To go with my coffee at the rather pathetic 'in-store' Tesco Cafe next to Edinburgh Park Station, I chose some biscuits. I am only just justified in using the plural, here, as my purchase was a tiny packet containing just three custard creams. Bearing in mind the venue (a fucking great shop selling tonnes of food at reasonable prices) I thought the three custard creams would be on sale at a reasonable price. I believe value packs of custard creams contain about 30 biscuits, at around 45p - so the cost of the three custard creams is really about five pence.
Now, I am all for economies of scale determining price in a free market, and I don't begrudge retailers a margin on their products. However, the three custard creams cost me 65 cuntin' pence!
That's a 1300% mark-up.
That takes the cuntin' biscuit!
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Monday, 31 January 2011
30.1.11 Terms & Conditions
Only at Your M&S
Main Meal + Side Dish + Dessert + Bottle of Wine - All for £10
This offer in the paper runs 27th Jan to 1st Feb. That was not, however, the only 'limitation' to the offer. The terms and conditions seemed to me rather excessive; I quote -
Subject to availability.
Selected products and stores only.
Excludes the Channel Islands & overseas, M&S Outlet Stores and Simply Food stores at BP Connect, railways, motorway services, hospitals and airports.
Excludes M&S Cafe, Restaurant, Kitchen, Deli Bar, Hot Food to Go & Food Ordering.
See instore for details.
Enjoy wine responsibly. Drinkaware.co.uk
What a load of cuntin' shit! Were the fuck can you buy it? This is not just bollox, it's M&S Bollox
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Main Meal + Side Dish + Dessert + Bottle of Wine - All for £10
This offer in the paper runs 27th Jan to 1st Feb. That was not, however, the only 'limitation' to the offer. The terms and conditions seemed to me rather excessive; I quote -
Subject to availability.
Selected products and stores only.
Excludes the Channel Islands & overseas, M&S Outlet Stores and Simply Food stores at BP Connect, railways, motorway services, hospitals and airports.
Excludes M&S Cafe, Restaurant, Kitchen, Deli Bar, Hot Food to Go & Food Ordering.
See instore for details.
Enjoy wine responsibly. Drinkaware.co.uk
What a load of cuntin' shit! Were the fuck can you buy it? This is not just bollox, it's M&S Bollox
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Sunday, 30 January 2011
30.1.11 Touting Twats
Last weekend, in a shopping centre, I encountered a "stand" in the middle of the wide walkway, consisting of a few sandwich board style notices, and two dubious looking individuals in front, holding business cards. The messages on the boards all related to accidents, and whether there might be reason to claim for damages etc. I was mildly surprised that there was deemed reason enough to supplement the enormous TV and press advertising for these services, and that two blokes loitering in a shopping centre was the way forward.
As I ambled along, aiming to go past the stand, the younger of the two touters took a couple of steps in my direction:
"Any accidents, Sir?"
What an unbelievable question / comment / offer !!! I really felt like he was offering me an accident, in the same way that a waiter with a tray might enquire as to whether I might like something to eat - "Any hors d'oeuvres, Sir"
I said "No, thank you", but I think there was no appreciation on his part for the wonderful perversity of the exchange.
...
As I ambled along, aiming to go past the stand, the younger of the two touters took a couple of steps in my direction:
"Any accidents, Sir?"
What an unbelievable question / comment / offer !!! I really felt like he was offering me an accident, in the same way that a waiter with a tray might enquire as to whether I might like something to eat - "Any hors d'oeuvres, Sir"
I said "No, thank you", but I think there was no appreciation on his part for the wonderful perversity of the exchange.
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Friday, 28 January 2011
28.1.11 Announcements
Advice to passengers as the train approached Darlington -
"Please make sure you take any personal items and luggage. Any item left on the train will be taken away and possibly destroyed by Darlington Police"
We have been warned! Then there's the rather annoying automated warning, activated by sensors picking up movements from commuters in Dundee station. This message is pretty much repeated every few seconds - reminded me of the escalator warning in ASDA.
"Customers are reminded to always use the handrail and take extra care on the stairs"
It's supposed to be a free country, so I did not feel obliged to use the handrail, and I took the standard amount of care while descending the stairs rather than the suggested extra care. I also did not care for the split infinitive!
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"Please make sure you take any personal items and luggage. Any item left on the train will be taken away and possibly destroyed by Darlington Police"
We have been warned! Then there's the rather annoying automated warning, activated by sensors picking up movements from commuters in Dundee station. This message is pretty much repeated every few seconds - reminded me of the escalator warning in ASDA.
"Customers are reminded to always use the handrail and take extra care on the stairs"
It's supposed to be a free country, so I did not feel obliged to use the handrail, and I took the standard amount of care while descending the stairs rather than the suggested extra care. I also did not care for the split infinitive!
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28.1.11 Any Volunteers?
Any volunteers (?) willing to tell Lenny Henry that he stopped being funny about twenty years ago!
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Tuesday, 25 January 2011
25.1.11 Modern Elements
Many philosophies and world views have a set of classical elements believed to reflect the simplest essential parts and principles of which anything consists or upon which the constitution and fundamental powers of anything are based. The classical 4 elements are: Earth, Fire, Air and Water.
TMWSC has his own philosophy, and a rather different set of elements which reflect the most annoying fucking parts of day to day life. These elements are the principle causes of all grievances, and contaminate all decent existence. The modern 4 elements are: Shit, Piss, Hair and Sand.
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TMWSC has his own philosophy, and a rather different set of elements which reflect the most annoying fucking parts of day to day life. These elements are the principle causes of all grievances, and contaminate all decent existence. The modern 4 elements are: Shit, Piss, Hair and Sand.
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Monday, 24 January 2011
24.1.11 5th Emergency Service
It was the AA, of course, which decided to award itself the status of "4th Emergency Service" some years ago. The prevalence of the yellow vans and overall scale of its UK operation meant that the AA lent itself rather nicely to this perceived status. Many years have passed without any other organisation deciding to nab the next slot, and call itself the "5th Emergency Service". However, the time has come - and I am making my own proposal after recently seeing a high profile presence on our roads.
Which organisation should be given 5th spot? No, not the RAC. No, not Autoglass. Instead, I'm suggesting:
Dogs Trust
I was recently at a Little Chef, and was rather surprised to see two vans pull up. They were very new, and sign-written with DogsTrust / dogstrust.org.uk in the familiar yellow, with the logo (dog's head). Now, I've no wish to upset animal lovers, but what the fuck! The supposed charity is now much like most other large and successful charities, in that its first concern now seems to be looking after itself and employees. A fleet of vans and drivers (who have their 'Little Chef' lunches paid for) is apparently the latest step in the expansion and domination of this charity. So, if you're tempted to help a dog, maybe it would be worth knowing first just how much of your £5 per month actually goes to 'Harvey' or 'Greyfriars Bobby'. I suspect that after paying for vans, petrol, advertising, wages for 'directors' and other staff, plus 'fund-raisers', and anything else that can be taken out of donations, the real contribution to the good cause is likely to be £1 out of the £5 spent. There are just too many organisations that end up becoming businesses.
So, the new "5th Emergency Service" is provided by the Dogs Trust - helping animals everywhere - especially in Barking.
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Which organisation should be given 5th spot? No, not the RAC. No, not Autoglass. Instead, I'm suggesting:
Dogs Trust
I was recently at a Little Chef, and was rather surprised to see two vans pull up. They were very new, and sign-written with DogsTrust / dogstrust.org.uk in the familiar yellow, with the logo (dog's head). Now, I've no wish to upset animal lovers, but what the fuck! The supposed charity is now much like most other large and successful charities, in that its first concern now seems to be looking after itself and employees. A fleet of vans and drivers (who have their 'Little Chef' lunches paid for) is apparently the latest step in the expansion and domination of this charity. So, if you're tempted to help a dog, maybe it would be worth knowing first just how much of your £5 per month actually goes to 'Harvey' or 'Greyfriars Bobby'. I suspect that after paying for vans, petrol, advertising, wages for 'directors' and other staff, plus 'fund-raisers', and anything else that can be taken out of donations, the real contribution to the good cause is likely to be £1 out of the £5 spent. There are just too many organisations that end up becoming businesses.
So, the new "5th Emergency Service" is provided by the Dogs Trust - helping animals everywhere - especially in Barking.
...
Friday, 21 January 2011
21.1.11 Darts
Shame the darts has finished. Not because I'm much of a darts fan, although it's easy to stare at the TV and become transfixed. No, what I'm missing is not the darts itself, or indeed the replays where unbelievably we get slow motion re-runs of a dart leaving a hand and hitting little more than a square inch of board. I am missing the commentary. For example:
"He can't ride this crest of a wave and his surf board snaps in half."
Absolutely marvellous; shite, but priceless!
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"He can't ride this crest of a wave and his surf board snaps in half."
Absolutely marvellous; shite, but priceless!
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Thursday, 20 January 2011
20.1.11 Dancing on Thin Ice
Another series is upon us, and as is the way of things now, it's simply a TV popularity contest - this time on ice. Skating has very little to do with anything, especially in the early stages. Angela Rippon - glad she's moved on. Corrie geezer? Sure the butcher is a nice guy, but he's awful at skating. Fans of the soap saved him, but I wouldn't have given him a sausage. The pointless Kerry Katona will annoy for a while. Hobbly Wobbly Wibbly will gush with useless comments a second after Phil finishes his sentence from the autocue. T & D will maintain their amazing knack of not criticising anyone, and 'playing safe'. The UK population will ponder over Chloe Madeley's claim that she's a model and presenter !?!? Emma Cunton will provide the nausea. This formulaic nonsense will drive us all nuts, if we bother to watch. Ice a Pose I will.
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Monday, 3 January 2011
3.1.11 Disappointing
The most commonly used terms nowadays for commenting on things are 'disappointing' and 'disappointment'. No longer is anything outrageous, pathetic, fucking useless, shit, awful, unacceptable or plain crap. Instead, it is or was "disappointing".
In the last week, the Wigan footballer N'Zogbia dished out a head butt to Arsenal's Jack Wilshere. Here we have a talented played paid ludicrous amounts of money to kick and head a ball, but who decided to head butt a head instead. He got sent off, quite rightly. After the game, the manager (Roberto Martinez) referred to N'Zogbia's actions as "disappointing".
On 29th December, Roy Hodgson referred to Liverpool's shit performance as "disappointing". Criminal would have been a better term.
Mr Kaboul was sent off for Spurs on 28th December, and Harry Redknapp said, "I'm disappointed in Kaboul."
What is it with the world? In my world, it's a bit disappointing when for the tenth week in a row, I haven't even won a tenner on Lotto. That's a reasonable use of the word 'disappointing'. In the world of football, it seems that no one speaks the truth anymore. People will express disappointment at a performance, an action, an outcome or whatever. They'll describe things as disappointing time and time again. No one has the bollocks to say what's fuckin' obvious to the rest of the world! When a player is paid £80,000 per WEEK and has to play 2 games of football (at most) for that effort, it's a bit fuckin' lame for a manager to say he's "disappointed" when that player gets sent off for kicking another in the head!
...
In the last week, the Wigan footballer N'Zogbia dished out a head butt to Arsenal's Jack Wilshere. Here we have a talented played paid ludicrous amounts of money to kick and head a ball, but who decided to head butt a head instead. He got sent off, quite rightly. After the game, the manager (Roberto Martinez) referred to N'Zogbia's actions as "disappointing".
On 29th December, Roy Hodgson referred to Liverpool's shit performance as "disappointing". Criminal would have been a better term.
Mr Kaboul was sent off for Spurs on 28th December, and Harry Redknapp said, "I'm disappointed in Kaboul."
What is it with the world? In my world, it's a bit disappointing when for the tenth week in a row, I haven't even won a tenner on Lotto. That's a reasonable use of the word 'disappointing'. In the world of football, it seems that no one speaks the truth anymore. People will express disappointment at a performance, an action, an outcome or whatever. They'll describe things as disappointing time and time again. No one has the bollocks to say what's fuckin' obvious to the rest of the world! When a player is paid £80,000 per WEEK and has to play 2 games of football (at most) for that effort, it's a bit fuckin' lame for a manager to say he's "disappointed" when that player gets sent off for kicking another in the head!
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3.1.11 Take Stock
As an example, take stock cubes. These inoffensive items were until recently available in three 'streams', and three related price brackets. However, some months ago, the cheap ones 'disappeared from shelves'. Ten or twelve stock cubes, whether chicken, beef, lamb or vegetable, used to be available as branded products (eg. Knorr) typically at £1.00 - £1.30, or on a supermarket own-brand, typically 70p - 90p, AND on a "nice price/basic" version, at 10p - 15p. The last category has disappeared during the second half of 2010. This is probably because either Knorr objected, or the supermarkets decided to deny us the right to buy the cheapest version, or both. So, the 10p chicken stock cubes from Tesco and Sainsburys are no longer available, but they would no doubt like us to buy instead their own versions at 8 times the price because the packaging is mildly different.
The above situation has already come and gone as regards washing up liquid. The 13 pence crappy/cheap stuff was 'withdrawn' without notice in 2009, and now it's typically 50p for the cheapest stuff.
I noticed some time ago that Morrisons does not stock blackcurrant Hi Juice, and I rather suspect that Ribena and Morrisons have come to an arrangement. I am quite sure there are numerous other examples of manipulation. Take a moment to look around when you're shopping; the supermarkets don't expect us to notice their games, and are determined to rip us off while coming across as champions of the people! You have been warned.
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The above situation has already come and gone as regards washing up liquid. The 13 pence crappy/cheap stuff was 'withdrawn' without notice in 2009, and now it's typically 50p for the cheapest stuff.
I noticed some time ago that Morrisons does not stock blackcurrant Hi Juice, and I rather suspect that Ribena and Morrisons have come to an arrangement. I am quite sure there are numerous other examples of manipulation. Take a moment to look around when you're shopping; the supermarkets don't expect us to notice their games, and are determined to rip us off while coming across as champions of the people! You have been warned.
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3.1.11 Fuel For Thought
In the paper last week, I saw some earth shattering news about fuel and forthcoming price rises. One extract was as follows:
The AA warn [sic] that things can only get worse when the VAT hike kicks in. The AA say [sic] a two-car family's fuel costs will rise by £104. But spokesman Andrew Howard said there were ways to save. He explained:
"Don't make unnecessary journeys, keep the car light and drive gently. Accelerating hard will lead to higher fuel consumption."
No fuckin' shit, Sherlock! As if we need any spokesman to point out the cuntin' obvious. I never knew that not making a journey would save me money! So, for those of you who were about to load up a car with 8 people, put a fridge-freezer on the roof rack, and drive manic-ly with stupid levels of acceleration, all the way to Aberdeen and back just for a laugh, DON'T DO IT, and you'll save money.
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The AA warn [sic] that things can only get worse when the VAT hike kicks in. The AA say [sic] a two-car family's fuel costs will rise by £104. But spokesman Andrew Howard said there were ways to save. He explained:
"Don't make unnecessary journeys, keep the car light and drive gently. Accelerating hard will lead to higher fuel consumption."
No fuckin' shit, Sherlock! As if we need any spokesman to point out the cuntin' obvious. I never knew that not making a journey would save me money! So, for those of you who were about to load up a car with 8 people, put a fridge-freezer on the roof rack, and drive manic-ly with stupid levels of acceleration, all the way to Aberdeen and back just for a laugh, DON'T DO IT, and you'll save money.
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3.1.11 True Grit
The councils around the country are strapped for cash, supposedly. I added this last word because the approach of many, including my local one, is apparently "to maintain essential services" while trying to sort out their priorities - but mine cannot be that hard up because it wastes money. The last of the snow and ice is disappearing, and by tomorrow I hope to have seen the last of it. The recent spell of awful weather has seen a complete refusal of the council to grit my road. Not once has any cunt scattered anything useful about the place. And yet - there was money available for erecting a Christmas tree complete with lights! Oh yes, a yellow truck and four men can piss about for hours on a mini project like this. There's money enough for useless fuckin' signs draped between lamp posts saying "Season's Greetings"! There are still many other adornments to various lamp posts around the place. All of these were needlessly put up at great expense, and will need very shortly to be taken down. But anything essential, like gritting a road, is a pipe dream. The only true grit I've experienced recently was the 128th showing on terrestrial TV of that John Wayne classic, True Grit, put out on Friday - the last day of the year. Let's hope it's truly the very last grit we see for the next year - somehow I doubt it.
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3.1.11 Argos Message
That automated twat on the 'Check and Reserve' number has for over five years insisted on dealing with each of my calls by stating - "I have some more information about this store" when I enter the code for my local one. The essential information I get through the earpiece (painfully slowly) is the new address. Now, when the local store moved from one end of the high street to the other, it was relevant to get this prompt. But over 5 cuntin' years later! No! The result is that the automated process is prolonged even more, meaning that only the product being 'in stock' will reduce the blood pressure by the time the all-important information is being dispensed.
If Argos did the 'Check & Reserve' for visits to Royal Residences, I've no doubt we'd hear:
'You have selected a visit to Hampton Court Palace. I have some more information on this for you. The Royal Residence has now moved; the new address is Buckingham Palace, London SW1A 1A."
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If Argos did the 'Check & Reserve' for visits to Royal Residences, I've no doubt we'd hear:
'You have selected a visit to Hampton Court Palace. I have some more information on this for you. The Royal Residence has now moved; the new address is Buckingham Palace, London SW1A 1A."
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3.1.11 Amazing Quotes
The corporate shit-speak is all around us. Here's an example of bollocks, relayed by a manager in charge of 'customer service' matters.
"Can you please digest and cascade to your team to make every endeavour to . . . . .".
How about a few comments from a CEO of a major company - the grammar is a joke:
"This year, however, has been unprecedented." I think not! This year has followed every other year before it, so it's hardly unprecedented!
"This extraordinary environment, where parts of the country have been cut-off by road, have required us all to make extra efforts." Superb grammar, I think you'll agree!
Here's a couple of other statements from corporate bods, who like to talk shit.
"This is inflating escalations into our Customer Care areas." = increasing calls to customer service.
Here's some more shit:
"An in depth review of critical IT change requirements was held earlier this week to ensure that in January 2011 all critical changes are implemented to support resolution of the issues identified by the Centres of Excellence.
Unbecuntinlievable crap.
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"Can you please digest and cascade to your team to make every endeavour to . . . . .".
How about a few comments from a CEO of a major company - the grammar is a joke:
"This year, however, has been unprecedented." I think not! This year has followed every other year before it, so it's hardly unprecedented!
"This extraordinary environment, where parts of the country have been cut-off by road, have required us all to make extra efforts." Superb grammar, I think you'll agree!
Here's a couple of other statements from corporate bods, who like to talk shit.
"This is inflating escalations into our Customer Care areas." = increasing calls to customer service.
Here's some more shit:
"An in depth review of critical IT change requirements was held earlier this week to ensure that in January 2011 all critical changes are implemented to support resolution of the issues identified by the Centres of Excellence.
Unbecuntinlievable crap.
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