The Worst Thing About Strictly Come Dancing
Sunday, 17 November 2019
Wednesday, 13 November 2019
13.11.19 Bake Off Kids
For anyone who has an opinion of The Great British Bake Off, step back and have a look at Junior Bake Off. This is marvellous, and such an endorsement of the participants, and of course, Harry Hill.
These kids are wonderful/delightful, and the programme is head and shoulders above the adult version.
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These kids are wonderful/delightful, and the programme is head and shoulders above the adult version.
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Monday, 11 November 2019
11.11.19 The Mountain - ITV
This fucking programme gets off to such a shit start. First, we are subjected to Joanna Lumley's breathy introduction about the programme being sponsored by some company or other, ahead of the voice-over bloke waffling. Then we have to endure prissiness that's a challenge and a half.
His scene-setting line is delivered in such a pompous way, and he uses a plural that is out-cunting-rageous. Matthew Gravelle narrates, and comes out with the statement:
I've seen mountains in the Himalaya that look less dramatic.
Well, Mr Gravelle, Snowdon may be deserving of a compliment or two, but NOT if you're going to be pretentious. The plural of Himalaya is only Himalaya if you are pompous and being a twat.
This follows hot on the heels of Sir David Attenborough who yesterday fucked me off with "Puma" as the plural of "Puma". Yes, he's a national treasure, blah blah blah, but really! "The puma are ...." is a disgrace.
...
His scene-setting line is delivered in such a pompous way, and he uses a plural that is out-cunting-rageous. Matthew Gravelle narrates, and comes out with the statement:
I've seen mountains in the Himalaya that look less dramatic.
Well, Mr Gravelle, Snowdon may be deserving of a compliment or two, but NOT if you're going to be pretentious. The plural of Himalaya is only Himalaya if you are pompous and being a twat.
This follows hot on the heels of Sir David Attenborough who yesterday fucked me off with "Puma" as the plural of "Puma". Yes, he's a national treasure, blah blah blah, but really! "The puma are ...." is a disgrace.
...
Sunday, 10 November 2019
10.11.19 Not Much of a Sunday, and Some Cuntism
A very brief visit to b&m was hardly inspirational. There is something particularly bland about any visit to a b&m store. The contents of any one of the numerous outlets are a weird mixture indeed, and trying to work out the market positioning of this chain is a bit of a challenge. That's not to say that some of the offerings are not good value, but there are most certainly issues in the range of items that make their way on to the shelves. The randomness is certainly odd in some quarters, and there seems a real lack of logic. Anyway, I did pick up two bars of Galaxy chocolate, the large ones at 360g, for just £2 each. But then my desire for some onion gravy was not satisfied, as I could only obtain the regular stuff in a red tub, or chicken.
I was perplexed by the tannoy announcement delivered by a woman's upbeat voice, which declared:
We are now recruiting for seasonal colleagues
Now, aside form the word "for" being totally uncalled for [looking for, yes, or just recruiting] I was immediately set wondering what a "seasonal colleague" is. Never before had I encountered this particular job; I've obviously heard of seasonal workers as a term for those needed for things likes fruit picking, and of course for busy times like Christmas, but it was surprising to hear the actual employer using the term in a verbal advert, bolted on to the SHIT term 'colleague'. Companies are these days obsessed with this word, as though it makes workers seem rather more valued than there actually are. Asda workers are being treated very poorly with regard to their revised contracts, yet the petrol pumps show a message suggesting fuel purchasers should, if they have any problems, "contact a colleague". What the fuck?
Still, there's all sorts of shit uttered by people these days. The Match of the Day commentator this weekend referred to:
The current incumbent
Clearly there are thick people in abundance. The news on TV includes a spat between the Conservatives and Labour over the costs of the latter's policy commitments. John McDonnell is most certainly a lunatic, and dangerous. In fact I find most of the prominent Labour Shadow Cabinet to be dangerous, inept, and wholly unsuitable for office (with the exception of Kier Starmer). But however unsuitable these numpties are, and I cannot abide Dianne Abbott, there are outdone by the Conservatives, who are collectively a bunch of cunts. This is actually the major difference, because both camps are claiming to be ready to spend billions and sort out the problems. But I look at Boris Johnson, Sajid Javid, Priti Patel, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Leadsom, Raab, Hancock, Barclay, Truss and Cleverly, and I see........
Cuntism rather than Conservatism.
...
I was perplexed by the tannoy announcement delivered by a woman's upbeat voice, which declared:
We are now recruiting for seasonal colleagues
Now, aside form the word "for" being totally uncalled for [looking for, yes, or just recruiting] I was immediately set wondering what a "seasonal colleague" is. Never before had I encountered this particular job; I've obviously heard of seasonal workers as a term for those needed for things likes fruit picking, and of course for busy times like Christmas, but it was surprising to hear the actual employer using the term in a verbal advert, bolted on to the SHIT term 'colleague'. Companies are these days obsessed with this word, as though it makes workers seem rather more valued than there actually are. Asda workers are being treated very poorly with regard to their revised contracts, yet the petrol pumps show a message suggesting fuel purchasers should, if they have any problems, "contact a colleague". What the fuck?
Still, there's all sorts of shit uttered by people these days. The Match of the Day commentator this weekend referred to:
The current incumbent
Clearly there are thick people in abundance. The news on TV includes a spat between the Conservatives and Labour over the costs of the latter's policy commitments. John McDonnell is most certainly a lunatic, and dangerous. In fact I find most of the prominent Labour Shadow Cabinet to be dangerous, inept, and wholly unsuitable for office (with the exception of Kier Starmer). But however unsuitable these numpties are, and I cannot abide Dianne Abbott, there are outdone by the Conservatives, who are collectively a bunch of cunts. This is actually the major difference, because both camps are claiming to be ready to spend billions and sort out the problems. But I look at Boris Johnson, Sajid Javid, Priti Patel, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Leadsom, Raab, Hancock, Barclay, Truss and Cleverly, and I see........
Cuntism rather than Conservatism.
...
Sunday, 3 November 2019
3.11.19 Offending People
The world's current obsession with trying to avoid offending people results in what I can only describe as stupidity, and offence being caused by the very act of supposedly trying not to offend.
In today's paper is a piece about theatres set to ban the phrase "ladies and gentlemen". This is -
CUNTING FUCKING STUPID INDEED.
It allegedly excludes those who do not identify as either, and as a result, theatres are set to cater for those who are in limbo, while pissing off any person quite happy to recognise that they are male or female. So let's piss off over 99% of people in case there is someone in the audience who cannot work out if he/she is a he or a she or something else, who is offended by not being included.
By default, there is no place in society for the phrase "boys and girls" as this would clearly upset any child who was confused about himself/herself. Ludicrous crap.
Perhaps we should move towards a better style of introduction, then; something along the lines of:
Ladies, Gentlemen, Trans People, Hermaphrodites and Lady Boys - welcome to this production of Much Ado About Nothing.
The world is fucked up.
...
In today's paper is a piece about theatres set to ban the phrase "ladies and gentlemen". This is -
CUNTING FUCKING STUPID INDEED.
It allegedly excludes those who do not identify as either, and as a result, theatres are set to cater for those who are in limbo, while pissing off any person quite happy to recognise that they are male or female. So let's piss off over 99% of people in case there is someone in the audience who cannot work out if he/she is a he or a she or something else, who is offended by not being included.
By default, there is no place in society for the phrase "boys and girls" as this would clearly upset any child who was confused about himself/herself. Ludicrous crap.
Perhaps we should move towards a better style of introduction, then; something along the lines of:
Ladies, Gentlemen, Trans People, Hermaphrodites and Lady Boys - welcome to this production of Much Ado About Nothing.
The world is fucked up.
...
3.11.19 What's At Steak? Terror at the Checkouts
A few weeks ago, I had to show my receipt to an Asda security bloke who approached me with the comment "It's probably steaks". He was correct, and it was my purchase of three steaks for a tenner that had caused the major alert, and audible bollocks. A cursory look at the long till receipt meant I could proceed. It was laughable that many items I'd purchased were rather more valuable than a few lumps of cow at £3.33 each. I learned that if I want to steal something from Asda, I could either: a) avoid steaks and steal other things I might fancy that will not trigger alarms, or b) include steaks in a future shopping trip as cover for stealing other items, in the knowledge that my purchase of steak would protect me from any suspicion resulting from an alarm going off.
Of course this is all hypothetical. In fact, before I get anywhere near the exit, trained Asda staff would most likely have sent me loopy with mental torture - inane questions posed to me at the checkouts. Worse than water-boarding, the interrogation techniques are designed to suck out of any shopper's brain the will to live, let alone complete an act of theft.
There is one approach that might conceivably be a protection, but it requires some balls to effect it. This involves a preemptive strike, to turn the tables on a programmed checkout operator.
"Hi - Before you ask,
I have got my own fucking bags,
I am totally fine with packing my own shit,
I am sufficiently prepared not to require separate little useless bags for fresh meat which is in fact already wrapped to a satisfactory standard,
No I did not manage to find everything I was looking for, but your asking me if I have gives no value to my shopping experience and you don't give a shit anyway,
Please don't open the egg carton to inspect the eggs because I am not a moron and have already done that,
No, I have no need of a fucking hanger, thanks,
What I have done so far today is none of your fucking business so don't ask,
What I am doing with the rest of my day is also my business, so stick to scanning,
Before you exceed your remit, I will have no enthusiasm for discussing with you ANY of my purchases, and hearing whether you like something at any level,
Don't you dare resort to comments on the weather!
Thank you."
...
Of course this is all hypothetical. In fact, before I get anywhere near the exit, trained Asda staff would most likely have sent me loopy with mental torture - inane questions posed to me at the checkouts. Worse than water-boarding, the interrogation techniques are designed to suck out of any shopper's brain the will to live, let alone complete an act of theft.
There is one approach that might conceivably be a protection, but it requires some balls to effect it. This involves a preemptive strike, to turn the tables on a programmed checkout operator.
"Hi - Before you ask,
I have got my own fucking bags,
I am totally fine with packing my own shit,
I am sufficiently prepared not to require separate little useless bags for fresh meat which is in fact already wrapped to a satisfactory standard,
No I did not manage to find everything I was looking for, but your asking me if I have gives no value to my shopping experience and you don't give a shit anyway,
Please don't open the egg carton to inspect the eggs because I am not a moron and have already done that,
No, I have no need of a fucking hanger, thanks,
What I have done so far today is none of your fucking business so don't ask,
What I am doing with the rest of my day is also my business, so stick to scanning,
Before you exceed your remit, I will have no enthusiasm for discussing with you ANY of my purchases, and hearing whether you like something at any level,
Don't you dare resort to comments on the weather!
Thank you."
...
Saturday, 2 November 2019
2.11.19 Why ITV Is Fucked
It cannot escape the attention of anyone looking at today's TV schedule that ITV is fucked beyond any reasonable level. The line-up of shite demonstrates so easily that ITV is a disgrace. From midday to midnight, it's cunting crap.
12:15 The Mountain (Repeat)
A year in the life of Snowdon
12:50 Ninja Warrior UK (Repeat)
A whole hour devoted to a repeat of the obstacle course challenge
1:50 You've Been Framed (Repeat)
Another lump of repeated video clips
2:55 Midsomer Murders (Repeat)
A lazy 2-hour padding out of a Saturday afternoon
4:55 Tipping Point (Repeat)
Another cunting hour of repeated shite
5:55 News
6:15 The Chase Celebrity Special (Repeat)
The word 'celebrity' has, as ever, been misused
7:10 Take Me Out (Shit)
The first programme not to be a repeat, but a completely disgusting use of airtime, to abuse viewers with an hour and twenty minutes of pure shit, hosted by the nauseating Paddy McGuinness. Never in the field of viewing has such a pile of cack been presented as prime time entertainment on terrestrial television.
8:30 X-Factor Celebrity (Shit)
A pile of piss, featuring Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, Nicole Shitslinger, Dermot O'Dreary and people who can't sing. An hour and fifty minutes of torture.
10:20 The Jonathan Ross Show (Shit)
I don't like the fucker
11:25 News
11:40 Lethal Weapon (Shit)
The poor and corny as fuck series that has no place on TV or reason for being
...
12:15 The Mountain (Repeat)
A year in the life of Snowdon
12:50 Ninja Warrior UK (Repeat)
A whole hour devoted to a repeat of the obstacle course challenge
1:50 You've Been Framed (Repeat)
Another lump of repeated video clips
2:55 Midsomer Murders (Repeat)
A lazy 2-hour padding out of a Saturday afternoon
4:55 Tipping Point (Repeat)
Another cunting hour of repeated shite
5:55 News
6:15 The Chase Celebrity Special (Repeat)
The word 'celebrity' has, as ever, been misused
7:10 Take Me Out (Shit)
The first programme not to be a repeat, but a completely disgusting use of airtime, to abuse viewers with an hour and twenty minutes of pure shit, hosted by the nauseating Paddy McGuinness. Never in the field of viewing has such a pile of cack been presented as prime time entertainment on terrestrial television.
8:30 X-Factor Celebrity (Shit)
A pile of piss, featuring Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, Nicole Shitslinger, Dermot O'Dreary and people who can't sing. An hour and fifty minutes of torture.
10:20 The Jonathan Ross Show (Shit)
I don't like the fucker
11:25 News
11:40 Lethal Weapon (Shit)
The poor and corny as fuck series that has no place on TV or reason for being
...
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