25.8.20 Lenny Henry Disaster

On Radio 4 this evening, at 6.30pm, the BBC aired an horrendous slice of purported entertainment.  In fact, it was lined up as 'comedy' but it was so far from funny that I'd label it cringeworthy.

Awful

The Lenny Henry Show was on the radio not because of a single shred of value, but because it was Lenny Henry doing it.  What a sad day indeed when 'merit' is ignored, and personality is deemed enough by the CIC* to allow such a colossal pile of shit to be shared amongst the population.  Talk about stereo-typical sketches and characters, and a complete obsession by LH with being black, and forcing listeners to wonder what on earth he was going on about.  His characterisations were appalling and unfunny.  Apparently he is back next week, Tuesday 6.30pm.  I will be finding a brick wall to drive at, in preference to this utter crap.  I challenge you to listen to it online, and not conclude like me that this is as bad as it gets.

*CIC = Cunts In Charge)
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21.8.20 Uptick My Arse!

There is a growing and very annoying rise in the use of the term "uptick" by people who think they are being clever or interesting through use of this shit term.  It seems to have crept into the UK from the USA, and it is an unwelcome visitor to be sure.  If there has been "a slight rise" in something, then that is what has occurred, and there is no fucking need to rephrase as "an uptick".

This morning on Radio 4, Sarah Smith used it regarding the number of Covid-19 cases recorded in Croatia.  Cases have risen, yes, although the definition of 'uptick' being a 'slight rise' is hardly appropriate when the increase in cases of positive tests was significant - from 10 per 100k people to 27 per 100k people.  That is more than a cunting uptick, it's a 170% increase!  The 'tick' element is not helpful, what with its positive connotations.

So overall, I would suggest that "uptick" is a pretentious, twattish, tossy term, and it certainly should not become part of daily twaddle and misused like "epicentre" by just about every fucker in journalism.  As for the comment this morning, I would say that it was an "upfuck", Sarah!

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21.8.2020 The Top Of Your Lungs?

"Singing along at the top of your lungs" said the woman on the advert for the V Festival, sponsored by Virgin Media.  I understand singing at the top of my voice, but I am struggling to comprehend the concept of the top of my lungs being relevant.

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18.8.20 Thanks, Martha

On Radio 4 this morning, Martha Kearney was in discussion with a guest and in commenting on the size of something, had to introduce an element of scale.

"So about half the size of an A5 sheet then" was her utterance.  That is an A6 sheet, Martha; the paper sizes follow a logic, which is more than your own approach.  Why pick A5 and then halve it?

Thanks.

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13.8.20 How Not To Buy A Cunting Oven

The simple comment/answer to this is.............. try to buy from Currys PC World.

One might be forgiven for thinking this large company can get its act together sufficiently well to see a fucking oven.  Alas, I could not succeed in this task, and I was forced to abandon the purchase of a fan-assisted oven.  I 'fannied about' for a while on laptop and phone, trying to gain some input that might be mildly useful.

My existing inbuilt oven has ceased working, and as I bought it from CPCW I thought I'd get the same one.  Pleasantly surprised to find it available, in stock and at the same price, I was all for clicking and paying and collecting tomorrow - as presented to me as the option (delivery not available).  My roast pork dinner tomorrow was assured.

Well, my roast dinner is definitely assured, thanks to Argos/Sainsbury's, and no thanks to CPCW. The heading for this post might equally be written as "How To Not Buy An Oven" as long as you can tolerate a split infinitive; I believe it is justified insofar as "Not Buy" is acting as the verb.  Both interpretations/statements lead to the same thing - no cuntin oven.

I thought I would call the store, but the main number given was not for the store, but a generic message service.  A second number yielded the same fucking thing.  I tried to buy over the phone, pressing option fuck-knows-what-number, and it directed me back to the website.

At my laptop, I thought I'd try Webchat.  This served to rile me further, with a 'Virtual' assistant and this was not virtually anything but useless.  It could not cope with a question at all.  A generic picture of an operator with CUNT tattooed on his/her forehead would have been apt.  Whoever programmed this facility must have had an IQ of about fifty.

Back to the website, and a search for any fucking availability of the oven.

I put in a postcode and store, and the message appeared about nothing available in the nine nearest stores.  I clicked for a further afield search, and after 18, 27 and then 36 stores, fuck all.  So it is cunting out of stock then!  I know this because I entered Birmingham and other locations, and established no availability.  The brand of the intended purchase was Logik.  There was no logic to this fucking online system for buying anything.

Sort yourselves out, you people in charge of CPCW!

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12.8.20 Curly Wurly Concerns

Something is going on at Cadbury.  Tampering has begun, after many years of stability in Curly Wurly world.  Until now, the standard until of measurement has been 26g.  That's right, 26g has been the weight of a Curly Wurly for as long as I can remember.  I appreciate this is hardly a nice round number, but that aside, the stability was something I was able to appreciate.

Multi-packs have been sold for many years; five in a packet, commonly available at £1.25 or, when on offer, £1.00.  Yesterday in Asda, I was flabbergasted after clocking the new multi-pack, which announced it contained six bars.

I was pleased that there were now 6, for one pound, but was immediately suspicious, expecting there to be foul play involved.  There had to be a catch, so I checked the weights, convinced that there would be some tampering, to reduce the size/weight of the sacred Curly Wurly.  I was correct; no longer was 26g the standard - instead they were 21.5g each.

On what cunting planet is 21.5g a sensible portion size?  Who the cunting fuck at Cadbury decided that it was time, arbitrarily, to piss about with a Curly Wurly?  The CIC* are clearly bored as fuck and thought they would mix it up a bit.

I actually think this is little more than phase one of a plan to fuck the consumer, as ever.  The 5-pack of 26g CWs totalled 130g, and this reconfiguration reduces the weight by a single gramme.  It does nothing to reduce the plastic wrapping, though, as one extra wrapper is now having to be disposed of.

It is only a matter of time before the 6-pack reverts to a 5-pack and the CIC have wangled a net 22.5g reduction in goods for no reduction in price.  That would mean a 17.3% reduction in weight for the same sale price, or an effective 20.9% increase in price.  This is my prediction - let's see how long it takes to come true.

* Cunts In Charge

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10.2.20 Awful Utterances

I have collected some more examples of pathetic English, grammar and fuckwittery.  Yes, that last word is made up, but considering what so many cunts get away with, I feel I have the right to create a decent way of referring to the culprits.

At this present in time - Dione Dublin

MI5 have published its own version .... Evan Davis R4

It's interesting to note the words choosed - John Sopel

You have to execute accurately - Rugby pundit

When they got the ball they really utilised it - Pundit Kathy (Women's Rugby)

In and around his feet - Alan Shearer (in his feet ??)

In and around the keeper - Martin Keown (in the keeper ??)

You deserve to be in the later half of this competition - Ashley Banjo (meaning latter)

Temperatures still mild - BBC weather .... weather can be mild, but not temperatures

With the wind direction coming from the North East - Louise Lear (the wind comes from the North East, not the wind direction, Louise)

With a cold wind sinking its way in - Lucy Verasamy

The odd bit or piece of rain - BBC1 weather

The costs of wages and rents are cheaper - total claptrap

One of these have got to get it - Stephen Mulhern

The garden is entering into the house - Monty Don

Game over, to all extents and purposes - Chris Sculley (meaning "intents")

Cematoriums - John Irvine ITV News, utterly failing to say "crematoria"

Ausvitch - John Irvine, twice unable to pronounce where he was on ITV News - WTF?

Swindon have retook the lead - Sohail Sahi on BBC1 Final Score

It's very difficult when a child kills themselves - unattributed

Ainsley Harriott's Special Menu

It takes between 10 and 15 years for a tree to bear their fruit

I'm gonna season that up

Just sauteing those off

They're cooking down beautifully

As soon as that starts to melt down (butter in a pan)

It's going to reduce down - let that bubble down

You can see that's reduced right down now

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