Once again it's Eurovision time, when countries from inside and outside of Europe join in the palaver so that Graham Norton can chuckle along and give us his views on the wailing, shrieking and warbling, as well as the outlandish activities that occur on stage. 42 were whittled down to 26 for this evening's final. Something to consider is that this is supposed to be a song contest, and not a singing contest. Proper attention to this small matter would perhaps be something of a rarity.
Israel
IMRI - I Feel Alive
Rhyming 'fragile' with 'trouble' in the first line was not very impressive start, although the American pronunciation of 'fragile' got him a bit nearer to his objective. Out of tune for the first minute was further trouble. Sadly for us all he felt alive, and had to tell us repeatedly. This was disposable shite. He was apparently a backing singer until a year ago, and it is obvious now to the whole of Europe (plus Australia) that he should have stayed behind the scenes. Dire.
Poland
KASIA MOSS - Flashlight
A bit pained in her delivery. Nevertheless, there were some unusual elements that gave it a pleasing feel. Overall it was rather original, which has to be a good thing in this competition that's so often littered with 'anthems' about fuck all or corny stuff. Sadly, though, my enthusiasm drained with every second of the performance, as she insisted on growling some of the words, and that is NEVER a good tactic.
Belarus
NAVIBAND - Story of My Life
Middle of the road fayre, even if I had no idea what was being said, where the road was, or what was on either side. I was bored after 20 seconds, and despite not being able to speak the language, I clocked the repetition that killed any chance of artistic credence. Heyaaa-o-hey-ho. Simply frenetic, hippy-esque twaddle.
Austria
NATHAN TRENT - Running On Air
Austria's answer to Ed Sheeran was easy to listen to. It reminded me of a young Stephen Bishop, which is no bad thing at all, and rather better than any reminder of the ubiquitous Ed Sheeran. This should do well. It's the sort of song that Corinne Bailey Rae would deliver.
Armenia
ARTSVIK - Fly With Me
Not quite what I was expecting from Armenia, but it was interesting, and I quite liked it.
The Netherlands
OG3NE - Lights and Shadows
Graham told us there were two twins, and this helped me massively because the number of people involved in 'twins' is clearly something that's not generally known! Easy Listening, Dutch style. A safe offering that ticked a number of boxes. It didn't set much alight though, and was a bit forgettable, with a pitch that somehow niggled. It reminded me of poor version of The Corrs. Nowhere near the excellent effort from The Common Linnets (Calm After The Storm) a couple of years back.
Moldova
SUNSTROKE PROJECT - Hey Mamma
Shit.
Hungary
JOCI PAPAI - Origo
It sounded like someone praying loudly for a fair while. Then the snake-charmer music started, along with the clapping. I lost interest in this completely. On stage, there dancing woman provided some interest, and her waist-length hair was lovely.
Italy
FRANCESCO GABBANI - Occidentali's Karma
Blimey! This was crap. As for the fucking gorilla, madness.
Denmark
ANJA - Where I am
This was an awful song with less going for it than a hunchback in a posture competition. Formulaic and therefore unworthy; sorry, luv. Her mouth spent most of the three minutes open like that of a hippo.
Portugal
SALVADOR SOBRAL - Amar Pelos Dois
A surprisingly lovely performance and song. Delightful intonation and phrasing, and a smooth sound that was actually quite dreamy. A real surprise!
Azerbaijan
DIHAJ - Skeletons
She spent some time listening to Tatu, I think. The synths provided the backdrop for the standard chant/anthem/pop noise that was provided. Not awful, and there was a familiarity from her voice in the lighter sections, but this was simply pointless, overall. Angst and drums added to the discomfort for all.
Croatia
JACQUES HOUDEK - My Friend
What on fucking earth was this?
Australia
ISAIAH - Don't Come Easy
His effort in singing almost matched his effort in trying to look good. 17 years old, and already 'affected'. Shoes but no socks is simply silly. His pronunciation was horrendous for someone who is supposed to be able to speak English. I am sure this will do quite well, but actually, it shouldn't. The pretentiousness was overpowering.
Greece
DEMY - This is Love
Very typical of just about every dance record. Nothing special at all, and of course, out of tune here and there. "There's an echo in my head, and a story unread" she repeated a number of times, while two blokes played in a paddling pool in front of her on the stage.
Spain
MANEL NAVARRO - Do It For our Lover
He was certainly no Jason Mraz, despite an attempt to adopt a similar approach. This should have been inoffensive - but it wasn't....... and is that the basis upon which we should be judging a song? I think not. This was a niggle set to dubious music, and a really weak effort - I think 'puerile' is an appropriate adjective, while some tuneless notes attached my ears.
Norway
JOWST - Grab The Moment
Basically this was a bit of a mess, and instead of grabbing the moment, they throttled it. "I'm gonna kill that voice in my head" was promised by the 'singer'. I wished I could kill his voice! Shite.
United Kingdom
LUCIE JONES - Never Give Up On You
Evanescence gone wrong, I am afraid. This was hard work to listen to - tinnitus would have been a blessing for those three minutes. It should have been so much better but is was not up to much, musically. It needed to actually 'get going' and have a more varied vocal range rather than a continual whine.
Cyprus
HOVIG - Gravity
The sort of song you hear once and would do well never to hear again - as that would be so unnecessary. Awful words, poor vocals and two blokes prancing about behind him, pointlessly. Perhaps the worst choreography ever devised.
Romania
ILINCA ft. ALEX FLOREA - Yodel It!
I defy anyone to make a judgement on this effort and produce a proper summary of what happened. Sheer lunacy, poor vocals, yodeling and bollocks. It was so very bad that it is probably 'good' !
Germany
LEVINA - Perfect Life
A pretty decent effort from Germany. A fairly safe song that was better than the majority of the entries. It should get steady votes.
Ukraine
O.TORVALD - Time
"How can three minutes be this long?" said Graham just as the song was about to start. His comment was certainly not misplaced. The song itself was not actually the issue, but the chaps could not sing it! So, considering this is a song contest (and not a singing contest), it should have a chance.
Belgium
BLANCHE - City Lights
Subdued and interesting, and it managed to avoid the usual shouting, chanting and anthemic noise that so many consider essential in their efforts at winning. Well done, luv, for simply standing and singing. I liked it.
Sweden
ROBIN BENGTSSON - I Can't Go On
"I can't go on," he said - but he fucking did! AWFUL. And no fucking socks, with trousers 5 inches short of his shoes!
Bulgaria
KRISTIAN KOSTOV - Beautiful Mess
He is just 17 years old. Graham told us he was born in this century, but of course the year 2000 is in the 20th century, NOT the 21st century. Tut-tut, Graham. This was a really good song, and he sang it rather well. It should be one of the top three, no question, if there is any justice.
France
ALMA - Requiem
A real let down, this. She waffled away as though it was a shopping list, and this lightweight tosh was delivered in a rushed style that did nothing to improve her chances of coming anywhere near the top ten.
And that was it . . . . a painful experience and so much worse than most years. The three twats hosting the event were most certainly twats, and it was awful to suffer them. I noticed that most of the Union flags being waved were upside down; I rather think suppliers in Ukraine made a mistake in production. The voting will take up the next hour.
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