There is a few more ingredients to add - woman (Gizzi) on the Food Network channel
Boil it up - her again
So it's super super smooth, and to get it extra smooth .... - her again
Reduce it down - a different woman (Lisa Faulkner) this time, same channel, same shite
Chop it through - Matt, joining in with the shit
I'm gonna flavour this up - Jun Tanaka on the same show
However, the focus of my attention now is the BBC main course of MasterChef. There are different versions - Re-Match, Celebrity, Kids, etc. But the standard version offers nourishment enough in terms of verbal bollocks. Yes, aside from the extended coverage of apron tying (which of course can quite legitimately now be a contender for inclusion in the Olympics, such is the prevalence of the sport) and the face-pulling creepiness of Gregg Wallace, there is an inordinate amount of contentious rubbish spoken by all.
MasterChef has recently given us so much in the way of crap. I've sat and listened to weird activities like "frying off" and "saucing the plate". Thicko Gregg Wallace of course is exuberant (my gentle term to comment on his scary facial expressions and runaway mouth) and while performing on his other TV show in various factories each week, treats us to grammatical flops like "How many ingredients goes into a mince pie". Monica Galetti is not immune from criticism, herself capable of "saucing the plate" and pointless use of the word "cookery", while all the time retaining an awareness of how flavours "cut through" something else. Sean Pertwee whispers, purrs and fucking annoys throughout these shows, trying to be oddly seductive with his explanations and observations on the kitchen activities. He is far from excused, as his own waffle includes so many servings of crap, such as:
It was marinaded - Sean Pertwee
While Stu roasts off his cabbage - Sean Pertwee
But, folks, the MasterShit talker on MasterChef this series has proven to be Marcus Wareing.
His relentless chatter contains numerous faux pas, and aside from his addiction to the forced use of the work "cookery" at every possible opportunity (instead of "cooking"), he cannot seem to avoid talking about how things have been executed. This is not in reference to the wringing of a chicken's neck or the stunning and throat cutting of a larger animal (sadly not Gregg) but the fairly normal activity of cooking. "Executing cookery" does not cunting exist!
What you want to do with the shallots is sweat them down - Marcus Wareing
To sort of mellow the curry flavour down - Marcus Wareing
I asked you to butcher down the chicken - Marcus Wareing
You don't want too much temperature - Marcus Wareing
It's been marinaded - Marcus Wareing
They've been marinading - Marcus Wareing
I like how it was sauced in the middle - Marcus Wareing
The cookery of the guinea fowl is outstanding - Marcus Wareing
There is much more in the pot, but you get the point. Spare prepositions are sprinkled randomly into conversation, tautology is rife, and butter has to be in everything (according to Gregg). Monica has toned down her eyebrow movements and facial expressions, passing the spare capacity to Gregg, who can scare kids at 1000 paces. As he leers into the screen, Marcus models greasy hair and Monica toys with whether to wear her glasses or not. It all takes far too long and I still struggle with the fact that chefs are routinely asked to do extra tasks, like cook in a famous restaurant for a famous chef whom no one knows, yet their efforts are not scored and no account of their efforts is taken in deciding who goes through to the next round. I have nothing more to say, other than in respect of the unfortunate death of the word "dish". It is now abused to cunting fuck, over used, and misused. The knock on effect is that the once intriguing "Dish of the Day" term is sadly antagonistic.
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