28.5.16 Britain's Got Talent Final

Britain's Got Talent has quite typically ensured that singers dominate the line up.  Still, there are a few finalists who don't warble.  Sadly someone thought it appropriate to invite Katherine Jenkins to warble like a twat during the start of the programme, to introduce the judges.  A fucking horrendous racket was served up by her, oh so cunting needlessly!

The public's 'wildcard' act was rather predictably a fucking dog.  The ballet dancers were put through by the judges.

Balance Unity  1 / 5

His semi-final performance did not warrant qualification for the final, so I was not holding out any hope of a decent final performance.  He fidgeted and wobbled along with various theme tunes and music snippets, while pulling faces.  I was bored before the first minute was up.  Overall, fucking lame. "What a way to start the show," was of course leaving the lips of the comperes before Walliams even got a chance to speak - and then say the say fucking this, as always.  Yawn.

Time for the first "quick break," as announced by Ant.  The first advert up was for the Suzuki Vitara, featuring Ant and Cuntin Dec! 

Richard Jones  4.2 / 5

Something non-singing and non-dancing; well what a turn up!  What an original and well-pitched performance and story.  Very interesting and fitting, and a brave type of performance.

Time for "a break." and as it was not announced as a "quick" one, I decided I could served myself seconds of the roast chicken dinner. the stupid competition meant I had even longer to load my plate.

100 Voices of Gospel  - 0.0025 / 5

The screaming shite that was served to us in the auditions was outrageously awarded the golden buzzer.  And so it came to pass that tonight we were served another helping of shite.  The lead singer was/is/always will be a verbal bully, and a shouting fucker.  How can anyone be so unlikable?  Then she made it worse by singing/shouting/wailing about Jesus!  FUCKING CUNTING HORRENDOUS!  "I don't know where to start," said Alesha.  I fuckin' do! "That was what we call perfection," said Simon, and I lost any smattering of respect that still remained for him.

Alex Magala  4 / 5

This chap has shown us he is dedicated as hell.  His approach to entertaining us is severely radical.  I resisted the urge to try anything like this at home, and Mrs MWSC was able to breathe easy (and not get the Flash ready to mop up blood).  Amazing input from a chap who pushes boundaries.

Mel & Jamie  2 / 5

Without a break, we were into our third act in a row!  The first time these two were on stage, it was good, and the mother stood back.  In the semi-final, she dominated, and I was surprised they got through.  Tonight I was unsure what the plan would be.  As it turned out, it was a rather boring dirge, and I was bored as hell.  The shit song was a cliche and a half, and so the best from these two came from that first audition.  Simon commented in line with this until his comment on tonight, saying it was as good as the audition . . . well, it wasn't!

"Time for a another quick break," said Dec - well it was overdue, wasn't it!

Shannon & Peter  2.2 / 5

This performance was pretty much what I expected.  I did not agree with Simon, though, as this time it was not any improvement on the last effort.  Still, they will have enjoyed getting to the final.

Jasmine Elcock  5 / 5

Superb!  A truly lovely performance and person.

"Time for a quick break," said Dec.

Trip Hazard  1.5 / 5

I thought we'd got rid of the dog, but I'd not reckoned on the cuntin public vote reintroducing the mutt.  I was bored to death.

"We'll take a short break now," said Ant.

Beau Dermott  3.8 / 5

Sadly she's not especially likable, and whilst she is an accomplished singer, the stuff she sings is hardly of much interest.

Craig Ball  3 / 5

This seemed like a bit of a challenge for him, and it started to show as he lost his bearings.  There was nothing new here.

Boogie Storm  0.5 / 5

Never has an act been so unworthy of being in a final.  Utter SHITE.

"Time for a break now," said Ant.

Wayne Woodward  4.5 / 5

Solid as ever; he's a natural at this.  What a personality.


Who knows how the public will vote in the 16 minutes allocated for the task.

...

14.5.2016 Eurovision Song Contest Final

Petra Mede & Mans Zelmerlow

The annual madness that is Eurovision means a marathon television session as usual. The schedules allowed three and a half hours for this year's event from Stockholm.  Graham advised us that while the semi-finals usually filter out the dross, this year a couple of howlers have crept through.  I think it is fair to say that every single year there is dross on stage, whether in the semis or in the final.

Belgium 

What's the Pressure?  More like 'What Was the Point?  Maybe you had to be there to get into it; unfortunately it was a flop.

Czech Republic

I Stand.  What dreary load of tosh.  I wish she'd decided to sit, backstage. Alas, we had to endure her whining and wailing.  "Stand down, luv," I implored. Dire.

The Netherlands

Slow Down.  Middle-of-the-road stuff.  Bland and with some dubious singing here and there.  The sort of song you'd never want to hear the first time, let alone again.  Give me back my 3 minutes!  After two minutes he stopped for ten seconds.  Sadly that was not the end and another minute came.

Azerbaijan

Miracle.  A woman called Samra warbled her stuff.  Inane drivel lyrically, and rather awful musically.  It was always going to take a miracle for this to get anywhere.  I think she got the gig for her looks, as she simply can no singing ability.  This was horrendous.

Hungary

Pioneer.  Freddie strained away, and avoided (to our cost) a fucking good cough.  As a result, we had to listen to his throat rasping.  Three jiggling backing singers were bizarre, but not as strange as the monk banging a drum and having a fit.  This was just a racket and needless.

Italy

No Degree of Separation.  No idea what she was saying at all.  She seemed to get into it.  It was very wordy - in Italian of course.  The, half way through, she switched to English for 30 seconds!  I think it may have been quite good, but her singing was weak.  Peculiar performance.

Israel

Made of Stars.  Not quite Savage Garden but he made a decent attempt.  Yes, it was fairly repetitive but that's to be expected at Eurovision.  It started to lose its way as the volume increased in the second half but it was the best after the seven.

Bulgaria

If Love Was a Crime.  Graham built this up, but it was not worthy of his intro. The singing was atrocious, and for me, that's a rather important element in a fucking song contest.  It was catchy in a horrible way, as it offended ears in a catchy way!

Sweden

If I Were Sorry.  This was interesting, and a nice change from the amateurish pop that's served up most of the time.  Slightly self indulgent but nevertheless it was a long way from offensive.  It will do very well.

Germany

Ghost.  "There isn't a single thing about this woman that doesn't annoy me," said Graham!  He was on the money.  Her pitch was at a level that hurt my ears, and I willed it all to end early.  Sadly is droned on.  Awful.

France

J'ai Cherche.  The chorus was catchy - You-ou-ou-ou-ou, he said, in between various rubbish in both English and French.  It was weak, and so dreadfully repetitive that I willed it to end.  I could do with not hearing that again.

Poland

Colour of Your Life.  I was annoyed instantly because the word 'colour' was written 'color'.  This is the Eurovision and not an American event.  His desperation as he sang was annoying as hell.  Why do performers insist on assaulting ears with a vengeance?

Australia

Sound of Silence.  The sound of silence would be better than most of the acts so far.  This effort was not too bad.  A bit too much wailing and repetition but at least she was marginally better than most at singing.  Why Australia has been adopted permanently is simply ludicrous.

Cyprus

Alter Ego.  The lead singer couldn't sing, and so this desperate attempt at performing was doomed to failure.  Flashing lights, cages and smoke could not help in any way.  This was embarrassing, and should get nil points.

Serbia

Goodbye (Shelter).  The woman in black had a weird style and struggled to pronounce a single word correctly.  This had a detrimental effect, because all the way through I was fucking fuming with her misplaced passion, and perverse use of sound.

Lithuania

I've Been Waiting For This Night.  This followed the Eurovision formula very well.  Some quiet bits, a loud and catchy chorus, a building volume as we were all supposed to buy into it.  Unfortunately it was rubbish.

Croatia

Lighthouse.  "The backing singers may be in some sort of witness protection programme," said Graham.  A strange sound, though not actually that bad.  The trouble was that I could stomach a bit of her, but not the full 3 minutes, and as they passed (so very slowly) she got worse, and more grating.

Russia

You Are the Only One.  "Thunder and lightning, it's getting exciting," he sang, and I disagreed.  The special effects on stage were good, but that's got fuck all to do with it!  This was a serious attempt to win.

Spain

Say Yay!  This was a club dance track, and although it was all a bit messy, it will no doubt appeal to many.  I must say that I quite liked it.  Obviously I have had to lower my standards significantly to find anything bearable this year.

Latvia

Heartbeat.  This was hard work to listen to.  It was all over the place vocally, and featured intermittent shouting at full volume.  There was nothing to recommend it to anyone who is not hard of hearing.

Ukraine

1944.  What can I say.  This was a one-off and so hard to evaluate.  I commend the originality and suspect that she is Ukraine's answer to Kate Bush.  I found it very interesting and off the wall.  Hopefully it will do well.

Malta

Walk On Water.  I wished she would indeed walk on water, at a steady pace west, across the Atlantic.  Pretty awful, cliche trash, and annoying as fuck!

Georgia

Midnight Gold.  I have no words.  This was terrible when the chap was singing.  

Austria

Loin D'ici.  Sung in French, and better than France managed!  It was okay, but so, so repetitive.

United Kingdom

You're Not Alone.  I hadn't heard this beforehand, and I don't feel I'd missed out in any great way.  It was passable, and certainly much better than many of the acts.  Sadly, the UK is not liked generally, and always struggles for votes.

Armenia

LoveWave.  "You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou," she wailed, and replicated the entry from France.  She thinks she's Anastacia, but she wailed just a bit too much, questioning any link to music.


This year's entries and performances fell a long way short of last year's.

Result

1sr Ukraine
2nd Australia
3rd Russia

[Arguably none is in Europe]

...