7.9.14 The Curse of the Colon

The CIC have decided that we need more colons, and they are doing so with a vengeance.  This phenomenon is never more evident than in the naming of films and television programmes.  Yes, the Cunts In Charge are gleefully creating titles that tell you just a bit too much in the bold print that serves as a medium for trying to make the offering just that little bit more substantial, worthy and watchable.  Sadly, this shitty approach is no different from putting "fragile" on everything you ever send by parcel post.

Before I get to the finale of this piece, and there most certainly is a more worrying development than the general and widespread introduction of numerous unwarranted colons, here are some examples from the listings over the last few weeks, from my TV guide.  Note that I've only included, as the first four, any films, and have instead concentrated on TV programmes.  The longer the title, the happier the CIC are.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Live Athletics: Glasgow Grand Prix (not the 'dead' variety, then)
A Question of Sport: Super Saturday (on a Saturday, surprise sur-fucking-prise)
The National Lottery: Break the Safe (not safe to watch)
Sinkholes: Swallowed Alive
Live Golf: The Women's British Open
Golf: Scottish Open
Tipping Point: Lucky Stars (unlucky us)
Benefits Britain: Life on the Dole
Big Brother: Eviction
Obese: A Year to Save My Life (fat chance)
Obese: A Year to Save My Life USA (fat chance in dollars)
Fatal Flight 447: Chaos in the Cockpit
MH370: The Flight that Vanished
Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives
70 Stone: The Man They Couldn't Save
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: The Luck of the Irish
This Old Thing: The Vintage Clothes Show
Goodwood: Cars of the Future
Black Market Britain: Undercover Sting
War Horse: The Real Story (not a lie then?)
Top of the Pops: 1979
WW1: Finding the Lost Battalions
Skyscraper: London's Cheesegrater
High's Three Good Things: Best Bites
Secret Knowledge: The Art of the Vikings
Japan's Tsunami: How it Happened
Embarrassing Bodies: Back to the Clinic
Border Security: Canada's Front Line
The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (as if we fucking needed one)
Henry & Anne: The Lovers Who Changed History
A Liar's Autobiography: The Untrue Story of Monty Python's Graham Chapman
Friday Night at the Proms: Barenboim Conducts the West End Divan Orchestra
University Challenge: Class of 2014
Natural World: Living with Baboons
Permission Impossible: Britain's Planners
All Aboard: East Coast Trains
Set List: Stand-up Without a Net
Brit Cops: Frontline Crime UK
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Best Dressed Brides (but there aren't any?)
Jack Taylor: The Priest
Jack Taylor: Dramatist
Jack Taylor: Schizophrenic [I made this one up]
DNN: Definitely Not Newsround (one or the other, people!)
Dr G: Medical Examiner
David Blaine: Beautiful Struggle
Chivalry and Betrayal: The Hundred Years War
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
UFO UK: New Evidence
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
NCIS: Los Angeles
NCIS: The Port-to-Port Killer
Shop Girls: The True Story of Life Behind the Counter
Super Skyscrapers: Shanghai Tower
My Kitchen Rules: Australia
The Great Falklands Gamble: Revealed
Ride of My Life: The Story of the Bicycle
Jackpots and Jinxes: Lottery Stories
Transformers: Age of Extinction Special
Natural World: Bringing Up Baby
Prom Crazy: Frocks and Ferraris
Great American Rock Anthems: Turn it Up to 11
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Bright Lights, Brilliant Minds: A Tale of Three Cities
The Man with the 10-Stone Testicles: A Bodyshock Special
Ancient Egypt: Life and Death in the Valley of the Kings
Andrew Marr's Great Scots: The Writers Who Shaped a Nation
Locomotion: Dan Snow's History of Railways
Criminals: Caught on Camera
Car Thieves & Thugs: Caught on Camera
True Crimes: The First 72 Hours
She's 78, He's 39: Age Gap Love
Tourettes: I Swear I Can't Help It
Secrets of the Body Snatchers: A Time Team Special
The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure
Him & Her: The Wedding
Nelson's Caribbean Hell-Hole: An Eighteenth Century Naval Graveyard Uncovered
Fat N' Furious: Rolling Thunder
Natural World: The Bat Man of Mexico
Sean Lock: Purple Van Man
Kids with Cameras: Diary of a Children's Ward
One World Trade Centre: Rebuilt
Secret Knowledge: Bolsover Castle with Lucy Worsley
Above Suspicion: The Red Dahlia
The Body in the Freezer: Countdown to Murder
The Killer Next Door: Countdown to Murder
The Nazis: A Warning from History
Exposure: Don't Take My Child (odd name for a programme if you think)
Hot Property: Business Boomers
Alan Hansen: Player and Pundit
Robbie Coltrane: B-Road Britain (B-Rate programme!)
A Century in Film: From Scotland With Love
Alan Partridge: Welcome to the Places of My Life
The 90s: The Decade That Connected Us
The National Lottery: Break the Safe
Britain's Most Dangerous Songs: Listen to the Banned (good grief . . )
More Dangerous Songs: And the Banned Played On (. . the puns are awful)
Webcam Girls: At Your Service
Operation Cloud Lab: Secrets of the Skies
Closing Time: Newcastle After Dark (how unnecessary)
The Route Masters: Running London's Roads
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Life on the Run (with cameras following?)
Bodyshockers: My Tattoo Hell
Celebrity Juice: Parallel Juicyverse Part Two
Everyday Miracles: The Genius of Sofas, Stockings and Scanners
Precision: The Measure of All Things
Jigs & Wigs: The Extreme World of Irish Dancing (really?  WTF?)
Pagans and Pilgrims: Britain's Holiest Places
Testing Britain's Worst Drivers: Crash Course (ha fucking ha)
River Monsters: Untold Stories (sadly now fucking told)
Stacey Dooley in the USA: Kids in the Crossfire
12 Years Old & Looking After Mum: Through a Child's Eyes

Some programmes pose questions with their titles, but that doesn't mean an end to the colon, and it certainly doesn't stop a colon appearing after a question mark that marks the end of the fucking sentence!

Nick & Margaret: Too Many Immigrants?
The Cross-Dressing Cannibal: Born to Kill?
The Great British Break-up?: Channel 4 Dispatches (needless double punctuation)
Rude Tube: WTF?!? (talk about over punctuation)
Scotland: For Richer or Poorer?
How Safe Is Your Beach?: Tonight (or on any other night, for that matter?)
Do You Let Your Kids Play Out?: Tonight (or on any other night, for that matter?)
Fit to Practice?: Tonight (but not fit to fucking spell - 's' not a cunting 'c')
The Drive-By Slayers: Born to Kill?
The Yorkshire Ripper: Born to Kill?
The Thriller Killers: Born to Kill?
The Shape of Things to Come?: Tonight
Imagine: Tom Jones - What Good Am I? (not an awful lot, Tom)
Are You Addicted to Your Doctor?: Channel 4 Dispatches
Horizon: Should I Eat Meat? - The Big Health Dilemma
Horizon: Should I Eat Meat? - How to Feed the Planet

Then there's the very worrying development of hyphens being included in the titles as well as colons, stringing out the whole mess.  A hyphen may well be appropriate [ as in The Story of Science - Power, Proof and Passion ]  but not after a colon has already done its fucking work!  Sometimes a colon comes first, other times it's the hyphen, as you'll see from the first two examples below.

The Lance Armstrong Story - Stop at Nothing: Storyville
Mad Dog: Gaddafi's Secret World - Storyville
Songs of Praise: Big Sing - The UK's Top 10 Hymns
Assisted Dying - For and Against: Tonight
Supermarkets: The Real Price of Cheap Food - Channel 4 Dispatches
Big Brother: Armageddon - Day One
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life
Killer Whales: Beneath the Surface - Natural World
Atlantis: End of a World - Birth of a Legend
ISIS: Terror in Iraq - Panorama
Faith Schools Undercover: No Clapping in Class - Channel 4 Dispatches
Imagine - Jimi Hendrix: Hear My Train a Comin'
Louis Theroux: Extreme Love - Autism
Natural World - Sri Lanka: Elephant Island
Imagine - Rod Stewart: Can't Stop Me Now (more's the pity)
Music on 4: Something from Nothing - the Art of Rap
Horizon: Allergies - Modern Living and Me
Horizon: Asteroids - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly


The Curse of the Double Colon

I never thought it would come about.  The impossibility of two colons has been challenged by Channel 4.  A programme was listed by the Daily Mail, on 16th July, as

Music on 4: Superstar DJs: With Annie Mac 

Further examples of this are becoming easier to find . . .

Proms on Four: The Sunday Prom: Battle of the Bands

You want an example of two colons and a fucking hyphen?  No problem.

Perspectives: Jonathan Ross: Alfred Hitchcock - Made in Britain


What a fucking mess!