The Daily Mail on 18th December contained a thin magazine advertising various products from Lidl. Close inspection of the content revealed some rather strange information, and unusual marketing approaches. Some examples of the oddities follow.
Aluminium Coin Case £8.99
The descriptive tag stated "Ideal for coin collectors" - No shit, Sherlock! Well it'd be no cuntin' good to a potholer, would it!
Leather Wallet
"High quality leather wallet with various storage compartments for coins, debit/credit cards, bank notes and much more". What utter bollocks. First, most people rather expect a wallet to be good for storing this shit - it doesn't need to be spelled out. Second, what does the "much more" refer to? Kitchen sink? Instructions for a remote control aeroplane? Lego?
Illuminated Globe £9.99
Scale: 1:42,500,000 Size: 30cm (dia.)
Brilliant! A globe that's a bit bigger than a football, and we need to be told a scale. So, when looking at the fuckin' thing, I'm fully aware that every millimetre on the globe represent forty-two-and-a-half million millimetres in real life. What a meaningful and valuable piece of information that will make or break the sale.
Champagne Bowl £14.99
"Great for keeping your champagne or other drinks cold" I should fuckin' hope so because if it doesn't, we might as well not buy it! "Also suitable for use as a fruit bowl." Wonderful extra information, that; I'd never have thought of it without the hint. Maybe it should be noted that it could provide a template for a crappy Blackadder haircut if turned upside down and plonked on some twat's head!
Ultrasonic Cleaner £16.99
"Easy-to-read LED display" is hardly the most original selling point these days. It's not as if competitors' products all have "smudged gothic script on a blotting-paper dial, behind murky perspex" is it!
There was also a watch that was apparently "water resistant". Well, fuck me - that's saying a lot, isn't it. What does that really mean anyway? I'm water resistant! (unless I'm on holiday by the pool).
Lidl . . . . shit.
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