Lane Departure Warning System
Lane Keeping Assist-Line
I had no intention of reviewing the Kia Ceed (now written without an apostrophe, apparently) but circumstances determined that the hire company in Spain presented me with the Ceed 1.4 CVVT in bright blue, rather than the Vauxhall Astra that I was expecting. As the rental arrangements are such that something 'similar' is allowed, I had to get to grips with an unfamiliar model.
Had I received an Astra, this post would clearly not exist. I would know exactly what to expect with the Vauxhall, and it would be pointless to pass comments. I suspect that the Goldcar system of allocating cars has a log that the Ceed is at least equal to an Astra, but I would like to suggest now that this is simply not the case.
The CVVT model (no idea what this stands for, and I have no intention of looking it up to clog my memory with useless information) is potentially linked to the numerous fucking extras and electrical features. That's just a guess, but the dashboard and fucking cunting beeping rather bears that out. The array of switches, lights and warnings (plus the Spanish screen that no doubt allows connection to my smart phone) are all of no interest to me. There is one feature, however, that cannot be ignored at all; it is the car's weird mission to interfere with the steering and take control of the wheel.
I have spent nearly 40 years driving, and in all that time I have successfully managed to point the car in the right direction, and maintain control. These days, motor manufacturers have decided that drivers are no longer adequately equipped to steer a cunting car. Hence, the advent of (in Kia's case):
Lane Departure Warning System
Lane Keeping Assist-Line
This pair of programmes is a fucking nightmare. I collected the hire car at 10.30pm, and setting off from the car park, I was reasonably confident. But of course, I have no idea at that point of the subversive electrics that were lying in wait.
On the main road, I got up to speed, and various beeps were coming at me from somewhere on the dashboard. Sadly, I did not have time to google a driver's manual for the Ceed (not one in the car) and read up on the version I was sitting in, On the move, I became a bit concerned with every passing minute. I felt like I was losing control of the vehicle at regular intervals.
I stopped half hour in, to check the tyres, as I was concerned they were soft, and the cause of the veering and wavering that the car was displaying. I realised then that there were factors beyond my control here - literally - and that I would have to get to grips with the car's features the next day.
Sure enough, the intrusive feature could be turned off, Sadly, this was via the tap of a button which worked until the car ignition was switched off. So every time i started the engine, I had to hit this button. This was made worse because the car would not let me open the boot with the engine running, or even with the fucking key in the ignition. Further, the rear doors would not open either. Child safety locks prevented passengers letting themselves out, and any attempt by me to assist required the handbrake, stop the engine, remove the key and then get out to open the fucking door. Then, in restarting, I had to remember to disable the steering shite.
The car is under-powered, and slight hills are more of a challenge than they should be. All in all, I would suggest to any purchaser of the Ceed, (after first asking "why are you bothering?") to avoid all the gimmicks. The lane Keeping/Departure crap is wholly disconcerting, and I would argue dangerous. Rather the opposite to the intended outcome.
A final note relates to the advice I received en route to the airport at the end of my break. I was minding my own business, the Lane Departure and Lane Keeping technology was of course disabled, and I was 50 minutes in on a journey that would take no more than 75 minutes. The dashboard 'pinged' and in the small square, through the wheel, in the centre of the dash, I saw a picture of a steaming hot drink. The message below suggested I might do well to consider a coffee break. What the fucking fuck? The picture and message disappeared after a few seconds, but I was prompted again when this shite was repeated after a further ten minutes.
...
