28.2.15 It's For Charity

Donating money to charity, and raising money for charity are both activities that require rather more thought, consideration and assessment than they seem to get.  Activities associated with the raising of money vary considerably - some take effort, some are linked to entertainment, and some are simply lazy begging efforts.  When something is supposedly "for charity", it is somehow automatically given a status that means everyone should blindly go with the flow, whether that's via contribution of general commendation.  In the name of charity, we are exposed to:

Bucket rattling - fine if you don't give via other avenues and you want to deal in cash

Numerous TV adverts pleading for a text to donate £2, £3, £5, or in the case of the Salvation Army at Christmas, £19 !

Chuggers [charity muggers, seeking a DD mandate] who are basically sales people on commission

People running for life - in their thousands - all wanting sponsorship

Begging adverts on television, to sponsor children, 3rd World schooling, animals, water supply and a fair few other things

Sponsored silliness - and request to help "Trudie in Accounts raise money for Veruka Awareness"

Poor television quiz shows where 'celebrities' try to win money "for charity"

Anything that plays on emotions to deal with Cancer.

The incessant drive for getting donations is ubiquitous.  With relentless cajoling, we are all expected to say 'yes' and donate, whatever the cause, because it's "for charity".  There are of course, as well as the national and regional efforts of big charities, the non-stop money-raising efforts at local level, via fun runs, walks, swimming - you name it.  These are for Cubs, Scouts, Schools, Sports Clubs, Churches, Conservation, and a thousand other things.  Then, there's the percentage taken from lottery tickets.

Charities themselves are strange entities, with many seemingly oblivious to public perception, and exposed as rather more concerned with maintaining their own existence than in the causes they are supposed to champion. Hardly surprising, then, to find that the Red Nose mob takes £97,000,000 per year in running costs.  Then we hear that Children in need has £90,000,000 in its reserves.  The RSPB spends just a quarter of its money on actually helping birds.  There are so many examples it is embarrassing.

The latest fiasco has highlighted further problems that we really ought to know about, at Barnados.  This is a company (charity, yes, but in effect, a company) which has just sanctioned its new HQ at a cost of £12million.  If this is not a complete abuse of those who donate to this 'good cause', then I am a cunting Dutchman (and I am British).  There can be NO justification at all for this scale of outrageous spending on nothing to do with kids at all!

This was announced/confirmed, just after the story that allowed us all to learn of the £20,000 given to Binky Felstead, to "promote" the charity.  Fucking disgraceful.  The fact that Binky (and you are allowed a snigger at this ludicrous tag) was giving her fee to charity (another one) was proof that she was rather less of a problem than the trustees of Barnardos, who sanctioned this level os spending to "promote the charity".

If there is any more proof needed that giving to charity is fraught with problems, dilemmas and hazards, then you are deluded indeed.


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28.2.15 The Voice or The Awful Racket

Now there's a question

Will

My ears were completely cunting assaulted by Shout performed by some of the twats that Will.e.wonka chose for his team.  Lulu has a lot to answer for. A racket that was only topped by Emma Willis wailing at a higher pitch than a Peruvian football stadium.  Ditch them all, Will.  "You guys really took it to church," said Will, using a pathetic, nonsensical cunting analogy and cliche that has no fucking place in anyone's vocabulary.  Rita talked bollocks, as did Tom Jones.  "I know the Isley Brothers, and I know Lulu," said Tom, name-dropping as ever.

Ricky

"Ricky is tricky - he's the biggest threat," said Tom.  Ha!  "You're absolutely sensational," said Emma Willis, as the loser was grog-marched from the building, no one having turned to "steal" her.  This competition is full of shit.

Rita

Marvin the Cunt decided to refer to Rita Ora as "Pop Royalty" - fucking TWAT!  I left the room and got my chicken dinner, in preference to listening. Upon my return, Will was congratulating someone on an "awesome shirt" and I considered the relevance of this on a show that is called The Voice.  Joe was selected by Rita; no idea whether he was any good - but unlikely.  Tom and Will both tried to steal the bloke that Rita didn't want.  He opted for Will and so the attempt to cut down the number of competitors was a failure.

Will

Both of them needed to be placed in the bin - and NOT the recycling one. This was NOT a battle but a double surrender . . . . capitulation and noise. Fuck off. The bollocks talked by Rita in summarising the performances was hilarious. "You both stood your ground," she said.  Crap!  "Team Turner is not ready to give up yet," said the big bird, just before she was forced to give up because none of the other coaches was interested in a 'steal'.

Tom

Tom being a "legend" wears so fucking thin when it's a weekly point of reference.  These to were both dodgy as hell.  "Toss a coin, Tom," said I, from the sofa.  "Do you think age has relevance in music?" asked Marvin the Pointless.  It's supposed to be about the voice, you idiot.  Tom chose Rosa, but Ricky and Rita went for the steal.  "You've got two to pick from," said the educated Marvin to Claudia, the teenager left behind.

Ricky

Hannah and Shellyann arrived on stage, and the spelling of the latter's name meant I was instantly rooting for Hannah.  Neither was impressive on this song, and Stevie Nicks was no doubt squirming somewhere on the planet. "She's one of the few people I haven't met," said Tom, of Stevie. He then made a twat of himself by suggesting the performance we had just endured was "More powerful than Stevie's".  WTF?  There was no point in the battle at all, as Ricky confirmed he was going with the one who'd impressed him most at the 'Blinds', Hannah.  Rita then stole Shellyann, with the help of the Shellyann's son.

Rita

"I know you'll both kill it," said Rita, when announcing her song choice for Clark and Olivia.  "You stood your ground and really delivered," said Rita of Clark, before picking him.  The steal option was taken by Ricky.

Tom

This country-sounding tosh was last on the bill, so that we could assess the warbling style of the 52-year-old, and the predictable noise of Roisin.  The steal was never going to happen.  A hug from Marvin was hardly a consolation for her.

Rita

This was horrendous - Mitch and a growling girl murdering Madonna, whose failed suicide attempt at the Brits meant she was in the running for this attention.

Tom

Howard and Stephanie were up next, and in the VT, I cringed at Howard's wailing.  The sing-off was not entertaining.  Tom picked Howard, and proved his lack of awareness.  The steal was always on, considering all four coaches turned for Stephanie during the blind auditions.  The hypocrisy stood out via the silence, as the other three decided they didn't want her.

Ricky

More wailing from blokes who tried to out-wail each other.  Stevie and Tim stood alongside Marvin the Pointless, and heard Ricky announce Stevie as the winner.

Will

Lucy and Karl closed the battles, giving us an operatic backdrop.  The shit from Cats was not really appropriate for this show.  While I would have offered a tray of cat litter for them both to fill, it was up to I.am.an.Iams.cat to pick one to go through (the cat-flap).  He kept Lucy.  Tom stole Karl.

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28.2.15 Sheik's Son

Dramatic moment Sheikh's 16-year-old son in mother's Mercedes is chased through London the wrong way down one way street, through red lights and then escapes by reversing between two police cars 

• Teenager led police on a high speed car chase in his mother's Mercedes
• Car was stolen from outside father's multi-million pound home in London
• Drove wrong way through a one way system chased by five police cars
• Hit a traffic light and tried to reverse away but hit a taxi in the process 
• Sat on mother's lap in one court hearing and kissed her hand in another
• Court heard he 'deeply regrets' actions and struggles with ADHD
• Handed a rehabilitation order and community service - but no driving ban
• Outside court he whooped that he was getting 'straight on his moped'

This is an example of why the UK is completely fucked up, and useless.

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25.2.15 Sex With a Postbox

Drunk man who admitted trying to have sex with a postbox is found dead, weeks after appearing in court 

• Body of Paul Bennett, 45, found behind Chinese restaurant in Wigan
• Death comes weeks after he was made to sign Sex Offenders Register
• Court heard woman spotted him performing sex act and shouting 'wow'
• Death not said to be suspicious. Source said drugs could be involved

This headline in today's Mail online is particularly odd, yet suitably displays the complete fucking mess the country is in.  As if it was not sad enough that someone could be so drunk as to try and have sex with a pillar box, the judiciary then decided that the appropriate sentence for this drunken behaviour included the need for the 45-year-old bloke to sign the sex offenders register. I am positive that the objectives behind the setting up of the register did NOT include its use to note incidents that were simple drunk-and-disorderly capers. Yes, rubbing yourself on a pillar box is hardly appropriate behaviour, but are we really expected to believe that this silly act while pissed necessitated enrollment on a register that contains details of all sorts of low life and perverts?

There have been three "crimes" here.

1 - The drunken behaviour of a man
2 - The sad reporting of the "incident" by an up-her-arse woman (was she perhaps jealous of the post box) as if the act was detrimental to anyone at all; get a life, and moan instead about something to do with television and the watershed.
3 - The ludicrous decision to force the man to sign the sex offenders register after the embarrassment of an "indecent exposure" conviction was deemed insufficient.

The least offensive of the three is number one; number two then trumps number one for offensiveness, and finally, number three shows the most offensive action of all.

How sad that a few weeks later, the man is found dead.  Will we ever know what effect the magistrates' decision really had?  In the report, I note two further things:

One - The court heard that after the rubbing against the post box and the offender calling out "Wow", he pulled up his pants, checked his reflection and left.  Why was that not the end of it, really?
Two - Alongside the sentence of a 12-month community order and being made to sign the sex offenders register, he had to pay the woman who witnessed the incident £50, court costs of £150 AND a "Victim Surcharge" of £60.  That must have been for the post box!

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21.2.15 The Voice & Shetland Is Above Scotland

Vanessa Hunt, the first one up, got through, with Rita as a mentor.  I missed the singing, though I don't really care.

Matt Baker sang in a style that was unlikely to make any of the coaches turn, and that's exactly what the outcome was.  But then we heard the typical bollocks, this time from Tom Jones.  "I made a mistake," and "I should have turned".  Well, Tom, at what stage, exactly, did you decide on that?  AFTER it was all about the voice, when he could see the bloke, or after the 90 seconds of noise that he was allowed to ponder during?  Wassock! - Tom Jones, not Matt Baker.

Autumn Sharif, the girl from Somalia, told us all about the irrelevant history, just before the 'voice' aspect of her performance.  The first half was great, but then it turned to shouting and wailing.  Nevertheless, she was good.  Tom was so pleased with himself, after muttering "Awesome Autumn".

Then Woody Wilson pleaded for her to choose him.  He won, for some strange reason, and Autumn completed his team of 12.

Kyle Parry

The periscope builder was a bore from the outset.  He then came on and sang Try with rather limited ability.  The nauseating screams and shouts from friends and family had more oomph than Kyle.  "A great solid performance," said Rita, lying but being nice.

Michelle Gee, the midwife was possibly good at delivering babies but a whole lot less proficient at applying make-up, with lip liner that was offensive - not quite as offensive as her singing, though.  No one turned.  The shouting and growling style was atrocious.  Overall, she was rather desperate, about 1/5 as attractive as she thought she was, and the "rasp" that will.i.am referred to was actually more of a skinning alive.

Sarah Dunn arrived on screen and annoyed the fuck in an instant.  "I wonder what she looks like?" mouthed Rita to Tom.  That's irrelevant, Rita. However, "awful" is the answer.  No one turned, thank goodness.  "Ah, she was so close." said one of the backstage contingent, possible Marvin Pointless.  Anyone singing Barbie Girl deserves to make no progress.  Her personality came out in the talking bit afterwards, providing further proof that no one turning was the correct outcome for all.

Mitch Miller was different.  "I don't have a guy like you on my team," said Rita, after turning for him.  No one does, Rita.  "It was quirky, but it was different," said the useless Tom Jones, not quite understanding the meaning of the word "quirky" and thus qualifying it.

JoCee tried rather too hard.  Pixie Lott's best friend managed to sing with an affectation that was so very annoying.  The wailing was offensive, as was the pathetic spelling of her name, something that annoyed the fuck before she opened her mouth at all.

Craig Bunch told us that through a recent illness, he lost his long term and short term memory.  So, his memory, then.  He shouted his way through the performance, waking up some sleeping seals off the coast of Newfoundland. No one turned.  "You hammered it from the beginning, and there was nowhere for you to go," said Tom, for the first time saying something reasonable.

Roisin Geraghty-McDonagh (a mouthful by anyone's standards) sadly brought with her a pack of screaming women to support her.  This was boring. Tom the twat turned on the last note.

Annelies was excellent, yet neither of the idiots with space remaining turned around!  "Absolute madness," said Woody, making sense for once.  "So close," said Pointless Marvin.  "I made a mistake," said Tom, being a nob and a cunt all at once!  He disrespects the competition and the contestants every time he say this.  "What a schmuck," he called out when he sat down. You got that right, you arse.

Charlotte Turnbull arrived on screen and she was so clearly going to get through.  What a massive disadvantage being on the last of the shows, because the pickiness of the coaches overshadows things, and with few spaces left, they are all in a quandary.

Lisa Ward was assured a place before opening her mouth, because with just two acts left and two spaces, there was no other outcome.  She could have saved herself the 600 mile journey from Shetland.  Charlotte Turnbull was better.  Tom and Will turned.  Tom explained to Will that "Shetland is above Scotland".  TWAT!   Lisa chose the thicko.

Andrew Marc was bound to be on Will's team.  He was fucking awful, making a mockery of this whole competition.  Meanwhile, much better singers are on the train home.  Laughable.

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21.2.15 Now You See It

Not funny in the slightest - ever !

A mildly interesting television programme that is COMPLETELY CUNTIN RUINED by the narration provided by the smug Mel Giedroyc, or 'Gridlock' as I call her.  The ludicrous attempts she makes to be clever and funny are simply horrendous.

Only Harry Hill on You've Been Framed has ever really managed to perfect this approach.  Other who have copied this style have managed to fail.  Ken Bruce was a fucking disaster with his voice-over crap on a BBC1 programme a year ago, but Mel has trumped Ken with her incessant smart-arsed bollocks accompanying Saturday magic.  If she shut-the-fuck-up, then the half-hour before The Voice might be tolerable.  Fuck off back to Bake Off.

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20.2.15 Crap at the Co-op

The fucking Co-op's pricing policy is a rip off.  I needed bread and milk.

Warburton's Loaf = £1.45 or two for £2
Semi Skimmed Milk = £1.45 or two for £2

Unfortunately I was not in the market for eight fucking pints of milk, or thirty-four slices of cunting bread.  Thus, I purchased a loaf plus a four-pint carton of milk.  There is no "mix and match" facility.  So I had to pay £2.90.  Rip-off!

Of Course I can't Fucking See !

Meanwhile, the latest development at the cigarette kiosk is conversion of the display to conform to new legislation affecting smaller supermarkets.  The nerve of the shopfitters and cunts in charge that led to the printing of the question is frightening.  I can't see what I want because there's a fucking great door over the display, the board that you've written the cunting question on!

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