Clarence Seedorf
A man addicted to smiling whilst saying fuck all of any real interest or any consequence. Inoffensive, though, and I suppose we must be grateful for that. Gary Lineker does his best to coax him, but Clarence adamantly refused to have any oomph at all.
Martin O'Neill
Surely there is a vacancy in a library somewhere? This man should be working in a quiet environment, putting books in order on the shelves. No way should he be on television.
Gordon Strachan
The polar opposite of Martin, Gordon Strachan manages to fire words like bullets, in volleys that assault the ears, and which offer nothing that improves anyone's understanding or enjoyment of a game. Of course, 83% of the population hasn't a fucking clue what he is on about or even says anyway.
Danny Murphy
What a boring fucker, droning on as though he's so fucking good himself. Yawn.
Alan Hansen
Surely somewhere in Europe there is space in a donkey sanctuary for Alan? He really needs to chew on some grass and chew over how on earth he's managed to last decades, while churning out shit.
Clarke Carlisle
Who? What the fuck? Annoying as fuck, and he has a desperate and strained aspect to his utterances. Someone whose commentary and input is as intesting as snow melting, and as valuable as valuable as the 'S' in Carlisle.
Robbie Savage
Quite simply a twat without anything worth listening to, and with no real qualification to be using his mouth - obviously his mind does not come into it. As for his comments of outrage when he sees a player committing a foul, it's simply preposterous that a player renowned for so long as a real 'savage' on the pitch can have any basis to be critical of others. Doing Strictly Come Dancing did NOT endear you to the nation, Robbie!
Lee Dixon
Rather predictable, but generally quite safe, even if he can never forget about Arsenal. Whilst I've no real need to hear from him at all, he rarely offends with his comments.
Martin Keown
Another Arsenal old boy, but one who can't stop telling me what players have "in their locker". There are other cliches he bandies around [well, they all do] but I do find myself wishing he'd talk less - a lot less.
Glenn Hoddle
Whose idea was it to dig him up? A pointless inclusion in any programme, let alone World Cup panel, Glenn is reminiscent of a strange uncle who no one really has much to do with, and whom no one dares ask about past misdemeanours. There's probably more of a basis for inviting Frank Bough on to the programme than Glenn. As for his grasp of the language and grammar, he has not got one.
Kevin Kilbane
Of all of them, this is the guy who should talk the least of all. In fact, I'd have concerns about his talking too much even if he took up residence in a monastery. Arghhhhh! Kevin Kil-Banal. [Banal: "so lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring"]
Thierry Henry
There is no doubt that he talks sense, does not say too much (always a blessing in the world of punditry) and speaks with a soothing voice that relaxes rather than annoys the fuck. Overall, a welcome addition to the coverage. However, all this is only the case if one can get over the fact that he denied the Republic of Ireland a place at the 2010 World Cup through a handball that should have led to his goal being disallowed. The fact that Lineker was crass enough to make a joke about it shows Lineker has a lack of judgement and taste.
Ian Wright
In the role of 'court jester', he just about makes the grade. In all other respects, there is no point in his being in Brazil - even if he paid for his own ticket [which of course he didn't].
Phil Neville
I think everything that needed to be said has been said, via Twitter and Facebook, National TV, Newspapers, Loud Haler, Radio, Carrier Pigeon and Jungle Drum. Who doesn't know just how boring his contribution can get?
Patrick Vieira
He talks some sense and as with Thierry Henry, his style and voice is relaxed enough. A very reasonable level of participation.
Mark Lawrenson
Part of the furniture for far too long, 'Mr Pessimistic' is still trotting out the one-liners and mixing in sarcasm. The amazement must surely be why the BBC maintains his lifestyle considering his lazy approach. Despite being annoyed at this relic, he does still come out with some rather risky comments. For example, when taking the piss out of Nani, and making a judgement on his attitude and approach, he said: "A promising career, ruined by a needling brain injury."
Rio Ferdinand
This buffoon should NOT be in Brazil at all. Isn't there some belated drugs test that he should be missing, back in Europe? I have no wish to hear anything he says; if this was not the case, I'd have followed him on Twitter. His public profile has been something that's been the focus of his attention for years, including when he was supposed to be playing football.
Gus Poyet
A very good manager, proven by his efforts at Brighton, and subsequently Sunderland. No doubt inspirational, and obviously passionate. In fact, I'd suggest he is a good all-rounder to have on a panel. However, there is no escaping that you have to concentrate like fuck to understand a lot of what he says. This is not a bad thing when the football has bored the arse off you and you need something to focus on, but in other circumstances, it's mildly frustrating.
Andros Townsend
Although he is a talented player, and without his injury would no doubt have been in the squad, I cannot see why he is deemed qualified to join in with the television coverage. His input is okay, but actually pointless.
Juninho
I have no idea at all why this chap was invited to participate because he has nothing to say that my friend's cat couldn't come up with, and I suspect his Brazilian passport is all that got him the gig.
Fabio Somebody-or-other-issimo
Actually, it's Fabio Cannavaro, a man who is no doubt decent and easy to like. Sadly his grasp of English is a bit too limited, and so his contribution is weak. It's not his fault that the BBC is a dumb institution that decided his skills (well, lack of them) in football punditry on British television were needed.
Gabby Logan
Why, exactly? Is she a token female, or has someone on high at the BBC decided she needed to be in Brazil for her ability? Maybe someone thought she would be the softest option to soothingly press Roy Hodgson on why he and the team were shit and set to go home early.
Alan Shearer
The sound of my vacuum cleaner holds more allure than the droning of Shearer, whose ability to speak the English language is less than either Gus Poyet, Fabio Cannavaro or Juninho! Someone should give him the elbow, just as he gave every opponent an unwanted elbow on the pitch.
Roy Keene
'Absent' - thank heavens for that piece of fantastic fortune. The last thing anyone in the UK could have done with is input of the Keene variety.
Andy Townsend
Not really a presence on screen, except in a pointless after-match exchange at the side of a pitch. Very experienced at trotting out the same old guff, including offering measurements in the new 21st century system that is based on multiples of "half a yard". He loves the sound of his own voice, and uses "in and around" like normal people use 'near', 'by' or 'in'.
Phil Vickery
Sorry, but simply not interested in anything he has to say.
Gary Lineker
Safe, predictable, sometimes glib and out-of-order, coming from a bit too much job security. Still, okay and lucky not to be on a channel where insufferable advert breaks ruin any possibility of decent coverage.
Adrian Chiles
A sitting disaster of a host, whose banality exceeds by far that of Kevin Kilbane - something that in theory should not be possible. This bumbling behemoth is unfunny, sour and immature, yet believes himself to be a 'people's man' with a great sense of humour. Delusion excels at ITV, then, along with the insistence on dumping upon us the annoying "Brasil/Brazil" music/song/nursery rhyme.
Mark Chapman
As ever, Mark struggles to get his words out, and stutters along, or more usually leaves long gaps between each word that leaves his lips. The annoying style is supported by the BBC through his continued employment. Luckily for him, Gordon Strachan is on ITV, because otherwise Gordon would fire off a few rounds in the gaps, and still have time for a fidget.
Matt Smith
The equivalent of bubble wrap, chippings or padding, Matt is really a filler for when Adrian Chiles is taking a nap. Matt is not really someone who counts - at all. Yet, he's preferable to Adrian Childlike.
Mary Berry
No, you're right, she's not in Brazil. She's fucking everywhere else though!
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