21.1.18 Criminal Labour Discrimination

There can be no excuse for this.  Outright racism by the Labour Party.  This level of discrimination is simply criminal.

...

14.1.18 Why The UK Is Fucked - No. 673

Speaks for itself.

...

14.1.18 Unnecessarily Long

For some reason, those in charge of BBC4 are determined to present us with programmes which have unnecessarily long titles.  Perhaps this is thought to compensate for the boring nature of the content, or perhaps the schedulers feel they have to explain exactly what the programmes are all about because otherwise we would not be able to work it out.

BBC4

The Race for the World's First Atomic Bomb: A Thousand Days of Fear
Timeshift: The People's Liners - Britain's Lost Pleasure Fleets
The Celts: Blood, Iron and Sacrifice with Alice Roberts and Neil Oliver
The Secret Life of Books: Confessions of an English Opium Eater
The Fairytale Castles of King Ludwig II with Dan Cruickshank
Better Than The Original: The Joy of the Cover Version
Je t'aime: The Story of French Song with Petula Clark
Annabel's Nightclub: A String of Naked Lightbulbs
Named and Shamed: Greatest Celebrity Scandals
Performance Live: Why It's Kicking Off Everywhere
Harry Potter and Whatever Absolute Fucking Bollocks He Is Involved In This Time
Bear About The House: Living With My Supersized Pet
Booze, Bar Crawls and Bulgaria: Stacey Dooley Investigates
Hits, Hype And Hustle: An Insider's Guide To The Music Business
Play It Loud: The Story Of The Marshall Amp
Henry VIII's Enforcer: The Rise And Fall Of Thomas Cromwell
Art, Passion And Power: The Story Of The Royal Collection
Catching History's Criminals: The Forensics Story
Anjelica Huston On James Joyce: A Shout In The Street
Timeshift: How To Be Sherlock Homes - The Many Faces Of A Master Detective
The New Builds Are Coming: Battle in the Countryside

...

13.1.18 Britain's Brightest Family - Not

Horror Show

There can be no doubt that one of the most dire quizes ever aired on British television hit our screens last week.  The offending programme was Britain's Brightest Family, hosted by Anne Hegerty.  Sadly someone advised her that she could be 'funny', and as a result, her input in this half-hour horror show was more misplaced than a hippo in the Arctic.

I challenge you to watch this week's offering, scheduled for Wednesday at 8.00pm on ITV.  You will I am sure find it hilarious because it is so bad, it's funny.

The concept of 'family' was itself a cause for concern in my own mind.  Teams comprised just three members on each team.  One family was mum, son and brother.  The other was a precocious girl, her dad and her uncle.  So both has a school-aged member, and two adults.  I was then treated to a run-down of their various 'qualifications' which included degrees, plus memberships and certificates.  In the hope of being impressed and entertained, I awaited the contributions of these bright sparks.

What a cunting farce.  Anne laboured through the script like a broken down snow plough dealing with an avalanche.  I was dumbfounded, and found myself incredulous at the six seated contestants and their collective lack of knowledge.  Here's an example.

Shakespeare Play

This teaser managed to stump all of them, and The Tempest was not volunteered.  Such was their uselessness and/or lack of speed in answering questions that in no way could count as challenging enough to help us all determine a 'bright family' let alone Britain's brightest fucking one.

The points 'system,' was itself laughable, because each correct answer was worth ten points - for no good reason at all.  There was no variation in the standard ten points, so the flexibility that might have been afforded by this 10-point approach was not needed.  The last five questions were scored at 20 each, just to undermine anyone who had done well but might then struggle with the last few - obviously when you get the questions wrong is a vital part of the system for judging, eh?  The final score was 160 - 120.   Sadly, the animated girl was on the winning team, so her little fist pumps and 'yes' utterances that so annoyed were not killed off in this round.

To close, Anne treated us to a teaspoon full of humour at least, by advising us viewers that the winners were through to the 'quarter finals'.  What the fuck?  These numpties were through to what?  I challenge ITV to explain how the fuck the entrants were decided upon.  I resent massively that there is an absolute certainty in play here - that the winners of Britain's Brightest Family will ABSOLUTELY NOT be Britain's Brightest Family.  I suggest that this is a real flaw and significant enough to undermine the whole cunting thing.

...

13.1.15 Freshwater Twat

"My name is Jeremy Wade, biologist and underwater detective."

This was the pompous introduction delivered by the man himself in last night's programme, River Monsters.  No, matey, you are a fish botherer, fish fondler and a freshwater twat.

...

12.1.18 Asda Yoyos and Foreskins

So much for the alleged 'Rollback' bollocks that Asda relentlessly touts.  I would like an explanation from those in charge, so that I may understand the process by which a store can be laden with red signs announcing this policy, while certain items are sold at prices that do not roll anywhere other than forward.

Below the banners I've seen this week that the 4-pack of Pot of Joy has been sold at £2.40.  This is the same item that was sold for the two weeks before Christmas at £1.

Similarly, the multi-packs of Peperami are £2.75, rather than £1.00 - the price that Asda decides to sell them at from time to time.

There is no 'Rolling Back' in operation at all.  Rather, the process at Asda is Yoyo.

There is so much evidence of this shite.  2-litre Sprite fluctuates between £1.85 and £1.00.  However, this week it has been upped to £1.25. 

I wonder if there might be much forward and backward rolling of the pickled elephant foreskins?

...

5.1.18 Mad Signs

Some confusing signage.

In my experience, very many certainly don't!

Double Parking Advice?  24hr & at all times, eh?

When's Anytime?

Always Constant?

Wise Advice

Helpfulness

Northern Lights

Being Mobile

...

5.1.18 Stormy Weather

The drivel uttered by supposed weather forecasters is abysmal; their abuse of the language is awful.  Here are some examples.

Rain journeying its way south

Sharp showers

The showers will be getting ideas above their station

Temperatures will fall away

Feeling decidedly autumnal today - Radio 4 weatherman, on 10th October, in the middle of fucking autumn

It's really going to feel autumnal as the week goes on - same twat on Radio 4, the following fucking day!

Temperatures struggling to get above - the concept of a a number struggling is ludicrous

Pesky showers

Rain knocking on the door

Muggy temperatures

A bit stuffy in the southeast

The risk of seeing some showers - this is NOT a 'risk'; pathetic bollocks

Showers with some wintry-ness in them - wtf is this?

Temperatures turning colder - No! Lowering!  Weather gets colder, not temperatures

The rain will be waxing and waning - Arsehole on a radio weather forecast

...

5.1.18 Football Shite

FOOTBALL RELATED QUOTES


Mark Pougatch: "They tick all the boxes, don't they!"
Lee Dixon: "They do.  The one box they don't tick is blah blah"

A matter of tact and sympathy return tonight.  [Mark Pougatch talking in non-English]

He's probably going to win the ball if it's in and around him.  [Ian Wright, talking shite]

So many numbers behind the ball.  [Danny Murphy]

This is what Everton done all game.  [Ian Wright]

I think it's a culmination of both.  [Ian Wright, meaning 'combination']

The uphill mountain he had to climb when he came in.  [Leon Osman]

The Mail on Sunday go with Harry Kane.  [Gary Lineker]

The discipline that they shown.  [Jermaine Jenas]

...

5.1.18 Channel Five Is Dire

Can there really be any dispute regarding the atrocious fodder presented to the viewer by Channel 5.  Here is an extract from today's schedule.

Aside from the weird and pathetic obsession with 'celebrities' who are in many cases not celebrities, the premise for shows is weak as fuck.  Costa Del Celebrity - really?

...

4.1.18 Definition of Smug

Julie Etchingham

...

1.1.18 Snap My Arse!

There is an annoying prevalence of the word 'snap' being misused with complete glee by those desperate to try and impress with supposed eloquence and command of the language.  This results in fury on my part.

Snap has a few meanings:

1. To break suddenly and completely (Verb)
2. To make a sudden audible bite (Verb)
3. A sudden, sharp cracking sound (Noun)
4. A hurried, irritable tone (Noun)
5. Done or taken on the spur of the moment (Adjective)

It is therefore true that it was a snap decision taken by Theresa May to hold a general election in he summer.  However, it was not a 'snap election' because the cunting thing arrived after a fucking six-week run-up.  It is in fact impossible to have a snap election, because there is always a prolonged build-up to such things.

Then we come to the idiotic prevalence of 'cold snap' being used by weather forecasters, whose delight in yet another pointless adoption of  words to use when waffling about weather is obvious.  I invite you to consider the five definitions above, and explain how the cunting fuck 'cold snap' can be legitimate.  Clearly it makes no sense without crushing the English language and making up shit!

What is worse than the misuse of snap within the 'cold snap' bollocks is the complete madness that crept in during a weather forecast a couple of weeks ago; I quote:

"It will matter if we get a very prolonged cold snap."

What the fucking fuck is a 'prolonged snap' then?

Arghhhhhhhhh!

...

1.1.18 Pointless Prepositions

There is an absurd obsession with tagging on a preposition when none is required.  The worst offenders are cooks, chefs, narrators and competitors on food programmes.  The television is swamped with food related programmes, and with them comes a hoard of idiots who cannot fry, reduce, cook or separate without flowering their utterances with shit.  Here are examples of the phenomenon.

Cook off the chicken
Reduce down the sauce
Separate out the leaves
Roast off the meat
Mold them up (ref samosas)
Fry off the butter
Braise down the leeks
Balance out the ingredients
Sealing off the meat

This all follows the same path as "return back" and other such ludicrous inputs.  Pleonastic SHIT!

...