What the cunting fuck is going on? Surely the stations between them have got enough spunk to summon up a Saturday offering that's worth the bother! There is what might generously be described as a 'lull' in the entertainment level, but what would be more accurately described as a cunting great chasm.
BBC1 has decided to rollover and die, giving licence fee payers an audio nightmare by showing Pitch Battle that swallows up one hour and thirty-five minutes of prime time television, from 7.25pm. This is the sixth of six such scheduling outrages, and I've avoided them all. This is not least because the host is Mel Gridlock/Giedroyc/Guidecock/Ging Gang Goolie.
In desperation, I looked at the options on ITV and was cuntin affronted by the ridiculous three-and-a-quarter hours block-booked by The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. This is taking the piss, ITV!
Ignoring the BBC2 golf coverage, I hoped for something from Channel 4. Sadly I was left furious by Fast & Furious 6 which is simply unnecessary, well all eight are - or is it up to nine now? 150 minutes with adverts!
Channel 5 is always shockingly shite, and with Big Brother, some other celebrity nonsense and a repeat of some allegedly 'shocking moments' (20 of them) in the evening schedule. it was of course no surprise for me to find the offering shockingly shite.
In some sort of vague hope that I might stumble upon something watchable on the other minor channels, I turned the page. ITV2 was lining up nearly three hours of Spiderman on his 13,240th repeat. ITV3 executives at a recent meeting concluded that we'd like to see Mamma Mia again - wrongly of course. ITV managed a clean sweep of utter shit and outrageous piss-taking with its last effort - the ITV4 listing for Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment. This has been aired permanently since the dawn of time, well, since it was made in fucking 1985. Worse, the follow-on film (Passenger 57 with Wesley Snipes) dates to 1992 and at 11.40pm, Death Wish 3 (from 1985) kills off any remaining viewers.
Dave thinks Demolition Man (Stallone) from 1993 is worthy of relentless attention, while E4 management is on drugs (speed?) because at 9.00pm we have Speed from 1994.
True Entertainment is a channel so poorly named that I think Trading Standards ought to be involved in a review. Three films (all gaining two stars) swamp Saturday night viewing, and take us back to the nineties in every case. The Stranger Beside Me, Loving Evangeline and Between Love and Hate. Honestly, have you heard of any of them?
Old films from the nineties prevail elsewhere - An American Werewolf In Paris on the Horror channel, and on the Sony Movie Channel, First Knight with Richard Gere and Sean Connery fucking about on horseback. On Film4, they've made it to the eighties (just, 1980) with Darkman, "starring" Liam Neeson. This is one of the worst films of all time!
Dire indeed.
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