30.9.14 Asda Arithmetic

There can be no doubt at all that there is much inefficiency in the Walmart world, and this can only be the most generous interpretation.  A less generous one would see the Asda hierarchy accused of calculated cuntism through trying to rip off customers.

Not for the first time, my Saturday shop at the local Asda was an experience that included a flawed charging regime.  I included in my £158 of purchases some toiletries which were on offer.  Much was made of the "3 for £5" offer that greeted me in the first aisle.  I specifically checked the products and their barcodes to ensure that my three choices were included in the offer.  This effort on my part was NOT matched with any effort by the cunt who programmed the tills.

After loading up, and going home, I realised with just a cursory check of the long receipt that the offer had NOT being taken into account.  Far from the £5.00 reasonable value for what I'd purchased, I found I'd been stung for £8.78.  That's a fucking 75.6% OVERCHARGE !

I went back to the store later that day, and decided that I wanted a refund, and would not be pissed about by the young chap who offered to try and get me charged the correct amount.  So, I left with £8.78 in my hand, although down a pound because that's the cost of each visit in petrol.

The obvious conclusion if that no one can ever trust the offers, and that anyone not checking a receipt will miss possible rip-off 'errors'.  Beware.

Criminally, the £3.33 mince with a 'best before' date of tomorrow (1st October) was necessarily returned to the shop a few minutes ago.  The meat was brown, and stunk like a old witch's cunt.  At the customer service counter.  I placed the tray of meat (710g, not the 750g that used to be contained within the same size large tray) on the counter, after the woman's query of "What's the problem?" and said "That's my tea, but I'm not going to be eating it."

I went and got another tray of pork mince while the young girl fucked about with receipts, scanners, and nose-holding, and when I got back to the counter, I had to sign.  Why the fuck I had to sign my name to return a lump of minced smelly dead pig that should still be in edible condition is beyond me.  Anyway, I left.  In effect, this second visit to the store to deal with Asda uselessness meant a further £1.00 in petrol to deal with Asda fuck-ups.  The toiletries were returned and I had my own money back,  I swapped out the meat, so in effect, the £3.33 tray of mince cost me an extra 2x £1 in petrol, representing an extra of 60%.

In general, I'd like to say: "Fuck the 10% cheaper claim - I'll be rather happier if you charge me cunting correctly, and sell me stuff that's edible rather than tainted.  Finally, the running around to sort out these two issues cost me an hour of my life and £2.00.  This makes Asda a less than attractive option.

Rolling back FUCK ALL !

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30.9.14 Murray Mistake

I most certainly beg to differ.

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7.9.14 The Curse of the Colon

The CIC have decided that we need more colons, and they are doing so with a vengeance.  This phenomenon is never more evident than in the naming of films and television programmes.  Yes, the Cunts In Charge are gleefully creating titles that tell you just a bit too much in the bold print that serves as a medium for trying to make the offering just that little bit more substantial, worthy and watchable.  Sadly, this shitty approach is no different from putting "fragile" on everything you ever send by parcel post.

Before I get to the finale of this piece, and there most certainly is a more worrying development than the general and widespread introduction of numerous unwarranted colons, here are some examples from the listings over the last few weeks, from my TV guide.  Note that I've only included, as the first four, any films, and have instead concentrated on TV programmes.  The longer the title, the happier the CIC are.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Live Athletics: Glasgow Grand Prix (not the 'dead' variety, then)
A Question of Sport: Super Saturday (on a Saturday, surprise sur-fucking-prise)
The National Lottery: Break the Safe (not safe to watch)
Sinkholes: Swallowed Alive
Live Golf: The Women's British Open
Golf: Scottish Open
Tipping Point: Lucky Stars (unlucky us)
Benefits Britain: Life on the Dole
Big Brother: Eviction
Obese: A Year to Save My Life (fat chance)
Obese: A Year to Save My Life USA (fat chance in dollars)
Fatal Flight 447: Chaos in the Cockpit
MH370: The Flight that Vanished
Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives
70 Stone: The Man They Couldn't Save
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: The Luck of the Irish
This Old Thing: The Vintage Clothes Show
Goodwood: Cars of the Future
Black Market Britain: Undercover Sting
War Horse: The Real Story (not a lie then?)
Top of the Pops: 1979
WW1: Finding the Lost Battalions
Skyscraper: London's Cheesegrater
High's Three Good Things: Best Bites
Secret Knowledge: The Art of the Vikings
Japan's Tsunami: How it Happened
Embarrassing Bodies: Back to the Clinic
Border Security: Canada's Front Line
The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (as if we fucking needed one)
Henry & Anne: The Lovers Who Changed History
A Liar's Autobiography: The Untrue Story of Monty Python's Graham Chapman
Friday Night at the Proms: Barenboim Conducts the West End Divan Orchestra
University Challenge: Class of 2014
Natural World: Living with Baboons
Permission Impossible: Britain's Planners
All Aboard: East Coast Trains
Set List: Stand-up Without a Net
Brit Cops: Frontline Crime UK
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Best Dressed Brides (but there aren't any?)
Jack Taylor: The Priest
Jack Taylor: Dramatist
Jack Taylor: Schizophrenic [I made this one up]
DNN: Definitely Not Newsround (one or the other, people!)
Dr G: Medical Examiner
David Blaine: Beautiful Struggle
Chivalry and Betrayal: The Hundred Years War
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
UFO UK: New Evidence
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
NCIS: Los Angeles
NCIS: The Port-to-Port Killer
Shop Girls: The True Story of Life Behind the Counter
Super Skyscrapers: Shanghai Tower
My Kitchen Rules: Australia
The Great Falklands Gamble: Revealed
Ride of My Life: The Story of the Bicycle
Jackpots and Jinxes: Lottery Stories
Transformers: Age of Extinction Special
Natural World: Bringing Up Baby
Prom Crazy: Frocks and Ferraris
Great American Rock Anthems: Turn it Up to 11
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Bright Lights, Brilliant Minds: A Tale of Three Cities
The Man with the 10-Stone Testicles: A Bodyshock Special
Ancient Egypt: Life and Death in the Valley of the Kings
Andrew Marr's Great Scots: The Writers Who Shaped a Nation
Locomotion: Dan Snow's History of Railways
Criminals: Caught on Camera
Car Thieves & Thugs: Caught on Camera
True Crimes: The First 72 Hours
She's 78, He's 39: Age Gap Love
Tourettes: I Swear I Can't Help It
Secrets of the Body Snatchers: A Time Team Special
The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure
Him & Her: The Wedding
Nelson's Caribbean Hell-Hole: An Eighteenth Century Naval Graveyard Uncovered
Fat N' Furious: Rolling Thunder
Natural World: The Bat Man of Mexico
Sean Lock: Purple Van Man
Kids with Cameras: Diary of a Children's Ward
One World Trade Centre: Rebuilt
Secret Knowledge: Bolsover Castle with Lucy Worsley
Above Suspicion: The Red Dahlia
The Body in the Freezer: Countdown to Murder
The Killer Next Door: Countdown to Murder
The Nazis: A Warning from History
Exposure: Don't Take My Child (odd name for a programme if you think)
Hot Property: Business Boomers
Alan Hansen: Player and Pundit
Robbie Coltrane: B-Road Britain (B-Rate programme!)
A Century in Film: From Scotland With Love
Alan Partridge: Welcome to the Places of My Life
The 90s: The Decade That Connected Us
The National Lottery: Break the Safe
Britain's Most Dangerous Songs: Listen to the Banned (good grief . . )
More Dangerous Songs: And the Banned Played On (. . the puns are awful)
Webcam Girls: At Your Service
Operation Cloud Lab: Secrets of the Skies
Closing Time: Newcastle After Dark (how unnecessary)
The Route Masters: Running London's Roads
Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Life on the Run (with cameras following?)
Bodyshockers: My Tattoo Hell
Celebrity Juice: Parallel Juicyverse Part Two
Everyday Miracles: The Genius of Sofas, Stockings and Scanners
Precision: The Measure of All Things
Jigs & Wigs: The Extreme World of Irish Dancing (really?  WTF?)
Pagans and Pilgrims: Britain's Holiest Places
Testing Britain's Worst Drivers: Crash Course (ha fucking ha)
River Monsters: Untold Stories (sadly now fucking told)
Stacey Dooley in the USA: Kids in the Crossfire
12 Years Old & Looking After Mum: Through a Child's Eyes

Some programmes pose questions with their titles, but that doesn't mean an end to the colon, and it certainly doesn't stop a colon appearing after a question mark that marks the end of the fucking sentence!

Nick & Margaret: Too Many Immigrants?
The Cross-Dressing Cannibal: Born to Kill?
The Great British Break-up?: Channel 4 Dispatches (needless double punctuation)
Rude Tube: WTF?!? (talk about over punctuation)
Scotland: For Richer or Poorer?
How Safe Is Your Beach?: Tonight (or on any other night, for that matter?)
Do You Let Your Kids Play Out?: Tonight (or on any other night, for that matter?)
Fit to Practice?: Tonight (but not fit to fucking spell - 's' not a cunting 'c')
The Drive-By Slayers: Born to Kill?
The Yorkshire Ripper: Born to Kill?
The Thriller Killers: Born to Kill?
The Shape of Things to Come?: Tonight
Imagine: Tom Jones - What Good Am I? (not an awful lot, Tom)
Are You Addicted to Your Doctor?: Channel 4 Dispatches
Horizon: Should I Eat Meat? - The Big Health Dilemma
Horizon: Should I Eat Meat? - How to Feed the Planet

Then there's the very worrying development of hyphens being included in the titles as well as colons, stringing out the whole mess.  A hyphen may well be appropriate [ as in The Story of Science - Power, Proof and Passion ]  but not after a colon has already done its fucking work!  Sometimes a colon comes first, other times it's the hyphen, as you'll see from the first two examples below.

The Lance Armstrong Story - Stop at Nothing: Storyville
Mad Dog: Gaddafi's Secret World - Storyville
Songs of Praise: Big Sing - The UK's Top 10 Hymns
Assisted Dying - For and Against: Tonight
Supermarkets: The Real Price of Cheap Food - Channel 4 Dispatches
Big Brother: Armageddon - Day One
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life
Killer Whales: Beneath the Surface - Natural World
Atlantis: End of a World - Birth of a Legend
ISIS: Terror in Iraq - Panorama
Faith Schools Undercover: No Clapping in Class - Channel 4 Dispatches
Imagine - Jimi Hendrix: Hear My Train a Comin'
Louis Theroux: Extreme Love - Autism
Natural World - Sri Lanka: Elephant Island
Imagine - Rod Stewart: Can't Stop Me Now (more's the pity)
Music on 4: Something from Nothing - the Art of Rap
Horizon: Allergies - Modern Living and Me
Horizon: Asteroids - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly


The Curse of the Double Colon

I never thought it would come about.  The impossibility of two colons has been challenged by Channel 4.  A programme was listed by the Daily Mail, on 16th July, as

Music on 4: Superstar DJs: With Annie Mac 

Further examples of this are becoming easier to find . . .

Proms on Four: The Sunday Prom: Battle of the Bands

You want an example of two colons and a fucking hyphen?  No problem.

Perspectives: Jonathan Ross: Alfred Hitchcock - Made in Britain


What a fucking mess!

7.9.14 Quotes - May to September

She's so fat she needs whiskers.  [TMWSC commenting on a big person trying to judge a gap]

If dogs play on iPads, they might get executed.  [Charlie, aged 6]

I spent all day scrubbing 'Twat' off a crab.  [Liam, on his day at work]

I'm trying to dwindle it down to the right person.  [Receptionist, trying to decide who TMWSC might need to be put through to and avoiding the word 'whittle']

The delivery suite capacity is full to its maximum amount.  [Twat on One Born Every Minute, who was telling us the delivery suite was full]

This programme contains scenes of criminal activity.  [Ludicrous warning given by TV announcer at the start of Black Market Britain: Undercover Sting]

I think it's on the table, not that I'm the mustard warden.  [TMWSC, upon being asked "Where's the mustard?" by Mrs MWSC]

My background in the past has been . . . .   [Person introducing himself, confirming his background was in the past]

She got a medal for that; now they are playing her a tune.  It's all a big nothing.  [Father of TMWSC (who doesn't, by the way) commenting on a medalist at the Commonwealth Games in one of the less interesting sports]

On the UK national flag, the Union Jack, what colour is the Cross of St George?  [A question on The Million Pound Drop, highlighting complete ignorance as the UK national flag is the Union Flag, not the Union Jack. Twats]

It's got to that length where it's not offensive.  [Maria, ref TMWSC's beard]

I don't really like the dust on my fingers.  [Jess explaining why she doesn't eat Wotsits]


Football Related Rubbish

You'd expect him not to push it into the path of an onrushing Russian. [Co-commentator during the World Cup]

It had the desired effect that he wanted.  [Steve Claridge, confirming it wasn't a desired effect that he didn't want]

He flicks it on to one of his fellow colleagues.  [Clarke Carlisle opting for a combination of 'fellow players' and 'colleagues']

It's brought the stadium back to the cacophony of noise we started with. [Clarke again, making sure we didn't think is was a cacophony of bananas]

With a bit more luck we would have aggravated the score.  [Roy Hodgson, after a poor England performance left us all rather aggravated!]

He's got options in and around him.  [Andy Townsend at his best, talking shit]

They've got to move the ball quicker in and around the last third.  [Andy again, obsessed with in and around let alone the last third]

What do either side need to do?  [Guy Mowbray, avoiding the word 'does' and preferring to be a twat]

His manager is doing outstanding.  [Outstanding what, Martin Keown?  Use a fucking adverb PLEASE!]

They can be expensive, these cheap bookings you keep giving away. [Martin, again, managing to intertwine the concepts of expensive, cheap and free regarding one event, in a single sentence of gibberish]

He should stay in his own booth, there on the right hand side.  [Martin, introducing booths (?) to the football pitch, possibly linked to his expertise in knowing what players have in their lockers]

I just worry for them if there are an injury or two.  [Danny Murphy.  Sadly there are one too many of him]

The continuity has just stayed the same.  [Danny, again.  This guy should not be allowed to speak]

There's so many Burnley numbers in the box.  [People in Burnley use a different counting system, apparently; thanks, Danny]

He didn't know whether to stick or twist.  [Jason Roberts has spent too much time with Martin Keown and is now also introducing analogous shit to the world of football commentary]


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