In the Daily Mail today, there is a feature that purports to be newsworthy, prepared by Sarah Rainey. She relays how "packing expert" Julia Hudson can help us all make the most of space when packing our hand luggage cases ahead of a holiday. The content is 80% laughable. Here are a few observations, quoting from the article, by the sections used.
Choosing a Suitable Suitcase
When it comes to size, cabin bags range from 55 x 40 x 20cm (easyJet, Ryanair. Thomas Cook) to 56 x 45 x 25cm (British Airways, Jet2, Iberia), so always check the airline first.
Er, thanks for that sterling advice, whichever one of you thought we ought to "check". If either of you had actually checked, you would have found that, for example, easyJet measurements are in fact 56 x 45 x 25cm. Hypocrites!
"I've been caught out before, and the fine for checking in your hand luggage can be up to £45," says Julia.
So you are not really any sort of expert, or someone we ought to take advice from, then!
I opted for the Marks & Spencer Scorpion case (£89). This has a capacity of 40 litres, weighs under 3 kilos and measures 55 x 35 x 23cm, making it small enough for even the strictest airline.
No you stupid arse - it does NOT. You have actually confirmed already that Ryanair's maximum thickness is 20cm, so this stupidly overpriced case is NOT small enough for "even the strictest airline" is it?
Stick to the List
Before you start rifling through your wardrobe, make a list of everything you need, how many of each item you want to take and what you have to buy or re-stock.
Earth-shattering advice. What about "buy a cunting pad and pen to make a list", or "always book your holiday as a first step to going away", eh?
"For things like toiletries, which you'll be using up until you travel, note these on a post-it so you don't go without them."
Thanks, Julia, for nothing at all, and thanks, Sarah, for allowing enough space to include such a pathetic piece of information.
Don't Overdo Underwear
Most people over-estimate how many bras and pants they will need, filling up entire inner pockets in their case with them. Do they really?
"Underwear doesn't need its own section in a suitcase," stresses Julia. I though she was trying to take the stress out of packing?
You'll need one pair of pants for each day of the holiday. This is comedy stuff, indeed. WTCF? *
Julia recommends stuffing pants inside shoes, while bras can be twisted, so one cup slides inside the other. I'll ignore the obvious joke about getting stuffed, and even though I don't wear one, I would need a lobotomy to leave me needing advice on how to pack a bra!
Shrink Your Make-up Essentials
You can pick up miniatures of most toiletries - shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste, deodorant and wipes - at Boots, for between 99p and £1.99. "Wow, what will they think of next," said I, from my hermit's cave.
Untangle Your Electricals
Phone and camera chargers can create a terrible tangle and take up more room than necessary. Really?
"And don't forget to pack a plug adapter for the country you're travelling to." Twat/Yawn.
Don't Forget Those Essential Basics
Julia advises keeping your travel documents in a large wallet which you can simply carry on to the plane. "I keep everything in mine - credit cards, holiday insurance, boarding pass and money," she says.
So everything together, then. Let's hope you don't lose it, or have it stolen, Julia. Happy holiday.
* What The Cunting Fuck?
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