1.8.12 Olympic Badminton & General Update

Badminton

What a farce!  To turn up to the Olympic Games and fuck about, trying to lose a game defies logic and decency.  Shame on you, China, South Korea and Indonesia for tainting the competition and bringing disrepute to the sport.  Moaning about the format of the competition and that it may have been beneficial to lose a match because of the draw is NOT an excuse.  Yes, the people in charge of badminton caused the problem with the arrangements, but to try to lose a match is disgraceful. 

Tennis

Does anyone actually give a fuck about the tennis at all?  Unless there's a medal to add to a country's tally, there's no point in it.  We've just had Wimbledon, so the tennis is the most unwatchable element of the 2012 Olympic Games!

Squinting and Gurning

Sue Barker - Gold Medal, with a performance that can never be matched.  How the hell she manages to be thought of as presentable is amazing.

Gymnastics

Please please please will the commentators work out that they do not have to keep fucking talking about anything and everything.  They talk shite most of the time, they are condescending in the extreme, and as entertaining as turds melting in a fire.  Christine Still has a void that makes you want to stuff skewers into your ears, and Mitch Fenner is a patronising old giffer.  By the way, Mitch, please will you stop calling the fucking floor a 'piece of apparatus'.  It's a fucking mat on the floor!  As for Christine's (or was it some other biddy?) pronunciation of Asymmetric - 'Ass' for the first syllable - I am mystified!

Diving

The British women divers, Blagg & Gallantree sound more like a firm of solicitors than a pair of divers.  I did manage to quip to Mrs MWSC that the names were weird:  "Gallantree - you get a medal for that!"  I thought it was fucking hilarious.  One of the more ludicrous comments during the men's diving (after two of the six rounds were over) was:

"We haven't really started the competition yet.  That was the hors d'oeuvres; now for the four-course meal."

What complete shit!  Still, it wasn't the last of the rubbish spewed from the mouths of commentators.  We also had:

"It's a 4.1 tariff; that's off the Richter Scale when it comes to diving."  Could any cunt have said anything more stupid?  Then we had a more mundane dollop of shit, with:

"Everyone is diving out of their skin."

Sailing

The commentary was weak, and going on about "this is London 2012" makes little sense considering everyone who's sailing is in Weymouth.  I caught a strange comment that suggested the boats have secretly acquired engines (?) considering the statement:

"He's found a gear no one else has got."

Flags

There are cunts watching the Olympics who could be charged with being 'thick-in-charge-of-a-flag'.  There is most definitely a right way and a wrong way to display the Union Flag.  There have been countless examples of idiotic fans ignorantly waving flags that are back to front.  It seems that unless there's a fucking pole or a stick down one side, people can't get it right.  It's not like we see other supporters holdinmg flags upside down or back to front.  Get it sorted, you twats.

Swimming

There appears to be a weird phenomenon taking over the swimming event, with every race being preceded by a 'catwalk' display.  The swimmers are called out of the changing rooms, and appear wearing all sorts of ludicrous attire, when they are about to get fucking wet!  I was amazed to see the various tracksuits and the numerous swimmers who cannot function before a race without music.  The men seem commonly to wear massive headphones, to go with sulky expressions.  The women are no better; their preferred attire includes handbags!  Yesterday a swimmer was carrying a bag - why?  Spare Tampon?  Sudoku book?  Sandwich?  Map of the London Underground?  Another came out wearing a coat over her full tracksuit.  Madness!  Then I saw a woman carrying her coat.  What the fucking fuck?  Hat's off [turn of phrase - clearly all swimming hats are staying on] to Stephanie Rice, from Australia.  She was the only swimmer yesterday who braved the elements and took 12 paces from the changing room into the arena wearing ONLY a swimming suit, reading to jump into the pool and swim!  I wanted her to win purely for being sane and unaffected by the pathetic rituals that prevail now.  Sadly she came 4th.

Tonight, Rebecca Soni set a new world record time in the second semi-final of the women's 200m, and the commentator said: "She'll definitely be the fastest qualifier in the final."  Oh how we need commentators, eh?

Football

Well done GB for beating Brazil.  Lucy Ward's commentary is painful any day of the week, and the football is best enjoyed with no sound.  The best comment, just before GB took the penalty kick, was:

"Kelly Smith was born to do this."

Kelly Smith clearly wasn't, because she fucked it badly, and kicked the ball only just off-centre, and the Brazilian (nationality, not hair style - unless you know different) keeper saved it by not dying and moving 18 inches to her left.  Lucy managed then to comment on the keeper's movement in a way that suggested an excuse for the poor penalty kick by GB.

"If she'd gone the other way, it would have been a good penalty."

No shit, Sherlock.  If my Auntie had been a bloke, she'd have been my Uncle, etc etc.  I hope she's not being paid for this inane drivel!

Hair

Why do male gymnasts and some swimmers insist on retaining unsightly underarm hair when they clearly consider it unsightly to have any chest hair?  Weird depilation regime.

Cycling Gold

Well done, Bradley.  Your comments afterwards were gold as well.  In the interview afterwards, he referred to "Cycling the streets in wherever we are" and the "Wonderful setting in front of that castle."  Such a laid back approach to his whereabouts, and Hampton Court Palace.

The commentator had earlier come out with an unusual analogy:

"With the British providing the bookends of the podium, with 1st and 3rd places at the moment."

Jake Humphrey

"He's there because he's won the most number of gold medals."  Can't speak English or what!

Tickets

Fucking fiasco or what!  A complete cunt-up.  The empty seats prove what a mess the whole process of ticket allocation was.  Now we have some seats available at £5 on 're-allocation' after they've been returned.  If I was sitting watching after paying £100, I'd be fucked off if the guy next to me got in for a fiver!

Sponsorship

BBC commentator Jonathan Agnew fell foul of the Olympics branding police yesterday when he had his umbrella confiscated.  His brolly was seized while he was covering the archery at Lords, because it bore the logo of a non-sponsor.  What cunting fucking bollocks. 

Steve Redgrave

Boring. Bit too happy to be 'Sir Steve' and top dog.  The BBC needs to stop feeding his ego, because he's not good to listen to and is too 'it's all about me'.

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29.7.12 Note for the Milkman

Dairy Crest has reorganised things so that customers wanting to leave a note for an extra pint of milk can do so by phone - to the Philippines.

Instead of leaving a note for the milkman, a call to one of three call centres (in Oxfordshire, Spain and Philippines) by 9pm can allow changes in deliveries for the following morning.  A bloke from the local trade organisation commented quite rightly that this development rather defeats the object of having a local service.  Why there's a need to extend input past the environs of Oxfordshire and Spain I do not know.  It all seems rather mad to me!

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28.7.12 Piss Poor Pronunciation

Yesterday, after Jon Snow managed to invent a new and fucked-up way of speaking, it tipped the balanced and forced me to collate a few recent examples of how words are not pronounced properly, most commonly by people in broadcasting whose terms of employment ought to include some sort of requirement to speak the language.  I suggest that anyone who claims to be a newscaster or presenter should be able to talk properly or be sacked.

1 - Jon Snow on Channel 4 News managed to utter "Pro-veeez-o" for "Proviso"

2 - Alistair Stewart on Countdown managed "Alma Martyr" for "Alma Mater"

3 - John Irvine on ITV News offered "Bar-raaaaaaaje" (like a drawn out 'glad' sound) for "Barrage"

4 - BBC Radio Newsreader called the Chelsea owner "Ab-ra-mow-vich" in stead of "Abramovich"

5 - Huw Edwards referred to "Eye-zambard Kindom Brunel" rather than "Isambard"

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28.7.12 Sour Grapes GB Cycling

How utterly crass was the interviewer of the chap from Kazakhastan who won the gold medal.  "Congratulations, although it wasn't what the British public would have wanted."  Dis-fucking-graceful.  I DO NOT want the BBC deciding what I may or may not want!  I am actually interested in seeing some interesting and/or exciting games and races, and I am not obsessed with Team Cuntin' GB winning everything.  The bloke won a good race and deserved his gold medal.  Why the fuck does this automatically mean it was not what should have happened?

Congratulations Kazakhstan

After the race, Mark Cavendish was interviewed, and he was of course disappointed.  However, I was not impressed that he could only mumble, look away, and come out with such a pathetic comment. 

"Other countries are happy to lose, as long as we do.  That's how it is now in cycling, what with us being so strong in the sport."

Talk about a terrible attitude and sweeping generalisation.  Where's the good grace that should have been displayed.  He was well beaten.  Fucking awful display of sour grapes and poor sportsmanship.  If this is setting the tone in the attitude when anyone in Team GB loses, then the nation is going to be let down severely.  As for the commentators, pundits and newscasters, they are clearly biased as fuck to the point where there can be no enjoyment of sport for the sake of sport - only comment on relevance to GB all the time.

Please can someone (maybe Boris?) put out a directive that we should all be celebrating human endeavour, and not being partisan to the point of detriment to sporting behaviour and sporting comment!

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28.7.12 Olympics Update & Roll of Dishonour

Well, I must confess to having been so bored that I fell asleep before much of the opening ceremony "entertainment".  Yes, the procession of teams was at first interesting, but once I realised just how many fucking countries start with 'A' and 'B', I realised it was going to be a long process.  By the letter 'L' I was feeling the effects of a long day, and my eyelids lowered.

As Junior MWSC said to me this morning, when we both agreed that the teams marching past was a bore, he came out with this comment to take the piss: "Here is Oombattibomstan, with four athletes."  This put rather well the feel of the event.

The bits of the show I did see brought out a mixture of reactions in me.  I found the whole thing weird, mad, intriguing, pathetic, embarrassing, boring, cringeworthy, impressive, tired, drab, bonkers, awful, tame, badly thought-out, shite, good and 'what-the-fuck?' in varying proportions.

On the plus side, I did not have to endure anything uttered by Paul McCartney.  This includes any sound whatsoever, including the noise from him that some commentators describe as singing.  I am quite sure I missed some really good bits, but on the plus side my unexpected sleep on the sofa allowed me to miss a fair bit of dross.

Hazel Irvine managed to annoy me as she commented on the teams being introduced, and I would have preferred it if she'd been left in the BBC cupboard until the next snooker tournament needed inane drivel to accompany the 'action'.  At one stage she went on about the South Korea competitor who'd broken the world record in Archery earlier in the day - ie. ahead of the 'opening ceremony', which makes no sense, and she described him as an "outstanding athlete".  NO, luv, he is most definitely NOT an athlete.  He is a fucking good archer (especially being blind in one eye) and he no doubt practises with amazing dedication.  However, he is not an athlete.  'Athletes' are those who perform in athletics events [there's a clue there for you, Hazel].  It can also be used to describe people whose actions are akin to those used by athletes, so for example, footballers run and so might be described as 'athletic' or in turn, even athletes.  Stretching the term to a bloke standing still, and firing an arrow is fucking silly.  The Olympic Games is a collection of events that include games as well as sports.  Archery is a game, just like 'I Spy'.  "I spy, with my one eye, something beginning with B", said Im Dong-Hyun.  "Bullseye!" said the labrador.  Then IDH hit it (the bullseye, not the dog - that was for supper).

Yesterday morning's newspaper/comic (The Sun) included a coupon that could be redeemed at Morrisons, for a free Union Jack flag.  Fucking tossers!  Unless people turn up at Morrisons on a boat, the 'Jack' terminology is incorrect.  It is a Union Flag.

Other tossers in the last week have included the members of the British team who have refused to sing the National Anthem.  EXCUSE ME!  'Great Britain' includes England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, and the National Anthem is 'God Save The Queen'.  Any cunt who want's to be in the national team but then refuses to recognise the nation and the National Anthem is totally undeserving of a place in the limelight.  There is no place for anyone in 'Team GB' is he or she does not recognise being British, for fuck's sake!  Footballers seem to be a bit two-faced, wouldn't you say?

Roll of Dishonour

Ryan Giggs (Welsh not British?)
Craig Bellamy (Welsh not British?)
Joe Allen (Welsh not British?)
Neil Taylor (Welsh not British?)
Kim Little (Scottish not British?)
Ifeoma Dieke (Scottish not British?)

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27.7.12 London Games Update

Can anyone explain to me how the opening ceremony is tonight, yet we've already seen a start to the Olympic Games on Wednesday with women's football, and yesterday with men's football?  If that doesn't send out the message that football really doesn't count in the Olympics, then nothing does.  If it is 'Day Zero' today, and we can all watch the ceremony, then the women and men played on days 'Minus Two' and 'Minus One' respectively.

The Wednesday football was not watched by my good self, although I did watch the match last night between Team GB and Team Senegal.  I have no idea why our national entry has to have the prefix "Team" when no other country deems it necessary to use such a label.  For equality, I have therefore balanced things with 'Team Senegal'.  After the build up yesterday, I actually thought that for the football, the whole "Team GB" thing was a mix-up; that the letters were wrong, and the players were really part of "Team RG".  I reached this conclusion after the nauseating and continued arse-licking comments by all involved, lauding the oh-so-marvellous-and-bemedalled Ryan Giggs.  He has obviously saved a small amount of energy for exertions on a football field at approx 112 x 77 yards, rather than that other area measuring 5ft x 6ft 3 inches.

Team RG was at times singular, and at other times plural.  "Team GB are going to have to . . . " was typically followed by "Team GB is hoping to . . . " during the commentary.  Joe Allen had been noted as an Englishman in the programme, rather than a Welshman, but that seemed a minor cock-up in comparison with the displaying of the South Korea flag to represent the North Korea team.  The GB/RG show was hardly impressive.  The quality of the football was as dire as the quality of the new team strip.  Are all McCartneys useless?

The players in Team Senegal were quite simply out practising their lunges and poor tackles, commonly arriving one second too late and nobbling Team RG players.  'Physical' was the term used by commentators, and that was certainly the truth.  The real score in this match (based on poor tackling being the mark of success) was Senegal 79 - GB 6.

The referee was pathetic.  In fact, he was so awful, I would have torched him if I'd been invited to run in the relay and received (bought) a torch.  The total lack of control, admonishment for shit tackling and the almost non-existent use of red and yellow cards was obvious.  The real crunch (quite literally for Craig Bellamy) was the horrendous challenge right on the edge of the penalty area with ten minutes to go.  The player should have been shown a yellow card, although a red would have been fine as well, and the penalty would have allowed GB/RG/Team McCartney to have a great chance of going 2-0 up.  Instead, the twat in charge showed he was a twat and he confirmed for ever his inability to referee a match.  The goal by Team Senegal a few minutes later was a result of the home team's uselessness.

Pearce - waste of space, matey!  I am sure there are some 'positives' to take from the game, there always are, and this tired expression becomes a mixture of consolation and excuse.  Hansen could moan about the 'stonewall' penalty, while today's Sun calls the non-penalty a 'cast iron' one.  In summation, Robbie Savage tells the truth, saying Team GB/RG/McCartney has no chance, although 'Bronze' is mentioned in the banter by Hansen.  What utter shit - I refer of course to the game itself, the refereeing, the commentary and the analysis afterwards.

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26.7.12 Road Wars & Cereal Bars

Road Wars

Seeing this programme at the weekend on Pick TV was enough to make me both irate as fuck, yet resigned to the fact that this country is screwed beyond belief.  As a country, the UK is adopting an approach that is akin to a troubled individual who's into self-harm.

A couple of coppers in a car managed to stop a driver who was travelling with his partner and two kids in the back.  He was agitated, and for good reason - he actually admitted to having taken heroine just an hour earlier.  At the side of the road, the police checked over the car, while the fidgeting bloke waited, saying that he needed to get home, and that he was 'buzzing'.  The check of the car and contents revealed in the boot a number of syringes and needles.  They were all in plastic containers, so actually safe, but this suggested the habit was rather significant!

In the glove box, there were documents and benefit books that did not match the name on a credit card, a card which apparently belonged to the woman in the car.  The explanation of her having someone else's important documents was that her friend had left them round her house.  Meanwhile, two kids were sleeping on the back seat.

What was the outcome of all this?  No checks on the documents having been stolen, and the woman being taken at her word that they were innocently in her possession.  No 'producer' for checks on documentation for the driver/owner of the vehicle and his driving licence, and no action at all for his taking of drugs.  "You won't find anything, it's all gone" was his comment to the copper searching the car, and that proved to be correct.  The bloke was allowed to drive away!  What the cuntin' fuck?  Apparently it's fine to take heroin and then drive kids around in a car.

The very next 'case' shown on 'Road Wars' was the stopping of a BMW.  Whilst the driver was indeed an arse, and a check of his car reveal one tyre was below the legal limit, he was stopped because he was not wearing a seatbelt, and issued with a fine.  I am sorry, but as a driver, I'd prefer to have a car coming the other way with the driver choosing not to wear a seatbelt than one who's just taken heroine.  I suppose some cunt will point out to me that taking it doesn't impair driving, and that insurance is not invalidated through consumption of heroine.  That's so mad that it's possibly true.

As far as I am concerned, though, the police have got their priorities fucked up beyond all recognition.

Superstar

After my last and only post on this ghastly programme, and confirmation that I'd no intention of wasting any more than my devoting ten minutes at the start of the first programme, I accidently exposed myself to a few more seconds of input - mainly through channel hopping.  I caught on two occasions, snippets that contained horrendous phrases - corny, cheesy, dire shit.

Amanda Holden (so out of her depth trying to front a programme) was apparently looking for "A performance of biblical proportions".  Then, on Tuesday (I think) I caught some or other shit from her about the performers finding the "Holy Grail".  What complete bollocks.  Who on earth writes this stuff?  I happen to know that the search for Jesus has ended (thank his Dad) and that we can all now return to atheism where there's no hype, and no religious musical nonsense to bring out the hypocrisy of the nation.

Before I go, the only other sound-bite I ate (well, was force fed through inadvertent laxity in connection with my improper use of the remote control) was one from Lloyd Webber himself, who uttered: "You ooze charisma."  If only you did, Mr Webber.

Premier Inn

Has anyone ever managed to book a room at a Premier Inn for the cuntin' price of £29 as advertised all over the place, and talked about by the unfunny Lenny Henry?  I thought not.  Try it - see how far you get, because it's nigh on impossible.

Mist

The twat providing the weather forecast this week talked bollocks (as usual) and then when on about there being some mistiness.  Sorry, chap, but what exactly is wrong with saying there will be some mist?  The term 'mistiness' almost suggests there will not actually be any mist at all but conditions that are akin to there being a sort of mist.  Well, the reason there may be some apparent 'mistiness' is that there a load of fucking mist!

Barclays Bank

There has been enormous criticism of Barclays in recent weeks, and of its board.  The unsavoury practices, alleged fixing of LIBOR, and the general 'scumbag' approach of this corporate entity have all featured in the news, and there will be fines, claims for compensation and court cases for a long time to come.  Perhaps the worst failing of the bank has been less well reported.  It is of course without doubt the horrendous decision to keep airing adverts with scripts and voiceovers provided by the SO annoying Stephen Merchant.  The instant a Barclays advert comes on to the screen, I become more irksome than a rottweiler being stabbed with a compass from a geometry set.

Sponsors

Is there any fucking sponsor of anything at all who isn't a "Proud Sponsor".  It's complete bollocks for any company to presume that because it is stupid enough to spend a fortune on being a sponsor, or indeed a proud sponsor, we will all rush out and spend money on the appropriate products or services - which are no doubt made more expensive because of the fucking sponsorship!  'Proud' is a euphemism for 'Stupid Cunt of a'.  By the way, less offensive than 'proud' but still indicative of entanglement in the same completely flawed concept of sponsorship is the term 'official'.  "Official" just means 'paid more than any other cunt' - just to have a name stamped against an event. 

An advert on TV with the final voiceover statement of "Official cereal bar to the London Olympic Games" confirmed to me how fucked up the world is.  Why on earth I am supposed to buy an overpriced cereal bar because it is apparently linked to the Olympics I just do not know.

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