9.12.10 Security!

Do I feel more secure when travelling, what with the extra care and attention exercised by the security staff at airports now?  Do I fuck!

My recent flight with Ryanair involved the typical check-in procedure, with a transit through 'Security'.  There was no 'beep' as I walked through the metal detector doorway, so I was free to collect from the belt my small "less than 10 kilo bag measuring no more than 55x40x20cm".  However, the tray containing my belt and coat, plus see-through bag had been put to one side.  Eventually, the woman asked if it was mine and after my 'yes', proceeded to explain what the problem was.  Apparently the contents of the bag [toothpaste, soap, hand gel, cream and shampoo - all tiny in size] were not the problem.  No, it was the bag itself that was a threat to national and international security.  Anxious that she didn't escalate things to DEFCON 2 or scramble fighter jets, I asked for more information.  She said my bag was 40cm not 20cm.

I of course immediately disputed her assessment of my ziplock bag, knowing there was no way that it was a 40cm square, and did so with some amazement that if it was her job to check the size of polythene bags against a cuntin' bag index, she really ought to have a better sense of scale.  Apparently the bag must be 20cm maximum and hold no more than 1 litre.  I thought about the 50ml deodorant, 75ml toothpaste, 60ml of hand gel, 25ml of cream and tiny bar of soap, deciding that was in total less than a quarter of a litre (for both of us travelling!) and fought to resist opening the tiny tube of cream [which was 1% hydrocortisone] and smearing it over the face of the woman; clearly there was neither enough cream nor the power within it to make any impact in reducing the irritation before me.

There was no choice - I was forced to obtain a smaller sealable bag.  I disputed her claim of 40cm again, and she introduced over 30cm as a back-up position.  So, we were in the realm of 30-40cm square.  I offered to bet her £10 my bag was not that big and held out my hand.  She wouldn't take the bet (just the piss!).  I learned I'd have to buy a bag from a machine for £1, or maybe consider going to the Boots shop where they were supposedly available for 20p.  For the first time in my life I uttered the fantastic line of -

"So I've got to go to Boots and use a twenty pound note to buy a twenty pence bag to put this stuff in?"

You know her answer already, don't you.  I was saved from moving or having to further underline the incredulity with which I was absorbing this 'Fawlty Towers' moment, because the woman next to me offered a spare bag.  The transfer was made (not a flight transfer, but the passing of liquids from one fuckin' useless small bag to another even smaller fuckin' useless bag, under the eyes of the all-powerful security personnel).  The apology from the mild mannered (but nonetheless fascist) security operative was limp.  She presented me with the 'oh so large' redundant bag, saying I could have it back but couldn't put anything in it.  What a fuckin' fiasco.

For the Record

My bag was 26cm x 26cm, and would have been the cause of my failure to fly, had I not switched to the smaller bag and reduced the amount of C4 explosive that could in theory be contained within.  Of course I never shook hands, so never held out for my £10 from Mrs Ziplock.

The official bag I used (thanks to the fellow traveller) which was both sanctioned and admired by the woman in charge was actually 19cm x 19cm.  I'm sure her husband is happy, as this stupid twat thinks his 5-inch dick is 8 inches long.

PS: For anyone interested in the maths on the volume aspect -

According to Anthony C. Robin, an approximate formula for the capacity of a sealed expanded bag is:

where w is the width of the bag (the shorter dimension), h is the height (the longer dimension), and V is the maximum volume.

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