2.9.11 Un-Cooperative

Which queue to join is a question many of us ask ourselves on a regular basis.  I had to make such a choice today, at the Co-op.  The extent of my intended expenditure was just 30 pence, for a newspaper.  In the 'old days', it was possible to nip in for such an item, and pay at the 'kiosk', without a significant wait.  These days, there's no such option.  The main reason is that the tills that used to serve such a purpose are now no different from normal tills, in that customers with full baskets can join the queue.  Further, the range of services at that till now includes lottery tickets, scratchcards, Paypoint (for TV Licences, mobile phone top-ups, utility bill payments) plus cigarettes and spirits behind the till operator.  The kiosk has two tills, but a greater potential for diverse requests from shoppers.  The ordinary till is less flexible, but attracts old biddies with a trolley full of overpriced items - and these shoppers are slow or disorganised or both.

My choice was between one functioning till at the kiosk with a queue of three people (including one with a basket of goods being presented by an elderly man) versus an ordinary checkout with the 'tail-end' of one shopper's transaction about to be followed by an old lady with loads of stuff in a small trolley. 

NB: This real-life conundrum would be of much greater relevance for GCSE Maths, rather than the more standard 'men digging a trench' question, or a more likely standard of question these days, 'What's one plus two? Tip - the answer rhymes with 'Tree' - unless you're Irish, in which case that's actually the answer.' 

I discarded the third option, which was dumping thirty pence on the counter and walking off, and the hoo-hah that would have ensued.  I joined the kiosk queue, having weighed up the merits of each and concluded that the speed of progress was likely to be marginally better on that channel.  Meanwhile, I was able to delight in the complete fucking madness at the Co-op.

Only two people were serving customers.  A supervisor was to my right, all of a sudden, laden with goods plastered with orange barcode stickers (reduced items) and putting them into a small trolley next to the kiosk.  This was no doubt an attempt to entice loiterers to pick up a last minute 'bargain', or buy items for something like their proper price, after the Co-op's attempt at extortion had failed.  My own suggestion would have been to put more fucking operators on the tills each week, and fewer items would have to be discounted just before their 'best before' date arrived.  The time it takes to buy stuff contributes to it not leaving the shelves quickly enough.  The main factor of course is that the shop is useless and the staff generally incompetent.  While all sorts of stuff was tipped into the trolley to my right, ahead of me stood Rita, donning a pink T-shirt over her Co-op top.  She stood in front of a small trestle table, which had odds and sods spread upon it - each with a raffle ticket taped in place.  I mused that more stuff was likely to leave the building with a sticker on it than without.  Rita was raising money for charity - which one I have no idea - and was asking anyone within range if he or she wanted 5 tickets for a pound.  All I wanted was to see her shut the fuck up, take off the T-shirt and get behind the other till in the kiosk.  A couple of other uniformed Co-op workers appeared, but one was buying a salad for herself and joined the queue behind the lady with the trolley, and the other chap just looked shifty and disappeared.

I got to the till, had a quick exchange with M (the only useful and likeable member of staff) and paid for my paper.  I did highlight the lunacy of staff being available to sell raffle tickets, while she (M) was stuck on the till serving a permanent queue.  A nod and agreement later, I was asked by Rita if I wanted to buy some raffle tickets.  I was thus presented with choice for the second time today, and had to consider what to do:

• Say 'Yes' and spend a pound to win fuck all of any use from the trestle table of oddments
• Say 'No' and walk on by
• Say 'Yes' but get my own back by asking the little itch to make it a "plus five" which would have perplexed her and been impossible to offer
• Say nothing, give a disdainful look with a very subtle shake of the head, and walk on by
• Say 'Fuck off you stupid little cunt, I would have been out of here five minutes ago if you stopped pissing about and annoying customers with a crappy offer of raffle tickets for in-store shit that is of no interest.  So why don't you stop blocking the exit, take off that T-shirt and do some fucking work because this shop is a complete joke.'

 I went for number four on this list of five alternatives, mainly because I will be forced to shop again at the cuntin' Co-op, and until I am leaving the area, I will try hard to avoid cutting my nose off to spite my face.

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