The departure of the woman who sang in the Bodyform adverts was no great loss. I am sure she's lovely, but the one note that she insisted on belting out in every song will not be missed by me. So, to this week's bollocks - here goes . . .
Christopher Maloney
Oh dear, oh fucking dear . . . . how to murder a song but fail to hide the evidence. Come back, Wagner, all is forgiven! This is the bloke who played us all with stories of nerves, and 'juddering' to try and prove he has them. I saw in the papers this week that he has performed for ages on ships, and that former acquaintances can't understand how he can make claims like this. Tulisa - 'cheesy' is right, but you should have added that the cheese has gone off. As for TTT Barlow [Thomas The Tank] he has lost the plot, and would gain some respect if he conceded that Mr Maloney was 'baloney'.
MK1
Last week they were shit; the sad fact is that they cannot sing, and just because the chosen style is 'rapping' doesn't mean this fact can remain hidden. What does 'Urban' mean? I suspect it's a euphemism for 'shit'.
Oh here we go again this week - well out of tune, luv! This song is so awful that it makes the latest release by Robbie Williams seem fantastic rather than a nursery rhyme! Tulisa - "perfect song choice" is NOT true. TTT - you narrated with nausea. Nicole - you lost the plot and described it as "amazing", forgetting two syllables - "ly shit". Louis said they looked like they were having fun. Well, that's of course the most important thing (apparently) in every competition on every channel. Fuck entertainment, as long as the hopefuls/hopeless are "having fun". Yawn.
Jahmene Douglas
Nicole - sitting in a recording studio talking to him, wearing a stupid hat? Jahmene - what a wobbly start to the song! Too much wavering and extra notes made this too messy. He's got a fantastic voice, but the output was disappointing, and all over the place. The judges bickered for England, unnecessarily.
Jade Ellis
The Gabrielle sound-a-like had some issues with her build-up to tonight's show. It was middle of the road, but I suppose with such a bad throat and no proper practice, it was no surprise it was not spot on. However, Louis managed no sympathy at all with his unnecessary criticism.
James Arthur
His voice is clearly strong, unique and interesting. A surefire finalist.
Union J
The group with the worst name managed to improve last week - this was the only option, because the previous week (week one) they were the worst of all the performers, and should have gone home! Tonight they served us a typical boyband rendition, with some weak harmonisation, whilst appealing to 12-year-old females (who all have mobile phones) so I suppose they'll be here next week. Blimey, Gary's just mentioned the harmonies, and now Nicole as well; maybe I know what I'm talking about.
Rylan Clark
What can I say? Awful singing, but he's the novelty act of the competition. I make a point of avoiding TOWIE, but have to watch Rylan, so I am still poisoned. He'll be around for as long as people who bother to vote decide to keep him in the running, and annoy TTT.
Lucy Spraggan
Still quirky, still original, still clever and enigmatic, still entertaining.
Kye Sones
I didn't like it, and don't much warm to him either. I was bored by this performance, even though it was technically okay (and not the horror story that was the case last week). Nicole said she wanted it to be "epic" and that "it was". No, no, no, luv - it was okay. Elf, it wasn't "amazing". Tulisa, the "Chris Martin" comparison was OTT.
District 3
Here is another group which relies on Louis for guidance (ha!) but the three kids were awful last week, and sang like they'd been kicked in the nuts. The trailer is suggesting they are going to "have fun" and "show some energy". I'd be happy if they actually sing properly.
Oh fuck, this is cunting bollocks. On this basis, the scores need to be revised: MK 1, District Nil
Bottom two, if there's any justice, although the nine-year-olds may have the casting votes that keep them in. Tulisa, you idiot. Unfortunately they did indeed show more confidence, but they DID NOT SING WELL! TTT !?!? "The revelation of the night?" Bollocks, Thomas, because they sounded terrible. Am I the only one watching who thinks it was awful? Nicole, it was not "solid".
Ella Henderson
Fair play for singing a non-ballad, even though it was not massively inspiring. Nevertheless, with a voice like that, what could possibly go wrong? A surefire finalist.
"I want to find something to critique you on, but I can't." Nicole Scherzinger, avoiding the word 'criticise', thinking that she is being clever. TTT - find a siding to sleep in for the night, or I'll set the Fat Controller on to you.
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What a drag it was tonight; only James, Ella and Lucy were worth listening to. I see that this series, the organisers pestering us constantly to enter the 'competition' have decided not even to ask a pointless question, but simply to enter ('waste money') for the chance to win £20,000 and some shit add-ons. I bought my lottery tickets this afternoon, thanks.
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