30.3.15 ASDA & The Balking At Burritos - Part Two

Part Two

I have had no fucking response from ASDA whatsoever!  That's a couple of days short of TEN WEEKS with nothing but an acknowledgement on the same day, 21st January.  I don't believe they give a fuck about anything much.

Hello,

Thanks for getting in touch, your message has been sent to our customer service team who'll get back to you as soon as they can.

Regards

The ASDA.com Team


Part One

Please take this as a warning, for having gone through the process of preparing these ASDA Burritos and discovering the atrocious results, I'd like to save you from such pointless effort.

These were allegedly Chosen by you . . . . . I think fucking not!  There is nothing positive to say at all about this product, and I urge you not to purchase the 430g of pure nonentity.

Nutritionally, I believe the contents of the packet might be useful in delaying death by hunger, whilst encouraging a premature death through illness, nausea, olfactory degeneration and annoyance.  It would seem that to get the Taste of America, one needs to consume a list of ingredients [or should I say chemicals] that would test the joint abilities of a qualified chemist working in partnership with a Michelin chef in identifying - though most certainly NOT endorsing.

I have not bought a ready meal for at least a year now, and this experience will at least ensure I am deterred from doing so for another long stint.  The packaging included a small section on how to bring to the attention of ASDA that its product is shit.  I have therefore sent an email via the website, as instructed - well, as best as I could, because this turned out to be less than straightforward, with an apparent dominance of ASDA Direct over the Groceries section.  Thus, I believe that Enid (who no doubt discussed bra sizes with female shoppers) will be expected to handle the case of the Balking Burritos and have to pass it on to someone else.  Let's see. Meanwhile, here's a copy of the submission I've made via Asda.com.


The website denies me the option of contact on any matter relating to groceries, and instead I am directed to the asda direct arm of your rambling organisation.  The nature of my question on this form is thus totally erroneous; I've not been given any option to relay details of an awful product, so have had to select "I'm having trouble getting started". As a result, I am sure this complaint will be misdirected. Anyway, here goes -

The details on the packaging for "chosen by you" Taste of America beefy burritos suggest contact if I am not happy. the product is quite simply inedible. I don't know what AFM stands for but it says to quote this, plus the 21 Jan date in the Use By info box.  I have just cooked the product in the oven following the instructions exactly, and have found the outcome to be a completely inedible dollop of stodge.  I cannot begin to describe the taste, I'm afraid.  The meal-for-two turned into an exercise in 'binning it by one'.  I'd attach some photos but for the fact that this form doesn't allow me to do so.  I'd suggest removing it from shelves, and most certainly reviewing the 'chosen by you' tag because I doubt anyone with taste buds would opt to go anywhere near it.  Sorry if this is all a bit blunt, but I now have to find something else to eat and start again. Regards.

There might be a Part Two for this post, depending on Enid's contribution. Pending.

PS: Mrs MWSC agrees with me completely.  Amazingly, she commented how awful the smell and sight was, and this was DESPITE having her hair in a twisted towel (in the way women do) after applying some or other product that itself smells rather pungent!  I can therefore, through her intervention and input, confirm and convey that the ASDA Taste of America Chosen by you Beefy Burritos are more toxic than hair colour-stripping agent.

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29.3.15 Pricing Farces

NON - OFFER OF THE WEEK

Spotted in B&Q, a rather lame offer of a glavanised incinerator, which had a glorious reduction noted on the price sticker, confirming a reduction from £20.53 to £20.00


SWEETS

Elsewhere, Morrisons needs to reassess its policy on the pricing of Drumsticks.  There is a complete lack of thought behind the pitch for the Mega Drumstick.

The standard Drumstick weighs 12g and is available for 10p.  The Mega Drumstick weighs 28g, but is on sale for 30p.  Thus it is 2.33 times the size, and of course has a single stick.  It should cost no more than 23p.  The 7p overcharge constitutes +30% which is rather the opposite of what one might expect for buying more!


TABLE SALT

ASDA has decided to introduce a product that defies any sense or logic - a small plastic pot of table salt, containing 70g of the stuff.

I have no idea how this decision ever got sanctioned, and yet I suspect that there will be enough ignorant twats in the aisles buying the new 70g pots to make the product a success.  This is despite the cost being so cunting outrageous.  On the shelf, I saw these 'new' pots of Table Salt on sale at £1.00. On the shelf below, I clocked the 750g container of Table Salt, on sale for 29p. Nearly eleven times as much at less than a third of the price!

Pro-rata, the large pot is, on that basis, worth £10.71, and so available at a 97% discount, at 29p.  Conversely, if 750g is available for 29p as standard, then the new product in the 70g container holds 2.7p worth of salt, but carries a £1.00 price tag, a mark up of over 3600%


AMAZON LIGHTNING DEAL

NOREP 042000 Halogen Flexi Pole Mounting Beacon

by NOREP

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---

Was:	£20.41
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You Save:	£1.47 (7%)

Can there be any less tempting 'lightning deal' from Amazon than this pathetic level of so-called discount?


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28.3.15 The Voice - Semi-Comatose

Jermain Jackman won last year's competition, although it seems he has sold fewer than 1000 copies of his debut album.  As ever, The Voice has proved again that it is a competition not worth winning.

The semi-final was upon us, with all eight semi-finalists, if you can get your head round that!  Wailing Willis proved there was no need for the microphone in her hand.  As she wailed, I wondered why the caption on screen referred to "The Semi-finals" when there is actually only ONE of them - this one.

Lucy kicked us off with an operatic number in Italian, and was faultless, even if it will be nigh on impossible to compare that performance with the rest. After the pointless chatter after the first performance, Wailing Willis passed to Pointless Marvin so that he could give some minimal and pathetic input. There was a minor bit of pandering towards Rita Ora, who enlightened us all massively with some cunting waffle that included: "I'm just so happy to part of this journey".

Joe was up next, singing 'Jealous', "Oh Jo, you are so adorable," wailed Willis when he'd finished.  Apparently he has wonderful manners, so that's reason enough for him to win then, Rita?  "I turned for Jo," said Tom, and I wondered what Tom's sexuality had to do with anything.

Sheena was third on the bill, providing us with a formulaic dance song although "I Need A Miracle" was arguably rather prophetic.  Nothing special at all about this effort, especially as it was just too shouty and noisy.  "She took it to the extreme," said Will.E.Wonka, and she certainly did.  "It almost cracked my cup," said Ricky, rather peculiarly.  "There's not a roof left in this studio as you really blew it out of the park," was the bollocks spouted by Rita.

Emmanuel with the deep voice arrived to sing 'A Whiter Shade of Pale'.  Not very well as it turned out.  It was all a bit drab and rather messy.  Wailing Willis grated a few carrots with her voice before getting the views of the coaches. Rita talked shit.

Marvin was given a slot next, to use up (waste) a small section of my life.  He performed as expected, and duly wasted two minutes of my life.  The useless questions to the first four performers were dire indeed.

Karis was fifth on the roster. singing a slow yet noisy ballad.  "Tom, did she do Wales proud this evening?" asked Wailing Willis.  This must be the most leading question ever asked by Willis.  Will.To.Live ebbed and flowed with another drawn-out dollop of dialogue before Willis used the word "Artist" yet again, in respect of these hopefuls.

Vikesh is most certainly a quirky individual, and rather intriguing.  "Don't Leave Me This Way" was offered up for consumption.  All the coaches talked complete shit.

Sasha offered a slow one as well, with the noise level slowly growing.  It was okay.  Tom was overcome with emotion.  Sasha fanned herself with her fingers repeatedly.  It was all rather odd.

Stevie is apparently a 'hero' according to Ricky, based on being a fireman.  I have googled the fuck out of this, but I cannot find any endorsement for such an assertion.  The gross misuse of the term was repeated on the TV caption that described Stevie as "The Hero".  I'd be interested to learn of any qualifications for such a descriptive term legitimately being applied.  "Bleeding Love" started up, and was instantly unimpressive.  My ears discerned a rather awful effort. Oh dear.  "I keep bleeding," he sang.  Sadly he kept singing! Every time Willis wailed "Ricky", she out-did Patsy Palmer in the classic line from Eastenders.

Marvin [apparently in the V Room] was pointlessly waiting to give us a pointless contribution.  We transferred to 'Marv' and I wondered how he might attempt to justify his role on The Voice.  Put simply, he failed to do any such thing.  "Over to you, Em" came after less than two minutes, thankfully.

The voting opened, and around the country, everyone was frantically trying to locate Bill Payer.  "Vote wisely," said Marvin to the camera, with sincerity.  I racked my brains but after some real effort, I concluded that I had no fucking idea at all what that was supposed to mean.  I wisely decided NOT to vote at all, as always.

The contestants were then set to sing with their respective coaches, rather than catch one and ride off to Bognor Regis (sadly).

River Deep Mountain High must be the most fucking awful choice of song possible.  I put the kettle on, and then went to the loo, both of which were massively more entertaining!  River Deep, Mountain High, Song Shit.  That will not have done Sasha's chances any good.

Rita took Karis and Joe to Sherpherd's Bush, and in the VT we heard: "We were bombarded by Paparazzis" said Joe, adding an 's' to prove a low level of intellect.  The song they did in the studio was not too bad, though rather messy.

Will went to the O2 and touted Usher, who is nearly as talentless as Kanye West.  "That's the Way I Like It" was the chosen noise for the quartet.  This lent itself to Will, who obviously struggles with singing.  Sadly it did nothing for the contestants, who all struggled to dumb down to such a level.  This was a dire, dire, dire offering.  There was an interlude when Lucy arrived on stage to do an impression of Casper, haunting us with some whoooooos.  TERRIBLE.

Chic featured in the VT for Ricky, alongside Emmanuel and Stevie.  Then the three sang Stay With Me, my cue to leave and finish making the tea.  Wailing, shouting an general noise with no talent on display.

Jess Glynne sang a song, and it was shit.  Then Pointless Marvin was on screen.  Yawn.

Result

Expecting four names, we learned about two finalists - Sasha, followed by Emmanuel.  There was then an interruption for Marvin to annoy me, before Sia was apparently a necessary part of the show.  She sang something-or-other, wearing her trademark hair that resembled Dougle from The Magic Roundabout

Back to the results, and Lucy was through, with the last place going to Stevie (for some strange reason).

The lucky winner next weekend will be on his or her way to record sales . . . . of <1000 !

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27.3.15 Non Story of the Day

This preposterous Mail Online article has somehow managed to waste the time of so many readers, filling heads with utter tripe.  It qualifies as Non-Story of the Day.

"Alex Gerrard battles the wind as she struggles to juggle several pink bags after shopping spree at kidswear store"

Alex Gerrard - the subject of breaking news

"Heading back to her white Bentley, the doting mother, 32, was pictured juggling various large pink carrier bags as the wind wreaked havoc on her blonde ponytail."

...

25.3.15 Outrageous Lie of the Week

Stephen Mulhern, on ITV's Big Star's Little Star, introduced Jimmy Bullard as a -

"Footballing Hero"

 What the cunting fuck?

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14.3.15 The Theory of Everything

93% of everything is shit  [TMWSC]

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3.3.15 The Dangers of PCR

There is clearly an epidemic of PCR in this country.  There can be no doubt whatsoever, as evidenced by the steps that have been taken by councils across the UK to provide human input, designed to serve as some sort of protection, or perhaps deterrent.

I have no idea what must have caused the phenomenon that sees car drivers try to ram those pedestrians engaged in road crossing, or why there are noticeable 'peak times' for such actions.  There must have been some science behind the actions of councils, because there would need to have been some proof that risk of injury or death is much greater from 8.30am to 9.00am, and from 3.00pm to 3.30pm.  I am sure that there must have been some research undertaken by a university, to try and explain why traffic lights lose all of their powers between the aforementioned times of the day.  Why else would drivers, at the very same times, lose all sense of perspective, and simultaneously have little regard for human life?

PCR is not to be confused with CPR [Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation] which is something that might in fact be used on any injured parties after an incidence of PCR.  PCR is of course Pelican Crossing Rage.  This condition flares up for just one hour per day, usually during two half-hour windows.  This affliction (also known as Puffin Crossing Rage) is one that could seriously undermine all efforts of those associated with road safety, so it comes as no surprise that there is a massive army of workers clad in yellow outfits, all armed with poles bearing a round sign, giving an overall appearance of a placard being brandished.

The preventative measures employed via this army (93% of which is female) are clearly effective, as we see that the lunacy of drivers is more than countered by the 'magical powers' of the placard-waving little people.  How safe the road-crossers must feel during the two half-hour peak dying times [Monday to Friday].  The protection given by those charged with fighting PCR is directly (though inversely) proportional to all those whose natural abilities to cross a road and/or press a button suddenly disappear.  In their hour of need, when stranded and thumbless, the children and parents of the UK are saved by the arrival of people who arrive just in time - people who are typically dressed in yellow coats that are overly long.  Despite the sleeves most commonly covering small hands, training has allowed them to operate a button successfully, despite the handicap of excess reflective material. As a result, the sterling efforts of the temporarily insane drivers who succumb to PCR are dealt with.

As the owners of hands that are clamped on a steering wheel see before them amber lights followed by red lights, they find their feet automatically directed towards a brake pedal rather than stuck firmly in the "ram the cunts" position, firmly against the throttle.  It is thanks to the intervention of the custodians of the crossings that fatalities are not witnessed in their thousands, daily.

In Parliament, there is much concern over the best way to influence the younger generation, and improve educational techniques.  Only with some cross-party initiatives might there be any progress in helping youngsters (and any parents collecting kids from school) not to relinquish their abilities to press a button at a crossing.  Until MPs have established the most appropriate course of action to tackle this phenomenon, then there seems little option but to encourage councils to carry on as they are.

Thus, it is likely that for some considerable time to come, no one will be assumed capable of pressing a fucking button on a Pelican (or Puffin) crossing during the hours of 8.30am to 9.00am and 3.00pm to 3.30pm other than those trained as Lollipop People.  Only the presence of a Lollipop person in high visibility clothing will mean drivers do not drive full pelt at a red light, killing with a gleeful yet weirdly manic disposition.

   Possible training approach, ahead of dispensing with lollipop people

Meanwhile, university research is expected to yield results by early 2018, and we may then get some sort of explanation as to why at 3.29pm a driver will ignore a red light and ram anyone on a crossing unless a Lollipop person is in view, yet will obey the Highway Code and stop at a red light come 3.31pm.

PCR sufferers are commonly afflicted with a similar condition, ZCR.  As you might have guessed, this stands for Zebra Crossing Rage, and drivers mimic all the signs associated with PCR.  Temporary blindness to black and white means that only with the hi-vis yellow and a lollipop in view are drivers capable of slowing and stopping when anyone is crossing on the stripes. Again, the affliction is limited to peak times; for off-peak (ie. 23 hours per day) the drivers are unaffected by ZCR, and councils across the UK are unconcerned about accidents on Zebra Crossings.

...

1.3.15 February Quotes of the Month

She's a sneer on leg.  [TMWSC regarding Heather Mills]

They've not only looked a gift horse in the mouth, they've given it a full dental check-up.  [Football reporter on Final Score]

Just because you paint stripes on a horse, it doesn't make it a zebra. [Waiter on Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares USA]

If she loses to a one-legged chick, she's never going to live it down. [Heather Mills on The Jump, totally misappropriating the word "chick" - and ignoring a more suitable four letter word]

A lot of these materials are already mellowing down.  [Kevin McCloud talking shit, and adding a pointless preposition!]

The weather will quieten down after Wednesday and be drier, but it will stay cold.  [Meteorologist Mark Wilson, introducing noise levels to his forecasting]

They're gutsing it out at the moment.  [Commentator in the France v Scotland rugby match, talking in fantasy English]

Our semi's getting harder by the minute.  [Davina McCall on The Jump semi-final]

So was Bonnie Tyler, you cunt!  [TMWSC, after Bear Grylls said, on a TV trailer, "I'm looking for a hero"]

He's the one who's hugging the width.  [Andy Townsend, making no sense as usual]

It's nice to beat a team that's in and around us.  [Steve Bruce, using a cliche that makes no sense - how can Aston Villa be "in us"?]

We'll meet up afterwards by the swim pool.  [Laura Hamilton, talking shit on A Place in the Sun: Home or Away and confirming limited use of the gene pool]

A lack of death is always helpful.  [Mrs MWSC]

Wales have an eleven point lead in front.  [Commentary on the 6 Nations rugby]

There may be flashing images and fruity language.  [Continuity announcer on Channel 4, ahead of The Jump, introducing a new genre of speech]

He was flapping like a flightless bird.  [Barry Davies, regarding JB Gill on The Jump]

She's like a fuckin' virus, isn't she?  [Mrs MWSC, regarding Mel Giedroyc who was narrating Now You See It, one of her 12 jobs]]

He quit QPR on Tuesday after being told he would need replacements for both right and left knees.  [Daily Mail article, suggesting Harry Redknapp's middle knee is okay!  Or did this instead mean both the left ones and both the ones one the right?]

It's at times like this you want your big players to take the big penalties at the big moments.  [Phil Neville talking shit, as usual]

He can put himself up with them type of players.  [Phil Neville]

This weather front splashes its way through.  [Tomasz Schafernaker]

You can see isobars squished together.  [Tomasz Schafernaker]

There we see the sharpness of his feet.  [Danny Murphy, trying to trump Phil Neville]

Based on the injuries we occurred.  [Sam Allardyce having a go as well, and avoiding 'incurred']

You won't get him harrowing people down.  [Trevor Sinclair, talking crap]

His pace and his quality is what really stood him out today.  [Jason Roberts, talking bollocks]

Some of those showers will have a wintry flavour.  [Sarah Keith-\Lucas giving a weather recipe!]

Ah, that's where fucking Friday went.  [TMWSC when Mrs MWSC passed him a pair of socks from a holdall - a pair with 'Friday' written on them]

.

1.3.15 Hazardous Radio 4 & Start The Week

Once upon a time, long long ago, it was the case that a certain level of competence and professionalism was expected from and provided by Radio 4. There was some inherent assurance that the content would meet certain standards, and that the spoken word would generally conform to the English language.  Sadly, this has for a long time NOT been so.

Listening to Start The Week, I was less than impressed with the host's pathetic knowledge level that led to her referring to "emphysemia" - rather than "emphysema".  One of the guests, a chap from Nottingham University, did no favours either for himself or his institution, when he mentioned "curriculums" rather than "curricula" and annoyed the fuck out of me with "differentiate" pronounced "differen-see-ate"; stupid cunt.  He was slightly less of a twat than one of the other guests who displayed an horrendous inability to speak without every sentence including a superfluous "kind of", "sort of" or "like", as well as a penchant for starting utterances with "so".

The spoken word is now so universally abused that it seems almost futile to try and block out the complete shit that swamps us.  Even this morning, scanning the Mail Online site, I saw reported the tweet from Rita Ora [as if this fucking needed reporting] that she tweeted:

My bodies too boobilicious for ya babe [sic]

What a poor standard is being set by those who sadly seem to have so much influence, and attention paid to them.  In such a climate, it would be nice to think that at Radio 4, someone somewhere was still in possession of a standard or two . . . but it seems not.

I believe the next reality show on TV should feature a whole swarm of "celebrities" under all classes from A-Z, and each one offending the English language should be ejected, viaa torture chamber.  Now THAT would be entertainment!

...

1.3.15 BBC4 Stupid Long & Unnecessary Programme Titles

BBC4 must surely be the home of the most ludicrously titled television programmes.  There are of course some 'normal' offerings, but far too often they are overshadowed by stupidly long titles that are overly detailed, and so very unnecessary.  In some cases, the quite atrocious double colon is an affront to the English language.  Somebody needs to tell the BBC4 people that it is not a requirement that each programme title gives a full explanation of what's included, and that the next one or two descriptive lines in the TV guides are more than adequate to provide any supplementary information, and/or clarification.  Here are some of the more recent listings:


29 Dec 8.00pm
RI Lectures: Sparks Will Fly:How to Hack Your Home

30 Dec 9.00pm
Narnia's Lost Poet: The Secret Lives and Loves of C.S. Lewis

11 Jan 10.30pm
Secrets of the Universe: Great Scientists In Their Own Words

14 Jan 11.00pm
The Making Of Elton John: Madman Across the Water

16 Jan 8.00pm
Gershwin's Summertime: The Song That Conquered The World

17 Jan 8.00pm
Everyday Miracles: The Genius of Sofas, Stockings and Scanners

20 Jan 8.00pm
Harlots, Housewives & Heroines: A 17th Century History for Girls

24 Jan 8.00pm
Bright Lights, Brilliant Minds: A Tale of Three Cities

4 Feb 10.00pm
Battle for The Himalayas: The Fight to Film Everest

5 Feb 9.00pm
Pompeii: The Mystery of the People Frozen in Time

10 Feb 11.00pm
Bulldozers, Paving Stones and Power: The Chinese Mayor

12 Feb 8.00pm
Horizon: Asteroids - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

12 Feb 9.00pm
Shakespeare's Mother: The Secret Life of a Tudor Woman

14 Feb 11.10pm
Horizon - Solar Storms: The Threat to Planet Earth

17 Feb 11.00pm
Timeshift: Magnificent Machines - The Golden Age of the British Sports Car

19 Feb 8.00pm
Pain, Pus & Poison: The Search for Modern Medicines

19 Feb 9.00pm
Saints and Sinners: Britain's Millennium Monasteries

24 Feb 9.00pm
Timeshift: The Nation's Railway: The Golden Age of British Rail

1 Mar 11.50pm
Animals Through the Night: Sleepover at the Zoo

3 Mar 8.30pm
Secret Knowledge: The Private Life of a Dolls' House

6 Mar 9.00pm
Boy George and Culture Club: Karma to Calamity

...