30.8.15 X-Factor - The 2nd Audition

What on earth has happened to Cheryl Fibonacci Houdini recently?  A sequence (get it?) of changes has resulted in a weird facial outcome, atop a skeletal frame.  Really odd.

Cheryl with her X-Factor Chauffeur

Surely it must be obvious to everyone that there is an effort on her part to become a Thunderbirds puppet?  The rather subdued 'New' Cheryl is certainly a different person.  Simon seems to feel some sort of duty to look after her, without strings attached? I wonder . . . .

New Wave

The "singing and dancing at the same time" was a joke of a claim by the group, as they could do neither - most importantly SING!  Hilariously fucking dire.

"I'm always admirable when people blah blah blah," said Cheryl, talking shite . . "admirable" ??  What an illiterate twat, who clearly cannot speak English.

The First Kings

The intro was rather self indulgent, and then the five blokes delivered a mediocre load of bollocks.  This was formulaic trash masquerading as entertainment.  Fuck off First Kings.  The hype was unjustified.  CCFV stood to clap.  "I have been waitin' so long for a performance like this," she waffled, and bored the arse off every baboon in Longleat.  "That for me mashed it up," said Ms Ritalin - WTF?

Chloe Page

Arriving with 76 family members in tow, she wanted to "make them proud" - a non-original proposition if ever there was one.  I found her mumbling performance underwhelming as hell.
"I didn't want you to stop singing," said Rita - while I was glad of the cessation.


Intermission

Time for the Nick Grimshore is a waste of time moment.

Pointless

Adriana Deco

So awful that I am considering suing ITV and X-Factor for exposing me to this shite.

Zaiga from Latvia

Ditto as fuck.

Impulse (Lauren and Corina) from The Netherlands

Ditto as cuntin' fuck.

Seann Miley Moore from Australia

It's important to express yourself through fashion and music.  Sadly he was a failure on both counts, but after a run of shite, he was deemed worthy of a place in the next round.  This shows that relativity affects the decisions made in the auditions.  Novelty value was his only real attribute.


Seven performers in the 45 minutes so far means we are being drip fed the shit this year, as in all other years on X-Factor.

Josh

The sob-story finale was about his best friend who died two years ago. Anyway, moving on to the matter of the music and singing.  He was of course very good, and worthy of the 'final spot' to send us all on our way for the week.  CCTV managed quite a few 'concerned' looks during the performance, to confirm her dismay that someone can sing, being alien to any such concept herself of course.

The audience cheered madly of course, and Lady Penelope was stuck for words, but not tears though.  "You really touched me," said DVT, grateful for the attention.  Grimshore said something bland.  Simon confirmed a third 'Yes'.

So, we saw just EIGHT auditions.  Fucking disgraceful rate of entertainment!

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29.8.15 X-Factor - The First Audition

Susan, a 60-year-old lovely lady without a shred of fucking talent was first up. Rita's inaugural comment was:

"You are the highlight of the last five years of my life," said Rita.  TWAT.

She put her through, as did Versini, and Grinbore.  Simon diplomatically avoided casting any vote, with Susan having already secured three votes and a pass to oblivion.

A scared woman (Lauren, 25, from Northwest London) decided to sing rather than attend her job as a dental nurse.  After the judges dispensed with any options for a Whitney Houston song, she was off singing reasonably well (aside from some growling).  I waited for the cliches and got them.

"I would absolutely love to mentor you," said CFV.  
"When you work with me, we are going to make some amazing songs," said Ritalin.
"Do you know what I like about you?  You don't know how good you are."  Simon rolled out this gem with no shame at all!

Man and Woman.  A bloke and his girlfriend then abused my eardrums, while the female wiggled a bit in an impromptu 'dance'.  He wailed like a earwig being squeezed, while the crowd cheered.  WTF?

Jennifer Phillips was up next, wailing like a cat whose tail was in a mincer. The judges stood and wiggled (except Simon obviously) and then all four clapped.  I yawned.

"You just need a constant standing ovation", said the dipsy Rita Oral.

"To coin a phrase, you took us to church girl," said CCTV, clearly not coining a phrase but using a pathetic cunt of a cliche.  Eat a pie, luv.

"I'm amazed there hasn't been a male version of Cheryl Cole," said Simon, and this was repeated by Ritalin.  Oops . . . . a double name clanger there.  Then Tom started to perform, with his own dance troop.  He got through, strangely.  "He was committed," said CFVXY, and I thought he really should be.

A bloke wailed and danced with Rota, and got through?  Ugh?

Tom Bleasby was next to take up time on the VT, a sure sign that he was set to be good enough to go through.  Sure enough, he was good, but managed to pick a song that exposed the nerves and wobbles, at a pitch that was curious. The 'fluttering' was slightly disconcerting.  A good lot of applause followed. He got through with four votes.

CC/CFC/CFV/CCTV/Citroen 2CV

What's happened to CFC these days?  She looks not only malnourished, but facially so different.  Odd as hell.  Same voice, and of course, minimal singing talent, but certainly a new look.

The 4th Power arrived, from the Philippines - no space on PGT then? - and the giggling four were allowed to sing.  What a change to see and hear something good!

"It blew my mind," said CFFS.  Not hard.

Dani Clay got four yeses before we were exposed to Jon Goodey.  Olly's mate.  There was sadly nothing special here, though, and it rather showed.

"Although people were up and dancing, the only person who didn't like it as you."  Sorry, Grimshaw, but I didn't!  Four judges agreed on 'No', confirming that at least four more didn't like it.

Kelly Kiernan from Ireland was nervous.  Jamie Mitchell was awful and nervous.  Louisa Johnson was next up, and surely had to be good - and she was.  "A billion percent yes," said Simon, unable to count.


Epitaph - This episode has resulted in us finding a girl band from the Philippines, and Louisa Johnson.  90 minutes for two worthy performances.

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18.8.15 Labour Is Doomed

Oh dear, what a mess the Labour Party is in.  I don't know where to start, in explaining just how hopeless things look.  In fact, I will not start at all, as that would be a waste of energy.

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17.8.15 Patronising Road Signs

Pummelled By The Bumper of a Runaway Qashqai ?

For some time we have had to suffer the advice offered by the overhead gantries on motorways, with the orange dots forming such pearls of wisdom as:

Tiredness Kills - Take a Break
Check Your Fuel Level
Drive Safely
Watch Your Speed
Check Your Tyre Pressure
Don't Crash

Okay, I made up the last one, but generally the stating of the obvious seems to be mandatory for these signs.  More annoying, though, is the trend for a slightly different approach, as displayed on the hard shoulder by alerts which have no doubt been dreamed up by some sort of advertising consultancy on behalf of the Highways Department.  This has lead to us now having a new source of disgruntlement while driving at a ludicrous 50mph while no cunt does a shred of work on the coned-off area of the motorway.  Over and above the "Stay Alert, Stay Alive" advice, we now have:


Let's all get home safely

Someone loves you, drive with care

No one likes a tailgater

Fuck right off with this shit!  I reckon these were possibly suggested by the peacemaker at the local pub who's first to say: "Come on now, we've all had a drink, let's calm down".  Arguably worse are the small advertising boards displaying a kid, alongside the message: "My dad works here".

This approach will clearly dissuade any lunatic driver from intentionally mowing down a random chap in a hard hat, and simultaneously orphaning the kid. Yeah, right.  As for safety, putting up signs with pictures means a driver's attention is drawn away from the road even more!

Perhaps the very best course of action that could be taken by the government to improve attention would be to make it illegal to display without approval the signs that now litter green fields.  The loophole (because the signs are not permanent) means any journey I make via a motorway allows me now to consider purchases from ebuyer, victorian bathrooms, and a host of other web-based retailers for diverse products; glasses, insurance, beds, cars, electrical goods and 20% of what is contained within the latest Argos cunting catalogue!

When I drive, I want to be allowed to do so without some cunt of a nanny working for the state, who thinks I do not know what's good for me, and thus feels the need to prompt me to think, slow down, check oil, fuel, water and tiredness levels, as well as tyre pressure, whilst noting speed limits, average speed checks, blokes in hard hats who have kids at home hoping that their dads will not be pummelled by the bumper of a runaway Qashqai.


And finally . . . . . .

Unnecessary on ANY level !

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12.8.15 Horrendous Daily Mail Online Rubbish

I have previously posted my frustration at the Mail Online for the horrendously pathetic offerings served up online, related to non-stories regarding females and their bodies.  Shitty Daily Mail Online captions for alleged 'stories' (on a spot check in the last hour) reveal the following crap.  See if you can spot a rather shallow theme, and complete lack of imagination, let alone credibility:


Miley Cyrus' girlfriend Stella Maxwell displays her supermodel legs in semi-sheer dress

Nicola Hughes flaunts her toned physique and slender legs

Lily Allen looks super-toned in a tiny neon thong

Rihanna goes braless in semi-sheer white vest

Alessandra Ambrosio shows off her flawless supermodel body in a skimpy bikini

Make-up free Anne Hathaway flashes a glimpse of her svelte bikini body

Slimmed down Lauren Goodger shows off her toned curves in tight vest

Sam Faiers displays her slender legs in tight grey leggings

Minka Kelly shows some skin in a backless olive green jumpsuit

Charlotte Crosby flaunts her athletic physique and long legs in a LBD

Stella Maxwell draws attention to her statuesque frame in a sexy thigh-slash number

Topless Rita Ora flashes her taut torso in sultry selfie

Taylor Swift puts on a typically leggy display in a flirty skater skirt

Topless Christina Aguilera posts semi-nude selfie

Michelle Keegan smoulders in thigh-high boots and figure-hugging leather

Christina Hendricks displays her famous curves in a rose-print dress

Cat Deeley puts on a leggy display in white hotpants

Emily Ratajkowski flashes a hint of toned tum in a cropped white tee

Is Kim Kardashian a role model for pregnant mums-to-be everywhere?

Rita Ora shows off her ample cleavage in a sexy satin bra and see-through top

Heidi Klum shows off her cleavage and toned legs in a plunging slashed LBD

Mel B shows off her gym-honed curves in a futuristic white dress

Emily Ratajkowski parades her toned legs

Kendall Jenner and Hailey Baldwin show off lean limbs in skintight outfits

Zendaya Coleman flatters her tall and slim figure

Lucy Mecklenburgh shows off her long bronzed legs

Lucy Hale slips her incredible body into daring bandage dress

Denise Richards and Fran Drescher showcase their toned legs

Elizabeth McGovern shows off her sexy legs and youthful looks

Jessica Gomes oozes street style cool as she shows off her trim pins

Boris Becker's glam wife Lilly displays her impressive figure

Kourtney Kardashian showcases her shrinking curves in black top

Nicole Scherzinger shows off her incredible bikini body in cobalt two-piece

Michelle Keegan flaunts her long legs in striped minidress

Amy Childs highlights her slender curves in a figure-hugging navy pencil dress

Flaunting the body which made her a sensation.  Natasha Oakley leaves little to the imagination

Chloe Green shows off her slim bikini body

Brooke Burke-Charvet shows off her incredibly toned figure in a shimmery bikini

Rita Ora reveals her ample chest as she goes braless in deconstructed half-shirt

Jasmin Walia casually parades her svelte bikini body

Lauren Silverman puts her stunning beach body on show

Melissa Gorga makes a splash in teeny mismatched bikini

Millie Mackintosh draws attention to her long limbs in short suede dress

Alessandro Ambrosio shows off her incredible bikini body

Melanie Sykes proudly flaunts her slim and toned bikini body

Amy Schumer shows off her VERY ample assets in a plunging white mini dress

Rihanna shows off her incredibly toned midriff in plunging black bralet

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11.8.15 Oxfam Figures

In broad terms, the annual figures apparently show an overall income of £401million, with only £298million being spent on 'charitable expenditure'.  In other words, £103million goes on paying running costs, admin, and wages.

A closer look shows the income is broken down into three main areas:
1 - Funding from governments at £180million +
2 - Sales from shops at £87million
3 - Charitable donations at £101million

Not sure where the other £40million comes from.  But aside from that gap, I am more concerned with the £24million spent 'raising money'.  On this point, I start to struggle even more with the whole thing.  If the shops bring in £87million, and governments contribute the bulk, that surely means the charitable donations and legacies which amount to £101million are the real results of money raising activities.  If no money were spent on that at all, then the charity could see donations drop to £77million without any real loss at all.

For anyone deciding to give to Oxfam, whether directly or via some sort of fund-raising sponsorship, I suggest it is rather galling to have to accept that the real economics mean a couple of interpretations are true:

Your donations have been 'drummed up' with an outlay of £24million, so out of your £1, almost 24p is not going to anything charitable.

But worse . . .

Your donations are pointless, as they form part of a £101million total, yet the charity spends £103million on running costs.

It follows from the above that if Oxfam did away with its promotional efforts, to save £24million, then it would be no worse off even if donations dropped to £77million - in which case there would be even more reason to stop the whole bandwagon, because then, for every £1 donated, there would be a minus figure going to charity, if the running costs are £103million.  Basically, you would need to up your contribution so that instead of £1.00 for there to be nothing going on charitable things, you would need to pay £1.30 so that nothing could go on charitable things.  What a mess.


Oxfam is not alone.  This general model applies to most of the large charities, and the UK is awash with big business hiding within 'charitable' status.

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3.8.15 Food Frenzy

Food is hitting our screens with a vengeance at the moment, and it's nauseating.  As if we were collectively suffering withdrawal systems, Berry has been resurrected for more Fuck Off Bake Off shenanigans.  I feel the relentless appearances of Hollybread, Perkins, Gridlock & Berry [no, this is not the name of a solicitor] are only outdone by the equally inappropriate ubiquity of Meerkats, and the worrying trends of copycats, in the form of Churchill & Brian. I am fully expecting there to be a 'Berry' touted to us in due course, perhaps as an enticement to some sort of baking course.

Elsewhere, we have the not-so-Great British Menu eating up loads of time on BBC2.  Expect 1325 references to how the winners will have be be 'up to scratch' to cook for the Women's Institute.  Yawn.  It wouldn't surprise me to see Berry at that event as well!  The hideous prospect of Mel Gridlock attempting to speak in a way that's bearable, let alone be funny to any degree at all, is enough in its own right to put off any sane potential viewer of this tent-based tosh.  By the way, the line-up of contestants this year has been picked with diversity not so much 'in mind' as rammed down our throats along with the food.  Politically correctness, apparently, is on the menu, while any ability to prepare food is totally optional.

As already mentioned, BBC1 and BBC2 have other food programmes, and these currently include:

Great British Menu
The Hairy Bikers' Asian Adventure [Surely this is a bit OTT considering we had The Hairy Bikers Come Home showing last week on BBC2?  The channel is obsessed with hair, what with its useless reality competition - Hair - that most certainly doesn't grow on you]
Back in Time for Dinner
Nigel Slater: Eating Together
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Rick Stein: From Venice to Istanbul
The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice
Can't Cook, Don't Cook, Won't Cook - Oh Go On Then, I'll Cunting Cook

Friday television is a farce - one that allows a food trail, should the viewer wish; here is the schedule:

5.00pm - 6.00pm: Couples Come Dine With Me (Channel 4)
Time to actually eat ?
7.00pm - 7.30pm: The Hairy Bikers' Asian Adventure (BBC2)
7.30pm - 8.00pm: Great British Menu (BBC2)
8.00pm - 8.30pm: Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste of the Sun (ITV)
Snack time ?
9.00pm - 10.00pm: BBQ Champ (ITV)
9.00pm - 9.30pm: The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (BBC2)
9.30pm - 10.30pm: Rick Stein: From Venice to Istanbul (BBC2)


The dilemma at 9.00pm will surely frustrate food addicts, whose loyalty to BBC Food (the new name for BBC2) is tested by barbecue food which is of course hosted by the internationally renowned Michelin Star chef . . . . Myleene Klass.

Very Preposterous

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