The 63rd Eurovision Song Contest from Portugal kicked off earlier in the week, with the semi-finals on Tuesday and Thursday. Only the hardened masochists will have tuned in for the extra shows ahead of the final, and the experiences were horrendous. Yes, the lack of singing in a 'song contest' was an absolute given - but the most mentally and aurally damaging input came from Rylan Clark and Scott Mills. Rylan's ability to talk shit, with a shitty, catty attitude, while mispronouncing words was severely under-estimated by me. Truly, I wanted to drown him in concrete. I resent part of my Licence Fee being directed towards this affected twat's pay packet. At least he's gone now, and the letter 's' being pronounced 'sh' has gone with him [
shtrobe lighting]
43 countries entered, but sadly the two semi-finals managed to whittle that down only slightly, meaning 26 got a place in the 'final'. There was room to have put a token three through from each of the semis, sending 31 home. Bizarrely the organisers thought that a certain amount of shite had a place on stage in the main event.
For the first time, Russia did not qualify for the final. It was indeed a pretty dire offering, but was in equally dire company, so would have expected to be put through. Still, hosting the World Cup trumps a crappy singing effort in a Saturday swamp of mediocrity and shite.
So here's the running order for tonight's feast of madness, strobe lighting, wailing and earache. I have decided to give each entrant a mark out of 5, although I suspect most could manage quite easily with a score out of 1.
As ever, Graham Norton is on hand to provide something by way of entertainment, so let's note the events of the annual three-and-a-half-hour marathon.
Anu Moura sang a song while a bloke played a guitar-like instrument to kick off proceedings. Unfortunately this was followed by Mariza, a woman clearly in agony, who to the sounds of drums, wailed like a bear in a trap. She'd clearly been for a swim earlier - she still had the blue rubber band on her wrist. Not content with these two inputs holding us up, the organisers served us a couple of chaps playing background music while every country was introduced, and a flag bearer entered the fray. Not quite the Olympics. The contestants smiled and waved, and then it was time for the Four Women of the Apocalypse to shout at us. That's 15 minutes taken care of. Why te UK voters are denied the texting option remains a mystery.
Ukraine - MELOVIN (Under The Ladder)
0.4
What a dire start. The biggest issues are: 1) The bloke cannot sing, and 2) The song is shit.
Whoa-oh-oer, repeated rather a lot helped no one in Europe or elsewhere!
Spain - AMAIA Y ALFRED (Tu Cancion)
2.3
This song from the Spanish duo was a gentle effort, and okay - no more, no less. I suppose 'bland' would be a fair comment. By the time it gets to the voting, few will remember this song or the pair of lovebirds who've been together, Graham advises, just three months. "One day they'll regret that" from Graham was probably cruel.
Slovenia - LEA SIRK (Hvala, Ne!)
0.3
The energetic women proved they were mobile, but sadly failed utterly in terms of demonstrating any talent. The dancers fidgeted, while the singer delivered a monotonous dirge, hurting my ears with notes that stripped away any shred of tolerance in my being. No relation to music, this twaddle. Like a whining motor, this assault was terrible. The gimmick of stopping the music (a welcome reprieve for a few seconds) was pathetic. In summary,
shit!
Lithuania - IEVA ZASIMAUSKAITE (When We're Old)
3.2
A valiant attempt, with a slow delivery of lyrics in English. A slightly affected tone was bordering on annoying but didn't quite reach, so she retained interest enough for me to give this a thumbs up.
Austria - CESAR SAMPSON (Nobody But You)
3
This was a safe song that had some merit. As formulaic as any Eurovision entry, and a box-ticker for sure, even though it sounds like it's stolen. "Lisbon, how you doin" was an unnecessary line from Cesar, and his trousers were naf.
Estonia - ELINA NECHAYEVA (La Forza)
2.3
Opera is always an odd choice in a competitive environment. Yes, we can all (if in the mood) cope with the odd bit of warbling three octaves above sea level, but I'm not sure it fits in here. Not offensive at all, but neither was it memorable or worthy of many points. It sounded like a rip-off of an old British Airways advert, or something similar. 65,000 euros for a dress is a bit extravagant in my book.
Norway - ALEXANDER RYBAK (That's How You Write A Song)
2.5
This guy thinks he's a bit of a Jay Kay from Jamiroquai, but nowhere near as good of course. Half way through the song turned into an extract from Jungle Book or perhaps Minnie The Moocher, before returning to mediocrity. Better as an instrumental.
Portugal - CLAUDIA PASCOAL (O Jardim)
1.3
Claudia is clearly a bit sad, I thought, as she started the song. I waited for it to get going . . . and waited some more . . . and at a minute and thirty seconds, it picked up marginally (while her mte joined in) before returning to the slow lane. Sorry luv, but way too slow, laboured and annoying.
United Kingdom - SURIE (Storm)
1.9
"Storms don't last forever" she sang, but the song seemed to! Weak, but with such a catchy chorus, the wobbles in the rest of the song might be forgotten by voters. Considering she was almost accosted on stage, she did well to keep going.
Serbia - SANJA ILIC & BALKANIKA (Nova Deca)
0.9
This was simply odd, and was more like a spell being cast, rather than a song for the first minute. Then the extremely bald chap got underway. The communal moaning was unwelcome. Cat Weasel was on the flute, and the drummer was keen. All in all, a mess.
Germany - MICHAEL SHULTE (You Let Me Walk Alone)
2.1
Clearly the Germans looked for and found a copycat Ed Sheeran. The ginger German was trying for the look as well as the sound, and the song choice was the same genre. It all added up to a real drag; my ordeal was luckily limited to three minutes, and I must try to avoid Ed as well for a while - hard these days.
Albania - EUGENT BUSHPEPA (Mall)
3.1
Decent enough. Pretty easy to listen to, and it was musically fine. Not memorable, though.
France - MADAME MONSIEUR (Merci)
3.3
This was easy to listen to, and a surprisingly tuneful affair considering the majority of countries now think it is acceptable to endorse wailing, and people who cannot hold a decent note. Good!
Czech Republic - MIKOLAS JOSEF (Lie To Me)
1.1
Completely irritating. I won't lie to you, Mikolas, you're an irritant, as was the saxophone, as was the rucksack.
Denmark - RASMUSSEN (Higher Ground)
1.3
This was hard work to get through, and they got to the chorus after twenty seconds! The repetition wore me down in time with the stamping feet, as the hairy onslaught drove me relentlessly to boredom. "Now come on, walk with us!" shouted the singer with eyes too close together. No ta - I'm comfy on my sofa.
Australia - JESSICA MAUBOY (We Got Love)
2
Sadly this was hype above talent and she simply cannot sing at all well. But the chorus, as with most songs, gives a chance for voters to ignore shortcomings, and be swept along with middle-of-the-road mutterings. 'We Got Love' was announced dozens of times, while she wriggled and splayed her legs rather a lot.
Finland - SAARA AALTO (Monsters)
2.6
The mad woman of Finland provided, as ever, an unusual serving of 'music', well, trashy pop with an inclusive catchy chant. Middle of the road. Does Finland have anyone else who sings other than Saaaaaraa Aaaaalto ?
Bulgaria - EQUINOX (Bones)
2.2
Another vacuous song with a build up to chanting in the final third (to use the football cliche). Unarguable stage presence though, and more memorable than some.
Moldova - DOREDOS (My Lucky Day)
1.9
These six people must have practised the routine for weeks, but sadly for no great benefit - certainly not in terms of entertaining us. Oompa pa, oompa pa.
Sweden - BENJAMIN INGROSSO (Dance You Off)
1.6
This was a weak Justin Timberlake impression, with Ben sounding wimpish and limp, and like he's 14 years old. Graham advised his mother tried five times to represent Sweden and failed; I suspect she nudged him and is now orgasming at last, well, vicariously.
Hungary - AWS (Viszlat Nyar)
3.3
A brave choice of performance in a world of shitty pop. The heavy metal style was a nice change and slightly refreshing. Well done, chaps.
Israel - NETTA (Toy)
0.1
An absolute fucking embarrassment.
Netherlands - WAYLON (Outlaw In 'Em)
2
About 30 years out of sync with the rest, but that's no bad thing in itself. An album track that goes unnoticed in your collection of old rock and borderline line dancing material.
Ireland - RYAN O'SHAUGHNESSY (Together)
1.4
Well the song may have offended the Chinese because of the gay blokes dancing, but I was rather more offended by the unnecessarily high pitch of the singing. One or even two octaves lower and it might have come across rather better. As it was, I found it a challenge to cope with the chorus, and that's the part of any song that's going to make it a winner. [NB: the girl on the piano offered some deeper notes]
Cyprus - ELENI FOUREIRA (Fuego)
1.5
What the fuck is this woman on? The Beyonce rip-off was obvious, although why that should be some sort of goal is beyond me. Rather shit, and certainly unsightly.
Italy - META E MORO (Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente)
1
This was simply messy, and I could not make head nor fucking tail of it.
Sadly, the basis for voting is always muddled - this is about the best song, and performance of that song. It is not about the singer, the gimmicks, the clothes or the size of tits. Let's see what the expanded audience makes of this evening's offerings, which have for the most part been pretty crappy. I can now have a cup of tea and prepare to be annoyed as cunting fuck about the voting and the outcome.
*****
