Yesterday got underway with the usual diet of cookery programmes, as if these are ever in short supply. Yes, we could gorge so easily on the multiple servings.
Saturday Kitchen
James Martin's Saturday Morning
John and Lisa's Christmas Kitchen (on the fucking 4th of January!)
Nadia's Family Feasts
Beautiful Baking With Juliet Sear
The Great Festive Bake Off
Best Home Cook (with Mary Fucking Berry)
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA
Extreme Chocolate Makers
I am not sure if the last one counts, but what the fuck! Yes, the overload of food shite is obvious, especially as this was just for Saturday 4th January, and is for the main channels, not the specialist ones that obsess with one thing. Sadly, food is the obsession for some this month, who are drawn in by the bollocks that is "Veganuary". This is giving rise to dollops of pontification, and bias that is giving me a bad stomach ache. First, let's get the other cooking stuff out of the way:
Mary Berry's Country House Secrets *
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Jamie and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast (With Mary Fucking Berry)
Come Dine With Me
Couples Come Dine With Me
MasterChef: The Professionals
The Best Dishes Ever
Gino's Italian Express
Food Unwrapped: New Year Health Secrets
* I don't know if this is food related or not, but she's involved.
Then we have some other food-related offerings, because clearly the nation is obsessed with anything that can be eaten. There is a subtle and not so subtle theme this week, where programme schedulers have opted to give us double or triple helpings of various shows. Food is included, as evidenced by Channel 5 and its triple on Sunday 5th.
Secrets Of The Kellogg's Factory
From Coco Pops To Weetabix: Britain's Favourite Cereal
The Wonderful World Of Chocolate
Yes, that's FOUR HOURS of a food-fix, that'll prompt you to sit on your sofa and gorge on anything you can get your teeth on. Elsewhere, there are other food-related snacks.
Lose Weight And Get Fit With Tom Kerridge
The first of six programmes in which Tom and bore us rigid.
How To Lose Weight Well
The Pritikin diet, the protein-pacing diet, and the plant-based greenprint diet. Yawn.
Eat Well For Less?
The horrendous and ubiquitous Gregg Wallace serves us more shit, explaining to a thick family that buying cheaper food will save them money. This week, it's the turn of James and Rianna to learn this golden nugget, and help themselves and their two kids - Tallulah-Belle and Penelope (really?) What the fuck!
Now over to the aforementioned bollocks that is Veganuary, arguably the worst ever made-up word. Certainly less appealing than the all-month fuckathon which is Fucktober.
Veganville - Tue 10:35pm BBC1
Five vegans head to Merthyr Tydfil on a mission to convert meat eaters. Hardly an Enid Blyton plot, and their tactics are more 'animal rights activist' than 'pacifist plant eater'.
Meat The Family - Wed 9:00pm Channel 4
Families care for farm animals in their homes, and then have to decide whether to eat them or not. Great concept, Channel 4. Who commissioned this disastrous crap?
Apocalypse Cow: How Meat Killed The Planet - Wed 10:00pm Channel 4
Yes, hot on the heels of wondering whether to eat Babe or not, we are treated to another dose of animal related foodstuff.
Some of the other double and triple helpings feature all sorts of themes. There is of course the daily dose from ITV of quizes, and the block-booking of three hours in the schedules.
3:00 Tenable
4:00 Tipping Point
5:00 The Chase
Channel 5 likes a more macabre theme for its double on Tuesday:
10:00 Murdered On My Honeymoon
11:05 Missing Or Murdered: The Disappearance Of Lee Boxell
We already had some boring digging and exploration in yesterday's Channel 5 triple:
7:05 Digging Up Britain's Past
8:00 Tony Robinson's History Of Britain
9:00 How The Victorians Built Britain
Ov aer on ITV yesterday, things were so much worse. After a double dose of celebrity shit
(a good name for a show, surely?) we had three hours of singing-related shite before another celebrity serving. Overall, six hours and twenty minutes of awfulness.
5:00 The Chase Celebrity Special
6:00 Celebrity Catchphrase
7:00 The Masked Singer
8:30 The Voice
10:05 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity Special
The ITV Sunday schedule brings together all the aforementioned components for a line-up that is truly horrendous. Three hours of cooking, then after the news and weather, The Voice, The Masked Singer, Tipping Point, more news and weather, then The Chase Celebrity Special, Dancing On Ice, The Masked Singer and WWTBAM Celebrity Special again. Basically 13 hours of re-runs and shit.
Elsewhere, some of the random programmes in the TV Guide bring little delight. Channel 5 at least resisted the temptation of calling Britain's Loudest Snorers "The Great British Snore Off". BBC2's listing for this afternoon is mildly confusing, as I wonder if they went together:
Holiday Of My Lifetime With Len Goodman With Paralympian Baroness Tanni Grey-Thompson
Portillo is off and running (well, train catching) with the first of his fifteen editions of Great British Railway Journeys. Yet another programme that forces use of the word "British". Channel 5 has introduced its own option for railways, with a one-hour-and-fifty minute slog, World's Most Scenic Railway Journey: Minute By Minute. Then, to really push the boat/train out, we have World's Most Luxurious Trains as well on Channel 5, and hour on Wednesday night.
There are a fair few holiday and home related listings, as below:
BBC2 - Get Away For Winter
Channel 4 - Sun, Sea And Selling Houses
Channel 4 - A New Life In The Sun - Channel 4
Channel 4 - A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away
BBC1 - Escape To The Country
BBC1 - I Escaped To The Country
Channel 5 - Bargain-Loving Brits In The Sun
Channel 5 - The All-Inclusive: How Do They Do It?
I have seen the BBC2 programme The Baby Has Landed, but was totally unaware that Jonny Wilkinson had even drop-kicked it.
Wednesday night on BBC1 sees two crappy programmes; Eating With My Ex followed by My Mate's A Bad Date. I am not even going to bother you with details of the content of either.
I am not going to bother watching Thursday night's Channel 5 programme at 11:05pm. I'd watch Debbie Does Dallas, but somehow Eamonn & Ruth Do Monte Carlo holds no attraction at all. Meanwhile, on Channel 4, there is some nudity in the line-up, with a triple offer:
10:00pm - Naked Attraction
11:00pm - Naked Beach
12:00 - Sun, Sea And Surgery
The last of these was mentioned gratuitously by me, as it piqued my interest. Elsewhere, I have zero interest in the Channel 5 Secret Scotland With Susan Calman on Friday night. The write-up confirms that she will take a "500-mile trip around the northernmost parts of Britain". The Proclaimers spring to mind.
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