Jermain Jackman won last year's competition, although it seems he has sold fewer than 1000 copies of his debut album. As ever, The Voice has proved again that it is a competition not worth winning.
The semi-final was upon us, with all eight semi-finalists, if you can get your head round that! Wailing Willis proved there was no need for the microphone in her hand. As she wailed, I wondered why the caption on screen referred to "The Semi-finals" when there is actually only ONE of them - this one.
Lucy kicked us off with an operatic number in Italian, and was faultless, even if it will be nigh on impossible to compare that performance with the rest. After the pointless chatter after the first performance, Wailing Willis passed to Pointless Marvin so that he could give some minimal and pathetic input. There was a minor bit of pandering towards Rita Ora, who enlightened us all massively with some cunting waffle that included: "I'm just so happy to part of this journey".
Joe was up next, singing 'Jealous', "Oh Jo, you are so adorable," wailed Willis when he'd finished. Apparently he has wonderful manners, so that's reason enough for him to win then, Rita? "I turned for Jo," said Tom, and I wondered what Tom's sexuality had to do with anything.
Sheena was third on the bill, providing us with a formulaic dance song although "I Need A Miracle" was arguably rather prophetic. Nothing special at all about this effort, especially as it was just too shouty and noisy. "She took it to the extreme," said Will.E.Wonka, and she certainly did. "It almost cracked my cup," said Ricky, rather peculiarly. "There's not a roof left in this studio as you really blew it out of the park," was the bollocks spouted by Rita.
Emmanuel with the deep voice arrived to sing 'A Whiter Shade of Pale'. Not very well as it turned out. It was all a bit drab and rather messy. Wailing Willis grated a few carrots with her voice before getting the views of the coaches. Rita talked shit.
Marvin was given a slot next, to use up (waste) a small section of my life. He performed as expected, and duly wasted two minutes of my life. The useless questions to the first four performers were dire indeed.
Karis was fifth on the roster. singing a slow yet noisy ballad. "Tom, did she do Wales proud this evening?" asked Wailing Willis. This must be the most leading question ever asked by Willis. Will.To.Live ebbed and flowed with another drawn-out dollop of dialogue before Willis used the word "Artist" yet again, in respect of these hopefuls.
Vikesh is most certainly a quirky individual, and rather intriguing. "Don't Leave Me This Way" was offered up for consumption. All the coaches talked complete shit.
Sasha offered a slow one as well, with the noise level slowly growing. It was okay. Tom was overcome with emotion. Sasha fanned herself with her fingers repeatedly. It was all rather odd.
Stevie is apparently a 'hero' according to Ricky, based on being a fireman. I have googled the fuck out of this, but I cannot find any endorsement for such an assertion. The gross misuse of the term was repeated on the TV caption that described Stevie as "The Hero". I'd be interested to learn of any qualifications for such a descriptive term legitimately being applied. "Bleeding Love" started up, and was instantly unimpressive. My ears discerned a rather awful effort. Oh dear. "I keep bleeding," he sang. Sadly he kept singing! Every time Willis wailed "Ricky", she out-did Patsy Palmer in the classic line from Eastenders.
Marvin [apparently in the V Room] was pointlessly waiting to give us a pointless contribution. We transferred to 'Marv' and I wondered how he might attempt to justify his role on The Voice. Put simply, he failed to do any such thing. "Over to you, Em" came after less than two minutes, thankfully.
The voting opened, and around the country, everyone was frantically trying to locate Bill Payer. "Vote wisely," said Marvin to the camera, with sincerity. I racked my brains but after some real effort, I concluded that I had no fucking idea at all what that was supposed to mean. I wisely decided NOT to vote at all, as always.
The contestants were then set to sing with their respective coaches, rather than catch one and ride off to Bognor Regis (sadly).
River Deep Mountain High must be the most fucking awful choice of song possible. I put the kettle on, and then went to the loo, both of which were massively more entertaining! River Deep, Mountain High, Song Shit. That will not have done Sasha's chances any good.
Rita took Karis and Joe to Sherpherd's Bush, and in the VT we heard: "We were bombarded by Paparazzis" said Joe, adding an 's' to prove a low level of intellect. The song they did in the studio was not too bad, though rather messy.
Will went to the O2 and touted Usher, who is nearly as talentless as Kanye West. "That's the Way I Like It" was the chosen noise for the quartet. This lent itself to Will, who obviously struggles with singing. Sadly it did nothing for the contestants, who all struggled to dumb down to such a level. This was a dire, dire, dire offering. There was an interlude when Lucy arrived on stage to do an impression of Casper, haunting us with some whoooooos. TERRIBLE.
Chic featured in the VT for Ricky, alongside Emmanuel and Stevie. Then the three sang Stay With Me, my cue to leave and finish making the tea. Wailing, shouting an general noise with no talent on display.
Jess Glynne sang a song, and it was shit. Then Pointless Marvin was on screen. Yawn.
Result
Expecting four names, we learned about two finalists - Sasha, followed by Emmanuel. There was then an interruption for Marvin to annoy me, before Sia was apparently a necessary part of the show. She sang something-or-other, wearing her trademark hair that resembled Dougle from The Magic Roundabout
Back to the results, and Lucy was through, with the last place going to Stevie (for some strange reason).
The lucky winner next weekend will be on his or her way to record sales . . . . of <1000 !
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