"You will choose your ultimate winner," said Wailing Willis, in the introduction, as if it made the slightest fucking sense. Then Paloma Faith took to the stage, talking even more drivel and bollocks than should be humanly possible.
Jolan
Yes, The Voice was underway; the Final was set to present two hours of testing television. After just six minutes, we had some music, courtesy of Jolan. It seemed he'd heard it through the grapevine. Sadly I could fucking hear him hearing it and singing about it. 'Jolan' sounds like a brand name for artists' putty or something; where do such names come from? Anyway, he milked the fucking song to within a teat's throb of a sore.
Ricky suddenly though he was Abraham Lincoln, with an impromptu speech. Willis referred to him as James Bond, and Boy George suggested David Cameron; WTF? Will.i.am reminded us that this was the last time The Voice would be on BBC television, and my mood lifted very temporarily.
Lydia
Marv was sitting on a red sofa, confirming his ineptness as an interviewer, host, presenter and general TV presence. "It's a dream come true said Linda, Lydia's mother," in the VT. Original eh? Grandma Dotty had back-combed her hair especially, and I feared for her going up in three seconds, should a stray spark catch hold. "It's Lydia!" said Marv, by way of introduction.
"Everything's Gonna Be All Right, she warbled. It was sure to be, in about 1 our and 45 minutes. The rapping part of the song, in a voice that made me want to put my foot through the television, was the prelude to her Leona Lewis impression. It was better than Jolan, even if she was a gushing pain.
"Lydia has been an architect, to construct her own songs," said Iams, and I'd know idea she'd studied for so long to be qualified as an architect. Paloma said something (not sure what, but is was valueless) before George confirmed she'd "done Essex proud".
Kevin
Kevin was up next, singing 'Stay'. I was bored after 13 seconds. 'You leave me speechless, absolutely speechless, " lied Wailing Willis, because she didn't stop talking. "On point," said Boy George; YAWN. Paloma 'The Teeth' Faith gargled through some compliments, and then "super dope" was Will.i.am's contribution to the comments.
Cody
"She is a very unique individual," said Boy George, taking a leaf out of Willis's book of non-English. Mad World was a shit song choice. What a shame that no one had a thought to be slightly more original and adventurous with a song that we hadn't heard 34 million times. Still, she's an interesting person, and still managed to make something of it. Paloma talked shit about weeds growing through cracks in the pavement, confirming her need for a straight-jacket.
Marv
His testing questions on the sofa were cunting crap. Jolan confirmed he has no personality. The Essex girl said something formulaic, and the camera flicked to Grandma in the audience, away from any naked flames. Kevin was supported by 'Liberty X' in the audience. The value of this was not discussed.
So after the first round of singing, Cody was clearly the most likely to win. "Whoa, they're on fire here tonight," said Willis about the audience, and I wondered fleetingly if Grandma has found a Bic lighter. Then we were told that round two was about to start - the duets.
Jolan & Ricky
The shouty song was suitable for masking the lack of talent (mostly regarding Ricky) and I could have done without hearing even a second of the noise. Pathetic trash.
Cody & Boy George
Another terrible song choice - 'Imagine'. There's no way that will ever really make a brilliant impression in a singing contest. George warbled, and made Tony Bennett sound good! A really wasted opportunity. YAWN.
Kevin & Ricky
Ricky proved beyond any doubt whatsoever that he cannot sing. The first 30 seconds of Ricky making a noise was horrendous, just before it carried on being horrendous for the rest of the duet.
Lydia & Will.i.am
"Will arks if I can hang out in the shtoodio," said the TOWIE representative in the VT. Her dad was (to listen to) Micky Flanagan, and I could have done with 5 minutes of him instead. The song choice was clearly going to be one that required no singing from Will.i.am. I was correct in my assumption. The melody was provided by Lydia, along with some groaning when Will did his talky bits. This was complete fucking rubbish all round. 'Dope' in the true sense of the word, Will.
Whittling Down
"The competition has never been closer," lied Marvin, after an inane exchange with the contestants regarding the covers for the winner's single.
"It's time to get serious," said Marv, as the two presenters got ready to confirm the two contestants making it through to a sing-off. Marv . . . 'serious' . . . seriously?
Jolan got through (?) along with Kevin. It should have been Cody and Kevin. So Ricky won on the judging side without the final two having to sing another note - despite the fact that Ricky himself managed only bum notes on both his duets with them.
Still half hour to go at this point. YAWN. Next came two airings of the same corny song. Kevin was surely going to win.
Yes, after many many weeks of The Voice, the BBC has finally declared that 'The Voice' is in fact a bloke who was in Liberty X, a successful band. Wow.
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