ascribed to the situation.  In the coming weeks, we are as a nation expected to make a case to the EU negotiators for some recognition as an economy that is worth keeping links with.  Having dropped from 5th to 6th, the UK is now deciding it should cut its foot off before engaging in pointless discussions that will see the alleged "will of the people" carried out.  I say this with a tinge of regret, not least because the referendum vote on the EU issue one year ago was the most flawed proposition put before voters that could have been conceived.  Sadly, not enough younger voters bothered back in June 2016 - perhaps if they had rallied round to the levels that Corbyn seems to invigorate, the outcome would have been rather better.

I have stolen the above from a friend (thank you YH) because it demonstrates the real situation.  The 'young' may well applaud JC, but if we had enthused them enough at an earlier stage, they'd not be facing a departure from the EU and a waiting pile of grief.  The younger voters will have to suffer the longest. They are not aware of the consequences that the EU referendum outcome will have, nor are they suitably aware of the pain that a Labour administration under Corby would mean for the economy, or the fortunes of the United Kingdom.  It is perhaps worth drawing a parallel - the £350 million per week that was touted as a potential contribution to the NHS if the UK left the EU was a joke; the figure was £160 million, and that level of cash benefit is irrelevant if the country loses many billions in terms of economic fortune because of a silly outcome.  It's like getting a pay rise of £1 per hour, but having your mortgage increased by £50,000 or your rent upped by £100 per week.

The UK is a joke, and we will spiral yet further before we hit rock bottom. Theresa May was a poor, poor representative of the Conservatives, and they are all now paying the price.  Corbyn ran a good campaign, aided and abetted by the BBC and its usual bias towards the leftism that it covets and strokes. Sturgeon fucked it as badly as May.  The Scottish Conservatives did well, and saved the skin of the blues in this election.  Abbott was (as ever) a disaster.

The desperate time that are now in full swing will see instability, delusion from the left, delusion from the right, and despair from the masses who have engaged politically at great levels for one, and yet will be frustrated.  It is the right of the Tories to limp on, and this is probably the best thing to do in the circumstances.  If Cameron had not been o keen to call the vote on Brexit, then his fuck-up would not now linger as a main issue in tactics being considered by the Tories.  The Brexit talks are colouring things in a way that the UK General Election could have done without.

Stopping a Labour win was essential.  Bloodying May's nose was essential. Confirming the UKIP irrelevance was essential.  Telling Sturgeon to shut up about independence was essential.  It is now essential that the UK gives proper consideration to Brexit and the negotiations.  It is also essential that instead of gaining a pathetic and flawed Labour administration, the younger voters are rewarded with a Brexit that is sensible and not so cunting fucking hard that May could sharpen a tooth on it!

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8.6.17 Graph Paper Grief

On Saturday, I tried to buy some graph paper.  This ought to have been a relatively simple task, but how wrong can one person be?

My ideal outcome would have been to acquire a few sheets, probably rolled up, of A1 size, and I was expecting to pay a pound or so for each.  This objective seemed reasonable on Saturday morning, but it was short lived aspiration.

The stationery on offer in the bargain shops included nothing at all with squares on, of any size.  I was not too surprised, and deflected any mild disappointment based on going to the shop that sells books, art supplies and other assorted stuff.  Here, I found canvasses, loads of art-related items and paper of every type except 'graph'.  I was annoyed at the discrimination exercised by the procurement people associated with The Works.  I went over to WH Smith and expected a result; the only concern I had was what size graph paper I might be able to obtain.

The wankers had fuck all!  Historically famed for its stationery, Smiths has let itself go badly.  The cunts hadn't even an A4 pad of the stuff!  I was stumped, and had not realised that the commodity was so difficult to come by.  I rather suspect that obtaining cannabis is easier than getting hold of graph paper.

On Tuesday, I was in the vicinity of a retail park where I'd previously found a Staples store.  With a sense of confidence, I drove there to find Office Outlet where the Staples used to be.  "Oh well," I thought to myself, "that'll do."  This hangar-sized building would surely provide me with some squared paper.

Inside, I aimed for the area that looked promising, and found an area that denied any cunting promise at all.  I was the only customer in the shop, and I piqued the curiosity of a woman who was cleaning a display of something no one could possibly want.  She asked if she could help and after mentioning graph paper, a concerned look stretched her features unattractively.  I followed as she decided to lead me back to the front desk, where the other two staff members were achieving very little.  After a rummage in a metal bin holding tubes of wrapping paper, she checked with one of the other women, along the lines of: "didn't we have some graph paper in this bin?"  Apparently it had not all gone, as two rather crumpled tubes were located underneath a great bit fucking machine.

I was presented with two A2 sheets, each rolled in a thin polythene sleeve, bearing a barcode and a £1.50 price tag.  I was not impressed, but in the circumstances had very little choice.  I mentioned I was hoping for a larger size, and the first of the staff suggested I might try Hobbycraft.  So with all the frustration of a clitless cunt, I produced the three pounds, and left the store, deciding that obtaining these two sheets would serve as a back-up.

Hobbycraft was one of the large stores on the retail park, and I pulled up outside just two minutes later.  Inside, there was 18.5 tonnes of complete shit, and zero ounces of paper marked with squares. This was simply ten minutes wasted.  The Hobbycunts had decided there was no call for graph paper.

Never could I have envisaged such difficulty in locating graph paper.

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3.6.17 BGT Final - Preview

BGT is the generally accepted abbreviation, but of course BGASS is a recognised alternative - standing for Britain's Got A Sob Story.  Yes, the 'talent' element is not always a necessity, and in many cases it is those with some sort of back story who get a bit more attention than those with talent.

Let's clear the air by dealing with my usual irritation regarding hordes (or should that perhaps be herds) of people claiming to be choirs.  This year we have been stampeded by numerous collectives. This very week, 41 desperate kids trotted out some Disney shite as a young woman in charge provided semaphore while keeping her back to the audience.  Generally speaking, a choir induces immediate boredom.  'Talent' is simply NOT demonstrated by a large number of people wailing together.

In the final we have the Missing People Choir.  Fortunately this is the only act that involves numerous contributions to an overall noise.  Unfortunately the sob story has so far overridden ANY proper attention to the notion of 'talent'.  Last night, in the last semi-final, the choir came second and secured its place in tonight's final.  The standard of singing what quite simply awful.  The soloist kicked us off with a warbling wail that must have grated in the minds of all the other choirs who had members who could sing!  I appreciate that the parents of missing people will suffer enormously, and this is certainly a situation that deserves attention - but not on a talent show.  Raising awareness is the new preoccupation with those forcing upon us a particular agenda.  I would be all for BGT sponsoring the cause, but not in rewarding non-talent within the show.

Alesha muttered on about BGT being a great platform for worthy causes, and I swore at the television.  The next choir will consist of members without arms and legs (irony intended) pulling themselves on to the stage by their tongues, and singing (badly) a cover of the Beach Boys' I Get Around, and expecting applause, plus safe passage to the final.  BGT is a plaform for fucking TALENT, Alesha!

I am enormously grateful that the lineup for the final includes just two kids. One, Issy, is a magician who is clearly taught her tricks and presents them on stage with a level of expertise and sweetness that has assured her kudos and appreciation.  The other, Ned, is an irritating 'comedian' who is clearly taught his jokes and presents them on stage with a level of twatishness and smugness that has assured him of my personal dislike.  I blame the parents completely.

The Pensionalities are Henry and Malcom, 84 and 75 respectively, and neither can sing to any standard above 'dire'.  I do not begrudge them their chance of attention, but can we please get serious? There is no 'talent' involved here. Nice chaps, funny, and you'd be happy if either was your granddad - but how the fuck are these two in the final of BGT?

Amanda Holden, aged 46 / IQ 46, has presented herself with a 'style' all of her own.  The pout last night was carp-like.

Moses did a worse job in parting the Red Sea than Amanda's effort in separating her ironed tits.  I suppose she is trying to compete with Alesha Dixon in the glamour stakes, and no one has told her not to bother.

Mersey Girls - a decent enough group of girls dancing around.  However, no one could possibly deny that if one of them (Julia) did not have scoliosis, then making it through to the final would have been unthinkable.  So here again, BGASS has triumphed.  I am simply making the point here that the decision-making processes in play are fickle in relation to 'talent'.

Sarah Ikumu, the 16-year-old shrieking, wailing, annoying, in-your-face and in-your-ears probable wildcard is simply an affront to singing.  Having a good voice is one thing, but knowing how to use it is another. The relentless assault on our ears in the audition was more than enough (much more) to demonstrate a good voice.  Sadly, where there was an opportunity for her to sing a song well in the semi-final, she chose to ram down our ears yet again an awful train-wreck of a racket.  The unoriginal choice of Purple Rain was tiresome, but the delivery was unattractive.  At the time of writing, the wildcard is unknown, and I have my fingers crossed it is not her.

I was so pleased when Tokio got the win, and she was left to try and comprehend how her sense of entitlement counted for nowt. The public vote had decided her noise was not worthy of input.  The rallying claims that people must have "thought she was safe" were trotted out by all and sundry, with no one actually daring to suggest her approach to singing was aggressive rather than enjoyable.

Daliso Chaponda - very funny and a worthy winner
Ned Woodman - annoying, and irritating in the extreme
Tokio Myers - lovely bloke and amazingly talented
The Pensionalities - yawn
Mersey Girls - nice people who can dance
Issy Simpson - learns her lines and tricks well
Kyle Tomlinson - good singer
Missing People Choir - yawn
Matt Edwards - talented but simply not sure what i think
DNA - very good

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3.6 17 Horrendous Cunting English

Once again the pride must continue their search.  [David Attenborough making a pride plural]

These zebra are almost at the end of their journey.  [David at it again - 'zebra' is not plural!]

There were no mention of . . . [Tom Simons, BBC News]

What the enquiry say is . . . [Sanchia Berg, Radio 4]

Spectaculy.  [Radio 4 idiot reporter, missing a syllable and a brain]

But have Russia done enough?  [Garry Richardson on Radio 4]

Sins Fein is celebrating their best performance . . . [Kate Silverton talking shit]

It finds its way into all sorts of arena.  [Unknown idiot - pathetic news reporting, making 'arena' plural]

The selection criteria was very hard.  [Vicky Holland on Radio 4]

There is really quite good chances.  [Vicky Holland again]

To go through these sequence of questions.  [Sarah Montague on Radio 4]

Sofits and Facias.  [Rick Woodall Building Services Ltd van livery; he is unable to spell either word]

They have one of Hollywood's most longest marriages . . . . the couple have almost been married for 30 years.  [Daily Mail Online, with a double error; should be "have been married for almost 30 years"]

It hasn't sunken in yet.  [Tanya on The Voice]

It looks like the team are about to start their warm up.  [Screw Fix advert]

It's a pictoral journey.  [Idiot on Radio 4]

A bunch of 27 flowers were taken to a nearby care home.  [Daily Mail]

Every one of the 100 senators were called in.  [Nick Robinson on Radio 4]


And finally, the decline of the adverb is sadly relentless, as twats completely misuse the language with in most cases not a fucking shred of awareness.  We have, for example:

"Living healthier"

Living healthier what?  Lives?  Yes, that would make sense and be grammatically correct.  However, the cunt on TV narrating the advert meant "Living healthily" or "Living more healthily".  I despair.

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3.6.17 Quotes of Note

I've lived here all my life; I moved here when I was seven.  [Danny Flynn on Radio 4]

The ceasefire on Monday has led to a significant reduction in hostilities.  [No shit Sherlock! Radio 4 News]

What should we know about Fanny?  [Mishal Husain on Today, Radio 4]

I'm fed up with all these piano-fingered ladies fussing around Fanny. [Sheila Hayman on Radio 4, talking about Mendelssohn]

Always keep away from children.  [Persil advert]

Bush, everyone!  Cracking performance.  [Emma Willis]

I don't agree with barbecues.  [TMWSC]

He's in the shallow end, paddling like a twat.  [TMWSC]

I really don't like people I don't like.  [TMWSC]

He's not Carl Sagan, is he!  [TMWSC, regarding xyz on his presenting of a property programme]

He's left a whole bunch of air.  [David Coulthard, inventing a new way of measuring air]

A good chunk of points.  [Lee McKenzie, talking shit on Channel 4 Gand Prix interview]

I find him strange.  [Mother of TMWSC talking to Mrs MWSC about Father of TMWSC]

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3.6.17 Football Mumbo Jumbo

Now that we are done with football for a while, it is time to post some of the rubbish uttered by pundits and commentators.  Jermaine is starting to rival Alan Shearer and Andy Townsend as the master of bollocks, in the world of punditry and illiteracy.  Here is a sprinkling of football quotes and you will note some Jenas jewels in the mix.


Two chances at either end.  [At EACH end - football commentator]

A chance either side of the break.  [EACH side of the break - same commentator]

Things were going so smooth.  [Jermaine Jenas, smoothly doing it]]

The players in and around him enjoy his leadership.  [Jermaine Jenas - players in him?]

To put it plainly simple . . . [Jermaine Jenas]

As early as this chance has came.  [Jermaine Jenas - not coming good anytime soon]

They are easy picked up.  [Jermaine Jenas, fucking up so easily]

It's took that early pressure out of the game.  [Jermaine Jenas, taken with the play]

Almost an identical replica of the last goal.  [MOTD commentator]

It's comparable with other clubs in and around them.  [Alan Shearer]

Give a little go.  [Alan shearer, meaning a little give and go]

He scored an absolute fantastic goal.  [Phil Neville in need of an LY]

I think him himself has said that.  [Alan Shearer]

He had an absolute fantastic chance.  [Phil Neville, still missing the LY]

It's a great area for scoring goals.  [Martin Keown, referring to the six-yard box]

They watched teams drop points in and around them.  [Shearer classic - WTF?]

They shouldn't be getting beat.  [Dion Dublin, refusing to speak Engish]

Referees are letting go of it.  [Martin Keown, trying to say "referees are letting it go"]

He does it with a plum.  [Trevor Sinclair, reinventing "aplomb"]

Burnley are one of a number of football clubs . . . [Gary Lineker]

Them centre backs have to go wide.  [Phil Neville]

I never thought anything like this was capable.  [Idiot co-commentator on BT Sport]

If we do get beat . . . [Jermaine Jenas]

His talent is unlimitless.  [Lee Dixon, talking bollocks]

He's gonna stay in and around where he is.  [Ian Wright]

He struck it unbelievable.  [Phil Neville, who else?]

No one in and around him at all.  [Alan Shearer]

He's always in and around him, to help out.  [Jermaine Jenas]

They had three big moments in the game that indefinitely caused them to lose the game.  [Phil Neville]


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