She's so fat she needs whiskers. [TMWSC commenting on a big person trying to judge a gap]
If dogs play on iPads, they might get executed. [Charlie, aged 6]
I spent all day scrubbing 'Twat' off a crab. [Liam, on his day at work]
I'm trying to dwindle it down to the right person. [Receptionist, trying to decide who TMWSC might need to be put through to and avoiding the word 'whittle']
The delivery suite capacity is full to its maximum amount. [Twat on One Born Every Minute, who was telling us the delivery suite was full]
This programme contains scenes of criminal activity. [Ludicrous warning given by TV announcer at the start of Black Market Britain: Undercover Sting]
I think it's on the table, not that I'm the mustard warden. [TMWSC, upon being asked "Where's the mustard?" by Mrs MWSC]
My background in the past has been . . . . [Person introducing himself, confirming his background was in the past]
She got a medal for that; now they are playing her a tune. It's all a big nothing. [Father of TMWSC (who doesn't, by the way) commenting on a medalist at the Commonwealth Games in one of the less interesting sports]
On the UK national flag, the Union Jack, what colour is the Cross of St George? [A question on The Million Pound Drop, highlighting complete ignorance as the UK national flag is the Union Flag, not the Union Jack. Twats]
It's got to that length where it's not offensive. [Maria, ref TMWSC's beard]
I don't really like the dust on my fingers. [Jess explaining why she doesn't eat Wotsits]
Football Related Rubbish
You'd expect him not to push it into the path of an onrushing Russian. [Co-commentator during the World Cup]
It had the desired effect that he wanted. [Steve Claridge, confirming it wasn't a desired effect that he didn't want]
He flicks it on to one of his fellow colleagues. [Clarke Carlisle opting for a combination of 'fellow players' and 'colleagues']
It's brought the stadium back to the cacophony of noise we started with. [Clarke again, making sure we didn't think is was a cacophony of bananas]
With a bit more luck we would have aggravated the score. [Roy Hodgson, after a poor England performance left us all rather aggravated!]
He's got options in and around him. [Andy Townsend at his best, talking shit]
They've got to move the ball quicker in and around the last third. [Andy again, obsessed with in and around let alone the last third]
What do either side need to do? [Guy Mowbray, avoiding the word 'does' and preferring to be a twat]
His manager is doing outstanding. [Outstanding what, Martin Keown? Use a fucking adverb PLEASE!]
They can be expensive, these cheap bookings you keep giving away. [Martin, again, managing to intertwine the concepts of expensive, cheap and free regarding one event, in a single sentence of gibberish]
He should stay in his own booth, there on the right hand side. [Martin, introducing booths (?) to the football pitch, possibly linked to his expertise in knowing what players have in their lockers]
I just worry for them if there are an injury or two. [Danny Murphy. Sadly there are one too many of him]
The continuity has just stayed the same. [Danny, again. This guy should not be allowed to speak]
There's so many Burnley numbers in the box. [People in Burnley use a different counting system, apparently; thanks, Danny]
He didn't know whether to stick or twist. [Jason Roberts has spent too much time with Martin Keown and is now also introducing analogous shit to the world of football commentary]
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