9.10.16 X-Factor Results Week 1

Osbourne

The first show was, overall, a complete embarrassment for ITV.  Yes, we all expect the usual mix of stuff and guff, but this time around, the standard has dropped significantly - and some doubted that was even possible.  Sharon Osbourne talks to some contestants as though they are kids in nursery, and in the process, shows herself to be best suited to playing a weird and wacky witch, who lives in the forest in a cottage made of candy.  Louis is the Elf with not the slightest clue about . . . . well, anything, actually.  Nicole has already started with the Schermazing and Schershite Schit.  Simon is just a nob. All four of them are addicted to lying, and relentlessly blowing smoke up the arses of the contestants, most of whom are at best mediocre, and at worst, Bratavio.

Louis Lunacy hit the ground running . . . . .

You've got soul
You're the perfect pop star
You made it your own
Great song choice
You nailed it
The song suited you
You deserve to be here
You deserve to be on that stage
You smashed it
You've worked so hard
You gave it your all
You've got a great recording voice
You're young, you're talented
They came out like pop stars
She totally owned it

Here's a damning indictment of X-Factor, AND the mediocrity of everything - only today did I even notice that Brooks Way had not performed.  Seems there's some sort of scandal involving one of the chaps lumping someone.  The duo slipped through the auditions, and somehow slipped into the live shows courtesy of Louis's lunacy.  Now they've been ejected from the competition.  I think the people who vetted the acts for ITV were the same people vetting Sam Allardyce for the FA.  It is unbelievable that as a result, at 8.30pm this evening, Bratavio thus had a one in eleven chance instead of one in twelve.

At least in today's results show, Dermot O'Dreary didn't dance.  Sharon Osbourne got a birthday cake, though that seemed pointless to me - she can get a fix of sweetness any time she wants by eating a chunk of her house. [See paragraph 1].

James Arthur arrived on stage to mumble some shit and display how X-Factor can produce a winner with the talent of a chipped bottle washer.  If he was in the competition this year, he'd come tenth, one place ahead of Bratavio, and two places ahead of Brooks Way.

What the fuck is a 'lifeline vote' and why do we need one?  Brantano, Saaara Aaaalto and Freddy Parket were left on stage, and each hoped to receive a lifeline.  I ate my supper and of course didn't go near a phone, or App.  More beef stew was consumed, as I endured the adverts, and then we found out who was given a lifeline - Freddy.  He'll be here to kill us all softly with his song next week.

Saaara the aaaardvaaark came on to the stage and mumbled a few words before some higher pitched whining kicked in, and then the full pelt wailing took over.  "I'm alive, I'm still breathing," she wailed.  Brontosaurus cat-walked on to the stage, and then the disaster commenced.  Yes, the car crash got underway. Every out-of-tune word was another car in the pile-up.  This was fucking atrocious.  My ears rebelled, and I decided I'd rather be punched the Brooks way than listen to this crap.

The Vote

Louis was always going to stick with his twats, and even though he said Saaara was 'incredible', he was true to form - a lunatic.  Sharon obviously kept Saaara. Shitslinger talked schit but at least voted to eject Bratavio.  Simon said "this was like a Guinea Pig versus a Racehorse," and got rid of the two chaps - thank got.

On a scale of Bratavio to 10, they broke the laws of physics and were worse than Bratavio.

....

8.10.16 X-Factor Ad Nauseam - 2016 Competition

The nightmare truly gets underway today, after the lunacy of the 6-chair challenges, most notably in respect of the hapless and hopeless champion of the lobotomy, Louis Walsh.  As the epitome of an oxymoron, this disaster of a 'judge' has no sense of judgement, and yet is empowered enough to deal us all a cruel blow by fucking up at choosing the best three from his final seven.  Yes, folks, at every stage, Louis is a loser.

Smug Simon will display smugness, and talk bollocks while talking up a show which is riddled with shite.  The piss is so surely being taken out of the viewers that there need be no ad breaks for trips to the loo.  Of course, the ad breaks and competition announcements, recaps and other padding constitute a third of the schedule, so we had better all be prepared to have our pain cycle stretched.

So who is lined up for us:

Sam Lavery

I was driving through the Tyne Tunnel this week, and above the entrance (surely a distraction to drivers) was the illuminated message "X Factor - Vote Sam Lavery".  It would seem that the competition is not about talent, but instead is one where regional voting is to determine things.  Why the cuntin fuck was this sign allowed?  I ask this in terms of a) driver safety b) musical taste, and c) geographical bias.  Whatever, Louis will be calling her a pop star, and reminding us all that she is only 17, the same as his IQ.

Giftie Louise

She has never had the best voice, but in the shows so far has managed to present herself confidently and determinedly.  This has demonstrated a presence and assuredness that marks her out as a contender.  She is certainly very mature for her 20 years and is going to do well.  I suspect her presence, movement on stage and general presentation will serve her in much the same way as was the case for Fleur East, meaning that the okay singing will be complemented and assisted.

Emily Middlemass

She is one of the favourites, and is perhaps one of the more natural personalities in the competition. I expect her to do well, and though she is 18 years old, has a fair amount of confidence.  I remember her not quite making the live shows a couple of years ago, when she deserved to go through.  The only real danger comes not from the resident elf, Louis, out to criticise song choices to try and dig at Simon, but from Ryan Lawrie, the drip with whom she's paired up.  His influence can be of little benefit to anyone, or anything, even a needy puppy.

Honey G

The inclusion of Honey G in this year's live shows is so much more to do with those orchestrating the competition than any relevance to talent.  She's been put through at the expense of worthier people, so that we can be annoyed at her in due course.  Her delusions and confidence combine to give us a crazy presence that in the next few weeks cannot end well, whether musically, emotionally or with regard to entertainment. The flop will be a metaphorical belly flop.  Sharon will try to convince us that Honey G is 'for real' and is talented - in much the same way that she did all those years ago regarding Tabby.  Silly moo.

Saara Aalto

Saadly she was given a second chaance, and this overly eaager semi-professionaal taalent show aaplicaant will almost certainly aannoy us to bits. Her clear voice is not without some merit, bit saadly it is presented to us by its owner.  The Finnish woman will finish early in this competition, and do so aafter struggling to be understood - and I don't mean linguistically.  Having said that, she opted for French in her second song at the 6-chaair chaallenge.  I find her aannoying.  She has no X-Factor, but does have a dollop of A-Factor.

Relley C

I struggled to understand how Relley C got through.  I rather think Sharon Osbourne was going for a set, much as one does in Monopoly, and so needed Relley C to go with Honey G and Saara A.  I do not predict great things, and expect her to last only while (or if) the dross is cleared out in the first couple of weeks.

Matt Terry

Is he the one that allegedly "the girls will love" (Louis being an honorary girl, of course)?  I am already bored and have run out of things to say.

Freddy Parker

Not sure how he got through, and as with Matt, I have very little to say, other than recalling slight annoyance.  Maybe he'd rubbed shoulders accidentally with Saaaara Aaalto.

Ryan Lawrie

The weakest and wettest of the boys (and he did have to go some) Ryan managed to get a place in Nicole's last three by some weird magic.  There is no logical reason or any reason linked to an ability to sing, why he managed to get included, unless there was some sort of Cowell command that his own act (Emily) needed comforting and cuddles.  In a sleight to Sharon, he avoided giving this 'honour' to the rapper, and so it's Ryan who's charged with applying honey to Emily's G spot.  Get ready for the lame comments about the two being an 'item'.

Louis 'The Elf' Walsh has surpassed himself this year, after a disastrous contribution in the lead-up to the live shows.  Never in the field of human decency, integrity and intellect has there been such a fuck-up.

Bratavio

Bradley and Ottavio - two of the worst excuses for singers ever to grace the stage are about to annoy the cuntin fuck out of the UK, and most certainly me! Fuck off, X-Factor, and your fucked up standards of decency.  Four of Diamonds must be pulling their nails out at the injustice!  The Elf is the numpty who will oversee the mess, as these two twats parade and wobble and warble.

Brooks Way

They were, until now, The Brooks, but the name has been tweaked.  Sadly these nondescript brothers haven't been, so they continue to shuffle down the middle of the road, towards mediocrity.  I suggest we park them up in a cul-de-sac fairly early on, but somehow they'll linger, I suspect.

5 After Midnight

Surely it should be 3 After Midnight?  They are a long way from being mint, but very likable chaps who bounced around at Judges' Houses.  I can hear the numerous references to "having fun", especially of course from The Elf.  I think they'll do okay, and there are a number of far worse acts filling the lineup this year.

....