What a weird hotchpotch of acts for the last semi-final. As ever, I predicted an "incredible start to the show" before even knowing the first act. It turned out to be Face Team, the Hungarian trampolining and basketball playing ensemble. There were okay, but even if it was tricky for them, I got bored with it half way through. That didn't stop me hearing afterwards: "What a start to the show" from Dec, and "An incredible start to the show" from Alesha. David Walliams chipped in with "An extraordinary act". Simon concentrated on the international flavour, stating: "I welcome all the different countries who have come to Britain's Got Talent." Sorry, Simon, but if that's the case and it's your show, then shall we just call it "Got Talent" then? Or maybe Europe's Got Talent then?
Dec enthralled me with his: "It's time for a quick break" which was a complete lie, because it was a far-too-long break, like all of them, so the quick part of his comment was blatantly wrong.
Greig Stewart was plainly awful, and belonged in a nightclub somewhere, not on TV. The laser harp was really just a notch up from a stylophone, and he struggled to play the thing. As Daughter-in-Law said: "Give me ten minutes, and I'm sure I could whack a tune out of that laser harp."
Dec enthralled me again with his: "It's time for a quick break" which was a complete lie, because it was a far-too-long break, like all of them, so the quick part of his comment was blatantly wrong.
Billy George in his hoop was certainly talented, and the display was different from most things we've seen this week. My only concern was that having seen him, there's less motivation to want to watch him again.
What can I say about the Dalek bloke, Martyn Crofts, other than this 'act' was complete fucking shit. His presence in the competition is not his fault. Well, it is to a degree, of course, because this idiot has put himself forward to waste my life and piss me off with his pathetic offering. However, the bigger criticism by far has to be directed at the stupid judges who displayed the most tragic lack of judgement this series by giving him a place. There were so many other deserving acts who should have been preferred. Instead, the saucepan-headed bloke did what you'd expect a seven-year-old to do at a kids' party after a mug of sherry!
Dec enthralled me with his: "It's time for a quick break now" which was a complete lie, because it was a far-too-long break, like all of them, so the quick part of his comment was blatantly wrong. Worse than than, before going to the adverts we had to endure two minutes of shit by way of the competition, to identify that Del Trotter was in Only Fools and Horses, and not Miranda or Porridge.
Callum Oakley was funny, and very impressive considering stand-up comedy is so hard to do and he's just sixteen years old. However, it's BGT and not HGFHA [He's Good For His Age]. I am certain we'll see him in the coming years doing rather well for himself but he was never going to win.
Hope Murphy was good enough; her voice was strong, pure and less orange than the singer herself. I suspect though that she'd have struggled to get through on any of the five shows, because there was nothing distinctive enough about her to tip the scales in her favour.
Dec enthralled me with his: "It's time for a quick break" which was a complete lie, because it was a far-too-long break, like all of them, so the quick part of his comment was blatantly wrong. [Are you getting as much deja vu as I am regarding these breaks?]
Strictly Wheels was just awful, or as I said in my non-politically correct way from my sofa, 'Lame'. Sorry, folks, but participation was a charity stunt because what was being offered as an act was indeed weak. The only reason they got put through was the wheelchair ticket. The waxy bloke flung his legs around (and I couldn't ignore the irony as he almost taunted his sitting partner) while she shuffled along as quickly and randomly as possible. All credit to her for keeping active and positive and not letting disability stop her enjoying herself, but this is not a reason to avoid the truth, that the act was not up to scratch - and it was in fact worse than the audition performance. As Amanda said afterwards, she was "underwhelmed", as was I.
Aquabatique did well, swimming in synch outside to James Bond music. I recognise the effort and abilities of the four of them, but I am still struggling with the idea that a sport, and an Olympic sport at that, is something that can count as an act on BGT. As per the sentiment in my post yesterday, let's have Sanyo San Mar ridden by Harvey Smith having a go at the puissance on stage. That would wrap up sport with an animal, and count as variety without a singer or dancer in sight. What do you think?
Dec enthralled . . . . . . no he fucking didn't, I put the kettle on while everyone on BGT went back inside. The comments after the break suggested to me that Aquabatique would be going through.
Ryan O'Shaughnessy sang well and played well and was, well, good. Clearly he was set to go through now that The Irish Voice had let him off.
THE RESULTS
No great shock, then, with Ryan winning. I think Aquabatique benefited from this being an Olympic year but it's nevertheless good that a non-singer goes into the final.
...
Thursday, 10 May 2012
10.5.12 Quiz Question of the Month
Apologies for the lateness of this post, but the April 2012 prize for the worst competition question is ready for airing. It is quite amazing how pathetic the questions are on these pointless 'competitions' and anyone stupid enough to waste money on a text or phone call deserves the costs with little chance of reward.
Commended Runner-Up
A plea for useless calls from viewers of "60 Minute Makeover" for an anwers to the following:
Which of these phrases refers to having successfully finished something?
A: Home and drenched
B: Home and done for
C: Home and dry
April Winner
A really pathetic question offered to viewers of "Britain's Got Talent", which was:
The spy James Bond is also known as -
A: 005
B: 006
C: 007
The Question That Never Was
I suggest that the biggest un-asked question related to The Voice, which could have held a competition as follows:
Which of these is wrong? It's all about -
A: The age
B: The noise level
C: The manipulation
D: The look
E: The judges
F: The hollering of Holly Willoughby
G: Will talking shite
H: Name-dropping by Tom Jones
I: Fidgeting by Danny
J: The pointlessness of Reggie Yates
K: The Mystic Megness of Jessie
L: The voice
.
Commended Runner-Up
A plea for useless calls from viewers of "60 Minute Makeover" for an anwers to the following:
Which of these phrases refers to having successfully finished something?
A: Home and drenched
B: Home and done for
C: Home and dry
April Winner
A really pathetic question offered to viewers of "Britain's Got Talent", which was:
The spy James Bond is also known as -
A: 005
B: 006
C: 007
The Question That Never Was
I suggest that the biggest un-asked question related to The Voice, which could have held a competition as follows:
Which of these is wrong? It's all about -
A: The age
B: The noise level
C: The manipulation
D: The look
E: The judges
F: The hollering of Holly Willoughby
G: Will talking shite
H: Name-dropping by Tom Jones
I: Fidgeting by Danny
J: The pointlessness of Reggie Yates
K: The Mystic Megness of Jessie
L: The voice
.
10.5.12 And What's More . . .
Why did I watch the other day an advert on TV for a Karcher jet wash? I would have thought that an advert for such an appliance is not quite as effective as it ought to be, because I am given to understand that most disposable income resides in the south east, and it's the south east that's currently in the grip of a hosepipe ban (!)
And what's more . . .
Why the fuck does the newscaster now have to warn all of us that the upcoming report features flash photography. Every cuntin' time, in line with the nanny state's approach, and the culture of fear that's developed in the UK over everything known to man, I have to be made aware that I am about to experience a few flashes. BUT - where's the fucking warning about having to listening to the complete shit being spoken by Ed Miliband, then?
And what's more . . .
Why does the BBC persist in describing snooker as a fucking sport? It's a game, just like darts, that other supposed 'sport'. I reckon the BBC has lost so much to Sky and others, that it likes to console itself with this flawed propaganda of sports coverage. So, when the newsreader on the radio announced: "World snooker champion, Ronnie O'Sullivan, is to takes six months off from the sport" it was of course false reporting; " 'Ronnie won't be playing games for a bit' said his mum" would have been more accurate.
And what's more . . .
I am so pleased that the French have dispensed with Nikolas Sarkozy, because I don't have to listen to twattish newsreaders fucking about with his name. I did hear a frenchman on a news report the other day, and was pleased yet still surprised when he pronounced it in a straightforward way, without affectation. Meanwhile, our own news people seem to think Knee-coll-a Sar-ko-zeee is the way to go. I have already moaned about the Michelin shit on cookery programmes, and 'omm-arj' for homage. But it does all get worse than this - yes, Vladimir Putin is now a target. On the radio, Vla-Deee-meer was pathetic on the part of the BBC nob.
And what's more . . .
We can all rejoice after slimy Red Ken failed to beat Boris Johnson in the race to be Major of London. Boris may not have much of a clue about many things, but he is liked, funny, not scared, and ebtertaining. Red Ken is of course snidy, oily, sneaky, two-faced and not someone who should be in power.
And what's more . . .
Why are horse riders exempt? I am talking about fines for thier animal shitting. Dog owners are threatened with a fine of £80 if Fido shits in the street. If Seagram, Red Rum or "Blackie the Fucking Big Shire Horse" has a mobile dump, it's 22 kilos in the street or on the path, but no fine?
And what's more . . .
Walkers have got a nerve, or at least retailers have, on the price of individual bags of crisps. The Cunt-op wantes 60p for a 35g normal bag. But Morrisons is selling 22 bags (admitedly the 25g ones) for £1.98. The latter is thus a 9p per bag rate, and on a like-for-like basis (ie. 35g) less than 13p against the 60p. This is lunacy, opportunism, flawed economics and a cuntin' rip-off! All this doesn't even consider the policies in place at mororway service stations where 'grab-bags' require the completion of a loan form, they're such a con. On Tuesday, I say a bag of McVitie's Mini Cheddars on sale for £2.79. Admittedly it weighed 200g, which is of course such a mammoth amount that levers and pulleys would be needed to haul it to a car outside.
And what's more . . .
Oxfam is suggesting to women that they ought to donate their spare bras boost the proceeds of the charity. Yes, apparently females have so many unused bras at home that this is the way forward. What bollocks. Sell them to whom? If so many women have them, whose needs them? I suspect that many woman would rather not wear someone else's leftover bra, paying for it via Oxfam. I have no idea what percentage of takings goes on running costs and salaries etc for Oxfam, but the percentage of the takings going to the causes it champions must be a long way short of 100%. So, probably half of the £3 someone pays for a bra of dubious provenance eventually gets to needy Africans, so they can survive more easily. Heaven forbid that any Africa goes and buys a bra with the aid, because that would be silly. I don't think there's a massive call for cheap used bras in this country, nor a demand for trade in them via charity shops that could deliver aid to Africa. I do suspect that if women have a surfeit of bras, the apparel might be of interest or use to Africans - maybe Oxfam can fly them over? To my mind, I think they may have other priorities though.
...
And what's more . . .
Why the fuck does the newscaster now have to warn all of us that the upcoming report features flash photography. Every cuntin' time, in line with the nanny state's approach, and the culture of fear that's developed in the UK over everything known to man, I have to be made aware that I am about to experience a few flashes. BUT - where's the fucking warning about having to listening to the complete shit being spoken by Ed Miliband, then?
And what's more . . .
Why does the BBC persist in describing snooker as a fucking sport? It's a game, just like darts, that other supposed 'sport'. I reckon the BBC has lost so much to Sky and others, that it likes to console itself with this flawed propaganda of sports coverage. So, when the newsreader on the radio announced: "World snooker champion, Ronnie O'Sullivan, is to takes six months off from the sport" it was of course false reporting; " 'Ronnie won't be playing games for a bit' said his mum" would have been more accurate.
And what's more . . .
I am so pleased that the French have dispensed with Nikolas Sarkozy, because I don't have to listen to twattish newsreaders fucking about with his name. I did hear a frenchman on a news report the other day, and was pleased yet still surprised when he pronounced it in a straightforward way, without affectation. Meanwhile, our own news people seem to think Knee-coll-a Sar-ko-zeee is the way to go. I have already moaned about the Michelin shit on cookery programmes, and 'omm-arj' for homage. But it does all get worse than this - yes, Vladimir Putin is now a target. On the radio, Vla-Deee-meer was pathetic on the part of the BBC nob.
And what's more . . .
We can all rejoice after slimy Red Ken failed to beat Boris Johnson in the race to be Major of London. Boris may not have much of a clue about many things, but he is liked, funny, not scared, and ebtertaining. Red Ken is of course snidy, oily, sneaky, two-faced and not someone who should be in power.
And what's more . . .
Why are horse riders exempt? I am talking about fines for thier animal shitting. Dog owners are threatened with a fine of £80 if Fido shits in the street. If Seagram, Red Rum or "Blackie the Fucking Big Shire Horse" has a mobile dump, it's 22 kilos in the street or on the path, but no fine?
And what's more . . .
Walkers have got a nerve, or at least retailers have, on the price of individual bags of crisps. The Cunt-op wantes 60p for a 35g normal bag. But Morrisons is selling 22 bags (admitedly the 25g ones) for £1.98. The latter is thus a 9p per bag rate, and on a like-for-like basis (ie. 35g) less than 13p against the 60p. This is lunacy, opportunism, flawed economics and a cuntin' rip-off! All this doesn't even consider the policies in place at mororway service stations where 'grab-bags' require the completion of a loan form, they're such a con. On Tuesday, I say a bag of McVitie's Mini Cheddars on sale for £2.79. Admittedly it weighed 200g, which is of course such a mammoth amount that levers and pulleys would be needed to haul it to a car outside.
And what's more . . .
Oxfam is suggesting to women that they ought to donate their spare bras boost the proceeds of the charity. Yes, apparently females have so many unused bras at home that this is the way forward. What bollocks. Sell them to whom? If so many women have them, whose needs them? I suspect that many woman would rather not wear someone else's leftover bra, paying for it via Oxfam. I have no idea what percentage of takings goes on running costs and salaries etc for Oxfam, but the percentage of the takings going to the causes it champions must be a long way short of 100%. So, probably half of the £3 someone pays for a bra of dubious provenance eventually gets to needy Africans, so they can survive more easily. Heaven forbid that any Africa goes and buys a bra with the aid, because that would be silly. I don't think there's a massive call for cheap used bras in this country, nor a demand for trade in them via charity shops that could deliver aid to Africa. I do suspect that if women have a surfeit of bras, the apparel might be of interest or use to Africans - maybe Oxfam can fly them over? To my mind, I think they may have other priorities though.
...
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
9.5.12 Britain's GIT
That's right, Britain's Got International Talent is drawing to a close; just one more semi-final tomorrow, before Saturday's crescendo. The programme is weird because it goes from one extreme to the other in terms of talent and entertainment.
As for the maths, nothing is adding up for me. Simon Cowell, already ahead of the "one more than necessary" Louis Walsh, managed to break his own record. In response to Ant & Dec posing the searching question: "Has this series of Britain's Got Talent done the country proud?" he came out with - "One hundred million percent yes."
Chica Latina
We started off with a Margarita Pracatan impersonator - yesr, the hairdresser who can't sing. The idiots on the panel put her through to this semi-final, and thus sujected her to a piss-take. I am quite sure she is a lovely lady, but this isn't BGALL is it? As her warbling came to a close, I sat on the sofa and said: "What a way to open the show - go on, say it!" David Walliams was forst to comment: "What an incredible start to the show." Alesha came out with: "It was a great start to the show." Simon topped it all with the second best quote of the night: "There is a wild card spot, so there is a chance I will give you one." What started to confuse me on this night of international performers was Simon's comments on Chica's nationality, with: "You're a British Colombian Jennifer Lopez, aren't you." This is NOT to be confused with a British Columbian Jennifer Lopez, who would of course have struggled along in broken English with a western Canadian accent, or possibly broken French! [Question: why isn't she on X-Factor over 25s rather than BGT?]
Malakai
Credit to him, credit to his mum, and a good kid. Too early though for him to hold his own, and whether he's a great kid or not, it was not a good performance, and he displayed vocal fidgeting, or is that more correctly (what with tags and shit these days) vocal ADHD. It wasn't good, but it's not like he hasn't got time to practise a bit.
Brynolf & Ljung
Any twat who thinks this is a British act is worthy of a tap on the head with a sledge hammer. They were of course Swedish, in keeping with the Britain's Got International Talent theme. They were very good, again. I cannot seem to shake the more catchy "Bang & Olufsen" from my mind.
Gatis Kandis
What can I say? This guy is indeed so peculiar, and awful - yet intriguing as fuck! I almost expect Sacha Baron Cohen to be watching avidly, so he can base his next character on Gatis. I forgive Latvia for getting in on the act.
The Sugar Dandies
I am sure one's Americcan, and the other is something else . . . no joke being made there. Lovely blokes, but it's not about that. The performance was lame.
Nu Sxool
I find it fucking infuriating when spelling is willfully and purposefully skewed. These kids should fucking know better - or should that be "No Better" then? Nu is the Greek 'N' not that any of them would know that. Sxool is the thick cunt for School. Anyway, the introduction by Ant & Dec was: "Next up are a dance crew." It seems these two thickos have done quite well for themselves, despite oozing poor grammar. Walliams had earlier said: "The nation have heard . . ." so he's a twat on that front as well. This tribe included kids who were (in some cases) quite cute, and most were hyper-enthusiastic. On the dancing side, they were no more than okay, though one blond-haired older kid did a few tricks. Sorry, people, but it was a fairly boring dance act with boring formulaic music. The OTT comments from the judges were misplaced, because they did nothing more than some of the other dance outfits this year; maybe it's the 'school theme' that's carrying them along a bit. As for Alesha saying: "This is what kids should be doing" I disagree - they should be doing their fucking homework.
Sam Kelly
After being shown by Lennox Lewis how to use a skipping rope in the ad break, I settled down to listen to Sam, who sang really well. So, the "lazy man's X-Factor" might turn out to be his platform for success. [Question: why isn't he on X-Factor rather than BGT?]
Beatrix Von Bourbon
This woman is well travelled, and has not only been all over Europe, she's been tattooed en route. The performance was very weak. Amanda Holden came out with the best quote of the night, with: "I love the purple muff."
Be Minor
Pretty, good and pretty good. I am not quite sure they're good enough (yet) to get all the limelight and get into the final. No doubt they'll turn up again - probably on the X-Factor, in the Louis Walsh category - this either means in three years, when he's got "The Groups" again, or as individuals in thirteen years time when he's got the "Over 25s".
Labrinth
I am not sure why this act was performing in the second part of the show, and whilst he got applause from the judges, they didn't actually comment. He seemed a nice chap, but the song he sang was diabolical. Really, I don't know how he got put through. The song was called "Express Yourself" and so I will - "That was shit, man!"
THE RESULTS
Bye, Gatis. I wish you well. I know I couldn't turn up in Latvia, and find a way to speak the language, let alone gain a perspective on humour and do stand-up. So, we have going through to the final a singer and a dance act - surprise, surprise. That's not to say Sam Kelly isn't good. As for third place Malakai, he was not very good, so was Alesha voting for him a supposed act of kindness to soften the blow later, or is she a nob? He was below par, but he's nine-fucking-years-old. Emotionally, he had no business being put through that and we could all see his downfall coming. Glad that Labrinth didn't get through, though!
...
As for the maths, nothing is adding up for me. Simon Cowell, already ahead of the "one more than necessary" Louis Walsh, managed to break his own record. In response to Ant & Dec posing the searching question: "Has this series of Britain's Got Talent done the country proud?" he came out with - "One hundred million percent yes."
Chica Latina
We started off with a Margarita Pracatan impersonator - yesr, the hairdresser who can't sing. The idiots on the panel put her through to this semi-final, and thus sujected her to a piss-take. I am quite sure she is a lovely lady, but this isn't BGALL is it? As her warbling came to a close, I sat on the sofa and said: "What a way to open the show - go on, say it!" David Walliams was forst to comment: "What an incredible start to the show." Alesha came out with: "It was a great start to the show." Simon topped it all with the second best quote of the night: "There is a wild card spot, so there is a chance I will give you one." What started to confuse me on this night of international performers was Simon's comments on Chica's nationality, with: "You're a British Colombian Jennifer Lopez, aren't you." This is NOT to be confused with a British Columbian Jennifer Lopez, who would of course have struggled along in broken English with a western Canadian accent, or possibly broken French! [Question: why isn't she on X-Factor over 25s rather than BGT?]
Malakai
Credit to him, credit to his mum, and a good kid. Too early though for him to hold his own, and whether he's a great kid or not, it was not a good performance, and he displayed vocal fidgeting, or is that more correctly (what with tags and shit these days) vocal ADHD. It wasn't good, but it's not like he hasn't got time to practise a bit.
Brynolf & Ljung
Any twat who thinks this is a British act is worthy of a tap on the head with a sledge hammer. They were of course Swedish, in keeping with the Britain's Got International Talent theme. They were very good, again. I cannot seem to shake the more catchy "Bang & Olufsen" from my mind.
Gatis Kandis
What can I say? This guy is indeed so peculiar, and awful - yet intriguing as fuck! I almost expect Sacha Baron Cohen to be watching avidly, so he can base his next character on Gatis. I forgive Latvia for getting in on the act.
The Sugar Dandies
I am sure one's Americcan, and the other is something else . . . no joke being made there. Lovely blokes, but it's not about that. The performance was lame.
Nu Sxool
I find it fucking infuriating when spelling is willfully and purposefully skewed. These kids should fucking know better - or should that be "No Better" then? Nu is the Greek 'N' not that any of them would know that. Sxool is the thick cunt for School. Anyway, the introduction by Ant & Dec was: "Next up are a dance crew." It seems these two thickos have done quite well for themselves, despite oozing poor grammar. Walliams had earlier said: "The nation have heard . . ." so he's a twat on that front as well. This tribe included kids who were (in some cases) quite cute, and most were hyper-enthusiastic. On the dancing side, they were no more than okay, though one blond-haired older kid did a few tricks. Sorry, people, but it was a fairly boring dance act with boring formulaic music. The OTT comments from the judges were misplaced, because they did nothing more than some of the other dance outfits this year; maybe it's the 'school theme' that's carrying them along a bit. As for Alesha saying: "This is what kids should be doing" I disagree - they should be doing their fucking homework.
Sam Kelly
After being shown by Lennox Lewis how to use a skipping rope in the ad break, I settled down to listen to Sam, who sang really well. So, the "lazy man's X-Factor" might turn out to be his platform for success. [Question: why isn't he on X-Factor rather than BGT?]
Beatrix Von Bourbon
This woman is well travelled, and has not only been all over Europe, she's been tattooed en route. The performance was very weak. Amanda Holden came out with the best quote of the night, with: "I love the purple muff."
Be Minor
Pretty, good and pretty good. I am not quite sure they're good enough (yet) to get all the limelight and get into the final. No doubt they'll turn up again - probably on the X-Factor, in the Louis Walsh category - this either means in three years, when he's got "The Groups" again, or as individuals in thirteen years time when he's got the "Over 25s".
Labrinth
I am not sure why this act was performing in the second part of the show, and whilst he got applause from the judges, they didn't actually comment. He seemed a nice chap, but the song he sang was diabolical. Really, I don't know how he got put through. The song was called "Express Yourself" and so I will - "That was shit, man!"
THE RESULTS
Bye, Gatis. I wish you well. I know I couldn't turn up in Latvia, and find a way to speak the language, let alone gain a perspective on humour and do stand-up. So, we have going through to the final a singer and a dance act - surprise, surprise. That's not to say Sam Kelly isn't good. As for third place Malakai, he was not very good, so was Alesha voting for him a supposed act of kindness to soften the blow later, or is she a nob? He was below par, but he's nine-fucking-years-old. Emotionally, he had no business being put through that and we could all see his downfall coming. Glad that Labrinth didn't get through, though!
...
9.5.12 Argentina - Piss Off
Cristina Kirchner is misguided (unlike the Exocet missile that sank HMS Sheffield) in her attempts to justify Argentina's continued tantrum over the Falklands. She is basically stirring up shit because in all other respects, she is fucking irrelevant. Mis Navalism (see what I did there on the anagram front?) is trying to make a name for herself - who does she think she is - Sean Penn?
The advert showing an Argentinian athlete training in the Falklands was designed to create shit, and it's done so. "To compete on English soil, we are training on Argentinian soil" reads the slogan - as provocative an effort as saying - 'Fuck you, you cunts'.
What should be the response? Simple, ban the Argies from competing. Get a life, woman, and stop meddling in things. If you feel duty-bound to stir things, work as a chef.
Interestingly, I came across this other picture that I couldn't help including in this post, because it shows exactly what she's doing. Rather unrealistically, she's better looking (if that's possible) in the figurine form than in real life.
The advert showing an Argentinian athlete training in the Falklands was designed to create shit, and it's done so. "To compete on English soil, we are training on Argentinian soil" reads the slogan - as provocative an effort as saying - 'Fuck you, you cunts'.
What should be the response? Simple, ban the Argies from competing. Get a life, woman, and stop meddling in things. If you feel duty-bound to stir things, work as a chef.
Interestingly, I came across this other picture that I couldn't help including in this post, because it shows exactly what she's doing. Rather unrealistically, she's better looking (if that's possible) in the figurine form than in real life.
...
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
8.5.12 Britain's Got Delusions
I like watching Britain's Got Talent, and I like the fact that on this show, judges retain the right to say when an act is shit. Too many other judges feel obliged to be nice, or find something good to say even when the overriding impression for all is that the performance was crap.
What I am frustrated by, though, is the shift toward the 'All in a good cause' justification for acts being given a chance to annoy us or entertain us in equal measure. At one stage, the 'Sob Story' was the main grievance I had with the show, and the manipulation of the audience by the show's producers. These days, we've moved on to the social good that is done by various people, and how disadvantaged youngsters have been given a chance. Sorry, but in terms of touting for votes - Fuck Off.
The clue as to the basis for this show is TALENT in the title. It is most definitely NOT anything to do with getting kids off the streets, occupying teenagers who would otherwise have mugged old ladies or stabbed a terrier. Nor is it a show that's called "They've All Worked Very Hard". Of course they fucking have, I'd expect them to do a bit more than fall out of bed, rub their teeth with a flannel and turn up with a shell suit expecting to be the next Diversity.
I expect BGT to find people with Talent. So, just like the Queen and Government should NOT be giving honours (MBEs, Knighthoods etc) to people on the basis of "Britain's Got People Who Do Their Jobs Quite Well", BGT judges should NOT be giving kudos to people who turn up to do their job. A singer last night appeared with her daughter for a crap double act. The woman had done "thousands of gigs", she claimed, and had been singing for 20 years. In such circumstances, I suggest that there's no element of discovery about her singing for us, nor of entertainment, nor of talent. In effect, she was doing her job, for which she is paid the minimum wage. I wonder if she dragged her daughter along to save a child minder fee (?)
Sorry, but the synchronised swimmers the other day were not viable as an act. I have nothing against the sport; in fact, it is one of the very hardest things to tackle, and I commend those who have the dedication to train for so long to achieve such good results. However, there is no place on BGT for four massive water tanks to be hoiked around, and used to display four women doing what amounted to their job. There were Olympic athletes. The correct arena for their skills is a swimming pool, and they should be in a competition such as the Olympics. A talent contest is just inappropriate. That's not a talent in this sense - otherwise we would have to watch showjumpers getting horses over parallel bars, blokes shoving a ha'penny, and a darts player scoring one-hundred-and-eighty. The fact that one of the four in the swimming team was about to cry having revealed her own sob story (she was deselected from the 2012 Olympics) is NOT a basis for us deciding on any enetertainment value in her getting wet. As I say, not something that belongs in a talent contest - by participating, they were actually devaluing their own sport and their efforts.
I thought the choir was good - the Welsh chaps in 'Only Boys Aloud'. HOWEVER, let's remove the fact that they all "worked so very hard" and remove the fact that the choirmaster collected the waifs and strays from desolate ex-mining communities and street corners where they hung around the entrances to Costcutter, Nisa and Spar shops. Let's instead concentrate on the talent aspect, and I suggest that whilst the choir was good, a blindfolded listener would struggle to distinguish it from nine others, formed from Welsh blokes. So, in summary, we heard a Welsh choir. This isn't really talent, so much as a choir from Wales in the running order; any Welsh choir would have done. Sorry, but it's true; there are dozens of really good choirs, and I don't think we suddenly 'discovered' something great, or different, or a group with any talent different from that within the well established tradition of blokes singing together.
The Mend were pretty good (not that this style of music is my own favourite) but just because they've done well for themselves and avoided getting into trouble on their sink-estate, that's not a reason to decide they have talent enough to go through ahead of anyone else. By default, that would be another sob story, or some sort of sociological triumph. The Zimmers tonight was another example of a desire to make us think "Ooh, aren't they marvellous, these old people", and their getting put through. Sorry, they can't sing for toffee [or chew it, probably] and wonderful as it all is that they sing and sway, it's not entertaining at all.
Last night an organ salesman appeared, and what did he do? He played the organ. Hmmmmmm. That's his fucking job, demonstrating to punters why they should spend £1500 on trying to perform like John Benson, from Sale of the Century. He was shite, but the 'performance' was fortunately short. I won't mention any of the various dance acts, because they are mostly boring and/or repetitive and/or working very hard. They all profess to offer the youth of today an outlet that stops them nicking sweets from Forbuoys. Older people are no better, as we've had the "Where's my keys, where's my phone?" crap - twice. Disappointingly, the Loveable Rogues decided to sing the same song again for their semi-final tonight. Let's hope that for the final, they've got something different.
I have previously commented on the visitors to these shores, whose own national 'talent shows' seem not to want them, or perhaps even exist. Is there a France's GT, Hungary's GT, Ireland's GT, Latvia's GT or Germany's GT? I don't know. It seems that the ineffective (and arguably non-existent) immigration control in the UK extends to opening the performance borders as well. Guatemala's Got Talent is still in the planning stage, so all Guatemalans are invited to come on down to BGT.
I would lastly like to bemoan the prevalence of dance acts and singers on BGT. Sorry, but a synchronised group of people (in or out of water) moving to music (music which seems to conform to a generic style) is no longer as entertaining for us as those participating, who have "worked so hard". To all those who, when questioned, say "it would be like a dream come true" to explain what winning would mean, I suggest developing some creativity in answering the dumb-ass questions posed by presenters.
So, two more nights to go, then the final on Saturday. The dog stands a good chance, as do the XXXXL opera singers. Fortunately we won't see the organist, the xylophone player, the percussionist and some other musicians who (whilst technically excellent - and I do recall a female violinist and a chap on the piano who was rejected before the semis) can't ever really hope to capture the public's imagination in the same way as someone with a wonderful voice or unusual talent. What does grate on me is that the 'variety' aspect seems so often to lose out; I believe that singers, whether groups or individuals, should be banned from BGT if they have the option to enter X-Factor. BGT is a platform for real variety, and really singers below 16 or those singing non-X-Factor music should be the only ones allowed.
Let's see what Wed & Thu bring us.
...
What I am frustrated by, though, is the shift toward the 'All in a good cause' justification for acts being given a chance to annoy us or entertain us in equal measure. At one stage, the 'Sob Story' was the main grievance I had with the show, and the manipulation of the audience by the show's producers. These days, we've moved on to the social good that is done by various people, and how disadvantaged youngsters have been given a chance. Sorry, but in terms of touting for votes - Fuck Off.
The clue as to the basis for this show is TALENT in the title. It is most definitely NOT anything to do with getting kids off the streets, occupying teenagers who would otherwise have mugged old ladies or stabbed a terrier. Nor is it a show that's called "They've All Worked Very Hard". Of course they fucking have, I'd expect them to do a bit more than fall out of bed, rub their teeth with a flannel and turn up with a shell suit expecting to be the next Diversity.
I expect BGT to find people with Talent. So, just like the Queen and Government should NOT be giving honours (MBEs, Knighthoods etc) to people on the basis of "Britain's Got People Who Do Their Jobs Quite Well", BGT judges should NOT be giving kudos to people who turn up to do their job. A singer last night appeared with her daughter for a crap double act. The woman had done "thousands of gigs", she claimed, and had been singing for 20 years. In such circumstances, I suggest that there's no element of discovery about her singing for us, nor of entertainment, nor of talent. In effect, she was doing her job, for which she is paid the minimum wage. I wonder if she dragged her daughter along to save a child minder fee (?)
Sorry, but the synchronised swimmers the other day were not viable as an act. I have nothing against the sport; in fact, it is one of the very hardest things to tackle, and I commend those who have the dedication to train for so long to achieve such good results. However, there is no place on BGT for four massive water tanks to be hoiked around, and used to display four women doing what amounted to their job. There were Olympic athletes. The correct arena for their skills is a swimming pool, and they should be in a competition such as the Olympics. A talent contest is just inappropriate. That's not a talent in this sense - otherwise we would have to watch showjumpers getting horses over parallel bars, blokes shoving a ha'penny, and a darts player scoring one-hundred-and-eighty. The fact that one of the four in the swimming team was about to cry having revealed her own sob story (she was deselected from the 2012 Olympics) is NOT a basis for us deciding on any enetertainment value in her getting wet. As I say, not something that belongs in a talent contest - by participating, they were actually devaluing their own sport and their efforts.
I thought the choir was good - the Welsh chaps in 'Only Boys Aloud'. HOWEVER, let's remove the fact that they all "worked so very hard" and remove the fact that the choirmaster collected the waifs and strays from desolate ex-mining communities and street corners where they hung around the entrances to Costcutter, Nisa and Spar shops. Let's instead concentrate on the talent aspect, and I suggest that whilst the choir was good, a blindfolded listener would struggle to distinguish it from nine others, formed from Welsh blokes. So, in summary, we heard a Welsh choir. This isn't really talent, so much as a choir from Wales in the running order; any Welsh choir would have done. Sorry, but it's true; there are dozens of really good choirs, and I don't think we suddenly 'discovered' something great, or different, or a group with any talent different from that within the well established tradition of blokes singing together.
The Mend were pretty good (not that this style of music is my own favourite) but just because they've done well for themselves and avoided getting into trouble on their sink-estate, that's not a reason to decide they have talent enough to go through ahead of anyone else. By default, that would be another sob story, or some sort of sociological triumph. The Zimmers tonight was another example of a desire to make us think "Ooh, aren't they marvellous, these old people", and their getting put through. Sorry, they can't sing for toffee [or chew it, probably] and wonderful as it all is that they sing and sway, it's not entertaining at all.
Last night an organ salesman appeared, and what did he do? He played the organ. Hmmmmmm. That's his fucking job, demonstrating to punters why they should spend £1500 on trying to perform like John Benson, from Sale of the Century. He was shite, but the 'performance' was fortunately short. I won't mention any of the various dance acts, because they are mostly boring and/or repetitive and/or working very hard. They all profess to offer the youth of today an outlet that stops them nicking sweets from Forbuoys. Older people are no better, as we've had the "Where's my keys, where's my phone?" crap - twice. Disappointingly, the Loveable Rogues decided to sing the same song again for their semi-final tonight. Let's hope that for the final, they've got something different.
I have previously commented on the visitors to these shores, whose own national 'talent shows' seem not to want them, or perhaps even exist. Is there a France's GT, Hungary's GT, Ireland's GT, Latvia's GT or Germany's GT? I don't know. It seems that the ineffective (and arguably non-existent) immigration control in the UK extends to opening the performance borders as well. Guatemala's Got Talent is still in the planning stage, so all Guatemalans are invited to come on down to BGT.
I would lastly like to bemoan the prevalence of dance acts and singers on BGT. Sorry, but a synchronised group of people (in or out of water) moving to music (music which seems to conform to a generic style) is no longer as entertaining for us as those participating, who have "worked so hard". To all those who, when questioned, say "it would be like a dream come true" to explain what winning would mean, I suggest developing some creativity in answering the dumb-ass questions posed by presenters.
So, two more nights to go, then the final on Saturday. The dog stands a good chance, as do the XXXXL opera singers. Fortunately we won't see the organist, the xylophone player, the percussionist and some other musicians who (whilst technically excellent - and I do recall a female violinist and a chap on the piano who was rejected before the semis) can't ever really hope to capture the public's imagination in the same way as someone with a wonderful voice or unusual talent. What does grate on me is that the 'variety' aspect seems so often to lose out; I believe that singers, whether groups or individuals, should be banned from BGT if they have the option to enter X-Factor. BGT is a platform for real variety, and really singers below 16 or those singing non-X-Factor music should be the only ones allowed.
Let's see what Wed & Thu bring us.
...
Sunday, 6 May 2012
6.5.12 The Voice Live Show 2
5th May
Dear, oh dear, oh dear; this show is degenerating rapidly. What makes everthing so much worse, though are the following two facts:
a) The judges take this whole thing far too seriously and believe that 'The Voice UK' is some fantastic phenomenon with the four of them inhabiting the centre of everyone's universe.
b) This shit cost licence fee payers £24million!
What does this ludicrous amount of money get? Well, let's have a closer look at exactly what we are getting for our money.
Reggie Yates
He is completely and utterly pointless. I will not waste a third sentence on him.
Holly Willoughby
She dispenses hugs to each of the singers after his/her performance, and then talks shit, prompting unresponsive judges just as an explorer might prod a small creature with a stick out in the wild. This is mixed in with sudden outbusts, where she hollers like fuck - so, 'Hollery Willoughby'. I reckon this woman (who's apparently a 'national treasure') could hail a taxi in Oxford Street while standing in the car park at Watford Gap services.
Will.i.am
Jesus Christ! No, this is not an exultation directed at the new Messiah, but an exclamation of complete disbelief at the condoned weirdness of someone paid half a million quid to be 'away with the fairies'. Now, I know that the £500k was not enough to keep his attention on the job, because we've heard that he keeps going back to the States because of 'other commitments'. [Sorry, but who the fuck gave him that much on the basis that it was part-cuntin-time?] But when he is in his chair, it's quite clear his mind is elsewhere.
"I just wanna watch the performers perform so that with my team, we can, er, strategise."
"You did your thing on that one; not much I can say but wowsers."
"I make myself laugh sometimes."
"Straight from the gate, you were, like, zoom."
"Like, like, you know, like, you're an artist."
It's fair to say that i.am.a.nikon is one messed up bloke who seems to court people and convince them he's a genius. I suspect he's going to end up as a cult leader, convincing people to join him on his spaceship, for a journey to Disc World (or perhaps Box World - you know, the fucked-up place inhabited by Noel Edmonds, where everything revolves around a box and a wanker on the phone).
Danny, Oh
Please can someone tell him to control his features, as I'm fed up with the pained expressions. Then there's his constant fidgeting in that chair. He must have been a handful for his parents when being told to sit still on an aeroplane. As for worthwhile comment? No, not a chance of anything worth shit.
"This is a great show, representing this beautiful country of yours; you, Bo, are an incredible artist, all around the world there is a Voice, but the UK has something special."
Jessie J
Sorry, luv - you may be arguably the sanest person in the chairs and you do claim to be 'honest' but when someone is shit, you're as bad as the other twats, and avoid at all costs giving straightforward input. Gain some respect and be the first to say to someone that "it was not good" or "you were flat" or "even Danny sing's better than that!"
Tom
It's hard to know what to say to someone who's been there, done that, and knows every cunt on the planet from Abraham Lincoln to Ghandi, and Muddy Waters to Captain Beefheart. This guy could name-drop for a living; hmmm . . . . actually, isn't that what he's doing right now? It seems so, apart from the occasional useless comment.
"Sometimes it's good to be 18. I remember when I was 18, some good things came out. All in all, you did a great job."
The Singers
Toni - Awful, horrible, shit. She "made it her own" and will hopefully fucking keep it.
Max - Despite Will's insistence (like, like) that he's an artist, he was trumped by Hollery's input, when she enquired of Danny: "It must make your job very easily." Tom said: "You did a great job." Thanks, Tom, I don't know how we'd manage without you.
Ruth - Absolutely shit as fuck. When in the run-up to the actual singing, Ruth mentioned the 'Blind Audition' I think she should have expanded on the phrase and used 'Senseless Audition'. Danny shut his eyes and nodded, and apart from having to see him do so, it was his most prophetic input this series. Meanwhile I cut off both my ears and took up post-impressionist painting, and even though I'm not Dutch, I felt I was in a better place than Van Gogh because I had removed Ruth's noise from my life. Jessie said "It wasn't perfect" which was the closest she came all night to speaking the truth. I.am.an.Iams.cat went on about a lower register and wobbling. Will is the only one wobbling. I was thinking that I wish when the register was called, Will was absent.
Hannah - Okay
Vince - He sang "Always On My Mind" and it was so high pitched I had to turn away 17 stray dogs from my front door. Afterwards, he told Hollery: "I enjoyed every single minute of that." I thought the opposite, but was thankful that the 'every single minute' actually amounted to 'two', thank God. Tom = "You made it your own." Danny = "You made it your own." Will = "You did your thing on that one." ???
Aleks - 'Dream a Little Dream' - yawn (with a slight lisp) but bearable. Apparently he "made it his own".
Cassius - This was truly awful. He started off with his hood resting on top of his bald head, and I had two visions. One was of Brian Friedman a few years ago when he was on the X-Factor, and taped his hood to his shaven head, and the other was of 'Scream'.
This warbling and strained nonsense was typical of everything that's shit about today's chart music. Danny I Did A Poo said it was a 'bit pitchy'. No, dodo, it wasn't even 'a bit patchy' unless you're allowed to have 'patchy' everywhere (?) Will.u.just.politely.say.goodnight managed to visit the fairies and talk gibberish. As Casio Scientific Calculat left, Hollery bellowed: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cassius Henry." From my sofa I wailed back: "No fucking thanks, I don't want him - have him back!"
David - Tom came out with "You made it your own" of course, along with "Long live curly hair." Tom, you are worth your fee six times over - I DON'T THINK! As for i.am.a.drip I am lost for words, and it's a shame he wasn't! He came out with a load of shit that a baby of 22 months would manage - a load of made up words and gibberish, and then stated he'd just made words up. This, from a supposed songwriter!
Becky - She was all right, and at the end, three judges stood, and eventually will.i.stand.up stood up as well, almost begrudgingly. Jessie enlightened us all by saying: "You made it your own", and Tom mentioned Janis Joplin (well, why wouldn't he!). Will just mentioned the length of her cord, and I wondered if Becky was having to resist the urge to wrap it around his neck.
Bo - Tom told us: "We are learning about their voices but learning about their lives as well." Tit. Bo reminded me (with her eye make-up) that haven't yet seen the Pandas in Edinburgh Zoo. Jessie joined in that The Voice UK is a great show. All in all, everyone patted each other on the back for being swell, sound and an artist.
Organised lunacy, this show! I expect the results will be riveting . . . . . yawn.
...
THE RESULTS
6th May
Well, we've just been served up the second helping - The Results - seemingly filmed straight after yesterday's show, because everyone is in the same clothes 24hr on (?)
What the hell is it with this "Artist" shit. Apparently everyone on the show was ordained one and it's now the default description of everyone on the show! Bollocks - none has yet earned the right to be called an artist; most will never be heard of again, when they get kicked off.
So, we had the small talk at the beginning, where everyone said they were proud of everyone and anyone they could be proud of. Will revealed: " I am still studying, you know." Tom congratulated everyone and especially his fellow judges, and for a moment, smoke (or was it dry ice) found its way up a few arses.
Then we moved on to the recap of the 'performances'. I heard Jessie say: "This show's about the voice" and as said earlier, she does not tell the truth, despite claiming to do so. We heard that Ruth has "grown so much" although she was "a bit pitchy". WTF?
Jessie's acts were up first, and the two left were Toni and Ruth. Hollery asked Jessie if she was surprised, and got a "Yeak". Why, for fuck's sake? The two worst acts were up for eviction! We couldn't learn any more on who was going, as "Here come four artists . . . " came out of Holly's gob at 97mph and 117db. Tom's team sang something that was okay.
Danny's acts (no, they're not fucking 'artists') were next, and Hannah and Max were left to the mercy of Danny. We flicked over to Reggie in the "V-Room" to waste two-and-a-half minutes of life before finding that Jessie was saving Toni. No surprise, because Ruth was shit. "You've come such a long way" means little, other than it's a long way back again. Apparently "it's not the end" (but of course, it is).
Danny saved Max and Hannah had to go. This shows what a fucking mess these competitions are, and why no one should let himself or herself be bothered. Both of Jessie's acts were worst than Danny's, and should have gone home.
The Farce continues next week.
...
Dear, oh dear, oh dear; this show is degenerating rapidly. What makes everthing so much worse, though are the following two facts:
a) The judges take this whole thing far too seriously and believe that 'The Voice UK' is some fantastic phenomenon with the four of them inhabiting the centre of everyone's universe.
b) This shit cost licence fee payers £24million!
What does this ludicrous amount of money get? Well, let's have a closer look at exactly what we are getting for our money.
Reggie Yates
He is completely and utterly pointless. I will not waste a third sentence on him.
Holly Willoughby
She dispenses hugs to each of the singers after his/her performance, and then talks shit, prompting unresponsive judges just as an explorer might prod a small creature with a stick out in the wild. This is mixed in with sudden outbusts, where she hollers like fuck - so, 'Hollery Willoughby'. I reckon this woman (who's apparently a 'national treasure') could hail a taxi in Oxford Street while standing in the car park at Watford Gap services.
Will.i.am
Jesus Christ! No, this is not an exultation directed at the new Messiah, but an exclamation of complete disbelief at the condoned weirdness of someone paid half a million quid to be 'away with the fairies'. Now, I know that the £500k was not enough to keep his attention on the job, because we've heard that he keeps going back to the States because of 'other commitments'. [Sorry, but who the fuck gave him that much on the basis that it was part-cuntin-time?] But when he is in his chair, it's quite clear his mind is elsewhere.
"I just wanna watch the performers perform so that with my team, we can, er, strategise."
"You did your thing on that one; not much I can say but wowsers."
"I make myself laugh sometimes."
"Straight from the gate, you were, like, zoom."
"Like, like, you know, like, you're an artist."
It's fair to say that i.am.a.nikon is one messed up bloke who seems to court people and convince them he's a genius. I suspect he's going to end up as a cult leader, convincing people to join him on his spaceship, for a journey to Disc World (or perhaps Box World - you know, the fucked-up place inhabited by Noel Edmonds, where everything revolves around a box and a wanker on the phone).
Danny, Oh
Please can someone tell him to control his features, as I'm fed up with the pained expressions. Then there's his constant fidgeting in that chair. He must have been a handful for his parents when being told to sit still on an aeroplane. As for worthwhile comment? No, not a chance of anything worth shit.
"This is a great show, representing this beautiful country of yours; you, Bo, are an incredible artist, all around the world there is a Voice, but the UK has something special."
Jessie J
Sorry, luv - you may be arguably the sanest person in the chairs and you do claim to be 'honest' but when someone is shit, you're as bad as the other twats, and avoid at all costs giving straightforward input. Gain some respect and be the first to say to someone that "it was not good" or "you were flat" or "even Danny sing's better than that!"
Tom
It's hard to know what to say to someone who's been there, done that, and knows every cunt on the planet from Abraham Lincoln to Ghandi, and Muddy Waters to Captain Beefheart. This guy could name-drop for a living; hmmm . . . . actually, isn't that what he's doing right now? It seems so, apart from the occasional useless comment.
"Sometimes it's good to be 18. I remember when I was 18, some good things came out. All in all, you did a great job."
The Singers
Toni - Awful, horrible, shit. She "made it her own" and will hopefully fucking keep it.
Max - Despite Will's insistence (like, like) that he's an artist, he was trumped by Hollery's input, when she enquired of Danny: "It must make your job very easily." Tom said: "You did a great job." Thanks, Tom, I don't know how we'd manage without you.
Ruth - Absolutely shit as fuck. When in the run-up to the actual singing, Ruth mentioned the 'Blind Audition' I think she should have expanded on the phrase and used 'Senseless Audition'. Danny shut his eyes and nodded, and apart from having to see him do so, it was his most prophetic input this series. Meanwhile I cut off both my ears and took up post-impressionist painting, and even though I'm not Dutch, I felt I was in a better place than Van Gogh because I had removed Ruth's noise from my life. Jessie said "It wasn't perfect" which was the closest she came all night to speaking the truth. I.am.an.Iams.cat went on about a lower register and wobbling. Will is the only one wobbling. I was thinking that I wish when the register was called, Will was absent.
Hannah - Okay
Vince - He sang "Always On My Mind" and it was so high pitched I had to turn away 17 stray dogs from my front door. Afterwards, he told Hollery: "I enjoyed every single minute of that." I thought the opposite, but was thankful that the 'every single minute' actually amounted to 'two', thank God. Tom = "You made it your own." Danny = "You made it your own." Will = "You did your thing on that one." ???
Aleks - 'Dream a Little Dream' - yawn (with a slight lisp) but bearable. Apparently he "made it his own".
Cassius - This was truly awful. He started off with his hood resting on top of his bald head, and I had two visions. One was of Brian Friedman a few years ago when he was on the X-Factor, and taped his hood to his shaven head, and the other was of 'Scream'.
This warbling and strained nonsense was typical of everything that's shit about today's chart music. Danny I Did A Poo said it was a 'bit pitchy'. No, dodo, it wasn't even 'a bit patchy' unless you're allowed to have 'patchy' everywhere (?) Will.u.just.politely.say.goodnight managed to visit the fairies and talk gibberish. As Casio Scientific Calculat left, Hollery bellowed: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Cassius Henry." From my sofa I wailed back: "No fucking thanks, I don't want him - have him back!"
David - Tom came out with "You made it your own" of course, along with "Long live curly hair." Tom, you are worth your fee six times over - I DON'T THINK! As for i.am.a.drip I am lost for words, and it's a shame he wasn't! He came out with a load of shit that a baby of 22 months would manage - a load of made up words and gibberish, and then stated he'd just made words up. This, from a supposed songwriter!
Becky - She was all right, and at the end, three judges stood, and eventually will.i.stand.up stood up as well, almost begrudgingly. Jessie enlightened us all by saying: "You made it your own", and Tom mentioned Janis Joplin (well, why wouldn't he!). Will just mentioned the length of her cord, and I wondered if Becky was having to resist the urge to wrap it around his neck.
Bo - Tom told us: "We are learning about their voices but learning about their lives as well." Tit. Bo reminded me (with her eye make-up) that haven't yet seen the Pandas in Edinburgh Zoo. Jessie joined in that The Voice UK is a great show. All in all, everyone patted each other on the back for being swell, sound and an artist.
Organised lunacy, this show! I expect the results will be riveting . . . . . yawn.
...
THE RESULTS
6th May
Well, we've just been served up the second helping - The Results - seemingly filmed straight after yesterday's show, because everyone is in the same clothes 24hr on (?)
What the hell is it with this "Artist" shit. Apparently everyone on the show was ordained one and it's now the default description of everyone on the show! Bollocks - none has yet earned the right to be called an artist; most will never be heard of again, when they get kicked off.
So, we had the small talk at the beginning, where everyone said they were proud of everyone and anyone they could be proud of. Will revealed: " I am still studying, you know." Tom congratulated everyone and especially his fellow judges, and for a moment, smoke (or was it dry ice) found its way up a few arses.
Then we moved on to the recap of the 'performances'. I heard Jessie say: "This show's about the voice" and as said earlier, she does not tell the truth, despite claiming to do so. We heard that Ruth has "grown so much" although she was "a bit pitchy". WTF?
Jessie's acts were up first, and the two left were Toni and Ruth. Hollery asked Jessie if she was surprised, and got a "Yeak". Why, for fuck's sake? The two worst acts were up for eviction! We couldn't learn any more on who was going, as "Here come four artists . . . " came out of Holly's gob at 97mph and 117db. Tom's team sang something that was okay.
Danny's acts (no, they're not fucking 'artists') were next, and Hannah and Max were left to the mercy of Danny. We flicked over to Reggie in the "V-Room" to waste two-and-a-half minutes of life before finding that Jessie was saving Toni. No surprise, because Ruth was shit. "You've come such a long way" means little, other than it's a long way back again. Apparently "it's not the end" (but of course, it is).
Danny saved Max and Hannah had to go. This shows what a fucking mess these competitions are, and why no one should let himself or herself be bothered. Both of Jessie's acts were worst than Danny's, and should have gone home.
The Farce continues next week.
...
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