Osbourne
The first show was, overall, a complete embarrassment for ITV. Yes, we all expect the usual mix of stuff and guff, but this time around, the standard has dropped significantly - and some doubted that was even possible. Sharon Osbourne talks to some contestants as though they are kids in nursery, and in the process, shows herself to be best suited to playing a weird and wacky witch, who lives in the forest in a cottage made of candy. Louis is the Elf with not the slightest clue about . . . . well, anything, actually. Nicole has already started with the Schermazing and Schershite Schit. Simon is just a nob. All four of them are addicted to lying, and relentlessly blowing smoke up the arses of the contestants, most of whom are at best mediocre, and at worst, Bratavio.
Louis Lunacy hit the ground running . . . . .
You've got soul
You're the perfect pop star
You made it your own
Great song choice
You nailed it
The song suited you
You deserve to be here
You deserve to be on that stage
You smashed it
You've worked so hard
You gave it your all
You've got a great recording voice
You're young, you're talented
They came out like pop stars
She totally owned it
Here's a damning indictment of X-Factor, AND the mediocrity of everything - only today did I even notice that Brooks Way had not performed. Seems there's some sort of scandal involving one of the chaps lumping someone. The duo slipped through the auditions, and somehow slipped into the live shows courtesy of Louis's lunacy. Now they've been ejected from the competition. I think the people who vetted the acts for ITV were the same people vetting Sam Allardyce for the FA. It is unbelievable that as a result, at 8.30pm this evening, Bratavio thus had a one in eleven chance instead of one in twelve.
At least in today's results show, Dermot O'Dreary didn't dance. Sharon Osbourne got a birthday cake, though that seemed pointless to me - she can get a fix of sweetness any time she wants by eating a chunk of her house. [See paragraph 1].
James Arthur arrived on stage to mumble some shit and display how X-Factor can produce a winner with the talent of a chipped bottle washer. If he was in the competition this year, he'd come tenth, one place ahead of Bratavio, and two places ahead of Brooks Way.
What the fuck is a 'lifeline vote' and why do we need one? Brantano, Saaara Aaaalto and Freddy Parket were left on stage, and each hoped to receive a lifeline. I ate my supper and of course didn't go near a phone, or App. More beef stew was consumed, as I endured the adverts, and then we found out who was given a lifeline - Freddy. He'll be here to kill us all softly with his song next week.
Saaara the aaaardvaaark came on to the stage and mumbled a few words before some higher pitched whining kicked in, and then the full pelt wailing took over. "I'm alive, I'm still breathing," she wailed. Brontosaurus cat-walked on to the stage, and then the disaster commenced. Yes, the car crash got underway. Every out-of-tune word was another car in the pile-up. This was fucking atrocious. My ears rebelled, and I decided I'd rather be punched the Brooks way than listen to this crap.
The Vote
Louis was always going to stick with his twats, and even though he said Saaara was 'incredible', he was true to form - a lunatic. Sharon obviously kept Saaara. Shitslinger talked schit but at least voted to eject Bratavio. Simon said "this was like a Guinea Pig versus a Racehorse," and got rid of the two chaps - thank got.
On a scale of Bratavio to 10, they broke the laws of physics and were worse than Bratavio.
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